Welcome, QC! Thank you so much for posting. I am in the middle of therapy myself, and still have a long way to go...but so many of the things you said were exactly my thoughts going into therapy, I just had to respond.

Some of my story: I started seeking therapy in winter of 2008, initially because I ran into an old boyfriend I never got over. This is something that has haunted me for a long time and I never did figure it out. The nature of it was such that I couldn't imagine anyone wanting to take the time to help me work it out. So,

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When I started therapy, I thought this [attachment] wouldn't be an issue, and I thought having someone to dump all my stuff on who wasn't involved in my life was a good thing.

Yes, that was my thinking, too. I thought that by seeing a therapist, I could be more honest because I wouldn't care what they think of me.

The first two therapists didn't work out. This issue was affecting my marriage as well, so my husband and I started seeing a third therapist for marital therapy in December 2008. After a few sessions, I asked to go back to individual therapy because I was so preoccupied by the emotional affair I was having in my mind, I couldn't even think straight enough to work on my marriage. Our therapist suggested I meet with him, and I agreed, but I immediately thought, what is he doing?

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I don't like attachments. They usually end up bad for me and I try to avoid them at all costs.

I thought, doesn't he know I'm going to get attached to him? I thought he must be either not very intelligent or perceptive, or he must have ulterior motives. Although neither of these seemed likely (first impressions were that he's extremely intelligent and ethical), I've continued to be afraid of this for a long time, despite LOTS of evidence to the contrary.

I've spent many sessions trying to avoid getting attached, focusing on only the issues (thoughts and feelings about the old relationship and/or those for my marriage), partly to show him I could "handle" therapy and remain unattached (you might hear some of the other members of this board laughing at this point) .

The "bad" news is, I became attached anyway. The real good news is, that it is supposed to happen. I posted in another thread earlier today, explaining how after 8 months, I'm finally ready to begin to start thinking about trusting him.

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How attached to your therapist should you be?

From what I've heard from others on this board, I will get as attached to my therapist (or "T") as I need to in order to heal. So there is no one right answer. We each have unique needs.

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I think its because I am afraid of becoming attached to her.

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But now I am afraid if I do tell her more personal things that I would become attached to her, and I don't want to. How can you not when you are sharing your most personal details? How can you not develop some sort of closeness to someone when you share things you have never said to anyone before?

Of course you will get attached. You probably already are. And that's supposed to happen, it needs to happen.

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And If I do become attached, what will I do when its over?

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How do you navigate through this type of relationship without ending up devastated in the end?

I've also been worried about this. Assuming that you have a competent T, they will be the one to help you through it. If this is hard for you to imagine, I don't blame you...it is for me, too. My T actually told me once that he will help me through this attachment, but I've been wondering: How is he going to help me "get over" him, when he's the one I'm attached to? Obviously, I'm not there yet, but I've received tons of hope from others on this board who have gone through it, and according to them, this is exactly what happens.

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I am the type of person who does not trust people easily and tend to keep people at arms length. But once your in (happens rarely), your in and I can't just throw you out. I am very scared and confused. I thought therapy would be so much different. I thought it would be more of a business relationship, friendly but distant. But it doesn't seem that is the way its going to be necessarily and I am not sure what to do about it.

When I first started therapy, I read everything I could get my hands on about therapy, in order to AVOID getting attached. I was stunned to find out that getting attached is basically a requirement. So yes, therapy is WAY different than I thought it would be.

I really hope you decide to continue your therapy. So many times I've reluctantly gone back for "just one more" session, planning to quit if I didn't feel somewhat better afterward...and I'm still going. Even more importantly, I've found out some of the real reasons I need therapy. Running into the old boyfriend was just the trigger that got me there. It's like I've always wondered why I'm this way, or why such-and-such keeps happening, or why I can't stop feeling a certain way...and it's in the relationship, the "attachment" to my therapist, where the answers are starting to come. And I've heard that it's in the relationship where I'll learn new ways to think and behave.

I'll stop for now...I'm so glad you decided to join in here!
SG

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when

Hi SG - Thank you so much for your thoughts. I also read about therapy before I went. I thought I had done my research. I found lots of stuff about boundries and how your therapist is NOT your friend. I guess I completly missed (or didn't want to aknowledge) the whole attachment thing. I tried to be prepared. I wanted someone to take me seriously and know I was serious about what I wanted to accomplished. I was all about getting to work and leaving the feelings out if it. I didn't need/want the romper room BS, but maybe its unavoidable. This therapy stuff is so NOT what I had in mind. But I guess one thing is good... I asked for her help, and she is trying real hard to give it. I didn't know accepting it would be so hard.

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Hi HB - Thank you so much for your thoughts. Please don't think I am stupid, but what your saying (both of you actually) Is that I am supposed to become attached, and then I am supposed to TALK about it with her (my therapist) so she can help me with it? UGH. My heart dropped into my stomach when I read your post. This endeavor is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. They should put a warning about therapy on their business card about all of this stuff.

Thank you both so much for replying. I am so glad that I found this message board to ask these questions.

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I was all about getting to work and leaving the feelings out if it. I didn't need/want the romper room BS, but maybe its unavoidable. This therapy stuff is so NOT what I had in mind. But I guess one thing is good... I asked for her help, and she is trying real hard to give it. I didn't know accepting it would be so hard.

Hi QC
Welcome to the forums! I SO remember feeling that way, could we just do the work and leave the emotions out of it. I once told my first T that emotions are yucky! But unfortunately, emotions are what therapy is sometimes all about. One of the things we're supposed to learn as children from our attachment figure is how to handle our emotions and regulate our systems. If we didn't have a secure attachment as kids, we need to form an attachment with our T to learn it now. But because I didn't know what to do with my emotions, I avoided them for years and compensated by making all about my left brain and thinking my way through. But that can lead to all kind of problems because although we shouldn't let our feelings run our life, they do provide really valuable information about how we're living and our capcity to engage life fully. My T and I have discussed on a number of occassions (think VERY large number) that is this was just about understanding facts, he could have handed me a book when I walked through the door and said "have a nice life." But its not, it's about staying with our feelings, experiencing them while with another person who can help us to contain them.

And the accepting part is so hard because I learned a long time ago not to look to anyone else to take care of me. At a minimum I was disappointed, at the worst I got hurt.

I know it's really hard, but I do want you to know you're not the only one to feel this way about therapy.

AG

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They should put a warning about therapy on their business card about all of this stuff.

yep! they ought to! my T says it's a good thing to open me heart to her, and that helps it heal. but it ends up that i love her. i'll write more on this later k
samy

I too have quite a bit of trouble in this area. I told the T- my T that I don't do dependency. I was feeling scared that I was becoming dependent on him, his response was that in my case being dependent was ok for a while and that through that , I will grow. I did not agree, but I tried it. He has been very supportive. It seems as though I am practicing on him. This practice is allowing me to form friendships- attachments to others without feeling so threatened. My relationship with my T is changing. Sometimes we are close and sometimes- not so much. This used to SCARE me, but now even though I am pulling away- (dealing with not so nice -immature me)I know he is always there for me. I think (not sure though) that the relationship is supposed to change as we grow. Sometimes close- too close, (too attached)and sometimes more independent. this is guess work- and my experience with it.
h