HB,

Thanks for your response. You make a good point. It is what I do to myself after he finishes with me that causes the majority of the problems. I had forgotten about that, of course, my T would have reminded me today. After he does his thing, I feel like such a lame loser that I just completely start attacking myself. Those were the times when I lived with him when I would go in my room, shut the door, and sit there with a razor blade trying to keep myself from cutting myself. I would just spiral lower and lower, until I was in such a place of self-loathing that even I couldn't bare/bare? me. Then, I'd see my T, and she would help me to see what I was doing for myself.

Now, I don't go that far down the path of self-hatred, because I have my own life, my own space, my own safe haven in which to escape. Yet, it's still there. He says his thing, and rather than being infuriated that he is disrespectful, and has no awareness of personal boundaries, I think that somehow I deserved it.

You're right. That is where the real problem lies.

It's so easy now for me to see when other people cross my boundaries, and to set them with other people. It's almost impossible for me to do it with him. I set a boundary, he crosses it, I capitulate. I guess I could see it as one big frustrating learning experience. If I can learn to stand up to him, I can do anything.

catgirl