Sadly,

I am so sorry. I completely understand why you were upset. In my opinion, your T was irresponsible for allowing that appointment to run late simply because the client before you was late. If a client is late, the should get only what time is left available of their allotted time.

I can understand if a client has a crisis and runs late, but that is a different scenario entirely. In that scenario it is irresponsible for the T to abandon the client in the middle of their crisis and I can see how a T would allow it to run over if it were a rare occurrence. HOwever, that does not sound like this was this case with this client who was simply late and then made you late too. Completely disrespectful of YOUR time, YOUR day, YOUR plans, etc.

So sorry this happened. How are you feeling now?

(((Sadly)))

I'm sorry that bugged you so much. It is awfully hard to be waiting... and then delayed... and then so upset about it.

I once had a P who was 30 minutes late for my second appointment with her. The thrid time I went in, she had forgotten she even scheduled it and scheduled someone else over me. I waited for an hour, feeling stupid the whole time, but waiting for he rto come out just to see if I had made a mistake or what. I had tried calling her from the waiting room even. ugh. Then she came out bewildered why I was there. I had recorded the pervious session and so I had been able to check I had the time right that we set while I was there waiting before she came out.

It's hard when I am trying to trust someone and establish a relationship if they screw up the time and schedule and then all my tension about waiting spills over...

I never went back to her for a fourth appointment. But, she wasn't a good fit for other reasons other than the time.

My current T has accidentally double booked too, but realized it a couple hours before the session, and was deeply apoligetic. She called me as soon she realized it, and was willing to move her schedule around to fit me in sooner - or see me anyhow and try to reschedule the other client. (It ended up being easy for both her and I to reschedule for the next day - and even though it was just a day, it still sucked to wait. But these things happen.) My current T has also gone over on time with a previous client. She also has gone over on time with me, putting her next client behind. It's only happened once, and considering all the times I have seen her, I think that's pretty good.

I know it is hard to have so much time to wait and then when the time comes, to have a T be behind and not ready, and to be left wondering and waiting. With that first P I saw, I felt so bad for waiting all that time. If there had been any secretary to ask, I would have asked to reschedule after 15 minutes. I generally do if any doctor or professioanl is running over that long - I figure they are just too behind, and usually people are very kind about rescheduling. But with therapy... I am waiting and longing for that session so much that rescheduling just would be so hard... so I understand why this was so upsetting.

It sounds like your T was very apoligetic and willing to go over on time with you - i.e. not short change you on your session time.

One way to think about it is that clearly, if a client really absolutely needs it, he is willing to go over on time - which I am sure is not easy for him and screws up his own schedule too. If you are ever in a place where you need to go over on a session, like in a crisis or something and he needs a few extra minute sto sort it out, then you can know he's willing to take that time...

I also know what it is like to be angry at a T and feel like that interfers with the real therapy work. Sometimes it can be an interference, and sometimes it is the real therapy work.

If this T is good, then over time, you will be able to trust him, even when things get screwed up like this. If my T had screwed up scheduling early on in the relationship, I would have had a much harder time dealing with it - but now that I know her over time, it is so much easier to deal with.

It sounds like there has been other "administrative" stuff that has been getting in the way - is that right? Maybe the other stuff you have going on needs to be put aside a little until you can iron out the administrative kinks with this T? ugh. even as I write that I know how painful that is. I had serious anger with my old T and it was very hard to deal with - I usually was angry about things that seemed smaller, and more like logistics, than actual therapy stuff... in the end, I realized my anger was about much bigger things, and my general lack of trust. (Not saying that is the case for you.) It's hard to figure out how to trust so this stuff isn't so hard to deal with when this stuff happens. It felt like I was going in circles...

Now that I think about it, I'm not sure why it has worked out differently with my current T - she has done some of the same things that drove me nuts with my old T. They had very different styles and there were other problems with my old T, but I also have handled this T relationship much differently - so has my T. We have both taken a very slow approach, simply because nothing else worked. It has been mind numbingly slow at times - I have had tp put aside a lot of goals and agendas for therapy that I have had in the past - and somehow, i seem to be reaching more of those goals anyhow. I don't get it...

I don't know what will help for you in this case. I'm glad you did share how it affected you with your T and I am so glad he didn't get offended but was understanding and kind.

It sounds like you have a great T, and that you know that you do...

hang in there, these things will geat easier. Hopefully it won't happen again and at the very least, he knows how it would affect it if it does. It is true that you can't 100% prevent him running late. At the same time, you can do something. Anger tells us *something* isn't working, and motivates us to action. In this case, you have already taken some good steps. He knows it is hard on you, and might be less likely to run over. (Does he also understand you feel like these adminstrative issues are getting in the way of other things you would like to work on?) You also know he could be late again, and maybe you could have a back up plan for what to do if it happens.

You also can make your needs known. You can talk to him about how in order to do deeper work, you need him to be more on time.

Does this happen a lot? Does he take logistical problems seriously? If it happens a lot and he doesn't take it seriously, or is at all flippant about it (and it doesn't sound like he is) then you can just leave after waiting a certain amount of time - or just make it clear to him that you absoluetly need the logistics to work better in order to work on deepr stuff. Trust me, just about every T would like to have their sessions with their clients not be about logistics and by what you write here and in your other posts, he clearly does want to help you on the much deeper issues. If you let him know it's getting in the way, he might be able to help more for that to be less of an issue. He might not be able to prevent problems, but he might be able to change some things to make it easier, and he might be able to help you navigate them better without it affecting your trust in him and ability to go deeper - which is something I am guessing is a goal both of you would share.

I know it doesn't seem like the real therapy work, but it could be just where you are at and a crtical step in it... Learning to trust him with this might help you navigate the deeper stuff.

He sounds like a good enough T that I hope you hang in with him and work on this with him and not bail and figure out how to make this work better for both of you.

As you feel safer and safer with him, these things won't be as hard to navigate. It takes time - and yeah, that time and the waiting is so painful.

My response is terribly jumbled up, and may be totally off the mark - please ignore it if it is.

Most of all, I'm so sorry you were not able to get to the other things you wanted to talk about. Please know that you do have an outlet here too.


hang in there,
~jane

I was and still am upset by him running 20 minutes late, I waited a whole half hour in the waiting room as I was ten minutes early and I was shoved past in the corridor by two men who were acting very strangely, maybe on drugs or something and there were lots of people running through the waiting room and it was just awful.

And it was only when I actually got up to leave that the receptionist noticed me going past her bullet proof window and asked me to stay as his last patient had not come down yet so he must be running late.

Like: I am not important but the previous patient is and so wait your turn, and yes, your session is going to be really really short now. urgh.

How often is this going to happen? How little do I matter?

It was so NOT okay.

Anyway,

LadyGrey, thanks for your comments - I felt supported by you hearing me last night. ( I went to bed all upset still and have to learn how to DROP these things.)
I don;t know WHY he was late, except that the previous patient had not come down yet, -- one can assume it was a crisis but I don't know. I was sort of presuming it must be. Trying to be tolerant.

JaneDoe: it helped too to have your 'running late' stories, it is certainly agony waiting, why don't they REAlIZE this??? Every second of waiting is upping the agony for me.

WE have so much admin stuff JD - like we are still working on the contract in the NHS - and that can take up all the session so I just refused to work on it this session, which means it is still not fixed which means that I am still uncertain how long I am actually allowed to work with him. urgh.

I am sorry that you have been through such awful waiting times too. You seem to have had some bad luck with that.

quote:

I once had a P who was 30 minutes late for my second appointment with her. The thrid time I went in, she had forgotten she even scheduled it and scheduled someone else over me. I waited for an hour, feeling stupid the whole time, but waiting for her to come out just to see if I had made a mistake or what. I had tried calling her from the waiting room even. ugh. Then she came out bewildered why I was there. I had recorded the previous session and so I had been able to check I had the time right that we set while I was there waiting before she came out.

I especially was a bit horrified by that, it reminded me of how I once waited 45 minutes to eventually find out my ex C had cancelled all her appointments for the day but nobody noticed me waiting in the doctors surgery waiting room for her for 45 minutes. And then towards the end I waited 20 minutes and when I got in she said I only had five minutes left. It turned out she had got the time wrong and had sceduled me for an hour or more earlier. So she thought I was an hour late.

But it helped JD to know it happens, that it happens to others, that it is, in a awful way, a 'normal' part of this therapy process.

DF: yes, he had run over as much as 1.5 hrs for me, but ONLY because there is not patient waiting AFTER me, he has run over into a meeting once and a staff break once but not when there is another patient waiting. I think I will ASK him WHAT caused him to be late. I was too upset to really be straight with him yesterday. And it was a weird day anyway, as I never go there on a Thursday and he does not usually work there on a thursday so it was all a bit weird. I have no idea why he could not see me today - he just offered Thursday this week. With the NHS, you feel very not in control, they say, they inform, they schedule, they decide. It is very dis empowering. But as I said, he is aware of how difficult I find it being in the NHS system of 'mental health' but it is only because he is the only person I actually feel comfortable working with.

If I can be objective, and not just hurting ( A bit difficult !) I would have to say he handled it very well, he KNEW I was very upset and he was quietly allowing space for that and infact asking me what I was feeling when he knew that I was upset and trying to hide it. (it is easy to tell when I am upset, I don't give eye contact, I go very formal and curt in my language and I am very 'off hand'.

He actually said loads that was helpful. He is utterly sweet. He remained utterly sweet through out.

I even had a discussion somewhere in there about my bear .My bear is very special to me and I allowed the ex C to meet him eventually after working with her for over a year. So I took bear into sessions with her. but the day she broke down in tears cos she was so upset about what I was saying, not in empathy but in her hurt ("stop saying all these things at me") - I never took my bear back.

I think my bear represents my most hurt vulnerable hidden part of me. I am very careful with him and hug him and cuddle him and no one touches him but me.

Anyway, i had taken bear to meet sweetP last week but felt unable to let them meet. Yesterday was the same. BUT, I had bought by chance a bear yesterday morning that was sitting on a charity table at the place I work. I bought him for a dollar and he is so cute. I brought him with my bear to this session and in the end I spontaneously find myself asking sweetP if he will look after new bear there for me and bring him to sessions for me so that I don't have to keep carrying a bear. It was totally unexpected that I would ask that. It just sort of fell out of my mouth at the end.

He mulls this over, carefully, as usual.

He ponders aloud, "So you are giving me something that is sort of a surrogate to the bear who represents the most vulnerable part of youself, and you are asking me to keep safe, something that represents the most vulnerable part of yourself, giving it into my care so to speak?"

I just look at him and go "duh!- I was just asking you to keep this bear so I don't have to keep carrying a bear with me each time, duh."

But actually, he is right. As usual. I am doing that, I am entrusting my most hurt part to his care. "Duh" to me.

He said he would put it in his filing cabinet, (under B for bear I hope )

He also said that he would put bear in the room first when he arranged the room ready for us. I just laughed and said " so you are not caught walking around carrying a bear!" but again afterwards i realized he was protecting me, making sure that I don't feel embarassed if he comes into the waiting room carrying a bear for my session. Sweet thoughtful P

I cannot fault him on thoughtfulness and sweetness and kindness and gentleness. He has not yelled at me yet, he has not shouted at me, he has not told me to pull myself together (all things I know therapists should NOT do, but after ex C it is all a bit uncertain.)

He also saw that at one point, because it was after five o'clock, when the place shuts, the cleaners were talking loudly outside the door. I was instantly on guard, I have this thing about doors in therapy that I do not understand, but they frighten me when there is noise of people on the OTHER side of the door. i went very quiet, tears started plopping down my cheeks and I felt like I needed to hide fast, and get safe, and the door was terrifying me. BEfore I knew it I was pre verbal and unable to say what was happening. He just said " I am moving over here for a moment" and it meant that he got up, crossed in front of me and opened the door and very quietly and kindly asked them not to make any noise. that is all. but so kind. I had not asked. But I think he had picked up my eye movement that flickered slightly twice towards the door.

It still took ages to stop being frightened. He asked me how old I felt. I was eventually able to say that I was wavering between very little, babyhood up to about 8 in the session, but just then I was pre verbal.

When he was kindly explaining how my feelings inside, the ones I so carefully hide, are so appropriate and normal for what I have been through, I started to cry again (what IS it with this crying with him? I cry with HIM a lot, and I hardly EVER cried with the ex C)

It is almost like I feel safe enough with him to cry and I know he cares about me and although I tell him that I HATE him watching me when I cry, (I feel LOOKED AT) I am still ABLE to cry in the same room as him and actually some part of me is 'glad' that he sees.

It is like I am at some level choosing to let him see how much pain I am feeling.

The whole week and a day gap til next Friday is awful for me. Just awful. I shall probably ring on Monday and ask him to phone me.

I warned him that I am frightened of what will happen when the most hurt parts of me come out, that I shall be over the top, that i shall break some boundaries that I don't know. I think I was trying to say that I worry that I will phone asking you to phone me and that you will then start having to ask me not to do that, but I did not dare make it so explicit.

I don;t think he actually understands that I am still very anxious around the phoning thing, after what happened with the ex C.