I come here and pour out my heart and experience the warmth and understanding of some of the most wonderful people I know. Then I usually call my T. I know phone calls are not like sessions, but if you can figure out what you need from her that she can give you in a brief telephone call, I am sure she will be happy to do that. Even if it means setting up anothe session. If you want to talk about your session we are listening.
JM

Summer,
I think working out after session is a geat idea. I used to work out quite regularly and felt so much better then. But I can't say that I ever thought to dliberately work out after a session. I did call a friend once after a particularly grueling session and we met at a driving range and knocked the crap out of some golf balls.

I like to write about the session. It seems that I can work through the issues rather well that way.

I bike up a really steep hill to get home (avoidable one), come home, walk the dog, journal about it, and then play a video game or somethin' if I'm still not calmer.

yeah i am a good writer here is something i wrote about my last session.

The past abuse haunts me sleeping and awake.
I came to you and you helped me to purge out the depths of my pain. Crying more on the inside, i wished for you to help me release all of it, I wished for you to be like a magic potion or wand, that you have told me doesnt exist. Why cant you see the thoughts that are invasive and take over my mind and concentration. Why do i sit there waiting for a mind reader. When you understand, the isolation that intrudes, flees.


Thas all i have written so far. what do you think?? this is my work i wrote it myself.

Sounds great Emerald, I like how you express with your emotions. I do some of my best writing that way rather than when I intellectualize everything and end up sounding more like a psychobabbling book. I think being able to write or express your emotional side of an experience is far more therapeutic. It really sounds soulful.

I hope you are feeling a little more calm today.
JM

quote:

psychobabbling book.

Hi JM....

I just had to chuckle a little at this characterization. I can so relate. But I think I would have to add an r to book. I am a psychobabbling brook. I keep those "run on" sentences running on.

I find myself full of gallows humor right now...nothing is going quite right for me...and all I can do is find something funny to keep me feeling anything.

I do not mean to annoy or make light of everything. It certainly is not reflective of my current situation. But we do say funny things sometimes. eh?

SD

Oh SD, I can totally relate to finding anything funny just to keep feeling something or to provide relief from something too painful. Sometimes I truly believe that if it weren't for humor I'd be dead... deceased, void of life, bleedin demised, off the twig, kicked the bucket, pushing up daisies,... an ex-parrot!

So I get humor.

I have a long ride home from where my T is, so I usually think and sob quite a bit while listening to music. I'm usually in no shape to do much else.

Russ

Hi Russ...

I can relate to you too. There isn't much laughing for me post session, but I don't cry either. I wish I could do it your way. Crying is good...it's exhausting...but cleansing too. I have a long ride home also...it gives me time to process things a bit...and leave my T a voicemail about what I've processed. She seems to like those. I wish I could get the sobbing part over but I just can't seem to really feel my pain right now. hmmmm... I'm beginning to wonder how much pain I can tolerate before I cry. (This is where SI becomes a risk for me.)
I can laugh...even about my pain...but because I can't cry, I feel a little crazy when I laugh.

SD

I can cry but once I start I have a hard time stopping and it doesn't ever seem to help really - I don't feel better or cleansed afterward, just really dehydrated and tired. My marriage counselor T told me that this kind of crying means that doing it alone isn't enough, I need to have a witness and support for the grief. Who is going to want to do that? Sure my T would but I pay her way too much for a way too short of an appointment to spend that much of it crying.

quote:

Originally posted by soulfuldaze:
(This is where SI becomes a risk for me.)
SD

SD, can you tell me what "SI" refers to?

I think crying is good, too, but - as River says - sometimes crying alone won't make me feel better. But, if nothing else, I see crying as a sign that at least I'm not numb, even if I don't know what exactly I'm crying about.

Thanks,
Russ

quote:

Originally posted by River:
My marriage counselor T told me that this kind of crying means that doing it alone isn't enough, I need to have a witness and support for the grief. Who is going to want to do that? Sure my T would but I pay her way too much for a way too short of an appointment to spend that much of it crying.

River,
Funny you should mention that. From my experience just this week sharing your wide open emotions in front of your T is worth every cent. It pays off every single session it took to get to that point. Yesterday I cired and sobbed audibly, even made the painful ugly faces and all, and this was remarkably different than when I've cried this way alone. Alone I feel just as you described; exhausted, and I get a headache and sometimes dizzy. While crying alone can be cleansing, I think when we are grieving such heavy emotions it doesn't have that affect. It's as satisfying as playing catch with yourself. However, when your T is there to catch every tear drop, and hear every painful groan you mutter, and when you catch site of her deep care and love for you through her warm piercing eyes, the grief is heard in a way it has never been heard before even by you. It is powerfully enriching to the soul because it was contained by someone who loves you unlike any other. Just when I thought I could not feel closer to my T and more assured of her love for me, this happened and I am convinced this is the key to true healing because we find that we are able to speak without words and our T's are fluent in understanding this language.

That's my very recent experience anyway.

quote:

Originally posted by Just Me:
Funny you should mention that. From my experience just this week sharing your wide open emotions in front of your T is worth every cent. It pays off every single session it took to get to that point. Yesterday I cired and sobbed audibly, even made the painful ugly faces and all, and this was remarkably different than when I've cried this way alone. Alone I feel just as you described; exhausted, and I get a headache and sometimes dizzy. While crying alone can be cleansing, I think when we are grieving such heavy emotions it doesn't have that affect. It's as satisfying as playing catch with yourself. However, when your T is there to catch every tear drop, and hear every painful groan you mutter, and when you catch site of her deep care and love for you through her warm piercing eyes, the grief is heard in a way it has never been heard before even by you. It is powerfully enriching to the soul because it was contained by someone who loves you unlike any other. Just when I thought I could not feel closer to my T and more assured of her love for me, this happened and I am convinced this is the key to true healing because we find that we are able to speak without words and our T's are fluent in understanding this language.

That's my very recent experience anyway.

Wow, JM. I think I need to start doing this. I mean, I cry in my sessions, but perhaps I need to really let it out. I am still really hesitant to make any real emotional, transference-like connection with my T, but I think it might be time.

quote:

It's as satisfying as playing catch with yourself.

Oh man, that's priceless.

Russ

Russ,
I think at least by acknowledging your need to do that, and giving yourself permission is the first step toward it, and very brave and compassionate to yourself I might add.

Have you ever imagined what it would be like to cry in front of your T the way you cry when you're alone? I always imagined it would feel so good to be heard and symbolically held by their presence and it is, it is, it is.

So yeah, we are the clients with absent T's this whole next week. Mom and dad are gone, let's have a party! (HA!) How long is your T gone? When do you see him next? Is he available to take your phone calls while he is away?

I see my T next Friday and she is not available for phone calls while she is away this time. She is going some place where she cannot retrieve her messages so it is not because she doesn't want to. At least that is what she said. I was able to protest and cry really hard about this too. Inf act she saved the last 5 minutes of session just for me to express my feelings about it. Oddly enough it was just enough time and it felt good if you can call that good, but I think you'll know what I mean. Plus it was a good reason to give her a hug before I left. But I would have anyway as emotional as this session was.

So I will be here, you bring the coffee and I'll bring the paczkis.
JM

JM,

I had to look up what a paczki was, and they look very tasty! Any kind of pastry or doughnut is OK with me, especially if there is chocolate involved. Chocolate is like crack to me, and I'm not exaggerating. So it's a date with the coffee and paczkis .

My T is out all next week, so I won't see him for 10 days. This sucks on a number of levels, but mostly because I'm still really struggling with my symptoms (fear, depression, anxiety, agitation, etc. etc.) as I work through all my stuff. Right now, there seems to be no end to my stuff, so it will be good to have someone else who is T-less to talk with. Lately, the "awfulness" has been hitting me first thing in the morning.

I don't know if he'll be available for emergencies but I'll ask him tonight.

I actually have imagined what it would be like to cry in front of him like I do by myself, and I have once or twice, but I think I need to do this more. We don't have the kind of warm connection that you and other folks here have with their Ts, but I think that's more that I haven't reached out for it than him not being available. I think he is, I'm just not there yet. But I think I need to get to that place because he is the one and only male figure in my life who has ever listened to me, honored my feelings and thoughts, and wants me to express my feelings. But I don't feel like he's the father I always wanted or anything, and I'm starting to wonder if I need him to be...wondering if I need to go through the transference thing in order to get better.

But I digress. Yes, let's support each other - and anyone else - who is struggling without their Ts next week. It's what it's all about here.

Russ

quote:

I need to have a witness and support for the grief. Who is going to want to do that? Sure my T would but I pay her way too much for a way too short of an appointment to spend that much of it crying.

River, I'm not sure what your T means either -- my guess is that she is directing you to find someone to reach out to that isn't her. I'd ask for an example next time you are there.

Regarding paying too much -- I tried working with a counselor through a wellness service offered through my job but after 2 sessions, I'd have to start paying a lot to continue services. This was enough to cause more problems emotionally, so I hunted around to find a university or college counseling service. The one at my nearby university (called the Psychology Clinic) offers services on a sliding scale and let me tell you -- it's wonderful to know that I can afford my sessions! I go once a week! I still have to make a couple of sacrifices but I think it's completely do-able. In addition, these doctoral students work in "teams" allowing them to discuss every session and then possible solutions -- and each T gets therapy too -- good for counter-transference, no? It's a win-win situation, I think. Do you have a local psyc clinic? Is this a possibility for you?

QG,

This reminds me of my older sister who went into therapy years ago when she was in law school. Her insurance through the university would only cover her if she saw a psyche doctoral student, and she was required to do classical psychoanalysis, which meant going five days a week; and she did it for FIVE years.

Guess what the major theme of her therapy was. That's right...Dad.

Great to hear your situation has worked out, and that you have a whole team working on you .

Russ

Whoa! EVERY DAY???? I think I'd go completely bats having to talk about myself to my T every day! What a strange situation.... No psychoanalysis here -- it's "Object Relations Therapy"... I went to another T at another university and had "Shame Therapy" so I guess it just depends upon the dissertation of the doctoral student.

How's your sister now?

quote:

Originally posted by QueenGrey:
How's your sister now?

she's great.

quote:

Originally posted by Russ:
SD, can you tell me what "SI" refers to?

Hi Russ...

"SI" refers to Self Injuring behavior. A problem I've had in the past. It crops up for me occasionally when I can't seem to feel anything. It is a cognitive malfunction that creates the belief that feeling pain is at least feeling something...and that feeling something is better than feeling nothing at all.

I'm sorry it took me so long to reply...I'm in a struggle with myself over who the hell is really in charge right now. *groan*

SD

quote:

Originally posted by Just Me:
It's as satisfying as playing catch with yourself.

LOL...JM...

This was a really good one...I used your analogy in my session on Friday, in describing how I felt about the weird relationship I have with my T. She actually laughed out loud, which is something she rarely does. (And I can be really funny and/or bizarre at times.)

I also had an alter pop out and say "Did you know that a french horn has 14.5 feet of tubing? *chuckling*
Strange session but relatively normal for me. I have discovered that one of the ways I cope with discomfort is by compartmentalizing little pieces of weird trivia. When I reach something that is painful for me...I often suddenly switch and out pops some bizarre unrelated comment. My T tries to redirect me...but sometimes she just has to go with whatever is presented. It all has to be addressed. But as I'm sure you can imagine, it makes for some pretty disjointed therapy.

People in my life often wonder where I come up with all these little factoids (oh...and they love to have me as a trivial pursuit partner...lol) I can't really explain it to people...without scaring them. So I just shrug and try to pay attention to what I am saying (realizing that I may not be in control at that moment and that I need to watch my behavior.)

Anyway....great analogy...I can so totally relate.

SD

SD, Glad you liked my analogy, it is also one of those things I feel just comes out of no where so your following statement is interesting on many levels:

quote:

So I just shrug and try to pay attention to what I am saying (realizing that I may not be in control at that moment and that I need to watch my behavior.)

Sometimes things will just fly out of my mouth before I know it. I wonder if this is an ego thing for me.(?) So many times after a party I will ask my husband if I begaved ok. Sorry, I hope you don't mind that I go there.
JM

quote:

Originally posted by soulfuldaze:

quote:

Originally posted by Russ:
SD, can you tell me what "SI" refers to?

Hi Russ...

"SI" refers to Self Injuring behavior. A problem I've had in the past. It crops up for me occasionally when I can't seem to feel anything. It is a cognitive malfunction that creates the belief that feeling pain is at least feeling something...and that feeling something is better than feeling nothing at all.

I'm sorry it took me so long to reply...I'm in a struggle with myself over who the hell is really in charge right now. *groan*

SD

SD,

no worries. i'm so sorry you're struggling now. the idea of feeling nothing scares the hell out of me, too. it's one of the reasons i've been resistant to taking anti-depressants because they tend to make me emotionally flat/numb, which is a major part of my problems in the first place.

i hope you find some relief soon.

Russ

hi again, i think that the hard session last week has really affected me, i feel like only part of me is in control at the moment and feel kinda separate from me. My thoughts are fast also.
It feels safe to talk about the hard stuff.