((Heart & Soul))

A perfectly rational reaction in my opinion. I have the same feelings myself.

T has occasionally said she would like to be a fly on the wall in our house to see how W and I interact, as she refers to the W issue as the elephant in the room, and has gone on to ask me two or three times if I would consider bringing W along to a session.

WHAT!!? Are you serious? Never in a thousand years! I'd rather go to hell in a handcart than take W along to a session. I think T now realises that my barriers go up at the very mention of it.

I've only just got used to the idea that I have to 'share' T with other clients; but share her with W? NO WAY!! The thought of W sitting in T's room, on her sofa, then telling ME about the books on her shelf, the pictures on her walls, how T works etc, NEVER!!

Exactly the same thoughts as you have - You're MY T, this is MY appointment, this never was about marriage guidance, I don't want to share you. EVER!

It's already enough that W has found T's website and then tells me how pretty she is. I ALREADY KNOW THAT DAMN IT. And she will insist on calling her by her full christian name rather than her preferred shorter version which really pisses me off.

Although it will NEVER happen, I think it would be the worst experience imaginable.

I'm with you on this one Heart & Soul, totally.

I would have had the SAME reaction. Absolutely understandable. I am lucky in that my H has no interest in seeing my T. I think he probably did go with me once but it was maybe 12 years ago about parenting issues. Anyway I know they have met. My H emailed my T about something last year and I was so livid about that. T didn't respond back to him at all and it really annoyed him.

I would feel very threatened if my H wanted to go with me.
Somedays

I'd actually love for my H and T to get to meet each other sometime, since they are both such significant people in my life. It's unlikely to happen any time soon though because he works so far from her office.

Hi HeartAndSoul,

I always think it's best to go with your gut, especially if it's the last session right before a vacation. It doesn't matter if your reaction is over the top or not. You can figure it out later why you don't want him to come. And there will be plenty of time for your H to meet your T after your vacation. Or maybe your H can ask you the questions instead?

My H has met two of my therapists, the current one and one we both saw separately 15 years ago. That therapist wanted us to do marriage counseling but I didn't want to so I refused. The therapist told me that he was going to stick up for me and he didn't understand why I didn't want have joint sessions. I wasn't exactly sure why I was so uncomfortable with it. Now that I know myself better, I think it had to do with enmeshment/boundary issues but I couldn't verbalize that at the time.

Good luck. Hope H forgot or you were able to tell him that you don't want him to go. Or, if he went, that it all turned out okay after all. Hope you enjoy your vacation!

H&S,
I agree that right before vacation is not a really good idea, but overall, I had good experiences with my husband coming to sessions. Although we're a weird case in that we see the same therapist, and see him for couple's counseling. The couples sessions could often feel quite threatening to me in terms of feeling like I would damage the relationship and/ or being convinced my T liked my husband SO much more than me. But being able to be open about those feelings and explore them gave me a lot of insight. I also found it reassuring that when I brought up my husband, which wasn't really all that often, my T knew him so he wasn't just getting my side of the story. I do want to add that even through our relationship problems though, my husband has always been supportive of therapy and we are very open and honest with each other. I told my husband about my feelings for my therapist the same day I told my therapist and all three of us would discuss the dynamics whenever we felt the need, which is probably why it worked so well. I think it can be helpful if handled correctly. But I think it's really important that you discuss doing this and you're feelings about it with your therapist first. Therapy really is a sacred space and caution should be exercised when letting someone else in, even if it is your spouse.

Totally understand the feelings though.

AG

Hi Heart and Soul,

I don't think it was a crazy, over the top reaction at all! Especially considering that he came up with this idea the day before your session, and the last one before a vacation at that. I think in your shoes I would have said exactly the same thing to my H that you did. It was a good response.

That said, personally I wouldn't have a problem with H coming along with me to a session sometime, so long as I had enough notice to mentally prepare and to ask T. I'm pretty proud of both of them and there's a part of me that would like to show them off to each other. I'd also like for H to see who it is that I quote so frequently, lol. I've suggested the idea to him a few times. It's just not something he is at all comfortable with, though. I think he has Fear of Therapists. I guess I can understand that. I can also imagine it might be kind of awkward for him, to sit talking with his wife and a third party who knows his wife better than he does, at least in some ways.

Anyway, that is just me. I would never judge someone for feeling differently. I think there was a time in my marriage and in my therapy that I wouldn't have been comfortable taking H along under any circumstances.

Hi H&S!
Love the running dialogue you shared! I think iud feel similarly, but as H already isn't a big fan of my T (or T's in general), I don't have to worry that he'd ever want to come along.

I'd convey my concern to your T at that next appt, trusting he will understand your need to keep things between the two of you for now, and ask him how he recommends dealing with it. I'm sure other clients have brought this issue up before, and he may have some great escape solutions for you. i know he wants you to open up with H, but having H at your session is quite different!

This needs to be about YOU and your healing.

Hugs to ya,
Starry

Hi,

Well I can certainly understand your anxieties about him wanting to come at short notice and before a break too. My H has come to a few sessions over the years, but it has always been planned well in advance between him, T and me. T is really careful to know in advance what I am happy for her to say and what I am not, so she keeps my confidence if there are things I'd rather not share. H gets a lot from the sessions, but in all honesty I find them quite daunting and sit there feeling caught up between the two, despite them both being very gentle and caring about it, it just feels odd. It sort of feels as if they are there to talk about me, and although that is not the intention as we are there to talk about the process and how each party might help the other, the bottom line is that it all is relating to or about me

I am lucky in that DH is happy to come along occasionally, or just let me carry on going as I do on my own...he doesn't want to make things any harder. I sometimes do feel guilty though that this takes up so much of my time, energies (and our money!) and that he is excluded.

Sorry, this probably hasn't been helpful - good luck though in however you take it forward with T and DH

starfishy

Thanks for all the replies, I'm glad I want overreacting.

I did talk to T about H's request. He said he'd be willing to have him come into a session long enough to answer his questions about the THERAPY PROCESS, not the content of our sessions. He did recommend that we wait until a couple sessions after vacation to make sure I'd processed that whole experience. He said that he'd be there to back me up and stand up for me if I needed him to do so.

I told him that I was very possessive about my sessions and that I didn't want to share the time. T did say that it could help H understand what I'm going through and some of my reactions after difficult sessions. I DIDN'T say that I am going through such major transference and attachment to him right now that I can hardly function maybe I'll have the guts to do that soon, lol. Right now I just hope those feelings will help me get through this vacation. Have I mentioned how much I love my T? If he can take the fear and drama out of having H come to a session, I really think he can do anything.

Thanks again for everyone's insight!