Kashley,

I'm so glad to see a post from you. I was about to post asking about you!

Yes, I know what you describe well. In fact today it happened to me. It is so confusing and hard to deal with when you don't know the why or what behind the feeling. You mention staring at the door and that you do that a lot in T. What if you practiced (while in T) being able to get up and go to the door and even open it and go out as many times as feels right. It sounds like there is a need to know that you can get out if you need or want to.

When you feel these feelings you mention, do you feel like they belong to you or do they feel like they are coming from somewhere else? It could be a dissociated part or experience and that would explain why you don't have the rest of the picture. When it happens to me in T, we just focus on how it feels in my body and follow behind as it evolves. Often it will and we can get to the root of it without me really ever having to know what it was really about.

I'm sorry that things are so hard and that you are looking at a break from T while she is out of the country. Do you see her again before she leaves? You aren't making this up. You wouldn't be feeling these things if there wasn't a reason. (((hugs)))

Hi STRM,

You're a sweetheart. I actually kind of feel like I look at the door to make sure it's still closed. T locked it last week and pushed a table next to it when I told her why I think I look at it. She sat with me on the floor today and held me which helped keep the fear in check, but I still stared at the door the entire time. The feeling does feel completely separate from me. T asked today how old I thought the part was that was experiencing the fear, and I kind of guessed that it was pretty young, because I literally have no words to describe anything. And it's odd, because I still feel (fairly) present, but then there's this other part of me that feels completely exposed and scared. So I feel the fear, but I still feel so separate from it that it seems like I won't ever be able to figure it out. If that makes sense.

I don't see her again before she leaves. So it will be exactly two weeks from today that I see her again. A couple weeks ago we had a two week break because I was sick, and I was fine because I've felt really disconnected and numb for the past month or so. I guess it's a little frustrating to be having another two week break as soon as we are starting to make progress (or at least move into a place of feeling again), but we'll see.

(((Kashley)))

It sounds like you have a really good T who really understands this stuff. Putting something in front of the door is perfect if you are concerned about it staying closed. I'm glad that your T was able to hold you and help keep the fear manageable. I know these feelings you are talking about where it feels separate and young and wordless and yet you are still present. It is so so so unsettling and I'm sorry you are dealing with it. The key to alleviating the fear is to go to the source. In other words, work with the part experiencing it. There are many ways to do that and it sounds like your T probably has experience in that area.

Please reach out as much as you need while on this break from your T. It is so hard to have breaks close together for whatever reason and especially when things are rough.

Thanks, STRM. I'm really lucky to have my T. I just really never expected (ever, ever) to deal with this sort of thing in therapy. Heck, when I started about a year and a half ago, I just expected to be told that I was just too sensitive and then sent on my merry way. When I mentioned again today that I never expected any of this, my T said that she didn't either. It's just thrown me way off base. I'm trying to have faith that eventually I'll be able to understand (or at least come to terms with) why this is all coming up, but it's definitely hard.

I've been swinging back and forth between wanting to reach out and feeling like I need to completely hide. I'm sorry if I completely disappear again. I think part of what's kept me so, so numb recently is the fact that I've taken a huge step back and crawled into a hole, so maybe I need to try and peek out a little bit.

It's so good to see you Kashley, but I am sorry that you are having to deal with so much fear coming up out of nowhere in your therapy. That must be scary and painful in dealing with. I just want to send all my support and hugs, and encourage you to keep talking here if it helps you to do so. I relate to the need to periodically disappear, and that is perfectly ok to do, too.

Big hugs,

BB

Thanks STRM, BG, and BB..

Lol, BG. I'm not a huge fan of them either, although I do like (which isn't quite the right word) that it gives me a sense of something changing or that something is at least different than before.

It's good to see you, too, Beebs.

I can't figure out if it's my fear of feeling fear or if it's this actual, dissociated fear that is coming up, but I'm having trouble getting past it. My T and I talked about trying to negotiate with my scared part so that she only comes out during session and not randomly during the day, but it hasn't worked completely so far. I feel like a drama queen saying it, but I feel so different, scarred almost, because of what's coming up. I feel like I'm a different person entirely. It makes me want to step back from everything, not just the forum, but from friends, classes, work, all of it.

Thanks for the support.

quote:

My T and I talked about trying to negotiate with my scared part so that she only comes out during session and not randomly during the day, but it hasn't worked completely so far. I feel like a drama queen saying it, but I feel so different, scarred almost, because of what's coming up. I feel like I'm a different person entirely.

Kashley - this sounds like exactly what I've been experiencing since starting therapy, except for me with me it happens with both anger (I call this state the Abuser state) and fear caused by loneliness/hopelessness (I call this state Victim). Victim is like a little kid in a nightmare and is always calling out to T and a few others who seem to care for help. A gets pissed off about how pathetic and needy V is for that behavior and I have punishing behaviors and sharp thoughts toward that aspect of myself that don't feel like they come from "me," like "You're effing ridiculous! You're such a piece of $#!+." Also, various threats and taunting to just get it over with. I remember all the thoughts and actions that take place, but they don't feel like it was me doing them. Like being in a dream where you are someone else with different thoughts, feelings and values...or like I am residing in the crown of my head observing it all. Anyway, I feel kind of ridiculous for coming up with labels for these "states" and acting like they are separate, but that's how they feel. I don't know if they should be called ego states or partially dissociated aspects of my identity or what. Does any of this resonate? I'm just curious, because your description is the closest anyone else has come to saying they experience the same thing.

Kashley... just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and glad to see you posting. Sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I do think it would be a good idea to have a back up T.

I know you want to withdraw because it takes so much energy to stay connected to people but please try. It would be better for you to reach out. I understand the need to come and go and that's fine. We are here when you need to reach out.

TN

quote:

I can't figure out if it's my fear of feeling fear or if it's this actual, dissociated fear that is coming up, but I'm having trouble getting past it.

Hi Kashley,
I am so sorry that you are struggling so much right now, but am very glad that you reached out here for support. What you are describing sounds very similar to my experiences.

The reason I grabbed the quote above is that I think the answer may be both. You may be remembering being scared and remembering being scared of being scared. (BTW, before I forget, I KNOW how disconcerting it is to have these feelings and have them not be connected to anything. If there was significant disassociation than you may not remember things other than emotions because you literally blocked your sensory data such as sight and sound. The disconnection isn't because you're making it up, it may be about what state you were in whenever this memory was formed.)

My T and I were discussing once my working with him and I told him that I don't think I would have ever worked with a male T if I hadn't first gotten to know and trust him in couples' therapy. He asked me what it was about him that led me to start trusting him. I actually went away and thought about between appointments and realized that it was the fact that he didn't get angry when I got scared. And then I remembered something that was a conscious memory but I hadn't thought about in a long time. My family had a sailboat when I was a child that was big enough to need a motor to get up and down the creek where it was moored to sail on the river. Once coming in at night, the motor broke down. Now, we were perfectly safe. The creek was not that deep, nor was the bank that far. But I was seven or eight and got scared we would spend the night on the creek, stranded and got scared. An attuned, caring parent would have stopped and reassured me that we were safe and he had things under control, but my dad was neither and on top of it was really frustrated with the motor. So instead he kept working on the motor but yelled at me for being scared. And I connected. Dad would get angry at me for being scared. And Dad angry was scary. So I would desperately try not to be scared so that I wouldn't get in trouble. So I was scared of being scared.

I hope you find some relief soon. Just know that there's hope even if you can't feel it right now.

((((Kashley)))) Please come here as often as you can manage and let us help you. No one should have to face this alone.

AG

Thanks to you all..

Yaku (nice to meet you, by the way),

I sort of resonate with what you are saying. I guess the only difference is that your abuser state is pretty much my permanent state and the one I'm most familiar with. It's the one that fuels my perfectionism, especially with classes (which is torturing me at the moment), and that keeps me from needing too much or asking for too much or feeling like I deserve anything. And yes, similarly to you, that part of me also comes down hard on the more vulnerable, needy part. My punishing part also has little mercy for any other part of me that displays need in any way, including the part that is suicidal and self-harms.

Just my opinion, but it does sound a lot like a dissociative thing for you. I've kind of experienced that, especially with the suicidal part, but mostly it feels like each part becomes me for a short while until I return to my "status quo". And it's not ridiculous at all for you to name them. My T is always asking me if we can name parts. I just never do.

TN,

Thanks for encouraging me to reach out. I forgot to mention in my last post that I do have a back-up T if I need her, but it would take something huge happening for me to contact her. My T had me get her number and meet her for a minute (literally) a few months ago when she went away again, and the T was very nice but I just don't know her at all. T told me a few more things about her in my last session, I guess to try to make it a little easier for me to contact her if I need to. Even though I don't think that will happen, I suppose it is a little reassuring to have that lifeline.

AG,

quote:

If there was significant disassociation than you may not remember things other than emotions because you literally blocked your sensory data such as sight and sound. The disconnection isn't because you're making it up, it may be about what state you were in whenever this memory was formed.

Thank you for this. So, so much. The more times that I go in there and suddenly feel this overwhelming fear with nothing else with it, the more I think that maybe I'm making it up or making myself feel it. It helps to hear that, because the more times my T asks me if any images or memories accompany the feeling and I say no, the more I believe that I must have a really creative and convincing imagination.

Oddly enough, after reading your story about the sailboat, I realized that I have a similar memory. Both of my parents were in a small boat with me and we hit a very shallow part of a lake that started to scrape the bottom of the boat, and I was worried that it would cause a hole in it and we would sink. In reality, we weren't very far from the shore either, and it would have been really easy to get there if we needed to. But I was scared, and both of my parents were angry and frustrated with me and thought I was being ridiculous and just wanted me to stay still and quiet while they figured out what to do. The reasons why you felt scared of being scared make sense. I don't quite know if or when that happened for me, but maybe time will tell. Thank you for sharing that story with me.

Thank you all for the support. I'm going to try and reach out here, because I have to admit that I'm kind of scared to face this break alone. Granted, our spring break is next week (which I think might be part of the reason my T is going away now, since I think she has a lot of students as clients), but I'm feeling a little weak and manipulated by a friend of mine who ended up making me kind of responsible for her seeing her parents over the break. What started out as a "hey, let's take a trip together" kind of thing turned into a "If you don't drive me (since she doesn't have a car) 8 hours to my family, then I won't see them for months" kind of thing. So I gave in. I'm just a little overwhelmed, because I feel such a need to be by myself and be quiet and kind of hide. Hopefully I won't have any of this fear pop up, but it still has been, and it's at those times that I just need to be quiet and still and let it pass.

Sorry for the long post. I'm not used to saying so much lately.

Nice to meet you, too!

quote:

The more times that I go in there and suddenly feel this overwhelming fear with nothing else with it, the more I think that maybe I'm making it up or making myself feel it. It helps to hear that, because the more times my T asks me if any images or memories accompany the feeling and I say no, the more I believe that I must have a really creative and convincing imagination.

I really relate to this; I am always convinced that it is all in my head. I told my T a couple months ago that I was going back and forth between believing the dissociation stuff is so real to thinking I'm ridiculous for even thinking there are different parts of me. He put to me as that everyone has different parts, but some people just get more divided for themselves than others. That made me feel a bit less ridiculous. I can also relate to the perfectionism. I think my perfectionism is just another coping mechanism. If I abuse myself into performing, I can avoid being judged as deficient or rejected or berated or threatened/made unsafe by others. In all honesty, I do not have a close relationship with very many people who would even do this to me anymore, but I can't seem to stop the performance. I don't know if that's how it is for you.

quote:

If I abuse myself into performing, I can avoid being judged as deficient or rejected or berated or threatened/made unsafe by others.

I think I live by this. And it scares me so much when I fail or when I get into a new situation where it's possible that I could be judged like that. Sorry you so closely relate to all of this, Yaku.

Relating to this right now, in fact. Playing drums at band practice for church tonight and one of the songs is way out of my league. I probably won't have to play Sunday, because the other sub really wants to play (but he just can't make Thursday night practices). No matter how many times they tell me I'm doing a great job (especially considering my lack of experience), I keep hearing, "Well, at least she can keep tempo to help us practice." I am listening to the songs over and over right now to try to get it as good as possible. And I will still hate my performance and think I suck.

***Trigger - talk of SI***

I'm sorry, Yaku. I think it's very brave of you to keep working at it. The drums aren't an easy instrument to play, and it sounds like you are still really doing a great job if you don't have much experience. I hope you'll post about what happens on Sunday.

I feel like I'm completely weak for not just sucking it up and trying to call my T or call the back-up T, but I feel closer and closer to breaking the no SI contract I have with my T. I'm hoping that maybe just writing it in words here will help, because the moment I try to actually speak about it, those feelings aren't real anymore and are just something I made up. It's really hard to reach out and post this right now, though. But I feel like I'm getting weaker in my resolve. It's been a while since I've felt the urge to SI. And I think I'm having trouble sitting with myself now, but I know that I'll hate myself even more if I SI. But it's not making the urges go away.

Ugh. Really not liking myself right now. Ignore my antics. I'm sorry.

Kashley,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with SI urges. I understand how rough those can be. Sometimes I can get through them by bargaining with myself for time. I will tell myself that I only have to wait one hour or 30 minutes or whatever interval feels right. Then if I get through that I do it again and again until the urge is gone or I get to T and can unload on her. I've also tried holding an ice cube, drawing a picture of the SI that I would like to do, walking/running on the treadmill etc.

You are dealing with so much right now. Please try to be gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))

((((kashley))))
so glad you are posting, this is tough and so hard to do to feel this and endure like you are. You have made it so far, and no matter what, you should be proud of yourself for every minute you delay SIing. Sometimes, I can't believe I will be able to keep myself from doing it, but I sometimes can believe I can delay it and I end up delaying it long enough that the urge will go away. Eventually, it will go away... keep hanging in there. Even if you have to take it minute by minute. If you can, try doing something kind for you, or anything distracting... Sometimes sour candy helps me. It's a strong sensation that doesn't harm me and can sometimes help me get through the SI urges.

most of all, so sorry you are hurting.

safe hugs,
jane

((((Kashley)))) Thanks for sharing your struggle. I wish I had advice to give, but I haven't managed to figure out how to regulate that stuff for myself yet. Hang in there!

(((((((((Kashley)))))))

Well, the urges are gone for now...thank you for all the support and help. I basically just went from minute to minute, second to second, and slowly enough time passed that the urges didn't feel quite as strong. The intervals were a great idea. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of feeling like that again, but I'm hoping that maybe I can stay distracted enough that it won't be too much of an issue. I think I've been having problems with some dissociation the past few days. And even though it kicks in when you're feeling overwhelmed, I feel even more overwhelmed when I keep losing track of my surroundings.

I was thinking today that I kind of regret not giving my T the ok on telling the backup T more about me. My T said she doesn't know much at all and offered to share more, but I thought I wouldn't like that. But when I was thinking that maybe I should try and call the backup T last night, I felt like I was going to have to explain what was going on then and elaborate on the whole situation more than I would want to or need to if she knew more about me. Maybe that's not true, but I don't know. And even when I think that maybe it would help to have another presence on the line with me, it's not my T. Or am I just coming up with more reasons why I "can't" call the backup T? I don't feel the need to right now, but with the way this break is going, I can't really pretend like I know it's not be an issue again.

Glad you made it through the first wave and hope the urges continue to fade. -Yaku

Hm, I wonder about the backup T idea- is it possible to think about it in terms of being easier than calling a crisis line when the urges are getting strong? that's just a thought, use it if it helps.

I wan't to congratulate you on getting through at least that last spell- atta girl! One second, one minute at a time- that's the way to go.

Let us know how it's going today, if you can find the space in your head to let yourself do that.

hugs, and more hugs,

BB

Kashley,

You are doing an amazing job of getting through this time. I'm glad that you were able to use the intervals of time to get through the urges. I think that if you called back up T and only said something as simple as you are having SI urges and you just need to connect with someone that she would understand that. I hope you are doing okay today. (((hugs)))

That’s amazing kashley!!! yay!!! I'm glad the urges stopped, at least for now, and good job riding through them, even moment by moment. It had to be so hard and you really deserve all the kudos in the world!

I can really relate to not wanting to call the back up T. My T has a back up T when she is gone for a week or more. I really have a hard time calling my regular T, let a lone a back up one, when I am in a tough spot. I did call the back up T once though. It was hard, awkward, but helpful. There was something about talking to someone I had never seen, and would likely never see, that helped me be frank and say more than I might have to my regular T. I never called her back on another break, but that backup T did really help and we figured out something new that my regular T and I use once in awhile since then.

The next time I was in a similar kind of spot and really struggling, and my T was unreachable, I called a crisis line. To be honest, I called twice. Two different lines. The first one wasn’t helpful. It lasted about 2 minutes seconds of them asking if I was “in the middle of the act of suicide” if I was unable to stop, go to the ER, and if not, “then do whatever has helped you in the past.” I told them I couldn’t think of what would help now and asked them for ideas. They said they didn’t know me and put me on hold. I hung up. Ugh. I got mad, and called another line (I dunno why) but it ended up being really helpful. They helped me figure out some things to do and talked me through what I was feeling. It didn’t really make anything go away, but it helped turn down the intensity and helped me get through a really awful night much better than I would have otherwise. Somehow, even though it wasn’t my regular T, it was someone who was present in some way with me in the midst of deep pain…

One helpful thing is that they don’t generally need a ton of details or history. In both cases I was have to say I wasn’t suicidal, but in a really tough place and not sure how to cope better than I was. I didn’t get into the SI urges with either of them, but did share I urges to cope in “not healthy ways” and told them I couldn’t say more. I was able to tell them I was really emotionally hurting and my regular T was gone. I told them I have PTSD and struggle on and off with an ED and that was enough for them to be really helpful. I may have been able to say less. When I called the back up T, I was really triggered and “struggling to cope in a healthy way,” and told her it would be “too upsetting” to try and explain why, I “just needed help getting through a lot of emotional pain” I was feeling. And she was able to help. Some might need more specifics than that, but if all you can say is that “something” is up and you need help and support to cope in a better way, then hopefully that might be enough. And if they ask for more than you can say to them, it’s ok, just tell them. They can help with that too.

All that is to say, I totally understand not wanting to call the back up T. If you end up in another bad spot during this break, keep it in mind. I think you are doing the right thing by thinking through why you don’t want to call them – and I wish I had good advice for how to get through it. It is hard and scary and means being a little vulnerable. One kind of good thing is that a good back up T or crisis line doesn’t need us to tell them history and stuff, and they usually understand a few minutes of validation and presence can really help a lot. They are not likely to pry for lots of details of stuff, but really be concerned how you are doing in the present moment and how to ride through things until your T gets back. Your T does have a back up T for a reason, and I am sure other clients call the back up T too.
It’s also ok to not call, just want you to know there is support here and with them too. I hope today is going better for you.

Darn it for ill timed T vacations. (I wish they could take us with them or something. Or life could just pause sometimes so I could breathe and catch up and get through it all…)
You are doing a really good job getting through hard stuff. Even if it gets worse or the SI urges come back – keep doing what you are doing. And if you slip up, please don’t beat yourself up. Just keep doing the work you are and it will for sure get better.

quote:

I can't figure out if it's my fear of feeling fear or if it's this actual, dissociated fear that is coming up, but I'm having trouble getting past it. My T and I talked about trying to negotiate with my scared part so that she only comes out during session and not randomly during the day, but it hasn't worked completely so far. I feel like a drama queen saying it, but I feel so different, scarred almost, because of what's coming up. I feel like I'm a different person entirely. It makes me want to step back from everything, not just the forum, but from friends, classes, work, all of it.

You are not a drama queen at all. Try not to isolate if you can. I do the same thing whenever I get scared of what is going on for me, or scared in general… and usually, not isolating helps me, and sometimes helps others too. I’m glad you are posting here – it’s a good way to reach out and connect and not totally isolate yourself. For me, my dissociation gets worse whenever I isolate myself, and yet it makes me want to isolate all the more. It will take some time to manage and sort through all you are going through. I’ve been surprised by how much my friends, and people who really matter, have stuck by me and helped through tough days. Even when they haven’t know what is going on. I sometimes have had to tell people things like “I’m spacey today, just dealing with tough stuff, just wanted to let you know what’s up in case you notice.” Two days ago I went to a very triggering meeting (for a project for work) when I was already having a very jumpy and triggered day and I would very randomly get spooked about nothing that seemed to fit. So when I went to the meeting, I told them right at the beginning that something else in my life had me feeling “jittery,” and if I still seemed a little nervous with them, please just bear with me. They did and were not reactive. It helped me get through the tough day to do what I could to get what I could done.

I also had to let some things go and come home and crash early. (which is really hard for me to let my very type A driven self do.) But I was so spent I couldn’t quite handle friends or school or anything that night, but made plans for later on. It’s still hard but it gets easier.

You deserve lots of care, kindness, and all the support you need. You are doing really hard work and managing really tough stuff.

Thanks for posting and sharing with us and letting us care about you. I hope the days ahead are better – and either way, please know you are so not alone in any of this.

hugs,
~jane


p.s. pls don't feel like you need to respond to my rambly post. just some thoughts. do take good care of you and update us on how you are doing if you can and if it helps.

***SI Triggers***

Thanks for all of the support, everyone. Sorry I haven't responded until now. I've had some mysterious problems with the wireless at my apartment.

I don't have much time right now, but I just wanted to say that I really appreciate everything. It's been hard so far. I feel like the small triggers have become bigger for the time being, and it's thrown me for a loop several times. I haven't self-injured (I've used intervals, ice (which does help a lot), distraction, everything), but I have come so close nearly every time I've gotten the urge to SI. Sometimes I want to SI to keep myself from doing something even more destructive.

I don't know how much I'll be able to update/post over the next week, because I'm leaving on a trip tomorrow morning. I briefly mentioned it in another post, but a friend of mine pretty much manipulated me into doing this, and it's one of the triggers I'm struggling with lately. It seems stupid, because I could have just said no and have been done with it, but I'd still feel responsible for her not seeing her family. Anyway, it's cost me a small fortune to get my car ready for this drive. I'm really trying to keep a positive attitude about this, but I'm already so drained.

Anyway, I feel like I'm just complaining, so I'll go ahead and stop. Again, thank you for being here for me, especially considering I've been completely useless for you all.

(((((kashley))))))

Glad you've been able to avoid SI. I know it's stifling to be stuck in those urges. I'm sorry you felt manipulated into doing this trip and are so drained before it even begins. It doesn't seem like you're just complaining. Sending you good thoughts and prayers!

Kashley there will be a time when you are in a better place and then you can help the rest of us. For now you need to take care of you. I'm glad that some of the coping skills are working for you and that you have avoided SI. Just take one day at a time and one minute at a time. Perhaps the trip will be a good distraction for you and you will have company with you. I hope you can find some enjoyment in it. I think instead of being angry at yourself for agreeing you should praise yourself for helping someone out and doing such a kind and generous thing.

I hope you have a happy and safe trip. Please check in with us when you can... and call your T if you need her... she would want you to.

Hugs
TN

((((kashley))))
you are doing amazing, especially in the midst of everything on your plate. I hope and pray the trip ends up being a good break from things and that your car works well and smoothly too. ~ jane

Kashley- I am so glad to hear that you have managed to win the battle against SI one more time! You are an inspiration. Now if somehow it fails at time, (and I'm not saying it will) but you know you *can* and that is powerful knowledge to have.kwim?

Please don't beat yourself up for helping your friend...as TN said, it was a very kind and generous thing to do, even if you felt manipulated. As you grow stronger in your long and difficult journey, it will become gradually easier to say no when you need to, but for now, just do what you need to do- and enjoy, if you can allow it, that you are such a kind person who would want to be able to help your friend like this.

hugs, Kashley, and please, I know where you'll go with this, and trust me I am able to post to you right without it being hard on me or too complicated, and that is why I'm doing it. If we couldn't, we really wouldn't. A couple of days ago I couldn't. Today I can. There is no shame in not being able to post, and you are no useless, but a sweetheart.

BB

Thank you all for the incredible support. I just got back, so I will post an update soon. Much love to you all.

Hope you are doing ok, sweetie...just checking in to say I care.

Kashley,

I too hope you are doing okay. I'm really happy to read you were able to get through the rough time and use your coping skills. That is great!

Hi BB and STRM,

I was actually just staring at this thread, deciding what to say since I haven't updated at all. Your posts gave me that last little push.

The trip was interesting to say the least. Over 5 days I ended up driving a total of 26 hours and it was exhausting. I just found out today that this congestion I've been dealing with for nearly 2 weeks is because of a sinus infection from the remnants of the flu that I had about a month ago, which definitely bogged me down on the trip, too. And, on the way home, I asked my friend if it was nice to see her family and she said yeah, but that it wouldn't have been a big deal if she didn't see them because she just saw them a couple weeks ago and will see them again over Easter. Needless to say, I didn't say anything. I think I was too tired to care at that point. It's just frustrating because she made it sound like she wouldn't see them for a long time if I didn't take her. Oh well. I still could have said no, so I really have nothing to complain about.

I had a session on Monday, but we ended 15 minutes early because I was just too tired. I feel ridden with self-hate lately and it was really prevalent during the session, but I didn't want to tell my T about it. After yet another break, I feel disconnected from her again, but I almost don't even care. I have been thinking a lot about it, trying to figure out what to do, and I think I want to stay disconnected because I keep waiting for my T to be fed up with me not changing, that I keep saying the same things over and over again, or countless other things. And those thoughts keep giving me reasons to hate myself even more and want to punish myself. Which then leads to SI urges or worse. And I wasn't able to stave of the urges the other night. Or, I didn't want to. I don't know which one. I feel so stupid though, because I keep giving myself more and more reasons to hate myself, and I don't understand why I'm doing it.

The disconnection has me in this place where I'm numb and wordless...like the part of me that "functions" in my day to day life has shut up the rest of me so that I can't have needs. At least that's what it seems like. And that's a huge reason why I haven't updated here at all. I guess I'm trying to deny that needy part of me. Oh, goodness...the self hate is so strong right now.

Regardless, thank you for still being here for me and listening, even when I don't feel like I deserve any of it.

You deserve all of it. You aren't asking for too much.
You are worthwhile.
You are allowed to have needs- everyone does.

Hard to get rid of the self-hate Kashley- it's an uphill battle. But you have climbed onto the "up" escalator even if at times you will naturally walk backwards on it for yet awhile...because you *are* reaching out even when you don't feel like it...I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of you for doing that. Not proud, as someone who has it figured out, but proud, as a fellow human being and a sister in the fight! Somebody who doesn't deal with this stuff would **not** understand what a huge and enormous battle you just fought and won just by posting here. It's a very huge deal.

Don't worry about your friend. Likely she doesn't understand these things. You have done what you did- and it was a very kind act. Objectively very kind, Kashley- the goodness in you can't be invalidated, because it just is- even if you aren't able to see it or know it, and you suffer so much. One day you will be able to say no when you need to do, and yes when you can, and that will be great, but for now you are just where you are and that is ok- truly.

And remember- you are a sweetheart.

Love,

BB

((((((((Kashley))))))))))

I'm sorry your struggling right now. It hurts to always be hating yourself. And then you can even start hating yourself for your self-loathing. It can feel like an impossible spiral. You aren't alone. I hope you can be kind to yourself today. I know it can be hard to care for yourself when you are hurting in this way. My thoughts are with you.

Thanks BB and Yaku. I can't tell you how much your kindness means. It seems like I've always got some problem, some drama, and yet you are still so kind to me. It's hard to understand why. But thank you.

I don't really think I should say much more right now. Maybe that's just me hating myself for speaking at all in the first place. I don't know.

Thanks again..

Even if you can't say exactly what you're feeling, I'm glad you checked in. Please don't insulate yourself from kindness by believing it is something that you need to earn in order to receive. By nature of being, you were designed to receive love and care from others (as you were designed to share your own love as well). That you did not receive it at some point was not a judgment on you, but on those who were unable to give it in a way that would teach you to be open to it. I am learning kindness and care are all around, but the armor I once needed to keep out abuse and rejection keeps deflecting it away from me...in fact, living so long in darkness has made me blind to that light!

Hey, Kashley- no you don't have any "problem" or "drama"- you have problems, and drama. Your suffering is real. That's a part of why we care. You aren't just pretending- you are hurting. I know that is hard for you to really believe or really feel. You have a high wall around your pain, and for a very good reason! Breaking down the wall around your pain, which is the work you are doing- will likely leave you with the reality of your suffering- and the lonliness and pain of that place is very deep. However- there is the light of becoming who we are meant to be on the other side of that pain- not, that we will no longer experience the pain, but that we will be able to cope with it in ways that are not self-destructive. Learning to love ourselves is a very painful work for those of us who were not taught how. It is the most important work you will ever conceive. I honor you for being engaged in that work.

You both need, and deserve kindness Kashley. Not because you earned it, somehow- which we can never really do, anyway- but because you are. The very act of existing so uniquely, makes you worthy of love. I know it's hard to believe or understand! I know that you feel care for me, when I am hurting- I know you doubt that care, or think it "isn't good enough." But the care that you feel, is real. you want the good, for yourself, and for others. It's ok to not be able to speak. And it's ok if none of this feels real. It's hard for you to see your goodness, because it just *is.* It's not easy to accept. But you *just are* good. And- you are likable too-

I'm gonna go- hope today is an ok day. When do you see T next?

BB

Hi everyone,

Sorry again for being so absent lately. I'm going to try and not close up so much, as I know that forcing myself to stay quiet is punishment for speaking up. And the only way I can try and move past that is to not fall into the same pattern. Easier said than done, though!

My first session after a 2 week break was last week, and it felt completely unproductive. I've felt very stuck for a while now...maybe 2 months or so. I've never really mentioned anything about it, mostly because I haven't known what in the heck to do about it. Especially when the only thing I was getting from being stuck was that I just need to stay quiet and retreat to the background of my life.

T acknowledged today that we should try and go in a different direction, though we would have to do it very carefully as it will be risky. She suggested that we start small, and she started with naming physical characteristics of a pillow or a table, and she would say something that was different, but still essentially the same thing. As an example, she asked me what I would call what I was sitting on, and I called it a couch, and she called it a sofa. But she pointed out that it's still the same thing, and we are both right. But after two or three more times naming things like that, I think I started to dissociate and I started to get really tired. We talked about how difficult it is for me to have an opinion, and how scary it is to me even on the smallest level. Of course, I feel completely ridiculous for feeling scared to have an opinion about the color of a pillow.

Then that small fear started to grow, and I just retreated into myself. I've never had an image come with the fear before, but today I had this image that popped in my head and didn't seem to go away, along with a physical feeling that accompanied the image. It really wasn't very informative, but it also scared me a little more. I guess...the possibility that the fear stems from something real seems more plausible when something like this happens. And that scares me. But I also don't believe it. I believe that I made the image up. And then again, I keep trying to figure out if I am trying to make it up, and the reason I told my T about it in the first place was because I want to try and be as open as possible and let her know what is going on. And that is what was going through my head.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm so glad you all are here, because I'm honestly scared about what's going to happen next.

Kashley,

Thanks for the update. I think what your T is doing sounds really great. I think you are in really good hands and if you can go slow and allow the process to unfold I think it will really help you. I'm sorry things are so hard and hope that eases up for you soon!