Yes MEEEEE.

I have seen my T a few times over the years - ie stopped and started blocks of therapy and this was the largest break. When I knew I needed therapy 18 months ago - I didn't want to go back to her as the break had been a long time, I didn't want her to think I was a failure, I wanted to hide some stuff from her, felt like I was going backwards by going back to her, I knew she 'knew' me and I that I couldn't hide things from her, she worked in a place where I knew a lot of people and I didn't want to bump into them,

So i eventually went to someone else - that ended very badly and I found myself suddenly terminated, distraught, traumatised, suicidal and needing urgent help. So i tracked down old T and she called me the next day. I went to see her immediately for the only reason for her to keep me safe for a few days. Then i saw her another time to help her debrief with me about the T termination. During those discussions I talked about the fear of starting up again, the fact that i need long term therapy, that i need an experienced trauma T, attachment T and that I had BPD. My T didn't flinch. I said to her that i felt good talking wiht her and she felt right - I had that same feeling from her. I said in a round about way that it would be good if she wanted me as a client, but I totally understand if she didnt and would she help me find someone suitable. She said that she would be very happy to take me back for the long term. I went thru every boundary and rule I might break! I thought up every bad thing I could do to her, all our past issues, shared experiences, people we knew - I brainstormed everything. Everything laid out. I said that I would be horrible to her, email her nasty things, be angry with her, be the worst client ever and she would regret taking me back - and she just kept smiling and said "yes you probably will do all those things, I am experienced and together we will overcome it all'.

I would stress that I have just attached to the last T and was terminated and I had never had an attachment before - and how do i know I can attach to her. What if I don't? She would just smile and say - let's just see how it goes and not force anything. Maybe she knew I would attach.

I have been with her for 6 months - we have had a couple of ruptures, but we are close and great.

The bad thing for her is that because I have known her for so long - 15 years - I can read her well and know when she is tired - and I tell her!!! We have a comfortable relationship together and she just feels great. I am getting more OK about telling her what I need or want and have no trouble in expressing myself - usually via writing. telling her is a bit harder.

I am not sure about the relationship or the dynamics changing. Will have to think about that. I thought I was close to her previously - but this time I am really attached to her. We could cut thru so much crap because we had had a history before - that was a big benefit. Those on the forum here have commented and noticed that with this T i could jump into some heavy issues fairly quickly.

I was never terminated by this T - i just stopped going at a logical end. At the time I felt Ok and didn't go back although I saw T in other settings.

Somedays

Hi bluesky
I was so hoping Somedays would come on line and talk with you as she has pretty recently done this herself and it certainly seems to be working very well and she will give you good insights!!
So thank you Somedays and s to you both!

Hi bluesky,

I have stopped and started with the same T three times over a 5 year period or so. The first time I saw this T I wasn't reaady for her depth of work, and only lasted about 4 months. I then took a break and saw a different T for about a year. At that point, I terminated with the current T (lots of red flags and she just wasn't helping me anymore) and decided to go back to the other T again. Since we ended on good terms, it was no problem starting back with her again. This time, I was much more ready to do the depth of work she did and worked with her for around 1.5 years?

Again, after that, I took a break from her as there was just some stuff I wasn't ready to face. I took about two years off, and saw a different T for about 4 months during that time apart. I ended up back with the original T for about 6 more months after that break, and again, since we ended on good terms, it was like going back to an old friend, actually.

I did term with her about three years ago, and ended again on good terms. I don't know that I'll go back to her now that I found a T that really can work with all of me on all levels and depths, but I could go back to old T at any time, and I know she'd always welcome me back.

Thanks Morgs!

I think R2G makes the most important point - it depends on how you parted. If you left on good terms, then the door is open for you to return if you choose to do so.

And yes, it really felt like I was going back to an old friend. It felt lovely and warm and fuzzy - except for the fact that I was BPD crazy and suicidal......

Hi Bluesky,
I actually did four separate bouts of therapy with my first therapist over a 22 year span. I would hit points in the work where it felt like enough, so I would stop going and often would integrate what I had learned. At other times, it was really about needing more energy to live my life and I was stable enough to be on my own. Then I would hit some other stuff I realized I was ready to deal with and go back.

My first T always kept her door open. The second time I stopped therapy, I did the worst way possible. I was working with her individually, and then started attending a group therapy of which she was co-facilitator (she actually invited me to join it). It proved to be an incredible growth opportunity but it also finally got me in touch with my anger, which scared me to death. So I disappeared. Didn't make another appt, didn't let her know I was leaving. I just went. A few years later,I hit a point in my life where I was struggling with a lot of anger coming up. My husband says I never came close, but I was worried about losing control and abusing my kids, so I decided I needed to go back to therapy and learn to deal with my anger. When I decided to return to therapy, I contacted her and was pretty worried she would tell me I couldn't come back.

But she didn't. I did apologize and told her I wouldn't do that again, but she was very gracious about it. Our work together ended when she retired, and it was very important to me that I saw it out to the end, because I didn't want to disappear on her again.

And I don't know that I would apply the term "going back" with my present T, but I hit a point where I decided I didn't need to go regularly, and we had a "final" appointment. I didn't see him for about four months, but called and made an appointment when I got badly triggered and felt like I needed some help processing. Since then, I basically call when I need to see him; it's been averaging about once every four to six weeks. He has made it very clear that he is my therapist and always will be and that his door is always open to me and I am welcome to come whenever I need. What's even more amazing is that even though I'm not seeing him regularly, it is still ok to call or email anytime. He's even did a longer phone call once during a crisis when he couldn't fit in an appt.

With my first T, the dynamics changed very little and when they did change it was for the better. There is something appealing about going back to someone you've worked with before because they have all your background and even are intimate with the work you've already done. With my present T, the dynamics have actually shifted very clearly, with the power dynamic leaning more towards equality, mainly because I outgrew my need for dependence and also learned to see him as actually human. He has also taken on more of a mentor role for my growth now that so much of the healing is done.

AG

Thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences. I have heard of a bad experience and I found it encouraging and hopeful to hear of some good experiences.

I just have this fear that you can't go back because it will make things worse.