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14 replies

Hard times

findingainsleyfindingainsleyMember
Trigger Warning(Death, Illness, Termination). Frowner

I'm having a hard time. My health concerns have brought forth issues of fear, and also an awareness of how each road I take is one that I must truly take alone. Although, I understand the supportive nature of other relationships in my life, I am realizing that when I wake up in the morning, the thoughts I have in my head are mine, just as the thoughts and feelings I have each night I go to bed at night. I walk through the moments in between surrounded by others, BUT truly my experiences are individual. I am scared. I think I have held closely onto T for dependency of "she is there always with me." But, she's not really. Am I waking up from a fantasy? I feel so confused. She's there for 1 hour a week, no less, no more. I hold her in my heart during every waking moment but when it comes down to it, this is my journey; one I walk alone.

If a life threatening diagnosis is in the future, then it's mine. Nobody can take away the disease, the pain of treatment I will have to endure, or the emotional overwhelm as I struggle for survival. I've come so far in healing, and I am so scared that it will all be a waste. What if I have finally learned how to live life as my own person and now I don't get the chance? I am scared.

As I struggle with these fears, I also struggle with reaching out to her. The fantasy that she can take away my suffering and pain is gone. I recognize that what exists is limited, especially outside of that room. If I do get the chance to freely walk away, clear and healthy, then walking ahead in therapy, free and clearly, is only a matter of time. As I walk ahead, I realize that our relationship shifts. I need her less. I want her more, but I need her less. She slowly sees that and holds firm to the fact that a friendship cannot last beyond those four walls. A REAL relationship, just as I have said from day one, has not developed. It was a stand-in until one day I'd make it on my own. If the time comes where I am lying in a hospital bed with the realization that my life is coming to its final chapter, will she sit beside me and take my hand? I don't think so because just as it was in life, I will walk into death the only way possible; alone.
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R rabbitearsMember
(((((Ainsley))))))

I'm so sorry.

I don't think I can write anything that won't sound empty in the face of this major crisis you're facing. I'm sorry you feel so alone, and I can understand why you do--it is existential aloneless: facing the real possibility of your own death, not just the distant thought that most of us push out of our minds for years at a time... But I wanted to say that, reading your post, my heart responded to what you'd written; I was with you in my thoughts and truly feeling for you. Tears are dripping down my face now, as I write this. Your fear is palpable and so clearly expressed; it's so honest, it hurts.

quote:
She's there for 1 hour a week, no less, no more. I hold her in my heart during every waking moment but when it comes down to it, this is my journey; one I walk alone.


I'm not sure if this will help, Ainsley, but my T recently reminded me that the connection between T and patient/client is forever; it's not something that can be broken or ended--much like our connections (for better or for worse) with parents. T reminded me that I'm still connected to my own parents (who have passed away), that I still draw strength/lessons from the relationship I had with them; and therefore, the relationship continues, as I respond to their influence (or reject some parts of it) in my current life. Despite the limited time we spend with our Ts, the relationship is real and powerful, and it extends beyond the walls of T's office, beyond the therapy hour, forever.

quote:
I've come so far in healing, and I am so scared that it will all be a waste. What if I have finally learned how to live life as my own person and now I don't get the chance?


I understand this fear/feeling, but only from the perspective of "half my life is gone and I'm just now coming to terms with my past; what's the point of all this therapy?" It's not the same as what you're facing, obviously, but I believe that no matter what else happens, this healing we do in therapy is never a waste. In your case, your psychological and emotional strength you've gained is allowing you to face and express your fear openly. People with less self-awareness, when faced with a life-threatening illness, often run in the opposite direction, do anything to avoid the fear--e.g., denying the true possibility of death (including refusing to seek further tests or treatment), drinking to excess, using busy-ness to distract themselves. All the healing and self-knowledge you've achieved in therapy is going to help you on this part of your path. It's not what you'd hoped to do with your newly gained strength, of course, but you've encountered this challenge in the middle of your path, and you're confronting it. And you have a good T who will be at your side to help you through this.

quote:
If the time comes where I am lying in a hospital bed with the realization that my life is coming to its final chapter, will she sit beside me and take my hand?


Ainsley, my gut feeling is that if you ask your T to do this for you, she would do it. Or maybe I just believe that any T (any human being??) would do this if asked? I think it's worth asking, because if she promises to do this, it may help alleviate some of your fear; and if for some reason the answer is no, you'll be able to be that much more open in discussing your fears of loss, including losing T. If having T sit beside you in the hospital near the end (if it comes to that) is something you want, I think you should ask her for that, not hold back that wish.

Ainsley, I don't recall whether you have a good friend or family member who can be supportive in such a difficult and serious situation. I really hope so. FWIW, my thoughts are with you, and I hope it's OK to send a heartfelt cyber hug--your post makes my heart ache for you. I'm really, really sorry you're having to face this illness and the fears that go with it.

Hug two

RabbitEars
catalystcatalystMember
((FA))

I'm so sorry about your health and the hard time right now Hug two

I think... sometimes we internalize our Ts so they kind of are "there". It's the "there" our parents should have given us... which is our center, in a way. To rebuild it I think we sorta need T there.

I'm sorry you're feeling alone and I feel deeply about what you've written... I can relate in a way and am thinking of you and sending gentle thoughts.

I do believe RE is right when she says your T would hold your hand, and it is worth asking but I truly hope it does not come to that, with sickness now.
armoredheartarmoredheartMember
((((ainsley))))

I have been meaning to respond to this for some time, I am sorry for the delay. It is just so powerful that I've really had to collect my reaction as to what to even say. All I can really articulate is that I am so sorry you are coping with such an intense situation. My heart really does go out to you...

So many beautiful things have been written in the replies, that there is not much help I feel I can add, but I do want to let you know you are heard and cared about. The things you expressed would strike a chord with any soul. Real, honest, raw emotions. Your fears are sure to be felt by anyone in your situation, but so much harder to process when added to the pain of your past and in working with T.

It may sound empty and cliche, but if you can find a way to hold onto the care and comfort T and others have sent you, then you will never be truly, completely alone. That exists in you when you receive it, it becomes a part of you no matter where you go or what you do in the future. I've come to realize this in contemplating how someone can feel alone in a crowded room, the opposite holds true. I believe someone can feel love from miles away. The physical proximity of the person doesn't provide the real comfort, it's what you receive in your heart from them. I think this is one of the hardest lessons in life, and so much more complex to wrap the mind around after childhood abuse. (because what we crave is someone powerful enough to take away all the pain and fear, but even the best parent can only try to reach our heart while we walk on our own journey) I'm so sorry it's so very painful Frowner

I want to be respectful of what everyone believes, but if you do have any inclination towards spiritual beliefs, I wonder if that may provide some comfort for you now to embrace those? That has really been the most powerful force in my life for combating my fear and loneliness. I truly hope you will let T help you cope with these very understandable feelings, and keep reaching out here and to others who can hopefully ease a little of your pain. I am thinking of you and hoping for the best for you. Sending lots of hugs...

Hug two AH

**(edited to add that I hope saying how close someone is physically isn't complete source of comfort doesn't invalidate your feelings or hurt, I only mean it to express that the love from others can be carried within you... sorry if I'm not wording that well)**
Last edited by armoredheart
findingainsleyfindingainsleyMember
Wow. All I can say is WOW. The support here is overwhelmingly amazing and it brings tears to my eyes. Those that have reached out here and those that have kept me in your thoughts, I hope you know how incredible you are. Truly kind and warm, and it's made the last couple weeks manageable. My heart swelled with so much fear as I waited answers about my future, and I am happy to report that the answers were good. Treatable and beatable! Thank GOD! Smiler Relief!

As I was hit with these realities, though, I was also confronted with a loss. The people I called family for my whole life walked away from me. I had gone no contact with these people because I needed some time to make sense of all that happened to me and I finally was disrespected for the last time when I confronted them with the abuse of the past, I realized that they'd never get it. They'd never change. So, I lost something even though it was really something I never had. I have been blamed for it all. BUT, I realize that I am now free, free from abuse! YAY!

The fears of illness, met with loss brought forth termination fears in therapy. I have been exploring them with T. It's been a rough couple of weeks, but when we hit the bottom sometimes, I think strength is found. It's strange that I have found a sense of strength and contentment through out this storm.

Thank you all again for everything. HUGS!!!! and CELEBRATE with me as I start LIFE over again, healthy and free?? Smiler

R rabbitearsMember
Ainsley, that's great news!! I've been thinking of you, just wondering last night if I should ping this thread to check up on you, so it's wonderful to hear how you're doing.

The family stuff may be the biggest (and ongoing) challenge in life, even for people who have no contact with their FOO. BUT--you are young, healthy, AND free to move forward with YOUR life!







RabbitEars
findingainsleyfindingainsleyMember
Thank you all. It's such a relief. I was terrified. I was in a very deep and dark place last week when there were so many unknowns. It brought forth so many emotions as you could see at the beginning of this thread, but something came out this that really surprised me and that's growth. I realized aloneness, how we travel the world truly on our own inside of our heads, facing our fears, confronting our issues, truly is what it means to be an adult. I had struggled because for so long I wanted someone else to conquer these things for me. I wanted someone to protect me. But, I realized that while there are others surrounding me(like all of you wonderful friends) that I had to rise up for the occasion and be there for me (even though I had been doing just exactly that since I was a little girl). It was just this awareness that came to me, like "Okay, Ainsley, it's time to stand tall and fight this head on. This is your battle and you fight alone."

I think this realization, this growth, really prompted the stepping away from my family for once and for all, and coming to terms with the fact that they've NEVER been there. There's a lot of grief and a lot of loss that I am experiencing over what never was, but there is also a strength rising up from deep within that's never been there before either. It's kind of amazing.



I am definitely celebrating...
R rabbitearsMember
quote:
I realized aloneness, how we travel the world truly on our own inside of our heads, facing our fears, confronting our issues, truly is what it means to be an adult. I had struggled because for so long I wanted someone else to conquer these things for me. I wanted someone to protect me. But, I realized that while there are others surrounding me(like all of you wonderful friends) that I had to rise up for the occasion and be there for me (even though I had been doing just exactly that since I was a little girl).


I think all Ts, everywhere, would give you a standing ovation for this insight, Ainsley! You're wise beyond your years!

RabbitEars

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