Hi Smallfry!

Welcome to the forum! Good to “meet” you 
Everything you describe individually sounds like a T who is really caring and like she has a pretty friendly style. It sounds like overall, you feel like your T is very invested in you – perhaps too much so? Perhaps in a way that feels too close for you?

By rules, do you mean the rules and boundaries in therapy? It doesn’t sound like your T is breaking any serious major “red flag” rules. At the same time, if something she does is just too close for comfort, it’s very ok to back up. It’s really healthy to listen and question that gut level feeling and try to sort out what is going on. It sounds like you are not completely running away, nor totally diving in, but trying to think this through – that’s really good.

I can really relate to not feeling safe with someone because of my own tendency to get attached very strongly. If someone tends to invest a lot in me, it can feel very scary and overwhelming… and turn out to be a very intense relationship… For me, someone showing even a small amount of kindness seems scary to me, so when someone goes out of their way to help me (as it sounds a little like you feel your T does) it can really scare me. I do feel scared of the other person, but even more, I get scared of everything I feel inside. I get scared of trusting and attaching, and being too close, and then losing it and having to go through such deep pain.

In therapy, getting attached is a good thing - even getting “too” attached. It’s supposed to be a good safe place to work that out and attach in a more healthy way. Our Ts should be able to hold good boundaries to keep the relationship therapeutic and healing, even if/when we get too attached. It’s their job actually. My old T wasn’t very good at holding such boundaries. The T I see now is. They both have done very kind things – even some of the same things you describe. My old T didn’t let me back up. She was pretty invasive of any boundary I tried to have, and I was pretty attached deeply and it was utterly confusing. I can feel the same feelings with my current T, however, my current T does let me back up, and is very respectful and kind when I say things like “I just don’t want to do texts.” Yep that same thing came up for me with both my old and current T. I thought (and said), “it’s just texts, I should be fine with it.” My current T saw as me just setting a boundary I needed and a way for me to practice taking care of me and saying what I needed in the relationship.

With my current T, when I back up, she knows that I’m feeling too close and it’s the best way I know of *right now* to manage how scary the attachment feels to me. We are now talking about how to stay in the relationship without backing up, when I want to. (Which I’m still pretty mixed up about.) But knowing I can back up, helps me stay in more. It also helps to know that my T really holds her own boundaries and never invests more than she can handle. When we have gone over on time, I usually start to apologize… and she always says, no, it’s my job to manage the time. My other T (that I see for a specialized kind of therapy) has said the same thing. It really is your T’s job to manage the time. If you go over, then you go over. If she doesn’t expect you to pay for that time, then it’s ok. It’s her job to manage those boundaries.

Do you have a hard time asking for what you need? Do you feel compelled to say yes to hugs, even when you don’t feel like it’s a good idea, when you feel like it might pull out too strong of an attachment? (no pressure to answer) I sometimes feel this way. When I do, it’s been really helpful for me to tell my T that I do. It’s also been really hard to tell her.

Ok, I’ve rambled on a bit here...Please ignore anything that is totally off the mark. Therapy is tough – and worth it. I’m glad you posted and I’m sure others will have much better input.

Welcome, smallfry. It does take a lot of courage to make the first post, but then it gets much easier. I hope you find support and comfort in coming here.

The first thing I'll like to tell you is that I had some struggles with "keeping the time" in my therapy with my first T. I would feel awful if I ran overtime. I took these feelings to him and he reassured me that keeping time was HIS responsibility and if we run over the time then it's his choice and I have done nothing wrong. Sometimes if you are in a tense spot or are very emotional a T will keep you in order for you to be grounded enough to leave the therapy room. My new T has also told me that I will never be asked to leave his office unless I am feeling okay to go back to the real world, no matter if our time is up. So please don't feel worried about HER time... it's her job to worry about that.

The other issues I would discuss with her. Tell her what you told us here. Hugs should always be discussed and the client needs to be okay with it before the T initiates something like that. Touch is very different for all of us. My oldT hugged me and shook my hand. We discussed this kind of touch before it happened and even afterwards.

The most important thing is that you feel safe in therapy and with the T. If can take a long time to develop that trust and safety but part of that is talking to T about anything that makes you feel unsafe or back away from her. That is a huge part of the therapy itself.

Good luck.
TN

thank you both for your replies both very insightful
janedoe, I know how you feel somebody brought me chocolates the other day I was absolutely speechless (it was only my sister!) I do have a hard time with people being kind you sort of think.. huh? why would you do that. I suppose I am scared that she is not really "real" if that makes sense,she's real for a hour a week but if I start to lean on her its a problem because she's not actually there I suppose I'm so used to depending on myself and scared :/
t.n. I am going to bring up the hugs thing in the next session I think and tell her a handshake will do for now.
thank you both again for your replies

Hi Smallfry,
Welcome to the forums, so glad you decided to post. I very much agree with Janedoe and TN about the time issue, that is the Ts responsibility. It is their job to keep an eye on time and end the session accordingly. So if your T is giving you extra time, you're not doing anything wrong. My T is pretty firm about time boundaries, but will run over for a really intense session or if I need a little more time to calm down.

And it can be very scary when we start having strong feelings about our therapists, especially if our experience of caregivers or authority figures has not been good. In that case, to move closer to someone can evoke an unconscious sense of danger in an attempt to "protect" ourselves. Much of the work of therapy in that case is learning to move closer so that we can learn it's not dangerous.

Please take the next thing I'm going to say with a HUGE grain of salt, as I know nothing of your background and very little of your T, just what's in this post. No single one of her actions in and of itself is a red flag. But adding up the fact that therapy is in her home, she's asking not related therapy questions in text, not sticking to time boundaries, waiving fees, and what I see as the most problematic, asking you for hugs adds up to a picture of a T without very clear boundaries. I do want to be cautious because as I said any one of these things could be an action of an therapist with very clear boundaries, it's just the overall picture that I got. Unclear boundaries can be very damaging for a client and the fact that you are feeling uncomfortable with what's going on is something I think it's important to pay attention to. Do you know how long your T has been practicing?

But I would really encourage you to bring up these issues and how you're feeling about them. For one thing, that can help you sort out if something really is going astray or if you're just getting scared because it can be scary to be in therapy. And her reaction to you talking about these things can tell you a lot about whether your therapy is about you and your feelings. If she stays non-defensive and open to discussing all your feelings around this stuff, it's a good sign that she's keeping clear boundaries.

I hope you can find support and care here; it's a good place to ask the kind of questions you're asking.

AG

The hugging would send me over the edge, but I have a huge thing about personal space and really only hug my partner. If you feel safe, then I do not see a problem. If you do not feel safe, then in my limited knowledge of both therapy and boundaries, it would seem a flag.

Hi Smallfry,

I think I would probably feel a bit wary if a therapist behaved the way you described too. I want my therapist NOT to be emotionally invested in my stuff, in fact I want her to set the boundaries and be responsible for them, so that for that hour, I don't have to be.

I have a flipside story that might make you smile. I once saw a T who I didn't really know, but who gave me some great insights and strategies and I thought wow, she really gets me. As I stood up to leave she said "great to meet you Janelle" ... not even close to being my name!

quote:

I have a flipside story that might make you smile. I once saw a T who I didn't really know, but who gave me some great insights and strategies and I thought wow, she really gets me. As I stood up to leave she said "great to meet you Janelle" ... not even close to being my name!

Welcome Supermel! This story both made me laugh and cringe at the same time. Sheesh!

Hi Supermel,
Just wanted to say welcome to the forums, and I agree with STRM (I do that alot ), you're story made me both laugh and cringe.

AG