I think after a 2 month frustration search that I may have found the right T for me. Of course, he will never replace my T who i still miss and mourn and grieve for. But he seems to get my issues while at the same time he does not devalue what I had with my T and can help me to understand what happened.

As you all may remember I was seeing a female T that I called D. D attended that "transition" meeting with my T and she betrayed me and abandoned me during the session. This was a real transgression to me as my ability to trust anyone right now is in tatters. And the final straw was when in the next session I questioned her about attachment and she told me that she encourages her clients to attach to themselves! If I could do that I would not need a T right? How can you attach to yourself? I knew at that moment she would not be the one to help me heal.

So onward.... I went through the lists of Ts with a fine tooth comb. I did not want a female and I wanted a male who was not too young or too old and nearing retirement age. I found one who seemed knowledgeable about trauma and I spoke to him on the phone for 10 minutes and made an appointment. The catch was that he is only in my town once per week and I would have to alternate weekly appointments at 6 pm and 9 pm. He held the meetings in the pastors office of an old church in my town. I was not too crazy about going out at 9 pm for a session because I work and am busy in the evening with my son but I figured if he's that good I would manage.

I saw him 3 times and he was sort of a quiet, calm type of personality. He seemed intelligent and asked me some really good and probing questions. He explained how termination should ideally be handled, said I had experienced a trauma in what happened to me and he listened while I talked about my T. And while I thought he was good there was something missing. Part of it was the impersonal office. We sat on hard chairs and the office was shabby and kind of bare. No warmth, nothing that spoke of him or who he was. Not really his fault but the "space" I spend my time in is important to me. I'm sure his main office which is 30 minutes from me would have given me a different feeling. But the other thing was that I just felt nothing. There was no connection, no real attunement. I thought that perhaps I had the bar so high no T would ever feel like MY T did. And that maybe I was just spinning my wheels trying to find someone who was the twin of my T, which of course is impossible. I worried that I was looking for him in everyone I met and was scared I'd never be truly comfortable or at home with another T.

While lamenting this with my sister late one night she said to do a search for Ts in the town yellow pages instead of just using the list from Psychology Today to find a T. So I came up with a couple of different names and one was the T my friend at work uses. I had resisted seeing him because I knew she was but my sister insisted I call him and leave a message and so I did. He called me the next night and I actually had given up that he would call me.

We had a 12 minute conversation and I told him that I had an abrupt and traumatic termination and was searching for a new T. He asked me about the termination and I told him my T was not comfortable with attachment and trauma. And to my amazement he said to me... attachment is perfectly normal and in fact, it's a sign of health that you could attach! OMG... I was in shock. Then he told me that unfortunately most Ts do not handle termination...gracefully ... and they botch it up and cause damage. We talked a bit about that and he told me I sounded very intelligent and insightful and then I asked for an appointment. He gave me one three days from the call and I was actually looking forward to meeting him.

I could find nothing on him on the internet except for his phone number etc. No picture. He was the first T I would meet that I had NO idea how he looked and that sort of scared me LOL. I knew a tiny bit of him from what i remembered my friend saying although we do not discuss our therapies at all.

And so I showed up and he had a nice office in a medium size building very close to my house. There is a reception room he shares with 3 female Ts that is very comfortable and nicely decorated. His office was nice.... not too big not too small. Nice queen anne chairs to sit on or the leather couch. Nothing shabby here LOL. He is in his 50s and dark hair kinda short and stocky. Like my old T. He shook my hand and gave me some paperwork to fill out and then we went in. He was so easy to talk to and he said he knew who I was before I got there because my friend, who was with me in the ER that night with my T, told him a bit of what happened because she was so freaked out by it. He said he was very interested in hearing ME tell the story and I did and I cried and I tried to explain and told him how confused I was. He listened and hesitated a moment and then looked at me and said... it's very obvious that your T cared too much about you... he was very emotionally involved with you and that's why he had to take himself out of the situation. He got scared and didn't have any support to help him through this. Wow. That gave me a lot to think about.

He told me again that I was very intelligent and knew so much about psychology that i could be intimidating to some Ts... not him evidently...LOL...and and said he would be willing to talk about anything I needed to and that attachment is not an issue with him. He made me an appointment which would be in two weeks because he was leaving on a 1 week vacation. He said he does not take more than a week at a time because it causes some of his patients to regress.

The BEST part was that when he gave me his card he pointed to his email address and said... he is the only one who ever sees the emails and that I should feel free to email him whenever i need to and that if I don't hear back from him within 24 hours I should re send it because he may have missed it somehow!!!!!! I looked at him in amazement and said... I'm allowed to email you? And he said yes, it's not a problem. And then he said I can call him but if it's important I should beep him so he will call back sooner. OMG....have I found AGs Ts twin brother??

Then he shook my hand and I asked... are we allowed to do this? He laughed and said ... of course we are. So then I said have a good vacation and left.

That was 2 weeks ago. I saw him again yesterday and again had a fabulous session. He again assured me I did nothing wrong in therapy and it was my T who had such strong feelings for me and this is why he cannot face me now. He is afraid he cannot contain his own emotions in seeing and talking with me. He needs time. Again we talked of transference and get this... he has read IN SESSION!! He said transference does not scare him and he has read a lot on it.

I then told him that I was afraid he would not want me for a patient because of all my issues. He asked me what issues was I concerned about and I said my therapy damage. No T wants to deal with me. And he then told me that when he first came to practice in my town there were a lot of really bad Ts out there and he spent a lot of time working with people who were damaged in therapy. He assured me I was not scary. He said the most scary patient he had pulled a .38 revolver on him... had him at gunpoint... I said OMG what happened? And... he told me ... oh we went on to do another good 6 years of therapy and the guy left in a pretty good place! If he didn't terminate a client who pulled a gun then a woman crying over her T is not gonna scare him at all.

He told me that because I present as such a strong, intelligent, knowledgeable and in control woman my T had no idea what to do with the little girl part of me who is terrified. He could not reconcile the two and in fact... he said my T treated me more as a colleague or friend... even though we did good therapy which was pretty amazing. He told me my right brain and left brain were out of sync and we would work on that. He also again said attachment is very normal. He follows Kohut a lot it seems and also.... I asked him about neurobiology/neuroscience and he told me he specialized in neuropsychology. Wow I can talk to him about the brain etc. too.

When I asked him why there is nothing on him on the net he told me that he has not had an opening in 15 years. So I asked him how I managed to get into see him and he told me that I was "C's" friend and that he already knew my story and was glad I called him. He told me he knew I would get well and he told me he does not terminate patients. They leave when they are ready. Of course I looked skeptical and he understood why... how can I believe anything after what I've been through.

Overall it was a very good session. I would stop short of saying we have that special connection but at least he understands me and makes me feel less crazy. He gets attachment and transference and neurobiology and does not scare and is very smart. I feel like I can challenge him and he would enjoy it and challenge me back.

And so... have I found a T to help me greive and heal and move forward? I'm afraid to actually believe this. I will see him again on Tuesday.

I thought I would share this news with all of you who have been so supportive to me through my nightmare of termination and I thank you all for everything.

TN