Tas,

You always seem to be so combattant with your T. Maybe he is waiting for you to be ready to be in the therapeutic relationship to work with him rather than fighting with him.

He isn't calling the shots - he is setting boundaries and I think patiently waiting for you.

I think you are going to continue to be on this rough road until you make a big step in treating your T as a helpful person in your life and the other person in this relationship rather than always treating him as the enemy.

Your T seems to be a stable and experienced T - he doesn't sound mean so you need to trust him.
Somedays.

Hate to say this TAS, but I agree with SD. I think that your T is holding the boundaries nicely, and it makes things uncomfortable because they are so clear. I say this only because I can relate. It took me a long time to trust that Ts boundaries were in place for my safety as well as hers. She holds them very firmly, and at first, I was so afraid of them I stayed like 10 feet away all the time. Now that I've been with her for a while, I know them well, and am comfortable walking alongside the boundaries, as I know they are there and they will keep me safe.

My T is VERY firm about things being shared IN session, not via text or over the phone. She so strongly believes this is best for clients, and at one point when there was a chance I'd be out of town for a few weeks and we were discussing a phone session, she said that she does not bill insurance for phone sessions, and that the client needs to pay for them personally. To me, that shows the importance of face to face therapy, and how much she values it. We've talked at length about how a conversation is so much more than verbal, it involves mannerisms, body language, facial expressions, and even the position in which one sits. All can speak louder than the words we verbally express.

While I can understand your frustration with T not budging from his boundaries, I do think that they speak loudly of what a great T he is, as boundaries he put in place are not just for his benefit, but for the client's as well.

My counsellor is exactly the same, no texts, no emails, everything in session.

TAS, mine would be the same ....BUT if thereare things that I can't say face to face, if the words simply won't come because they are too triggering, then I can email her as a way of getting them said and then we can discuss it (or simpy acknowledge it) the next session. That feels important for me and has been a good way into difficult things that might otherwise go unsaid. Likewise I write them down and hand then to her as I walk in and that saves actually having to verbalise them.

I wonder if that's an option for you both?

TAS

starfishy

Hello TAS – I guess I can see what SD is saying, in that the more combative you are feeling towards T, the less you are going to feel like trusting him, and the more you’re going to find things to fault or argue about. Which just creates a vicious loop.

But of course, you are not choosing to feel this way . It’s like me and my 35 plus therapists, people would inevitably think that it’s me with the problem and not that many therapists. But I maintain that it IS the therapists, in that if I’m the one with the problem, how come none of them have managed to help me?

I probably viewed them (latterly at least) in much the same way that you are experiencing your T – in a combative and defensive and mistrustful way. But I also realized that that was fundamentally important to my healing, to be allowed to feel that way and have it not only accepted by a T but validated and willingly worked through. So I was openly bringing my anger and distrust to sessions in the belief that that WAS the therapy. A bit misguided because very very few therapists are capable of dealing effectively with anger directed at them, and even less are capable of dealing effectively with criticisms levelled at them, even when it’s glaringly obvious that the anger and criticisms have less to do with them and more to do with my set up.

Having said all that, lol, I’m now going to suggest that what you do is continue to bring all this anger and mistrust and dissatisfaction directly to T, really open up to how negative you feel towards him and his ‘boundaries’ and make YOUR feelings the central focus of your sessions. If he is capable of validating and accepting those feelings, you’ve probably got a T who ultimately you will be able to trust and even, heaven forbid, like .

It must feel utterly crap to constantly be in opposition to your T like this (it is for me, I hate it, I want nothing more than to sink back into positive feelings of liking and safety, but that’s not my set up unfortunately .) And maybe this T isn’t actually the right fit for you either, that’s always a possibility. But in the meantime, I reckon it’s well worth your bringing all these negative feelings and thoughts about T directly to him in sessions. And see where that takes you...

LL

SomeDays: Thank you for your reply. I am combatant with the Therapist but I don't know why. I don't wake up and say this is how I am going to be. I don't know how to treat him as a helpful person because no one person has ever been a 'help' to me...they have always ended up hurting me tremendously.

I tell myself all the time, "He is not the enemy." I just have a hard time convincing myself of that.

Room2Grow: He definitely has firm boundaries. He won't budge. No matter how I ask. Sometimes I feel like he is doing it just to be mean. I don't ask for much, ever. But when I do ask, I feel that it is always "No."

scars09: Good thing to know I am not alone

Dragonfly: I want to do it over the phone so I can be alone when he tells me. I don't want to be in his presence because I probably will cry. If I can be by myself, then I can do what I want when I get off the phone. I can scream, cry, yell and be by myself. It seems that he doesn't understand that and I am not sure why.

starfish: That is something I could definitely try...my brain goes on tilt when I try to write things down...but I can try

Lamplighter: I am trying to be 'open' with the Therapist and no matter how hard I try...I revert back to hiding. I do understand boundaries...boundaries is one thing...but every boundary should not be placed upon every person. We are all different.

I am working on not being so combative...but I have rarely had a session where I have liked him. I do see him as the enemy and that is not fair to him. He has done anything to hurt me...yet I treat him as if he has.

I have offered him several times a 'way out' if he didn't want to work with me. I have told him it wouldn't bother me if he didn't want to work with me anymore...and he says he is not going anywhere.

I feel bad that he has to put up with me and all the shit I have accumulated over the years...

I am trying...I just want to throw my hands up and give up. I know that I can't do that. There are people counting on me.

Thank you, each of you, for your replies. I just wish I had a firmer grip on things and knew how to do therapy.

T.

quote:

I want to do it over the phone so I can be alone when he tells me. I don't want to be in his presence because I probably will cry. If I can be by myself, then I can do what I want when I get off the phone. I can scream, cry, yell and be by myself. It seems that he doesn't understand that and I am not sure why.

Hi TAS... I do agree with SD's comments. For a long time I treated my T as if he were my enemy. I was also angry with him and so mistrustful. Okay... it did not help that my previous therapist abandoned and traumatized me and it was hard to trust anyone much less a T. Luckily my T understood that my anger was the transference from oldT and that if we just kept at it I would eventually change my feelings.

I have to say that now after more than 2 years of this I have finally begun to see him as my ally, my support, my defender and my protector and not the enemy. Through all of this my T has kept his firm boundaries and I spent most of my time either terrified of hitting one or angry that he had ones I didn't like But those boundaries were necessary and helpful and when I did hit some he was willing to discuss them (over and over again LOL).

My T allows calls and emails but they are mostly for reassurance and connection and not for processing. He will tell me via email that we can discuss "that" in session and we always do. My T IS good at refering back to discuss emails and I don't always have to bring it up, he does.

As for what I quoted above... your T is NOT being mean at all. He knows and understands that all your life you have been alone to handle pain, grief, problems and life issues. You were too much alone, especially as a young child left to deal with difficult and painful times. It's okay to cry with him. It's VERY healing to cry in the presence of someone who is there to care for you and protect you. Having him bear witness to your grief will heal it. And so if you discuss your dx and then you want to cry, scream and yell... you can do that with your T and he will be there to help you through it. You will have that very important corrective emotional experience that will change things for you and you will feel better in time. You will, for once, not be alone to handle emotions and feelings that seem insurmountable as you were when you were a child. He will be there with you. He wants to be there. Let him be there.

I still think you have a good T, TAS. He wants to help you and you are not gonna scare him away LOL. THAT is a very good thing.

Let us know how it goes.

Hugs
TN

Oh I can so relate to this one. Last year I left a prayer minister because of transference and countertransference. The prayer minister didn't know how to help me through this stuff. I was projecting him to be my father, set him up to reject and abandoned me and was a total mess. When I met my liscensed therapist I was very hesitant to form a bond. I did not want to become attached to him. I told him that over and over and he was really good at helping me to honor that. I remember one time in a session he told me it was o.k. to give my whole heart to therapy I was so scared but at that point trusted him. From this place of connection we were able to work through some of the most painful places in my life! I ended up getting attached to him but because of the safety and trust that was created I had the courage to bring it up to him right away and because of that we were able to disconnect in a healthy way. I'm in the process of transitioning out of therapy after almost 15 years of being in and out of different therapy. I know that I am FINALLY coming out of the fog and can see life in the present. I'm still a bit wobbly on my feet and I had to be honest with my T about my attachment, fear of rejection and abandonment when we were talking about letting go of therapy. Again another area to work through. I remember him coming into the session with ..."Do you still want to push me away?" Yes! "Do you want to be here?" NO! But yet I knew all of this was not about him and all about my past pain. The hardest thing to leave behind is a person who understood you and never judged you...that is the hardest thing to leave behind. I hope this helps.. I'd be glad to help in any way I can. Hang in there...feel with your heart to see if it feels right and move forward in trust as you are able to..

Blessings & Hugs,