Hi kmay!
I'm sorry you are hurting. If I recall, you had been seeing your former T for many many years and it was a friend of the family originally, correct?
I wish there were a way I could help you with this. I can empathize to some extent. I still feel sad about leaving my former T. I have this longing still to be in her presence and for her to give me one last hug or touch on the arm.
I just want to say you are not alone!

I left my former T at the end of October of last year. My insurance was ending and she kept mentioning that maybe I could possibly do my internship there. I just recently found out I can't do an internship there and more than likely I'll be placed about a city block away from former T's office. Former T also said that she thought our relationship was more like a mentorship. I also saw it that way. Anyway, my heart still aches. I feel like I lost a best friend in a way.
I'm seeing a new T now. We don't have out of session contact and I don't see her that often.
This is a different type of counseling, so I almost don't want that same time of relationship and I don't feel attached to this T. She is an incredibly helpful woman and I enjoy my sessions, but I do not feel like I want to be friends with her or be with her all the time. Maybe in some way I'm working hard to avoid a close relationship with this T because of getting too close to former T. Hmmmm...something for me to explore.
I just looked on former T's Facebook page and saw a new photo. I look at her photo when I need a connection and I need motivation to keep going and keep on my path. God, I miss her!

quote:

I know this is the way it is supposed to be in order to avoid getting hurt like I did, but then why does it make me feel worse?

(((Kmay))) Just because something is the best thing for us, does not always mean it's pleasant or feels good. Think exercise or eating brussel sprouts. Of course you miss your old T and the physical contact. That need to be held has been there your whole life, how could it not feel good to have it responded to? But it can also mask the loss of not having that as a child. I think your present T withholding that is actually evoking the pain of not having that as a child, so of course it feels worse. If you have not already done so, I would encourage you to talk to your present T about how it feels. There is nothing wrong with your desire to be held, even if it is something your T cannot provide and your feelings deserve to be heard and understood.

AG

I was just thinking about my old T yesterday and how much I missed her...so I wanted to just pop in here and tell you how much I can relate.

And I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. It is painful. I hope you're able to discuss this with your new T.

It's been about 3 years - and yeah it does get easier - but I just started with a new T so I think it kinda brought things up again.
My therapy was pretty much abruptly ended when my old T got fired. It was pretty messy. She tried maintaining contact and it just made things all sorts of worse.
My new T is just as warm and kind and intuitive - but she's not my old T...

quote:

She gave me so many things I had never had before and then just left me.

Maybe I am remembering this wrong, but I thought you were the one who decided to leave her?

Either way,

(((((KMAY)))))

It's so nice to see you but I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I am not *sure* but I *think* I have done the majority of my grieving. I wanted to share that with you to give you hope. The pain does end. The longing ends.

Had I left my T, though, like you left yours, I'm sure it would have set me back. It's just so hard to handle yet another loss when that's all you've had your whole life. It's no wonder you are having a tough time of it.

Go easy on yourself. Remember how hard all this is and how brave you were to make the decision you made. Try to comfort yourself in any way you can. (Healthy, of course.) Take good care of yourself and hang in there. She's really not gone. She's in your heart. You brought her and all the goodness with you.

Thank you so much for all your responses my friends.

Athenacus - yes, good memorty! I am sorry to hear of your pain as well. It does bring comfort, however to know that I am not alone (does that sound awful? lol)

AG - Yes, you are correct. If it feels wrong, then it's probably right. I have this thing...if she touches me, then it means she doesn't think I'm disgusting. Of course, I long for the care and nurturing too. I'm having a hard time understanding how this all heals me in the end. Thank you for your response. Talking to her about it....probably won't happen. But I will sure try!

Lucy - Thank you so much for your response. I am sorry for your hurt as well.

BLT - Yes, you are correct. I did leave her. I don't know if I shared on here afterward, but we had one final session. I asked her if we could maintain relationship outside of therapy. (She had always insinuated that this would be the case during all our therapy time). She said no. So I feel like, I ended therapy, but she ended the whole relationship. So I feel like she left me. I hope you are well BLT.

Liese - Thank you. Provides some hope that it will end someday. Yes, me ending therapy does make the process linger I'm sure.

Thank you all so much for your responses. And support.

((((KMAY))))

quote:

She said no. So I feel like, I ended therapy, but she ended the whole relationship. So I feel like she left me.

I know exactly how this feels. I can't tell you how many times I thought about leaving my T while knowing he would never maintain a relationship with me outside of therapy - and I felt the same way you do, that he would be abandoning me.

We have been having a rough patch recently and I felt backed up against the wall. I felt like I had to leave, in which case, even though it was me doing the leaving, I'd feel like T ended the relationship. It really would have been unreasonable of me to expect that T would break all the rules, hurt himself, potentially lose his livelihood to have a relationship with me outside of therapy BUT the little part of me doesn't always get that. In fact, she rarely does. The little part only focuses on what she wants and needs.

Honestly, Kmay, that has been the story of my life. I'd feel hurt about something someone did and decide to cut them off. It felt like I was leaving dead bodies all over the place.

Recently, however, I decided that THIS time, I wanted a different ending. Every time I disconnect, I only hurt myself. There was a part of you that felt like you HAD to leave her and a part of you that needed/needs the connection. You need to honor both parts. I don't think there is a quick exit away from the pain. It just has to subside. And it will.

quote:

She said no. So I feel like, I ended therapy, but she ended the whole relationship. So I feel like she left me. I hope you are well BLT.

Yes, I am doing pretty well these days! I am starting T school in a month!

I do think it's an important point about who left who. If you believe she left YOU, it's saying something about your underlying beliefs about yourself. Maybe how you see the world, you are "disgusting" or unlovable somehow and everyone will leave you in the end, so of course it only makes sense to you that she left you. The truth, of course, is much more complicated. From what you have told us so far about this relationship, it sounds like your former T cared for you very much, and stayed with you for some 15 years. She had many years to reject you and tell you you were disgusting or unlovable and she didn't. Rather, when you asked to end therapy with her, she went along with the only professionally and ethically viable option for her and refused to see you in a different context. I don't see any evidence in that story of your unlovability or your ex-T's wish to leave you, only your own wise acknowledgement that many years of therapy with this person had not brought you the healing you needed. I don't see any reason to think that your ex T wouldn't wish you to carry her care with you in spite of your decision to leave her because of her professional limitations.

Sometimes when we feel like people keep abandoning us, we think other people saw our inherent badness or shortcomings and left us for that reason. We weren't "good enough" to keep them around. Often times we ignore how we have actually "left" the relationship ourselves because we couldn't accept other people's shortcomings or the realities of life. In this case, you left the professional relationship with your T for good reasons, but then you abandoned the connection with her that you held in your heart because you couldn't forgive her limitations of not being able to have a relationship with you outside of therapy, and her shortcomings in allowing you to believe it was possible.

In my own life I had a lot of attachments to people like teachers at school. I always felt "abandoned" in some way when they left for a different job or career at the end of the year, or even when I had to change schools. I didn't have enough acceptance for the realities of life to realize that they didn't abandon me, they simply served their purpose for the limited time they were in my life, and then went on to other things, but allowing me to hold in my heart the positive things they had shared with me, if only I could get over the bitterness that it didn't last forever.

If you're anything like me you've struggled to believe that you are lovable because you have flaws, and because the people that were supposed to love you were also flawed in big or small ways. A lot of therapy for me has been opening my heart to imperfection in myself and others, in order to learn to accept myself even when I fall short, and to learn to accept love (but never abuse disguised as love), even when it's given by imperfect people in imperfect ways and when the relationship can't last forever.

(((Liese)))

Thank you for your response. I think the problem that makes my situation so difficult is the relationship we had. It was so out of the ordinary. She did so many thing for me, with me, outside of the therapy room. And it led me to believe that was how our relationship would carry on. I never for one second thought that while I was "leaving her" (leaving therapy) that she would ultimately say that we could no longer have a relationship outside of therapy. I knew that we would have to have some distance for awhile due to the rules/laws of client/therapy relationships and also due to the very fact that my choice to leave therapy was b/c our relationship had become very confusing and almost hurtful to me. But part of that decision was that I was hopeful that if our relationship could carry on as just friends, without the therapy that it would be a healthier relationship. I just am so confused and cannot move past feeling abandoned no matter how rationally I look at it.
You sound very healthy my friend in deciding that you want a different ending this time. Good for you!

BLT,
Thank you for your response. I am so happy to hear that you are staring T school! What a great accomplishment and a very healthy way to turn something difficult you went through into something good.

quote:

I do think it's an important point about who left who. If you believe she left YOU, it's saying something about your underlying beliefs about yourself. Maybe how you see the world, you are "disgusting" or unlovable somehow and everyone will leave you in the end, so of course it only makes sense to you that she left you.

- Took the words right out of my mouth.

quote:

I don't see any reason to think that your ex T wouldn't wish you to carry her care with you in spite of your decision to leave her because of her professional limitations.

- I know she wants me to carry her care with me. I know she cares for me. The truth is she made a mistake in insinuation that we would always have the same type of relationship inside or outside of therapy. And the truth is she admitted some mistakes. She is human, I know. But damn it, it still hurts and still causes all kinds of "lies" (thats what knew T calls it) to come to mind. Hence, what I quoted above

quote:

If you're anything like me you've struggled to believe that you are lovable because you have flaws, and because the people that were supposed to love you were also flawed in big or small ways

- yes, yes. Yes.

Well, this rather rational and healthy response of yours has made me feel very sick lol (please don't take offense it's a compliment). I have some work to do. Humph....

Thank you

quote:

Well, this rather rational and healthy response of yours has made me feel very sick lol (please don't take offense it's a compliment). I have some work to do. Humph....

No offense taken! Wishing you the best