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Hello, New Here

M moonshadowMember
Hello everyone, I just joined this forum after searching for information on abandonment issues. After much reading of other people's stories, and issues, I feel much of my "problems" in life are the result of abandonment that happened as a young child, and I'm really just looking for support and ideas on what I can do to fix these issues.

I am 27yrs old. First off, lets just start by saying I do not know my father. I know nothing about him, I don't know his name, and to my knowledge I have never met him. My mother has never been very open to talking about anything personal so I've never been able to really talk to her about this. When my brother and I (we are twins) were young my mother had a boyfriend that was in and out of jail. I really don't recall exactly how old we were, but when we were roughly 5-6 yrs of age my mom and her boyfriend packed up what they cool and left us behind, they moved several states away. We lived with my grandparents (moms parents). My mom was gone for 2yrs. When she came back we visited with her, but we remained living with my grandparents. I did move back in with my mom when I started High School, but my brother never did move back in with her, though we never really got along real well.

It just still upsets me to this day, right now as I am typing this.. just thinking that both parents left you... for whatever reason, chose someone else over you, their kid.

Now I live alone, I'm on my own, I moved away 4yrs ago, a few states away to get out on my own and do my own thing. For the most part I think I'm happy, but I think I have serious abandonment issues that are holding me back. As I said above, I'm 27yrs old, and in that time I've only ever been one serious relationship. The others have really just been more casual, or things that just lasted a week or two until I couldn't put up with the guy anymore and pushed him away. I just have a hard time really trusting guys, and I can't get past it. There are so many times I've felt like I wanted a relationship but then when I do get into one, soon as the guy starts to get more serious about it, I just push them away. On top of that, I have a hard time getting emotionally connected with someone, and having close contact. I just get very uncomfortable when someone is in my own personal space. I just don't know what to do. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, as I am a very private person, its hard for me to come right out and talk about these things with anther person, I just have a hard time opening up and sharing what I am feeling.

I don't really know how to deal with these issues so maybe I can move past this, and move on.....
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strummergirlstrummergirlMember
Welcome to the forum, MoonShadow, and thanks for introducing yourself. Your story really touched a chord in me. I understand the pain of parents leaving, of choosing someone else over you. My mother was a practicing alcoholic until I was 12, and for reasons well beyond my control, she resented having me and I felt it. When she got sober, I thought it would be different, but then she got divorced from my dad and moved in with another guy. Leaving us with our dad who we were told only wanted us (I have 3 younger siblings) so he wouldn't have to pay her child support. I had my first, and only, serious relationship around this time too, only to be abandoned by him as well.

For many years I lived alone, too, and was very lonely because I avoided getting too attached. Now I am married with two children and am really struggling with intimacy, which is why I finally started therapy.

There is much on this forum about attachment and abandonment issues...it is my hope that I can work on these in therapy. My recent attempt at therapy seemed to be going well, but then unfortunately derailed...but I did learn a lot, and I'm drawing much strength and hope from the folks on this board while I regroup and prepare to try again. I hope you will keep posting and I'm really glad you had the courage to reach out. Smiler

SG
M moonshadowMember
Strummergirl, thanks for the reply.

So far from what I have read on here, this seems like a great place. I really hope I can learn from the people here and get more strength with trying to deal with this.

As I said in my first post. I moved away from my family about 4yrs ago. I live about 6 hrs from them now, by myself. I really felt I needed to do this, to get out on my own, because of other things.

Like I said, I moved back in with my mom when I started High school (age 15 or so) and lived with her until I moved out at 23. We never really got along well, for obvious reasons. I think we get along better from a distance. I've only gone back up to where I'm from to visit family twice in these 4 yrs. However, they have been here a couple times as well. I always think I'm doing well, but every time I either have to go back "home" or they are coming here I start getting stressed and upset about it all, and in the past this has affected day to day life and even my job.

As far as relationships go, they have been few and far between. The last relationship was about a year ago, and the guy was really sweet and caring, but just came off as way to clingy or needy and after a while that just made me mad and I finally pushed him away. It didn't even upset me at all, though I fear that I probably hurt him more than I know. I think I would like to find a real relationship, because the idea of spending life alone doesn't seem appealing, but at the same time I just have a hard time getting close to someone and really trusting them. I don't even have any real close friends either. Just acquaintances mostly.

The funny thing is, my twin brother, who obviously went through the same things is totally the opposite. He has been married now for 1yr, been in that relationship for about 5-6 yrs now, always had lot of friends and people around and just acts like nothing happened. I guess everyone deals with things differently.

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