My update is that I am still with "Cowboy T." I had a bit of a bump when I realized that he would not support any attachment I might form to him, and that his aim in therapy is certainly not to foster that kind of thing. It really threw me for a loop. But then I realized that what I have with him is just a really good, solid relationship of support. I can bring anything into that room, because he doesn't scare me, and I feel like I'm on equal footing with him. So it's working out for me.
I'm still struggling with overpowering feelings that come out of nowhere for my old "Guru T." It can be quite agonizing at times, and Cowboy has been through a lot of that with me. Last night he told me that he thinks the powerful attachment I still have to old T is because of things that are missing in my relationship with my H (basically, any sense of attachment to him at all) that old T provided in some way, by allowing such a deep emotional connection at times. I think Cowboy is really careful not to provide stuff that I need to find elsewhere- but he is neither cold or withdrawn. In fact, he even hugged me back after I had a really rough session. I won't say it had no affect on me, because it did have some effect, but it was more like a sense of having a moment of connection with someone. I wondered if having hugged him for comfort was some kind of deal-breaker, but he was the same as always this week. I still do not feel any attachment to him, beyond a kind of friendly respect and banter- and feeling of it being good to have a place where I can be myself with someone, since he doesn't have anything to lose. He's a good guy, but he doesn't feel "stronger or wiser" to me- he's just a good person to bounce things off of, and he cares, but I could never hurt him so it's safe to be me..without having to carefully monitor everything that comes out of my mouth in order to avoid being insensitive or offensive.
My big problem is that I'm wondering how long I should stick with this therapy- since for me, it's an odd thing- a place to be me for a little while, where I don't really care what the other person thinks of me so I can be free- but isn't giving me tons of insight, really, or huge ability to change or be vulnerable since there are certain things in my marriage that I am powerless to change and really have to find a way to just live with. I'm wondering if it's possible/acceptable to continue to go to therapy indefinitely as a place to "just be." To find myself within the context or another person being there, reacting? Something. It's like if you were married to an amputee, and went to somebody else for hugs? A bit like that. It's really painful to have to pay for that kind of interaction, but I find that I am simply not able to open up on that honest a level with friends or my spouse, since I feel that it is wrong to expect that of anyone without "compensating" them for having to listen to me- in some way. Thus- therapy. Yeah, I pretty blatantly am paying someone to have time to take an interest in me, since I can't find it in me to just randomly talk about my feelings or experiences with someone- it literally feels selfish and yucky to expect someone to listen to my sob stories for "free." With guru T it felt selfish even though I was paying him, so maybe this is progress. haha.
Has anyone ever had any success moving past this? I find I must be using therapy as a place to be in control of the realtionship- I'm paying, I can leave any time, and I don't have strong feelings for my T. It feels pretty utilitarian in ways. Maybe it's a control thing on my part- I don't have to risk getting hurt again or being vulnerable to him, I suppose. I just don't know how to get past this. My problem is that I get hurt too easily in relationships, and I just don't bother trying anymore. yarg. I'm wondering if therapy is helping or hindering growth for me...maybe I'm just using it as a way to avoid having to be vulnerable in relationship. I feel like such a cold person, after what happened with Guru T. It just feels like I have no warmth left for others, unless they are "weaker" than me, or I can find a way to be "on top." Not in a mean way- but as a way to be a "nice person."
So I'm just throwing this out there..wondering if anyone has any insights or advice for me...
hugs to all of you- I really do think of you all with care-
Love,
Beebs