Hi TAS
I'm not sure that I feel quite the same, although there remains the abiding thought of why did this have to be my path.
I came into therapy this time round because I had exhausted every other avenue to manage mt weight and my partner knew a T who dealt with weight issues. We haven't touched on my weight issues in the 6 years I have been seeing her, and my weight hasn't resolved itself. I'm not sure whether I regret coming back to therapy, some days I resent its hold on my life, and am appalled by the depths that I have plunged to; other days I recognise that slowly I am beginning to live a life I choose - I have cut contact with my family of origin, which whilst leaving me feeling full of guilt is possibly the single most independent thing I have ever done for myself.
For me the whole process is so weird, basically in trying to access emotions which previously I have stuffed down with food - or so my T says.
I need to carry on because now the other abiding wish is that my life cannot continue this way - I cling to that hope - otherwise I think this whole living thing is cruel.
I guess that doesn't really help you, but for whatever reason anyone ended up in therapy, I bet none of us are where we expected it would take us!

quote:

Can anyone else relate? There are times when I really feel as if I have to justify WHY I am where I am at and WHY I need therapy at this time in my life.

(((TAS))), I can so relate to everything you write and I have been there, and in some cases, I'm still there as well.

Your persistance is an admirable quality for sure, but sometimes, it can make us really hard on ourselves, and based on your history you have shared here, no one was very easy on you to begin with, so you learned to hammer yourself pretty well. Shit happens. And it's sad, it's unfair, and we adapted to it the best we could as children and hey.......we survived, right?
The problem with that so called "control" we think we have had all this time is that we're not really in control at all. We just built walls. Walls are not the same thing as control, and you're human, so sooner or later, life will throw us all a curve ball and because we are human, we can collapse.

It's really ok that you didn't see it coming! You don't have to see everything coming, and I know how scary that thought is for you...........it terrified me to accept that, because that's how I lived for so long.

My T has been telling me for years to be gentle with myself, and she has said it alot lately. I have raised three children, and been gentle with them, and gentle with my grandchildren, so I know what it is............but giving that to myself feels sometimes nearly impossible. It's a quandary for sure, and I don't know if I can DO that..... if I will ever learn to stop judging myself, but what I do know is that NOT being gentle to myself, and judging, and questioning myself all the time does not work at all. So, I persist in trying to see things in a different perspective, to being more open with myself.

I know you have struggled a lot with your T, and I'm sure you wish that you could just figure all this out on your own and not have to deal with the likes of him at all, but hey.....once again, you are human, and sometimes we need help, and that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It just means we are human.

We learned that we had to justify who we were....for all kinds of reasons, and life becomes just too hard living that way. I learned that I had to give my parents a reason to love me.....and my signature quote says it all: "One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving."

You don't have to justify who you are, or give reasons for that. Ever.

I know that's easier said, or written, than done. But FWIW, I'm learning to believe that it's true.


Blu

((tas))
I think those walls and defences start collapsing when the mind knows we are now in a safe place in life for that to happen. That its safe to let go and start healing