Yep, all good RT.

GE, I was taught that guilt is in fact fear of rejection. Maybe that feeling is being stirred up by your past departure from your family, and triggered by your less need of T now. ??

Anyways, your looking good from where I am sitting. Well done!!!

(GE)

My oldest is 15 almost 16. I think about that moment a lot. It is a sign of good parenting when a child is secure enough and mature enough to begin to differentiate and start the process leading their own life. I can't say for sure but I think your T would feel so proud of you for having reached this place. I also think it would be rewarding for him to see you take these steps toward more independence. A sign that he has done a good job. I don't think any of that changes how you feel about him or he about you. Love and caring are always there.

Jillann

sorry it took me awhile to get back here

((muff)) i think you're spot on (as usual btw!) about guilt being a cover for fear of rejection.

((Jillian)) - yes I logically get that what is happening is in fact very good and very positive. I think its more fear of losing love and care if I start breaking away and acting more independently. No doubt my T would be very happy for me when I reach the place of gradually needing him less and less.


((draggers)) i know you're right. i think its also really hard to accept he won't be in my life forever. that I'm planning for life without him when he's been such a central part of it for many years now.

A little update here. I think part of why the guilt and fear set in was that I knew somewhere I now had the resources and the T relationship to begin tackling my CSA experiences. Which were chronic and ongoing and nearly killed me psychologically. But its so scary and there is so much shame, disgust and self-contempt around it.

I started talking with T about it last week and as gruelling and heartbreaking as it is, he handled it SO well. Unfortunately because he handled it so well, I have gotten drawn into paternal transference issues which I've discussed in an indirect manner with him. I can't really discuss it directly because i KNOW it will be met with rejection (wrapped in understanding and empathy) and I don't know if my poor heart could bear it.

Over the weekend I was extremely distressed and stuck in shame, rage and fear all dating back a very long time. I was resting next to DH who had his arm around me and it felt WRONG. Wrong because he has been openly critical, hostile and cruel towards me when i've been vulnerable in the past. He doesn't feel safe to the little one inside. I'd also become aware of a deep hurt around DH constantly rejecting intimacy and was understandably really angry at him. All I wanted was my T's comfort. Which felt so confusing and wrong - there I was laying in my husbands arms wanting it to be my T's

On Monday we had a series of ruptures and misunderstandings that included me running into his dog (she was waiting for me when I exited the bathroom) and speaking to his wife (she apologised for the dog jumping all over me), T ending the session early, not acknowledging my anger and not understanding some key issues. When I left I was sooooo distressed I sat in my car and bawled my eyes out feeling so angry and being so aware of the excruciating limits. T is only available in session, despite the fact there are times out of session I badly need him (like Saturday afternoon). So for him to not be attuned and make mistakes was agonisingly hurtful. I spent the rest of the day trying to keep my anger and hurt from spiralling out of control and leaking into other relationships. I emailed him early in the evening and got a reply back pretty quickly which included an apology and an offer to make up the time at the next session.

But something seemed really different. I knew I was angry (ok I hated his guts for a good 48 hours!) but I also knew we would fix it, that there would be explanations for what had happened.

So today I walked in feeling split - half of me wanted to rip his head off and the other part was terrified to say anything. Instead we talked about everything that had happened on Monday. He handled everything very, very well and I'm feeling much more secure.

However in the course of the session I saw how much repressed pain, anger and rage I'm holding. And that it has to come out. And that it's to do with my parents. Not my T. He has given me more in four years of therapy than I would've got in a lifetime with my parents. If they weren't dead I'd probably want to kill them myself.

(((GE))) I'm sorry about the transference stuff, and the content you are processing right now - it's hard. There is really no way that it's okay to talk about it with him?

It must be so hard w/o your H being supportive. It's okay to be angry and want to be with someone safe... I know my T has suggested I imagine her around to see if that will help calm me. It does.

Sounds like Monday... sucked!!! It's really hard to deal with leaving session activated and like your T had rocks in their head because they couldn't "get it right". Glad you emailed and will get that extra time back and got to vent some.. it's okay to be angry!!

I'm glad you could talk about Monday when you went in today and it really does suck to come face to face with all the pain/anger/rage we carry around. Sometimes Ts have that mirror for us and when we glance in it, it's not fun.

Glad to hear the update!