Well done Affinity. You have typed the words and you are still breathing.

I know how difficult ET can be and to mention it in therapy is a hundred times more difficult. You could always write it down, as you have done in this post, and then he will start the conversation.

Good luck, don't let holding back spoil your therapy.

Big hug

Caroola x

Sounds like you need your T now more than ever. You know that talking to him is the smart thing to do. You will find relief there. Talking with him about all this will bring you back to earth and you will feel so much more settled. Give it all to him....that's what he is there for. Turn towards him, not away. Try and calm yourself down. Hope you feel better soon. We all know how intense this stuff is.

Uuuuugh!!!

If you get anywhere with this let me know!!! also experiencing a surge of overwhelming feelings... right there with you!

I am the last person who should be offering perspective on this, but... just be kind to yourself and remember that whatever you're feeling, is totally okay. It's not everything, but it's a good place to start.

quote:

don't let holding back spoil your therapy - by Caroola

I'm pretty sure this has meaning in your life and is coming up in therapy for a reason. I know it can be a painful, shameful experience to work through. Hopefully your T has the wherewithal to handle this with sensitivity and respect. If you broach the topic and feel that he doesn't have the capacity for this one, you may want to seek a consult to help guide you through.

Also, if it always seems impossible to talk about it when you are with T, you might start with talking about being "terrified of what he might be thinking" since that seems to be a big stumbling block for you.

Go well,
-RT

By far the most helpful source I've rep re read about ET is what AG has written about it on her blog. It really put it into perspective for me.

Makes perfect sense, that ET is our way of experiencing a SAFE loving relationship; how the erotic part is about our way of re shifting the power imbalance within the T relationship. If (only in our minds anyway) we can experience them wanting us, or sharing the love and feelings on a more even playing field, it sure takes away a lot of the fears (read TERRORS) of rejection and abandonment.

You're being very brave Affinity just to start the process of talking about it.

Thanks, everyone!

I just had session and did manage to bring it up. Thankfully, this is not the first time I've discussed ET with my T, so it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. (I'm not sure what happened last session, but our relationship has felt safer and more open since then.) Anyway...

He was totally cool about it and very gentle with his response. We discussed the feelings (on his side and mine) that are feeding my thoughts, and how they are providing an escape for me to avoid dealing with very painful issues. We theorized about what some of those issues might be. He said a couple of things that began to trigger some pain and reveal what I've been avoiding. He gave me some advice on how to curb the obsessiveness and push through to the underlying stuff. We were able to discuss most of this in fairly general terms without going into the details of my fantasies. He didn't even ask. (Thank God.) I thought my shame would be through the roof, but once I broke the ice, it was smooth and straightforward from there.

The catch-22 is, every time we have a good, connecting session like this, the transference just seems to grow. So I'm expecting the fire to fall in about 3...2...1...

Oh, and I did preface the conversation by admitting that I fear what he might be thinking. He said if I want to know what he's thinking, I just have to ask.

P.S. I don't want to know what he's thinking.

Kudos, Affinity!

Affinity,

I really admire your courage! Congrats on taking a risk. It sounds like you have a great T who understands ET and you. So glad he was able to help you work through some of it.

I totally understand when sessions are good, it makes it all that much harder.