Have you ever felt that you don't 'know' how to feel as in, connected your feelings to where they came from? The original source, i.e. the pain?

When I have sat with my therapist twice, I just started crying for no reason. She didn't have to say a word.

I always cry when it comes to talking about my parents but I cannot mindfully connect to where the feelings are coming from. The tears feel empty somewhat. Even though the moment I talk about my parents the tears trigger, I still don't 'feel' stuff.

I find it very hard to understand what 'feeling' means.

When younger I had a stressful childhood in the sense of emotional neglect from 0 years. Dad was not there for the first 6 months. Then both were for a short while. Then Mum left when I was 2. After this my Stepmother was my chief carer who happened to be depressed. Aged 12 physical abuse started by both Dad and Stepmum. So I'm wondering if I've just managed to disassociate myself so much from everything that I just don't feel..

I have always been in a state of apathy, procrastination and demotivation for as long as I remember. I have fun in life in a strangely random and chaotic way but when it comes to delaying gratification, I find life very hard. Also I don't understand it when people are inspired. Don't quite get what it means to 'feel' inspired...