Well I have been run off my feet with Christmas shopping and Christmas parties and I am pleased to say that I am so much happier than I was this time last year. Last Christmas was a really hard time, I had absolutely no interest in anything and having to force myself to put a smile on my face and pretend to enjoy Christmas for the kids sake was very tough. Then three days after Christmas my father died.

I went to my oldP last Wednesday and the session was so incredibly healing. It has taken me this long to be able to write about it. I went with the purpose of asking him to be my life coach and focus on weight loss, lessening my anxiety levels and sleeping better. When I asked him he said he would but that he thought we would still keep coming back to our relationship because their are so many things that are unresolved and that I just haven't been able to open up fully about.

He said that he wondered if the reason I am so strongly attached is because he had validated me and been kind to me in the beginning. I told him I have never ever felt validated or accepted by him. I have told him stuff that no-one else knows, really horrible stuff, the worst stuff that I have remembered about myself. He was upset that I said he hadn't validated me at all

Eventually I just gathered up all of my courage and told him that I was angry at the way he ended so abruptly. That it was so cruel and how could he have ever thought that I would be ok with it. Also that he has since continually blamed me for the ending and never apologized. He said that at the time he didn't see any other way to handle it, that he was so caught up in my feelings and that it was such a huge and clear breach of boundaries that he had met me out of the Office. I told him that he could have said that if I didn't come back to his Office then he would end and I would never have let that happen. He said it just wasn't that clear at the time. He then sincerely apologized for the pain and suffering he has caused me.

I said while we are on the subject and brought up about how badly he handled it when I asked him what would happen if I hugged him. I told him the reason I had asked was that in the few weeks before that he had been so supportive while I was really in a dark place. He had talked me down several times over the phone and I was really feeling supported and grateful. He was the one who made it seem like I was a repulsive rapist. He also apologized sincerely for that too. He asked if I could understand the confusion about that issue and I said no, it is his job to make sure there is no confusion and not to have extreme reactions that make the client feel bad.

We then talked about my family stuff and about how I am not ready to leave even though I am seeing newP for therapy. I only want to do therapy with newP but still want to have a link with oldP because of my attachment issues. He said that is was fine and that he was going to be there. Wooooooot!!!!

He said it was time to finish and then asked if I was ok with it all and is it what I want and I said it isn't what I want but it is enough for me. He said what do I want. I said I want him to accept me and the only way I ever feel accepted is with sex and we have talked about that before. He said he didn't realize I meant in the context of our relationship.

After I had paid and made my next appt I said So will you hug me? And he said yes he will hug me and held out his arms. I said no because I was so panicked. But then straight away I said yes and flew into his arms. It was the best hug ever and meant everything to me and was not in the slightest bit sexual. He said that he only has my best interests at heart and that he wants what is the very best for me.

We said goodbye and I left.

The next day I could not stop crying. Not unhappy crying just overwhelmed and so emotional. I rang him and we talked and he was good. I told him he had handled everything perfectly and thanked him. We have talked a couple of times since.

Since then I have realized that I want him to accept me so desperately because he is the only person who knows the things about me that I am so ashamed about and how I really feel about myself. He knows the level of my despair. He had been validating me all along, I just had never been able to accept or receive it. By hugging me I was able to receive it and I am truly changed. I need to let people love me, because there are lots of people in my life that do truly love me and I have never ever been able to receive love.

I am still very emotional and I have issues surfacing about my sister and my mother and father and it is all so overwhelming.