Butterfly I am so very sorry that you have learned this about your T coming back to practice. It seems so cruel to come back and make it difficult for you to see her? Could you not go on a lunch hour? Or arrange to leave work early?

If this is impossible then I suppose you are now in another stage of grief. You will have to go through mourning this loss and I would hope you could have one last closure session with your T before moving on. Do you think you would look for a new T?

As you know I went through a lot of agony when I lost oldT. I had to grieve the loss and put it into perspctive and try to continue this journey with a new T. I was very fortunate in that I found such a wonderful, caring T to help put me together again. I still struggle with some of this. It's been a slow grueling journey this past 16 months. But I am still here and I am still trying to move forward and I am firmly attached to my new T even though I would have NEVER thought this possible last year at this time.

We are here Butterfly to help get you through this really tough loss.

Hugs
TN

(((((Butterfly)))))

Like TN, I hope you can find another solution, but if you can't, I am so sorry for this. It really is a loss, as it would be for many of us.

Hi Flutters

So sorry for you Have you explained to your T that you won't be able to see her now? I wonder if there is some alternative to be found, maybe she could be a little more flexible as a one off??? ....I'm guessing you lack an empathetic boss to help with rescheduling by day

starfishy

((((BUTTERFLY)))))

Big Hugs. I'm so sorry. You've waited a long time for her to come back. I'm holding out hope like the others that you might be able to go on your lunch hour and she might be able to accommodate you somehow, somewhere.

(((((TN, DF, Yaku, Starfish and Liese))))) thank you for your support. It feels so lonely without my hope for company, though I guess I have been moaning about it all year long.

Unfortunately there is no way round this one I have just accepted a job near where I live which is about an hour journey from T, though it wouldn't have worked out in my current job either. TN, I agree, I think it was cruel to offer me something she knew I couldn't take up. I wish she had never contacted me, she most likely did as a sense of duty. T (well officially no longer my T) responded to say only thank you to my telling her this wouldn't work for me Like all you guys I hoped there would be a way round this too. Usually I would be paranoid that she would be reading this but I guess I just don't care now...she obviously doesn't.

I have contacted another T but not many are willing to take me on due to my finances and me asking to see them less than weekly. There doesn't seem much point. I have followed your expereince TN, and you are an inspiration, but I am just not sure I can invest myself like that again.

Thanks for being there. I don't know how to get through this, even with all the time I had I didn't see this being the outcome.

Butterfly

Butterfly,
I am so sorry, the loss of hope is so devastating. And obviously your T is very important to you or you would not have waited for a year. And of course its painful. This reminds me of knowing that someone will die soon, but it's still a shock when it happens. I do hope that you can find a way to be in therapy that would fit with your schedule and your finances. But it's ok to mourn for your loss first. We're here.



AG

(((Buttefly))) I'm so sorry that you've waited with hope all of this time only to be let down. Whatever the reasons for things not working out, it is a huge loss.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through

(((((BUTTERFLY)))))

I'm so sorry it didn't work out. It must be very hard after all this time waiting for her to come back. Do you know why she left? Did she have a personal crisis? Does she have kids? She might have a real need to take care of herself now, set better boundaries and be home in the evening. I know it doesn't make it any easier but just hoping you're not taking it personally, although I'm sure I would. But you're not allowed to beat yourself up the way I beat myself up.

Have you thought about contacting other T's to see if they would work with you financially? I don't know about over there but here they are T's that do work on a sliding scale basis. Not all of them. Probably not even a lot of them. But some do.

xoxo

Liese

Thank you for your care AG, STRM, FOT, Ninn and Liese.

Yes AG she was extremely important to me. I understand the link you are making to knowing someone is dying and it still being a shock, I have had this happen and I emotionally distanced myself from it as I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it, and even though it did make it easier I am ashamed of myself for doing so . With my T, I had hoped so much for her return, therefore it is the loss of that hope I clung so tightly too that has broken me and been such a shock.

All this time somewhere deep down I hoped that she still cared about me on some level, but her responses to me show that I am just another number on her list and that is what hurts the most . I felt safe in the knowledge that I may continue with her again someday and now I just feel a huge hole where the hope was.

Liese, she left to focus on another area of her business. It’s not that I am taking it personally but it is clear I don’t mean anything to her anymore that she can so casually email me what she did knowing the effect it would have on me.

I have made an appointment with another T but she has told me until we have a face to face session she can’t tell whether she will be able to work with me.

I know I will have to somehow get through this and put on a brave face, it just feels so hard. I just can’t imagine not seeing her again. I miss her so much .

Butterfly

flutters,

quote:

that she can so casually email me what she did knowing the effect it would have on me.

Awwww , that's so hard. How long had you been working with her for? I can't believe that she did that by email either, that's rubbish You at least deserve a face to face explanation and check out that you are ok and help to find another T , when you have invested so much into working at your stuff

I hope the new T works out, when do you see him/her? How did you choose them? Fingers crossed for you flutters ...

starfishy

Wish you all the best Butterfly - it is a horrible thing to have to go through. I know... I hope your new T takes you on. Fingers crossed for you.

I thought I would die after my T termed me - but I didn't and my new T is much better for me. I didn't appreciate any of this until a long time after we parted.It takes time, a lot of talking and lots of tears - but you can get there.

Starfishy, I had been with her for nearly three years with an added year of wasted hope. I don't mind that she did it by email, I expected that, it's the way it was written which was so incredibly distant and uncaring which can only lead me to believe that she no longer wanted to work with me anyhow

I see the new T on Tuesday but I am not holding out much hope. I found her on a webiste, I contacted her because she is close to me.

I'm really glad you have benefitted from your new T Somedays. Unfortunately, I'm still in the wanting to die mode

Thank you both for your care.

Butterfly

((((Butterfly)))) I'm so sorry. I know it feels like there is not a far side to the grief but there will be. And of course you're still in a lot of pain, this is such a fresh wound. Missing them is so difficult. I really hope that you are able to connect enough with the new T to get some face to face support in addition to coming here.



AG

Thanks AG!

Butterfly

((Flutterby)) I'm so sorry to hear this and simply cannot imagine the depth of your pain after waiting for so long!! Have you communicated with her since receiving the email to tell her this puts you in an impossible situation?? I'd want a better explanation myself, especially after she said she was coming back - it just doesn't sound right and I'm sure it's not because she's not interested in you! However I'm so pleased you're going to see someone who hopefully will help you through this and more!!

Sorry Flutters - can only offer you my heartfelt sympathy and caring thoughts and hope that you continue to talk with us here!

Lots of s and care, Morgs xxx

(((BUTTERFLY)))

Ohhh, I like Morgs' suggestion that you at least deserve an explanation and you can let her know the effect this had on you, that she told you she'd be back and you waited. And how much it hurts that she can't accommodate you???

I don't know if I'd be brave enough to do that but if you can do it, at least you'd hopefully get some kind of an explanation and hopefully you won't feel like you meant nothing to her. That would feel awful to me too.

Good luck with new T tomorrow.

xoxo

Liese

Aw Flutterby- my heart goes out to you. Your situation is so painful, and it must be confusing as well.

I wanted to tell you that, even though I knew the realtionship with my T was dying, or that I couldn't do it anymore- I clung to hope for a year with him as well- and that was the worst of it, the hoping that he would turn it around, that he would do something to make it all ok. Once I finally realized that he would or could not- it was the death knell. It still hurts like hell, and I know that I will always miss and love him- and you will always miss and love your T- but I wanted to tell you that it is absolutely crucial to work through this with someone and not alone. If I had not had Cowboy there I would have gotten much worse, I know. It's really importnat to have someone to share all your feelings with about it- I don't know if this applies to you at all- but I have found it much easier to do that with a T that I am not emotionally attached to or dependent on. It's especially important to be able to have a safe place to express your anger, I suspect. I know for myself I am terrified of my anger at my old T, and it is nicely tucked away- but Cowboy T keeps making comments that encourage me, that it is ok if I am angry at old T. It is ok for you to be angry at your T, and your anger is totally justified. It doesn't invalidate the good things in the realtionship or your own worth if you are royally pissed off at her- she did a lot of good for you, but this way of handling things has added another layer of grief on top of what you already had, and she made it heavier than it had to be. You have every right to be angry, sad, griefstricken, numb, and whatever else you may be feeling. Just keep talking- it really is key. I strongly encourage you to take this to another T, and let them help you, as best they can.

Many hugs for you, friend, I'm deeply sorry that her email felt so cold- I know that pain as well. fwiw, I was able to send my old T an email some months later, after what felt like a cold dismissal of me- I told him about current developments with me, and he wished me well, and said some very healing things to me. I'm sondering if once you workthrough some of the grief, you may be able to find some closure with your old T, once you are emotionally a bit stronger, and able to confront/ask better.

I'm wishing you all the best for healing from this..keep talking here. It is invaluable to have this place to process all your feelings about it- over and over again. It has helped me very much to have a place to come where I could just say *whatever* I wanted to about the situation and my feelings.

BB

Unfortunately my T (sorry not my T) owes me nothing, she always said to me she wasn't sure if she would return, I don't think I was meant to cling to the hope as much as I did. She asked me if I would like her to contact me if she did and of course I said yes and I guess she carried through on her word. I can only imagine she is putting more of her efforts into her other work. I have however told her how much it hurts but as I am no longer her client, nor have been for a while, how I feel is not her problem Thank you for the suggestion Morgs and Liese ((((hugs))))

BB, I have arranged an appointment with another T but I just can't see the point at the moment. The last thing I feel like doing is bearing my soul to someone who doesn't know me. I think like you, I would find it easier if I weren't attached but at the same time I wonder if I will look to fill the gap that has been left? Thank you for saying it is ok to be angry at her, I am, but I don't feel I have any right to be as even though I feel seriously hurt, she hasn't actually done anything wrong. I know you understand about cold emails too , I think that will be it for me in terms of closure. Thank you (((BB))).

I am feeling apprehensive about seeing this other T tomorrow as it is just to decide whether we will be able to work together. She still might not see me on a less than weekly basis, I'm not sure I can take the rejection at the moment. I really hate first sessions where they ask you why you are there; some of the things I find I just can't explain.

Thank you for giving me somewhere to talk this through

Butterfly

Thoughts and hug for tomorrow butterfly

(((((((butterfly)))))))
i am so sorry.....
i do think it wasnt right for her to give you such vague answers which of course gave you hope as there wasn't much else you could hold on to. i know how painful it is to hold on to hope and be afraid to lose it all and then to lose it after a whole year, it must be excruciating...
i am so sorry to see you hurting so much. i really hope you can go to your appointment tomorrow, maybe it can relieve some of the pain, or just distract you from it for a while. and who knows, maybe this T can actually help you, either short or long term...

please keep posting on here, you shouldn't be alone with this!

p.s. i forgot the extra big hug...

((((Butterfly))))

Sorry I'm late to this..I can't imagine how heartbreaking it would be to have your T come back, only to find out that it won't work out. It's very brave of you to see this other T...I really hope it goes well. Please keep us updated on how it goes and how you are doing.

I am sorry flutterby, I forgot the extra big hug, too...((((((Flutterby)))))))

I know it feels ridiculous to go to another T...because I felt the same way. I know it feels like going through the motions....so did I (and do I still at times) I know itfeels scary to think..."what if I develop the same feelings and dependency on the new T as I did on the old!" And that might feel like the scariest thing of all. For me, it worked out- I was blessed, though, to find a T who seems very comfortable in himself, and quite willing to discuss anything I bring in there- he is also a very good communicator and it totally upfront and honest about communicating what he thinks to me. We nay not agree on everything- but he is a safe person to bring it too, because it just doesn't feel like he needs me to be anything at all for him. In a way, I think I am protected from developing that type of attachment or dependency on a T ever again- I just wouldn'[t go there, I wouldn't tip over that edge as it were. But nevertheless, although it is not an emotionally intense connection that I have with my T- it is still a grounding one, and a place to bring my grief, and to gradually try to trust again. And the relationship will develop, but- in a totally different way than it did with your last T. It is crucial to tell them right off the bat that you are grief stricken about old T- because I really think the new T will adjust to this for you. In my case, therapy has been much easier and less painful the second time around, because this time, I am learning to own my pain, rather than to displace it onto to someone else who can't tolerate it. In a way it is "worse" but the pain itself is much "healthier" for lack of a better word.

Cowboy talked about healthy versus unhealthy attachment with me last time- what he said really helped me. I might post about it because I think it could help others here.

So this is all meant just to encourage you, as others did me- to just force yourself, make your body go through the motions of getting yourself to a therapist, and finding the right fit, what feels good, and safe. The rest will work itself out later, but it is too much to think about right now. For now try, just take that one small step.

I hope it works out for you tomoorrow- everything crossed for you-

Love,

Beebs

Hey ((((flutterby)))) I want to add my hugs and support. I don't have much wisdom to share but I do sympathize with your pain and anger. Please let us know how your session with the new prospective T goes. Thinking of you...

(((((( Butterfly ))))))

That is so awful that after all this time of waiting and hoping, your T has made it so you can’t return to her. I’m so sorry

I know you’ve said that it’s not possible to get to see her and you’re feeling that she just doesn’t care about you, but I’m wondering whether perhaps she is unaware of how much you were hoping to see her again and that you’d been waiting all this time specifically for her to come back? Do you think it might be worth getting in touch with her again and telling her how much you wanted to start work with her and ask if she can’t arrange something? Or at least give you a one off session to speak about this all, give you some closure? Sorry if I’m talking hot air here, for all I know you’ve already discussed all this with her.

I hope your meeting with the new T today goes well. You’ve waited a long time to get back into therapy and though a new T won’t be who you want to see, perhaps there’s a chance that starting therapy with someone new will be a positive way forward.

LL

Sending good wishes for your session today. . . let us know how it goes!

The session was a waste of time

I will come back to upate and respond to your lovely messages when I'm in a better place.

Butterfly

((((((Butterfly)))))

((((((Butterfly))))))

(((Butterfly)))

((((((((((Butterfly))))))))))

Go gently with yourself ((((Flutters))))

Awwwwwwwwwww

Aww Butterfly

Thinking of you Butterfly

LL

(((((BUTTERFLY)))))



xoxox

Liese

((((butterfly))))

Thank you all so much for the kind thoughts and hugs, they really touched me and have really helped to keep me afloat.
(((((Starfish, Puppet, Kashley, BB, xoxo, Cipher, LL, HIC, Hev, SG, Morgs, JMB, Liese Yaku)))))

BB, thank you for sharing how it was for you and encouraging that for me too.

LL, yes she is aware that I wanted to work with her again and how disappointed I am, she has made it very clear to me that she is not going to be doing an evening practice at all. I really wish there had been a way around it, however the way she has responded to me gives me the impression she just doesn’t care. Even if she were to change her mind now, the rejection has already sunk in too far . Not hot air at all.

I felt uncomfortable with the T I saw the other day from the start. I found it hard to say why I was there but I did say I had lost a T and I was too attached to her, to which her response was that she was retiring in the middle of next year so there was less chance that would happen again. She seemed to think she could sort me out by then, even though she knew nothing about me. She has some school breaks off mixed in with the fact they would be less than weekly sessions which due to the gaps in sessions would make it harder in terms of building up the relationship especially with my trust issues. She said we would just have to work harder in the sessions we did have and she would modify her approach to move things along. I felt under a lot of pressure as well as feeling uncomfortable and I told her it wouldn’t work for me . We decided to end the session, I was there all of 10 minutes but there didn’t seem any point in staying.

I know having some support would be really useful right now, but it took a lot of out of me doing that and I am not sure I have the energy right now to carry on searching.

Thank you all for helping me through this. I’m really sorry I am not able to give support to others at the moment.

Butterfly