Hi Kashley,

Yes I can identify with everything...and especially with the urge to get in the car and DRIVE far, far away. I've spent many hours driving in great big circles, going nowhere, just moving as fast as I can to "get away". Sometimes I go "somewhere" so it looks like I'm doing something constructive...and sometimes it actually turns out that way on the outside...but it really is just running away from emotions I feel like I can't deal with. I guess that is why I'm in therapy, to make me sit long enough that I can't run away...but then on therapy days like today, as I'm sitting there I find that the little buggers have decided to run away from ME. VERY frustrating.

Good luck, Kashley...I hope we both find ways to stay and feel more and more as time goes on...I know it will get better...

SG

Oh Kashley, I definitely understand what you are saying/feeling. Just last week I was feeling all "wrong" and so awful I wanted to get away from myself. Unfortunately, wherever you go... there you are! But seriously, I had a really tough session that did not end well at all. I think I was still very activated and time was up (hate that damn clock) and I had to go and spent the rest of the day and the next days feeling like I wanted to get out of my own skin and go away from myself. I think these urges and feelings fall under the self-loathing category of bad feelings. I am really good at that. When I feel uneasy or anxious about something that happened, especially lately with my T, I turn it inwards against myself. And yes the feeling is actually physical in a weird way. It's a really strong feeling of not wanting to be me and not knowing what to do about it. The other day I described it and just feeling "wrong". Like everything about me was just wrong, my clothes, my hair, my body, my thoughts, my feelings, my entire life. It just keeps spiraling and spiraling and it's very hard to stop. It helps to post here or talke to someone who understands about therapy. I really don't have any answer for you on that in my case it seems to spin itself out and then I go into what I call "the frozen tundra", where I manage to numb myself so I don't have those feelings any longer but I don't feel much of anything else either. I guess this is one of my defense mechanisms to keep me from the pain of what is bubbling around inside of me.... especially if I am not going to see my T for another few days.

I'm just sorry you feel this way too but I do understand it. Try to at least make note of how you feel or what triggered it so you can talk to your T about it when you see her. And keep posting... sometimes just airing the thoughts and emotions helps to tame them a bit.

TN

kashley,

I'm not trying to be a wise-ass, but I've had trouble being with myself for over two years. Not because I hate myself, but because of the fear caused by just what you describe: feelings that are trying to bubble up to the surface.

It's like there's a train coming at you, but you can't see it or tell how close it is, but you can hear it and you can feel the vibration on the tracks and you're tied down to the tracks.

I wish I had some advice on getting away from yourself in this particular state, but I don't. TN's advice is good; try to stay with how you feel and think about what the meaning of this feeling might be.

Best,
Russ

Thanks a ton for the replies SG, TN, and Russ. It helps so much to be able to talk about it with people who understand..

quote:

I've spent many hours driving in great big circles, going nowhere, just moving as fast as I can to "get away". Sometimes I go "somewhere" so it looks like I'm doing something constructive...and sometimes it actually turns out that way on the outside...but it really is just running away from emotions I feel like I can't deal with.

Yes!! I seem to be doing this a lot lately.

quote:

I think I was still very activated and time was up (hate that damn clock) and I had to go and spent the rest of the day and the next days feeling like I wanted to get out of my own skin and go away from myself.

I had a session on Friday that was a lot like that. Working out insurance issues took up literally half the session and we didn't really get into anything. The whole session felt very superficial and disconnected. I know I was hesitant to get into anything because of the time limit. And my T, for the first part of when we actually got to the session, seemed very active and I kind of wonder if it was to keep me from getting too deep and dissociating again. Well, it worked, but it felt like a totally unproductive session. My mom is visiting me this week, so my T knew I'd be fairly tied up, so when we went to schedule the next appointment, she said, "Ok, well since you are busy next week, how about we do two weeks?" And I have a horrible, horrible time asking for things, but I definitely did not want to go two weeks (which bring on a whole separate wave of..stuff), so I very timidly asked if we could meet this week. Even though it seems like a productive thing, I keep feeling negative things about asking, like I should be able to deal with two weeks. It felt like I was being too needy (I know it's ridiculous, but..).

Anyway, all of this (plus 1,000 other minute things) triggered this feeling. It is exactly like you described, TN...A feeling that everything about me is wrong. I feel this almost 100% of the time, but it's not always this physical, have-to-get-away-from-myself feeling.

quote:

It's like there's a train coming at you, but you can't see it or tell how close it is, but you can hear it and you can feel the vibration on the tracks and you're tied down to the tracks.

That is such a good description of what it is like. It is such a helpless feeling. A few sessions ago my T tried to have me come up with an image...something that could help me try to only let some feelings through, rather than the torrent it always seems to be whenever I DO feel. That only gets me so far. My T talked about cracking a door, but it always seem like no matter what I do the door always swings wide open or closes completely (furnished with a vacuum seal!).

Thanks again to all of you. It does help a ton to be able to talk about it some. I too hope that we can all find ways to better deal with this feeling.

quote:

I had a session on Friday that was a lot like that. Working out insurance issues took up literally half the session and we didn't really get into anything. The whole session felt very superficial and disconnected. I know I was hesitant to get into anything because of the time limit. And my T, for the first part of when we actually got to the session, seemed very active and I kind of wonder if it was to keep me from getting too deep and dissociating again. Well, it worked, but it felt like a totally unproductive session.

[quote]

Wow, Kashley I had almost the same experience on Thursday with my T. We spent the first half of the session with some mundane matters and then because my T seemed sort of distracted and it all felt so disconnected, I just could not get started on anything productive. I kept strugglig to find some connection so that it would give me the courage I needed to bring up something that was on my mind. Well, by the time I decided to broach the subject I sort of knew time was winding down and I just feel like I handled it all wrong. I rushed through it without making a lot of sense and then my T had to say... time is up so we have to do this another time. At that point all the "wrongness" felt overwhelming and I just gathered up my stuff and almost ran out of there. It felt wrong that I rushed the topic, and tried to squeeze something in that I shouldn't have. I felt that he was disinterested because I didn't get much feedback at all and the session ended with me hanging outside of the therpeutic window... meaning I was still highly activated and had to leave and go back to work. Not a good scenario.

I wonder if some of this feeling of wrongness or not wanting to be with outselves comes from that most difficult of feelings to manage... shame. When I sat with myself for awhile I did feel that shame for having introduced the subject. It was something I was struggling with and I took the risk and it felt like it was a HUGE failure. And then I just beat myself up for having been so stupid to even attempt it.

Now I'm feeling like I never want to do that discussion again and prefer to forget it and bury it back where it was.

I don't know... these are just some thoughts I've been having since Thursday. Your description of your session sounded so much like mine I thought I'd put this out there for you.

Take care,
TN

I feel so much shame over silly little things (like making a stupid joke, or situations like TN's, there, or often even here on the forum, feeling like I hate what I said, hate the way I am...) that I have to just cringe or I feel like I want to bang my head, often. Driving would be better. Kashley have you ever had any luck getting out of these feelings to a place of self-acceptance and peace, ever? For me I have to just wait until the memory subsides. Or if I can have a successful day, that helps for awhile until my next inevitable failure emerges. Or if someone is just really genuinely nice to me, that helps a lot, and is longer-lasting. ugh. (((((Kashley)))))) Sorry you are dealing with this too.

BB

TN, that is so incredibly similar to my session! Something my T said towards the end of the session made me think of something that I had been wanting to tell my T for several sessions. Nothing too big, but I wanted it out there. And I sat in silence for a few minutes, trying to muster up the courage, but I was also just waiting for her to tell me that we had to wrap it up because I knew it was getting close. And I debated with myself for those silent last few minutes about whether to bring it up. I ended up not doing it, and it seems like I'm seesawing between feeling crappy about not bringing it up (which would have helped a little to explain a few things) or feeling crappy about bringing it up (if I had) and dealing with the aftermath of being left to my own devices. Oh, TN, I can't believe how much I can relate to everything in your post. It's so tough.

STRM -

No need to apologize at all. My mom's visit does have a lot to do with the feelings, but it's more my thoughts that I verbalized to my T regarding the visit that have me squirming. We looked at legitimate reasons why I am justified in not feeling at all excited or happy to have her coming up here (I'm downright dreading it…she arrives tomorrow), but afterward I just feel awful for admitting that I don't want her here. On top of that, I just keep blaming myself for the session not being very productive, too, and maybe I'm thinking that it's because my reasons for dreading my mother's visit are so thin that I shouldn't even be talking about it. Ugh. I think I've become way too good at rationalizing why I should hate myself. This kind of thing always seems to pop up whenever my feelings get closer to the surface, but I think I may also see a parallel with new realizations that help explain certain things, which often involve reasons why I should ease up on the self-hatred. I'm not sure if that made sense. Hopefully it did.

BB -

Oh, I tend to cringe ALL the time. And it's always over silly things that I just wish I could take back. So I cringe and squeeze my eyes shut, trying to forget or not see whatever stupid thing I did and/or said. It never works, but I keep trying. I never can get myself out of these feelings… I just have to wait until I'm numb again. Let me just say that I have put way too many miles on my car these past few months! Sometimes (like now, since I have a very stubborn migraine and don't want to drive with it) I will take a sleeping med and go to sleep. Whenever I'm feeling like this, I can't fall asleep on my own because I just keep thinking about all of the reasons why I should hate myself. If I have to be in public and interact with people, that will shove the feelings away, too. I can seemingly flip a switch for when I'm around other people…if I'm in a depressive state, there's almost never a case where I can't snap out of it when necessary. A lot of times this helps keep it at bay, for better or worse. But instead of being the smiling, happy person I am around others, when I'm by myself, I'm just numb. Not happy, not unhappy, just...there. And I think I feel threatened by any feelings when I'm by myself because it seems like it reduces the chance that I can flip my switch like I normally do if I need to be around other people.

You guys are so awesome - thank you endlessly for the support. It means more than I can say!

quote:

Originally posted by kashley:
"...like I should be able to deal with two weeks..."

Boy does this resonate with me. It's the little voice...or rather, a giganitc, forced BELIEF, that states, "C'mon, you're an adult, aren't you? You can't miss a couple of sessions? C'mon, you've got your family and friends to support you. You'll be fine. After all, you're an adult...an adult...an adult..."

I think the other part of you that feels terrified about expressing your needs...yes, the SHAME...is the part we have to learn to listen to. Not the culture-based belief that we're all grown-ups and don't need anyone. In my opinion, that's just one of a zillion completely f'ed up societal standards we have in our incredibly emotionally-deformed culture in this country.

quote:

Originally posted by kashley:
"...A feeling that everything about me is wrong."

Ditto...except for me, it's not that everything about me is wrong, it's that everything about me is broken. Specifically my mind. This annoys the hell out of my T. He feels that my mind is working perfectly well, considering what it's coping with.

quote:

Originally posted by True North:
I wonder if some of this feeling of wrongness or not wanting to be with outselves comes from that most difficult of feelings to manage... shame.

+1,000,000,000,

We live in a shame-based culture...and I'm sure this extends beyond the US to all Western cultures. Women are shamed for everything, and men are shamed for being "weak." I can't ask for anything or feel anything because it's weak and needy and childish. Look at our soldiers coming home who need help but are reluctant to ask for it. Why? Because they get shamed by their "parents," a.k.a. the military. The military says it's there for its soldiers who are having psych problems, but the military culture puts the message across as, "if you need help with your weak-mided weakness problems, we encourage you to ask."

Russ

kashley

quote:

I have this very strong urge to get in my car and just drive, but it feels like some sort of attempt to run away. Does that make sense? I feel like I also get this way when I'm trying to run away from feeling anything...I don't know, it seems like it may be a little far fetched (for me...I feel so out of touch with my feelings for the most part), but I have this...inkling that somewhere way down there my feelings are trying to bubble up to the surface

Not much more to add really from what others have said before me but an enormous resounding YES, this hapens to me too. I do actually go, which is quite scary after the evnt, just want to run and run and run, away from everything, especially me and the fears that seem to hound me with the memories. Have too tried all manner of grounding, but little works as the urges are so strong - the best laid plans don't seem to work.

Oh and as for the shame, yep that's me too. Wonder sometimes if that's one of the reasons for running. Either way kashley it's not nice, I'm sorry you're experiencing this too. I hope you get on ok with your mum's visit, stay strong and let us know how you are (((kashley)))

starfish

quote:

"...if you need help with your weak-mided weakness problems, we encourage you to ask."

Yes, there is still a huge stigma when it comes to mental health, especially with the military. And even when they are getting help, it's still incredibly difficult to actually get the full benefits. I read an article about that interviewed a psychiatrist that worked at a military base helping soldiers with PTSD, and he said that they would have training drills, complete with bombs, grenades, guns, etc. just a few feet from where he held his sessions, and it would throw the soldiers into flashbacks nearly every time they stepped into his office. All of the requests he made to be moved to a quieter location were completely disregarded. They just simply didn't care.

Anyway, I completely agree that there is so much shame involved in getting help for mental health. And only when I start to take a step back and look at my fears can I really see just how much shame I feel. It's almost like I'm looking for reasons to be ashamed for something or another.

And Russ, I have to agree with your T. There is nothing wrong with your mind. It is clear that you deal with so much that it's just not possible for it to be broken. Besides, you also have way too many insightful posts.

Hi Starfish,

I was about to post but saw your response. Thank you for the support and for being yet another voice to let me know that you understand. The feeling isn't quite as strong today. I'm at least able to sit still, but I still want to just scrunch my eyes shut and forget I exist. At least until my next session where I can talk about it.

quote:

Oh and as for the shame, yep that's me too. Wonder sometimes if that's one of the reasons for running.

Yes, I know that shame is a big reason for me wanting to run. I want to run away from myself and who I am, but like TN said above, I'm always just there. Nevertheless, I've still used way too much gas in the past 24 hours..

quote:

Originally posted by kashley:
...they would have training drills, complete with bombs, grenades, guns, etc. just a few feet from where he held his sessions, and it would throw the soldiers into flashbacks nearly every time they stepped into his office. All of the requests he made to be moved to a quieter location were completely disregarded. They just simply didn't care.

Yes, our tax dollars at work.