Hi Kashley- thanks from me too for the update. I worry about the breaks between your sessions. I wish there was some way that you could do without these breaks in your therapy all the time. I know that it might not be something that is easily fixed, and it would be hard to talk about, but gosh, I think it would help if you could find a way. It's so hard to go in and out of that place. By the time you just start to trust T isn't going to abandon you in the middle of it- so you can begin to let some stuff out- then there is another break, and away it goes. Then it takes a session or two to get back to where you were before...then another break- arg. It is just so aggravating.

I think it's so so good that you told T about the image. That is the therapy- telling her about the stuff that comes up in you without judging it immediately as "wrong" and therefore "unsayable." Hard, I know. Not an easy block to overcome- just keep chipping away at it. Just keep trying, to say what comes to mind, with a "what have I got to lose" attitude..(I mean that has worked for me- to seriously contemplate what I have to lose by saying whatever comes to mind, and what I have to lose by staying silent) and you can work out the kinks or things that need clarifying later on. It will get easier and easier, and in doing this you will get a better and better sense of what is real and what isn't, and come to a deeper knowledge of what the truth is. I don't know if that makes sense for you or not. I'm so glad that you are trying to speak, and trying to reach out and say what is on your mind without judging yourself so harshly. I know how hard this is for you. Keep on plugging. I know it feels useless and pointless and like a big lie. But- keep on plugging. Just keep talking. No matter how much that critic wants to shut you up and shut you down- keep talking. It will be ok. It really will be ok to have an opinion and a voice.

hugs, hugs, and hugs,

BB

Thanks STRM and BB. Still feeling kind of bowled over by yesterday's session, and it's causing all sorts of physical reactions today. Yeah, Beebs...I was thinking of the whole 'what do I have to lose' thing, and that's ultimately what caused me to mention it. What's odd about this whole thing is that in the journey to learn to trust my own judgements and perceptions, I feel like I'm actually taking several steps backward. Because the things that are coming up in the process seem so unbelievable to me that I can only believe that I intentionally placed them there. Of course, my T believes that all of my defenses are there for a very legitimate reason, but it's hard.

I got a little thrown by my T's reactions to some of what I said yesterday. Not really her verbal reactions, but her nonverbal reactions. I wasn't looking right at her, but there was one point where I said something about the image (and she was asking questions) and then she dropped her head and kept it there for a minute or two. I have no idea what that was about, but it seemed odd to me since I've never seen her do that before.

Anyway, thanks again. I suddenly feel more okay to talk - maybe because I finally have a sense that I'm not going to be stuck anymore for the time being. I feel very guilty for being stuck for that long and feel like it's my fault, though...I actually feel quite stupid for it.

I hope to post more on the forum, but I have a lot of catching up to do!

Kashley,

It isn't your fault that you couldn't talk. You may have been experiencing other "parts" that may not feel it is safe, you could have experienced speechless terror where you actually physically can't talk etc. It isn't a conscious choice is my point.

My take on your T's non-verbal reaction to you telling her about the image is that she was upset on your behalf. She was probably feeling sad for you and what you went through. My T has reacted like that before and it can be a bit unsettling at first to have someone care enough to be upset for you.

I'm glad that you are starting to feel more able to talk. That is great! I think you are in really good hands and hope things continue to progress in your therapy. It's good to see you here!

Thanks STRM. I guess I feel like I should be more aware of the other parts of me, especially when it may be other parts that are what's keeping me silent, making me feel scared, etc. It still (for the most part) feels like it's me that's doing all of those things, and that's what makes it even harder to accept that I'm *actually* feeling fear or I'm *actually* seeing what I think I'm seeing.

Yes, it is very, very unsettling to think that that was what my T's reaction meant. For some reason, it almost feels scary - as if it's dangerous for someone to care that much. I'm scared for next Monday, not only because of what I will experience, but also because of how my T may or may not react. I guess I never realized how much I shy away from someone's care.

I'm still having a hard time getting the session out of my head, and it feels a bit ridiculous at this point. I'm so overwhelmed by what's coming out in session, especially because I never expected any of this in a million years. I don't know...and I'm have more SI urges and even more suicidal thoughts - and that makes me feel like I really horrible person. Probably because I'm too scared to tell my T. But I think I'm too scared to tell her now, because I'm starting to learn and maybe even accept that she cares about me, and it seems like I am abusing that care by telling her that I want to hurt myself.

Sorry to ramble on. I guess I'm not used to talking so much lately. Anyway, thanks for listening.

I think I'm going crazy tonight. I keep trying everything I can think of (healthy coping) to get out of my head without resorting to the way less healthy ways of coping. And I can't do it. I want to just completely breakdown and lose it. That seems like it would be easier than trying to keep it together. I mean, I haven't done anything bad yet, but I want to. I don't know why, but I was triggered by something earlier and that fear response came up and all I could do was curl in a ball with a blanket. I'm just not used to that happening. I don't want to be alone, but I feel so alone. It's way too late for me to call T, and I'm sure I will be fine by tomorrow (although it is after midnight and I've been completely useless in studying for an exam tomorrow) so I don't want to make a big deal out of it. Which is probably exactly what I'm doing now. Anyway. Thanks for reading. It helps a little to write this, because then I don't feel quite so alone.

Kashley I don't know what to say to help you except to tell you that you are absolutely NOT alone. There is a huge group of people here who really care about you and want you to feel good and happy. And I think you are being very brave. I'm sorry you feel so alone and wish I could come and sit with you... and maybe study together as right now I'm trying to understand this damn Statistics HW.

Sending you safe cyber hugs
TN

Thanks TN. I'd certainly offer up any help on the stats hw but unless you are using the program R, I probably won't be of too much help. My professor was very odd. . It makes a lot more sense once you get to apply some of it to psychology, which is what I'm doing in my research methods class right now. . And that's the exam I have to study for...

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. I just need to try and breathe through this.

Kashley, you're definitely not alone! We're all here for you. I know that feeling of wanting to break down and just release that weight you are carrying around. It can be so heavy...but you can set it down without having to break down. It's OK to not carry it all on your own, to take a moment to rest. ((((Kashley))))

Thanks Yaku. It seems odd to me, because I normally am fine once I have to be out and about in public, but I'm still having a really hard time today. I felt overcome by fear on the way to campus this morning and even walking through the cold to my class didn't snap me out of it. It's mostly gone now after a couple hours, but I feel like I'm barely holding it together - like I could break down and cry right here, and it's definitely not the time nor place. Besides, that's something that I just never do.

I don't know what to do. I have a serious phobia (at least it seems like a phobia) of calling my T, but if this doesn't ease up by the end of the day, I might call her. I don't quite know how I'll handle this once I'm alone again. Unfortunately, it's going to be nearly 12 hours from now before I'll have enough time (and the privacy) to call.

Kashley,

I'm sorry this feeling is still lingering and fear is prowling. It's so hard when you have to face the world outside when the world inside is in turmoil and there is nothing you can do to set it right. I do think a call to T would be warranted, especially if you are still struggling when you finally have the privacy that would make you feel more comfortable calling. I hope you feel better by then and feel comfortable letting T know how you have been feeling. Thinking of you. (((((Kashley))))

You're such a sweetheart, Yaku. I do, thankfully, feel a bit better right now, though I didn't have the courage to call my T. Not surprising to me, but I nonetheless feel completely weak for not calling her and talking about what it's been like the past few days. I'm so scared of being triggered again...today was just awful, if I'm being completely honest (and I think I am). I'm so exhausted. I just hope that tomorrow isn't as hard.

How is today going? Thinking about you! Don't worry about being weak. It is just human. Eventually, you will be ready to talk with T about how you've been feeling.

Thanks Yaku, I'm okay. It's just been a really exhausting week.

Many healing thoughts being sent your way Kashley. I'm sorry it has been so rough. (((hugs)))

I hope you are feeling a bit better and getting some rest, sweet Kashley...

Thank you both. I'm trying to keep myself distracted, because it seems like even a short period of time back in my head just keeps me in a spiral. Of course, I should be distracting myself with the tons of work I need to do this weekend, but I can't get my brain to function that well right now and I'm trying not to hate myself for that.

Keep posting if you can- that's a positive thing, for right now! Tell us how your day is going?

My day isn't going, pretty much. I've barely done a thing, and I have so much to do. I just can't seem to get going...I almost feel stuck? In my body and my mind. I've started doing a little bit of school work (inputting data for a psych experiment that a partner and I are running..it's actually kind of fun), but that's slow going, too. I think I'm going to clean now..

I have been watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail off and on today (DF got me on a Monty Python kick), so that helps, too.

hah! love Monty Python.. "I doon't want to gooo on the cart..."

Happy to hear you are finding ways to cope Kashley. Thinking of you.

I had an entire post written out and lost it… Anyway, I thought I'd post an update with some stuff about my session today.

We spent the first 15 minutes or so just chit chatting about a few things. I wasn't really in a hurry to get into anything deep. Anyway, eventually I mentioned that last week I was nervous for a test and it spiraled into feeling a whole bunch of fear and anxiety that lasted for a few days and made everything really hard. She kind of paraphrased it as the nervousness "tapping in" to everything else, which caused the fear to pop up again. I thought that was a pretty good description, because I wasn't able to figure out what the trigger was.

And, of course, we started talking about calling, and T reminded me that I can always call her. She told me again that she doesn't give out her number lightly, so she wouldn't give it to me if she didn't want me to have it and use it. I think it's ridiculous how impossible it is for me to call her…I'm only making everything harder on myself. Whatever. Anyway, then I said a little about how nothing I'm feeling seems real once I speak it out loud. And T said that she knew that was something I struggled with but that I was doing a good job of verbalizing what I'm feeling the past couple sessions even though she knows I still don't believe much of what I'm saying.

She wanted to talk about supports that I could use when I get really triggered like that, and I said that the only thing that I think would work would be to talk to someone. I didn't specifically say my T at first since I always shy away from any intimacy in any relationship, but when my T started talking about friends I could call, I said, I wouldn't be able to talk to anyone besides you. I think once I said this, it let T know that I'm a little more okay with needing her and she said that yes, it's hard to talk to friends about that type of thing. And then she said that she sees us as riding through this wave and that she is there, riding it with me, and that we will get through it. I never thought I'd not be uncomfortable hearing that sort of thing, but it was nice and actually comforting. I mean, I guess I already knew that she was here with me on some level, but it still helps to hear it. And it also helps me to know that maybe I'm not exactly where I was on day one.

T then pulled out a DBT book and was reading off a few things when she got to a series of steps that can help identify how to eventually regulate emotions. So T starts reading, "Step 1: Learn to identify and name feelings." And we both cracked up, because I'm still in the baby steps of learning how to do that after 2 years of therapy. T said she was glad we could laugh about that. She didn't even make it to step 2. But once we sort of calmed down a bit, I said that it's hard to believe that, 2 years in, I'm still only on step one. She said that I'm on various levels of various steps, but that it's okay that it's taking a long time. I guess the thing I'm still trying to get my head around is that I'm two years in and obviously have a very long way to go. I never imagined I'd be in this spot.

You know what is kind of funny/odd, is today is the first day that T has ever openly acknowledged that I dissociate. She was talking about moving past the defenses of numbing, dissociation, repression, etc., but she has never explicitly said that I dissociate before. I already knew I did, though, but I've just been to scared to out right ask her. She's so hesitant to label, even when it sometimes seems like (in certain situations) knowing what exactly something is might help.

Anyway, we talked about a couple more things, but overall it was a lighter session which is a relief. Especially since I have another exam tomorrow. No way I could study if I were in a place like I was last week.

Thanks for listening and for your amazing support.

Glad to hear that your session went well. My brain is failing me for words right now, but thanks so much for sharing your experience. (((((((((Kashley)))))))))))