Hey Mac, STRM, TN, Starfish, DF, BB,
I can't thank all of you enough for your support. Sometimes I feel like a five year old asking for what I want. It's soo soo hard.
I asked for the 2nd session this week - something I've never done. Geez, I just went from going every other week to every week just within the last month so to ask for a 2nd session in a week is really bold for me.
T was kind of matter of fact yesterday. Sometimes he puts on the serious face, the one that conveys the "I care" message. But not yesterday, so that was a little unnerving. He's not going to sit there and beg me to tell him what's on my mind. That's not going to happen. If I say it, I say it. If I don't, I don't.
So we talked about how I felt I really needed the support right now. How when I think of things I have to face over the next couple of weeks, sometimes I honestly get the feeling that I'm going to pass out. I have realized that seeing him really helps me feel grounded. I think it was TN who pointed that out to me. And it really does. I told T that it feels so much better to ask for what I need that to not ask. And he agreed.
He told to never never worry about calling for an extra session. That made me feel really good. He wasn't as generous with the phone call thing. I think it's obvious that he allows in between session phone calls. He told me he wants me to try to figure things out on my own first before calling. But he also said last week when I called him when i was in extreme emotional pain was entirely appropriate.
I didn't ask him about after hours contact because I got intimidated. But I did explicitly say at the end of the session that it would be helpful for me to come in on Thursdays (and mondays) just for now around the holidays. And he said he actually has a lot of cancellations right now and let's go talk to his secretary. And, I told him that I'd taken enough risk in one day and I'll talk to his secretary on Monday.
I came home and felt really good. He said I can come as often as i want. That's what I wanted. But, a part of me wanted that serious face that he does. I cried about that and thought that maybe that's what I was looking for from my Dad and never got. I'm not sure my Dad ever gave me a hug and told me he cared or he loved me. I just don't remember anything like that. Like AG has said, we have to acknowledge our losses and mourn them. So, maybe that's what I have to do here.
The whole day was emotionally overwhelming. I came home and fell asleep for a little while. And then we had some company last night for several hours.
I just want to pass something by you guys. You all probably know by know that I'm always watching my T like a hawk, to see what it is he does or how he actually "treats" people. So, something has happened recently twice that has never ever happened before. It could be pure coincidence and I could totally be reading into this. But twice recently his cell phone has rung during session. I swear, it's never ever happened. And, I'm thinking he knows I had difficulty talking to his secretary on the phone and that I'm hinting at more contact with him and wondering if it's possible at all that he was employing some kind of subconscious prompt???? Would that too far of a stretch?
And, then, also twice he talked on and on about other couples. He has occasionally talked about other people in the past and I do find it mildly annoying because I don't really want to hear about other peoples problems. I do only see him for 45 minutes. But this time he asked me if it was okay if he talked about other people and then said, he thinks it's helpful to clarify a point. And, of course, agreeable me said sure, go ahead and tell me your story but really I do find it mildly annoying. It was a bit different that he asked me if it was okay because I have been going to him for three years and he's never asked me this before - except recently too, he brings out this little triangle thingy with thoughts written on one angle and behavior on another and feelings on the third with arrows going in all directions. I can't tell you how many times he has brought it out. Recently, though, he brought it out and asked if I minded. He's just never asked if i minded before, and I'm thinking, well should I? I do just kind of just humor him again with the triangle thing because it's simplistic and I don't think it really helps me at this point, so well, yes I guess again, I do mind. Not a lot. Not a big deal. Just wondered if anyone has any thoughts on this.
At the end of the day, I know I am a person that will stay home and writhe in pain rather than ask for help. I would think any therapist would want to help me reach out to them. I am not the client calling all the time. In fact, for the last 3 years, i went every other week and hardly ever ask for anything additional. So, I have decided to take that approach on Monday if I decide to ask him about after hours contact. Because I know me. And I know if I did contact him over the weekend or after hours, it would only be if I was in some kind of extreme pain or if something really bad happened with my H.
Thanks again, everyone for your support. It really means a lot!!!!
(((((HUGS TO ALL)))))
Liese
