Hi Tina....

I'm glad you decided to join us. You've just tapped into one of the best forums on the net. (I am, of course, speaking with bias) You'll find an abundance of information and many well educated people. Especially on the topic of transference.
And about that "ice cube" affect? It is usually just that...affect. Your T may be a more compassionate person than she can show...thus the affect. Just my opinion, mind you, but my T is that way too.

Anyway...welcome...I hope you find some of the answers you are seeking here. You will find an abundance of compassion for your confusion...that's for sure.

SD

Hi Tina,

Welcome! You will enjoy your time here, everyone seems to be very friendly, helpful and genuine. What form of transference do you have with your therapist? I have transference issues as well, and I also have a T (therapist) who seems more like an ice cube too! She comes off as being quite up tight. I've only been seeing her for about 5 months so it happened pretty fast for me. After reading all of the posts here I decided that I would try to talk to her about it today ... I ended up hinting more about it than anything, because it was so awkward and embarrassing for me.

So I'll be watching the posts that you receive and hopefully taking in some of the suggestions that you are given

Enjoy your visits here!

Holly

My T has helped me a lot with school. She is not a Forensic psychologist, but she does do evaluations which is something I want to do besides jury consulting. She has told me a lot about the field and has given me books to read and told me a lot of interesting things about the field. All of a sudden, I started to see her as more than a counselor. I look up to her almost like a mentor. I could sit and ask her question about Forensic psychology for hours. I noticed something was different about a month ago. Every time I go in, I feel awkward, anxious,sick, nervous,just very uncomfortable. So instead of talking to her about it, I just talk about school all the time. I really do not know what it is. I know my problems are getting buried because I can't talk. I went from once a week to every two weeks now. Most people can't wait to go, I can't wait to get out of there because I am so uncomfortable. She seems to have changed as well. She reacts to me almost as if the sessions are boring her and not worth her time anymore. I have trust issues and it took a long time for me to trust her. She always reassured me that her patients decide the frequency of there visits. Then last week, she cut me to once every two weeks with not much of an explanation. So I am confused I guess and just trying to figure out how to talk to her about it. When I was a child, no matter what I did, there were always bad repercussions. So I have a tendency to shy away from talking to people in certain situations out of fear of those repercussions. If any one has any suggestions, it would be appreciated.
Thank you.

"I've only been seeing her for about 5 months so it happened pretty fast for me."-Holly

Me too exactly! Ha!Ha!

"She reacts to me almost as if the sessions are boring her and not worth her time anymore"-Tina

I am sorry you are feeling that way. I felt that way with my T awhile back. I, too, was not doing alot of talking then. Maybe they just feel we are not making any progress, so they have to change their approach? That is TOTALLY just a guess. I know I felt so hurt when I was experiencing this, but I never talked to him about it because I was so embarrassed and insecure about everything. But have you heard that saying "do as I say, not as I do?" Well,yeah- I think you should probably let your T know how you are feeling. That way you and she could figure out what is going on and what this experience has triggered for you that may(does) need to be worked through..??
I know how hard it is to talk to them sometimes-even though that is why we go, right? But, everytime I've vented on here and received the advice to just tell/ask him about whatever is bothering me, he has been SO understanding and helpful.
So, I know I am just repeating myself, but you want to get the most bang for your buck (my T said that once), so you need to try and open up a little bit so your T can help you through the stuff you're holding in--or something like that.
Hang in there...

Hi Tina

I think I can identify with this situation a bit. My first 16 weeks of therapy I said very very little, like I mean staring around the room for 45 min of each session, and answering the question "What are you thinking" with "Nothing really" and then staring at things around the room. Obviously not because I didn't have anything to talk about, it was because I was afraid to talk for some reason, and felt that my issues weren't all that special to talk about (even though I am sick about them inside). I could see in her face and actions (looking at her feet, picking her nails etc) that she was bored and annoyed that I wasn't participating, but I just couldn't do it.

One session I looked at her half way through and said "I have absolutely nothing to talk about today!" in hopes that she would try to get me started. Instead she turned to her desk, slapped my file open and said "Obviously you aren't ready for this and I think we'll close your file. You can call me to make an appointment when you feel like you are ready to participate". I broke down and bawled (I NEVER cry, let alone in front of someone) I told her that I was scared, I couldn't stop seeing her yet because if I left I would never venture to do this sort of thing again, and expressed to her how sick I felt having to miss 2 visits over the holidays (xmas/new years), even though I don't talk there I feel safe and that I HAD to be there. She at that point told me that I finally had a break through, and she knew I was scared. So she agreed that we could carry on our sessions. I told my General practitioner about this the next day and she felt that it was a tactic the P used to get me to come to a realization, and it obviously worked for me. The last 4 weeks I have been much more involved in the sessions.

So the reason I said that long story was to point out that maybe your T was getting annoyed with your lack of participation and tried a similar tactic (not as drastic as cutting you off) to see how serious you were about wanting to participate and be there. You need to talk to her and tell her how the change is bothering you, and tell her that you need/want the 1x a week session - but you need to take on the responsibility of participating more. Or like my P said, leave and come back when you are. If you are afraid to stop seeing her, tell her, and believe me, admitting it out loud to someone gives it huge validity and makes you realize that it's time to work on the issues that are eating you up inside.

I hope that helps

Holly

Hi Tina,

One thing you could do that may be a little easier than saying it all out loud is to print out your post above and let her read it. it will tell her a lot about what it going on with you and why you can only seem to talk about your school stuff.

T's will not force anyone to talk to them no matter how much we wish they would sometimes. They rarely initiate discussion topics or as pointed questions to get you talking because what they may ask about may not have anything to do with what is going on in your head and then you would just be distracted by talking about what they want to talk about not what you need to talk about.

Regular medicine is a mostly passive affair for patients but psychotherapy is the opposite. T's can't do tests or examines to get information about what it wrong and then go about fixing it for you. All they know is what you tell them. They can really only contribute as much as you do. I wish all of the time that my T would be more aggressive in getting stuff out of me, asking me more questions, bringing up topics I might have dropped a few weeks ago, etc. But she doesn't work that way. It is my job to bring stuff up even if I really, really don't want to, even if I would rather have her pull it out of me. I think I often dismiss my internal troubles because I've been told so many times that I'm not important but if someone else recognized them and brought them to light then they must matter, right? Wrong. It all matters. All of your thoughts and feelings matter. They matter to you and they matter to your T even if you can't image why. T can't look at you and determine the problem and go about fixing it like a dentist - you have to spill your guts first and believe me that is hard to do so it is ok to spill them a little at a time. Take one small risk per session if need be, and say just one thing that you've been reluctant to in the past. It really helps if you also tell them that it was hard to say and why (if you know why) because then they know that this is important for them to pay attention to.

Sometimes it helps to figure out what you are paying for each minute you are there and then how long you have to work to make the money to pay for that minute. It makes me a little mad at T sometimes but it also is a great motivator for me to take the risk because I can barely afford therapy as it is and nothing feels worse to me than when I feel I have wasted a session. Of course now it isn't so much about the money as it is about not wanting to waste any of the precious time I have with my T.

MMmmm, I love Gov't paid therapy I'm so lucky to not have to pay for it! But maybe if I was paying for it, I would force my self to get to business, because I hate spending money !

Holly

Thank you for you advice. I will talk to her about it. I know I can talk to her about anything. She has told me this on several occasions. One of the things I like about her is the fact that she is a very aggressive counselor. She always tells me ultimately the decision is mine but believe me she tells me what she thinks and I like that. Maybe I am looking at it wrong. She did tell me that I am a very competent person and I don't need her as much as I think I do. I did look at that as a compliment and told her thank you. I do trust her judgment. I will talk to her about how I feel and tell her about the transference that I am feeling. I know she will help me. Thank you again.

Hi Tina,
Just wanted to say welcome to the forums! And I think talking to your T about your feelings is a great idea. The more open you can be about how you feel the more work gets done.

AG

Hello everyone.

I went with my better judgement and talked to my t about what I was feeling. I faxed a letter to her. She said that was okay to do that. I think I had mentioned to you guys that I am a straight A student but I have really been struggling with the class I am in now. I have been under a lot of stress lately and it just all hit me a once. So along with telling my T how I felt, I also vented which she has always encouraged me to do. It took everything I had inside of me to write those words. She called me this morning. She addressed my venting. I guess she took it as a personal attack on her. She said I was personalizing everything toward her. She said our sessions are not boring to her and I have verbalized that to her on many ocassions and told everyone else in my life. I was shocked. I have never said a word to her about that. I was to afraid to. Why would she lie about that. In the letter, I told her because of school and the relationship between her field and mine, that I had started to look at her as more than a mentor than a counselor. She said she had started to become concerned that she was filling my head with things that she shouldn't and maybe getting to close. Did she apologize for this no. The T gets close to stepping over the ethical line yet it is still the patients fault. I do not get it. So she backed off and cut me to once every two weeks. I did not get much of a chance to say anything. The letter was not personalized at her. I was venting and angry at the world. She would not accept that. So I open up to her and she does not call out of concern for my treatment, she called because she felt a personal attack on herself. That is okay I understand that.She said we should talk and maybe set some boundaries and go from there. However, at this point, I have never been so humiliated and embarrassed in my life.Call me wake me up and in so many words tell me off.That is just wrong. I canceled my apointment with her on the 18th and kept the one on March 31. However, I am not going back there. I will never trust a counselor again.

Tina,

This is probably the last thing you want to hear but you HAVE to talk to her again. Maybe not face to face if that is too difficult but you have to tell her everything you just told us - especially about how her reaction to the letter has made you feel. I am so sorry that she has seemed to overreact and took things personally which isn't really what a T is supposed to do. If she was already worried about stretching a boundary with you then perhaps she was already feeling guilty and your letter triggered her. Again, T's are supposed to have control over their emotions when dealing with clients and your T may have not done such a great job with this right now but I bet that further discussion about how you feel, why you wrote the letter, and how her reaction has effected you will do a lot to move your therapy forward. It is hard and painful but you have invested so much already, try not to give up just yet.

Thank You.
I will try. When i was a child, everything I said was met with repercussion. Not good either. I open up to my T and it felt like that same repercussion. The electric fence she talked about.However, I will try.

Hi Tina...

Is your T an educator? Or is she a clinical T? Why did you start seeing her in the first place? From your earlier post, I understood that your T was something of a mentor for you.

I ask...because you and your T may have different ideas about your goals in the process. And that may explain some of the problems you are experiencing.

SD

She is a clinical psychologist. She does just about everything. Mariage counseling, one on one counseling, child counseling, sex abuse, evaluations, and she also works with sex offenders and offenders in general. She has been doing this for a very long time. I started seeing her for relationship problems. Some one I had broken up with.I did not really get to the root of my problems, until I knew I could trust her. I have always had trust issues. I had a very dysfunctional childhood and we have worked on that as well.I have studied the criminal mind all my life. I have two main interests I am pursuing in Forensic psychology. Jury consulting and evaluations of offenders.Mt T works with offenders and does do evaluations. She has a lot of knowledge and I love to learn. Because she knows a lot about the field I am going into, she has helped me a lot.

Sorry I can not spell today.

Hi Tina,

Welcome! This place is a wonderful resource for information and support. Lots of truly compassionate, insightful and experienced folk here.

I'd also like like to say "+100,000" to what HB has written above. Every word of it is right on the money.

BTW, lots of Ts appear to be "ice cubes." I know because I see one. Well, maybe not ice cube, but certainly stone-faced and distant much of the time. It bugs the hell out of me.

I'm sorry you had to experience a response to what took a hell of a lot of courage to do. I don't think I've ever heard of a therapist reacting like that. I don't know what your letter said, but it's hard to imagine her not knowing that it was all about you and not her.

At the very least, I would go and talk to her about it. See if you can work it out. If not, keep looking. I met with 4 therapists before I settled on my guy, and I'm still not sure if he's the right one, but I guess you never really know.

Anyway, welcome!
Russ

Thank you.

Actually I think I finally just stood on my own two feet for a change. I thought about it a lot. I did not agree with the things my T said when she called me on the phone. So I communicated back to her on paper and in a very diplomatic constructive way, I told her and told her what I felt. She called the next day and left a message that if I still wanted to come in the 18th that was fine or I could wait untill the 31st but to let her know. I called and told the service I would be there on the 18th. I will listen to what she has to say. I always have had a tendecy with her to do whatever she suggests, and never question her or challenge her if I think she is wrong. I am not angry with her and I got over getting my feelings hurt. However, I wont sit back and be a meek shy little rat anymore. If her and I can work this out next week and move on, that will be great. If not I will move on. Maybe this is not the right thing to do but I am a human being with feelings and counselor or not, I will not allow her to hurt my feelings like that ever again.I have been seeing her for over a year and she has never acted like this before but that does not make it right. Well I will let you all know on the 18th what happened. Thank you all so much for your advice.....

i talked last nigt about people taking stuff personally when it isn't meant so much personally. and my T says she always hears under the words and tries hard not to take it so personal. though what i sy can hurt, she knows it's not HER that i'm trying to hurt. i think you're T needs some thinking about this one. i'm very sorry her responded like that. i hope you can find a good T if you decide not to go back to her.
samy

Hi Tina,

I've been away for a while and just wanted to say a belated welcome to the forum. I hope you will find a resolution with your T. It's wonderful that you have been able to stick to yourself and keep the lines open at the same time. Such hard thing to do!

SB

Well I went to see my T today. I was shocked.It was the best session I have ever had with her. We worked through the bump in the road we had and I feel a lot better. I would go further into it but I am little emotionally drained right now. I will talk to you guys later.

Hi Tina... don't know if I welcomed you either.. so if not... welcome to the Board. Glad you found us.

It's funny how that happens sometimes... you have a session from hell and then it's followed by a really wonderful session. I think what you experienced is the repair after the disruption in the relationship. This forges new neural pathways in our brain as we learn that when there is a bump in the road of our relationships... they are not doomed and CAN be repaired and go on even better and stronger than before. When this happens with an attachment figure in our lives it makes a huge impact on us.

I'm happy you are feeling better. Share what you can when you are ready. No pressure. You need some time to process everything.

TN

I have to see my T again tomorrow. I have decided to trust her and tell her the things that really fill my life with pain instead of just telling her what I think she wants to hear. I am scared and do not know where to start. I guess just one step at a time. She has helped me with a lot of things over the last year, but now it is time to deal with my darkest fears. I will let you all know how it goes.....

quote:

will let you all know how it goes.....

Please do, Tina, Please do. I hope it goes well and that you are able to say everything you want to say. You are very brave and I hope you and your T recognize this. Good luck!

-CT