Alot of us had pretty crappy parents. I know some of us were tasked with caring for our parents or filling in for the absent mothers, fathers, husbands and wives that our families were lacking. I think that anytime a child is forced into an adult role (willingly or unwillingly), the situation is doomed to turn out poorly. Not only does a child lack the skills to perform, but the needs are neverending and that child has little to no support.
That being said, a lot of us were left "holding the bag" when shit fell apart, and naturally, we felt guilty for this. We blamed ourselves because we didn't know that we weren't supposed to be holding that stupid bag in the first place. I guess this is where my question comes in. Cognitively I know that it isn't my fault that my grandmother died and mother died and that everything in my family eroded. However, there is this part of me that says "where were you? what were you doing? what were you thinking? how coud you let this happen?" No amount of reason or logic appeals to this part of me. It's a very dutiful part of me that says "it was my job to take care of everyone and I failed." It is full-on guilt and I don't know how to get past it. Have any of you all struggled with guilt like this? How have/are you working on this? I don't even know how to tap into the depth of these feelings, much less how to work on them. But I think much of the power my mother STILL has over me resides in this guilt, and I need to deal with it.
Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated.
-CT
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