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7 replies

Grrr...WHEN is my appointment?

yakusokuyakusokuMember
Love my T, but he only spends two days of the week practicing in my area (the rest near wherever he lives). He lives a few hours away and commutes over here, which is expensive, so he has to book all his clients in those two days and make his schedule as full as possible for the commuting thing to work out for him. The result is I sometimes don't know when my appointment will be. For example, he's only around Monday/Tuesday and it is Sunday night and I still don't know if/when I'm going to be seeing him.

I texted Thursday asking for Tuesday, so I am not processing all over my husband if we go on a date for Valentines Day. He said he would do his best, but wasn't sure yet. I texted Friday (which I always do, because that's the day my husband knows if he can work from home and I can take an early appointment), to let him know my Monday availability was evening only. Silence. I texted today, because I need to schedule a backup babysitter in case my husband doesn't get off work in time to watch our 2.5-year-old. I also admitted ridiculous projections of his irritation from his ignoring me lately (but told him no explanation needed, just exposing rather than hiding the thoughts). Nothing.

I realize part of this is my fault. I am usually only available for late evening appointments, because of my daughter and babysitter availability. Also, his lack of responding to me lately about other things is most likely because I begged him to let ME stop texting (I was getting trapped in shame spirals about it). He said fine, except reporting harmful behaviors--which was exactly the thing that communicating about causes me problems. But now instead of just thinking he hates me, I'm getting paranoid my texts (or his) are broken again, which has happened before and caused so many problems. Or worse, even that something bad happened. Eff this transference stuff. I KNOW it's ridiculous, but it seems so inescapable.

In recent weeks, he has had my appointment time for me on Friday, because I have confessed how much it stresses me out to not know. I felt so guilty about him going out of his way to accommodate my craziness that I told him he didn't/shouldn't have to do that. Ugh. Now I'm trying to figure out the latest possible time I can text him again and still find a babysitter. I guess late morning tomorrow. The more texts I have to send without hearing back the more I hate myself. Ugh!!!
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scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
Oh my goodness, that would drive me crazy!! I'm sorry that you have to deal with such an erratic schedule.

I'm sure this has been addressed with him, but if he always works M/T and you always see him on one of those days then why can't he always put you down for say 6pm on Monday? I don't understand why there is such variability in the scheduling.

I'm also sorry that he isn't responding to your texts. It sounds like there are still issues to work out around that. I am a bit surprised that he requires that you text.

I hope you get an answer soon!!
ladygreyladygreyMember
I just want to say that I do not think that you are crazy for wanting to know your appointment time a few days in advance and you should not feel guilty about asking for this very reasonable request.

Honestly, I don't think most people could work with that sort of scheduling. I do not understand why he cannot set up a regular appointment for you on one of those days. For him to keep his clients waiting until the last minute to give them their appointment time....that seems narcissistic to me. People's lives should not revolve around their therapy or their therapist. To me it seems that he is perpetuating that by keeping you hanging.
yakusokuyakusokuMember
He doesn't really require that I text, more like encouraged me to just monitor with him throughout the week how I am doing. I tried it out when he encouraged me and felt good about it, but when I had some of those "behaviors" started happening, communicating about them only made them happen more, so I would go through cycles of hiding, feeling guilty, revealing, feeling ashamed, etc. Some of the stuff got reasonably dangerous, especially when I went to my angry state or got really depressed, so I understanding him saying he really needed me to tell him about that...I would have preferred he just trusted me to monitor those things myself. I suppose the way I used to deal with those inclinations isn't really effective anyway, so I'm trying to do things his way.

My regular appointment would be 4pm on Mondays, but only every other week, because my husband takes alternating weeks. He has a number of clients who do alternating weeks or once every month or maybe not even regularly, so I guess that's why. Since my husband hasn't been home to watch our daughter until late at night, even that doesn't work for me. The earliest I can get a babysitter (and not be spending more money we can't afford) is 7 pm. Plus, it's really easiest on me if I can put my daughter to bed before I leave or right when I get home. Counseling stirs up so much crap, it's hard for me to have to be Mommy for several hours afterward.

Of course, everyone wants his 7 and 8 pm slots, so he really has to juggle to fit me in. But, he always does, every time. He even sometimes gives me Monday at 9pm (at which point he should be done for the night) to make sure I am able to come every week. He really works with me, but the unpredictability drives me nuts. It triggers so much family BS.
yakusokuyakusokuMember
I got 9pm Tuesday. Of course feeling guilty he is staying so late before having to drive a few hours home, but what am I going to do? His choice to make it happen, right? Thank God I do not have to text him again. I hate when I start going crazy like that. I am either all on (as in, he gets way too much information from me) or all off (completely closed). I'm not sure how to do in the middle without it making me crazy! Confused
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
I am either all on (as in, he gets way too much information from me) or all off (completely closed). I'm not sure how to do in the middle without it making me crazy!


Hi Yaku... I'm so glad you got your appointment and that it works for you. Don't feel guilty at all... it's his choice and he wouldn't do it if it was not what he wanted to do.

As for what I quoted above... a good friend of mine describes it as trying to find the right volume on the radio. Sometimes it's too loud or too low. And sometimes we just get static! We are in therapy to find the right balance, the most comfortable volume to live our lives. I'm much like you, either too much or very little, at least that is the way my emotions feel.

Right now I'm over in the too little area... feeling quite numb.

TN
yakusokuyakusokuMember
Thanks. I'm glad I got a late appointment too. It is much easier for me to feel safe in the evenings for some reason.

I'm really struggling to not make all sorts of awful assumptions right now that I'm pissing him off with all my monitoring texts, that he thinks I'm trying to manipulate him when I'm open with my projections, that he's not really "up for" working with someone struggling so much with attachment issues, that he's going to refer me when I bring up the depth of my transference schedules. I keep flipflopping like I want to quit (avoid abandonment) or close down (refuse to text, email, be open about thoughts/feelings I know are ridiculous but can't help having)...and then I want to be a completely open book to give him the best chance of helping me. Writing this post just put a Billy Joel song (I Go to Extremes) in my head. I wish I had known I would get this intense about therapy when I started. I should have known. I did warn him a bit that I get like this, but I wish I had really made it clear and asked him, "Hey, are you really in this for the long haul, no matter how weird I get?" I'd feel like my ridiculous behavior and feelings would be less scary if I had ever asked the question before I got this dependent on T.

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