The big thing right now is that I no longer email my T, so I'm pretty much disconnected from him, since that was my main avenue of communication with him, since our sessions are fairly infrequent by maybe, some people's standards. (every 3 or 4 weeks generally speaking, sometimes we manage to make them every two weeks)
The break between sessions is feeling reeeeeaaaaly long, now that we have no email contact. I was used to emailing him about three times a week, sometimes, daily. Finally yesterday we had a session, and he called me just to say that he was too sick to give me a session. So, I have to wait another week.
In the interim, i have had a lot of unavoidable personal contact with my SD, who is my spiritual counselor and also minister, (priest) which is emotionally wonderful/terribly confusing. He is eminently professional and quite removed- no special treatment there- everone is special to him, truly. He has no idea about how transference can play out in an individaul like myself, so fortunately he is probably unaware of how *important* he has become to me. It wouldn't be good (for him) if he knew. I suspect he has feelings for me that he himself is unaware of, but that is possibly just a projection or a (weird) hope from the past. Or, alternately, he is aware of all of this and his care and concern and fatherly-ness is *purposeful.*
So, yesterday, I was supposed to have a session with my T who I have these *real* transference feeling for. Hm I wonder if my feelings for SD are transfered feeling from T!!...my T calls up, and I say hello, how are you?
T replies: "No very good!" He had some terrible headache...and said he did not feel he would be able to give me "what I need" or be focused enough for the session. He seems in no hurry to hang up- but I am thinking T pleas hang up and go rest. I wonder if I give him a headache? He says it is good I emailed him some stuff after our last session- stuff about my past, that we had agreed on that I would email, and that he read it, and said there is a lot of "deep stuff" and that he is very glad I sent it. then he say: "I can try, but I have this sort of foggy-ness and headache, so mayb it owuld be better for you if we reschedulae" I just wanted T to rest, gosh, I can't stand it- please just go rest. Eventually we rescheduylae for next week sometime, He hung up. hmmm I guess I am confused and I email quick one line to T next day, just to see is he ok? He said yes he is now ok, and nice of me to ask! I am just confused, since he used to would have said, I am not supposed to hav enay concern for him, but now he is ok with me having concern for him. Weird.
Therpay is weird. I just don't know about it anymore. How can I love so much, someone I pay so much money too, and never will see in RL? I know it's not ideal, or has problems. I just don't know anymore. Just struggling with therapy....lately. Was easier in ways when I could email T. Now it's like, no relationship.
So that's ehre I am and hope it's ok. Getting through the days...
Love,
Blackbird
