Just some encouragement from me on the sharing the T thing. I share a T with my husband. He started going every week last year for a HUGE trauma related to his recently-diagnosed sexsomnia (Google it if you have questions, because I don't think I'm supposed to explain it in this section). I started seeing his T in September, at T's request (for hubby's sake at first). At first we were both going every other week, then T said he would like to see me every week and would I be willing? :/ Anyway, occasionally things do come up in counseling, but he never cross-pollinates information, but doesn't ignore the fact that we are both seeing him either. It has actually been really helpful, because I don't have to go to great lengths explaining what H is like when that trauma is in the mix of the topics we are discussing. Occasionally, I do get paranoid they are talking about me behind my back. For example, I kind of dissociated while driving and had a car accident in my carport while H was on a business trip to France. I explained to H that I had been upset and distracted and he assumed I was bawling while driving and called T to ask what the hell T was doing to his previously stable, well-put-together wife and get reassurance about T's approach. That really pissed me off, but I let both of them know that anything regarding my treatment needs to involve ME. Anyway, excepting that one issue, my only problem is feeling like I need to share EVERYTHING I tell T with H in order to preserve our emotional intimacy, but H doesn't not feel the need to do the same with me. So, I occasionally feel left out. That said, the benefits way outweigh the those minor irritations. And those sort of problems can be prevented if you think ahead enough to have that boundaries conversation, the three of you, before your husband starts going.

Welcome back BB!!!

Thanks all of you- it is nice to hear from, and in some cases meet you!

UV, nice to see you. guess we are fellow check-inners-and-outers, lately.
Sorry everyone.

Yakusoku, thanks for the input. Glad to hear that your T doesn't cross-pollinate and that it's working for you. I'm not sure if I will be able to have individual sessions anymore. that's pretty up in the air. Guess we'll have to see.

BG- nice to see ya!

Permafrost- hi! yeah, did we meet briefly? Anyway, thanks for your support. Id on't think I'll find another one like this, no. It's also difficult because it means more than just the one-onone time- I have alot of contact with him because he is my priest, so there is a lot of outside time not to mention services spent in the company of eachother and other parishioners. It's a fmaily that's losing it's father.

I'm glad I still have my T, although I can tell that the focus has shifted and that I will be losing the special one-on-one relationship I had with him, at least for some time. I'm very sad about it all, but it is the way it has to be. Thank you for the support-

Much love to all-

BB

Hi, Liese- crossposted with ya! Nice to see you!

BB

quote:

I would really have to give up individual sessions with my T, since my h is not willing to make this a major monetary investment. So it's a bit stuck feeling. Plus I have to say that the guilt of knowing that my h needs individual sessions and that I should really give up mine so that he can have them, if we were to makes such a monetary investment.

Beebs... nice to see you posting again and thanks for the update.

I need to ask you why you are being asked to give up YOUR sessions... something that was for you and for your benefit that would down the line benefit your family so that your dh can have his therapy? I think it is wrong of your T or your dh to ask you to sacrifice this thing that has meant SO much to you. You finally have somethiing that is yours and your time and your opportunity to help yourself and to feel better and to find the real BB inside. In my opinion, I think you should hold onto your individual therapy because of the good for you that will come out of it and then spill onto your family.

I guard my therapy time like a lioness protecting a cub. I give so much everywhere else in my life to everyone else that this is MY time and I need it and it helps me. This is something I do for myself.

I can see how sad you are about giving up your own sessions and I think there is a grief there that needs to be addressed if you go ahead and do this. Unless I'm very wrong and you are okay with this... in which case just ignore my post. Have you discussed with your T how this is making you feel?

BTW, I'm also so sorry this is happening while you are losing your SD. This also may be something for your to talk about with your T.

I realize you feel your dh needs therapy and money is tight. Is it possible for him to see a T somewhere for a minimal fee at a clinic or mental health service?

Please understand I say all of this out of concern for you and any suffering giving up your therapy may cause you. I know your T means a lot to you and you are a good person who always puts others first. I just want you to see that BB is very important too.

Many hugs to you
TN

BB,

I'm sorry to hear that. I agree that you shouldn't have to completely sacrifice your therapy, though. Our finances are in such a state that I thought I was going to have to give mine up and despite regularly begging to quit when I'm scared about how trusting/dependent I'm becoming, I started panicking. My husband was like, "Yeah, go ahead and quit and join a community group at church instead." It took that for me to realize it was NOT the same and I needed that time (although I still do occasionally want to run away from it). I was ready to sell a vehicle or even find a new client (I've watched a little girl for 18-months now, all but the first month of her life & she's like my part-time kid and a part-time sister for my daughter) who could pay more just to reduce our expenses so I could stay. I think it's important to admit to everyone involved how important your individual sessions are for you. Maybe T can work with you financially or you can do alternating weeks or check in via email as others have said. If you are like me, it will be just one on a list of things you gave up for someone else, reiterating neglect you don't deserve!

I'm spiritually-oriented too and I have found that God uses those opportunities where I am most alone to remind me of His presence and sufficiency. I'll be praying that you can really know you're being held in His arms and also that you, your T and H will sense right direction to take for this therapy journey.

thank you so much for the support- I still feel the love when I come here, all of you are wonderful.

TN- thank you so much I can just hear your protectiveness coming through your post, and it means a lot to me. It's making me think- the reality is that I really wouldn't have to give up my individual sessions, I realize. I could find a way- like yakusoku, I could find and evening job or some way to cover the cost, or I could simply tell my husband it's absolutely neccessary- adn he would certainly let me have at least a couple a month, good for the family or not- since I wear the pants around here, sadly. But we are in such a state financially that therapy is very difficult to pay for as it is. I have to weigh the need carefully against the need of my family. Still- there must be something else going on inside, and I'm going to have to think carefully about what that is. I think it might be that I have some kind of interior sense that things are shifting, and even though little me is fighting against that tooth-and-nail, there is another part of me that wants to see where it goes...I could always go back when significnat progress has been made in marital therapy, enough to taper off those sessions, and reopen individual ones- my T's door is always open to me, that has been made pretty clear, although I still panic from time to time about him thinking I'm a namby-pamby wimp for still giving into my need for his help. That being said- I find myself in a very similar psychological situation as AG did when she contemplated leaving therapy, only in my case, it seems more directed towards "will I have the emotional strength to let my T help with my marriage, which may very well place me in the position of not needing him as much, or even, dissolving the transference should my husband and I fall in love as a result" I wonder if I'm grappling with some kind of interior temptation to just keep using my T, whom I have such a deep affection for that it would be very difficult to put myself in situation of stop needing him as much- instead of let my T help my husband to be a better husband...does that make sense? So I want to see where it takes me. Even if marital therapy is successful and my husband and I draw emotionally and physically more strength from eachother as a result- or at the least, my H learns how to let me be who I am and have my boundaries- I recognize that I still have work left to do with my T- I do. My T even told my husband that it will be very difficult for him to help me within the marital dynamic we find ourselves in, and that we have to try to fix that before we continue our work. I guess curious me wants to go with my impulse on this, even though it is causing me great pain. Is that crazy, self-punishing behavior? because if that's the case then clearly I am making the wrong decision, and should just cough up the extra dough somehow or other. I am confused. But, TN, I really appreciate the reminder, that I should try to find a way to talk to my T about all of these feelings and confusion, otherwise I am likely to put it quietly away, where it may cause serious problems later. I think you for such a thought-provoking and supportive response to me.

Monte- thank you as always for your deep insight into matters like this. Yes, it is a blow to lose my SD. It's not abandonment pain, pr se- since he doesn't want to go, but has no choice. My fears on that score are quite personal in nature- I am afriad that because my SD who has become more a father to me than my own ever was is going, I will fall back into a faithless and despairing spiritual abyss that I found myself in before he came along. I really rely on his permissions to do certain things within the structure of my faith that I normally can't do because of self-hatred, if that makes any sense. I don't want to get specific. It's not going to be easy, because *I really do* need him. Thanks for the encouragement to post!

Yakosoku- Thank you for the thoughts, and support. I guess what I said above to TN applies to your response too. And I appreciate the feedback very much...everyone has given me serious food for thought, and I'm thinking what I may do, if I can't handle it- is just ask for a monthly individual session at the very least for stuff that comes up. AReg. It's just hard no matter how I look at it or try to deal with it! I have to keep reminding myself that everything that happens in therapy and the decisions we make around it *is* the therapy. It's just this time someone really important to us *sees* our struggle and knows what we are going through.

affectionately,

BB

I really find myself agreeing that talking to your T before making the decision is probably the best way to go. If you are able to be as open with him concerning all your confusion, concerns, conflicting desires and financial worries, I see pretty much one of two things happening:

-He is able to help you see a compromise or solution that may not be apparent.

-He is able to ask you the questions to help you clarify your needs and motives and allow you to make a decision from a less fearful place.

If you're like me, this is difficult to hear, but no matter what happens, you're not "stuck" with the decision you make. If you're struggling with whatever schedule you work out or even with having to share your safe place with H, you have a right to change your mind. I tend to be rigid and think tending to my own needs before I have taken care of everyone else is unforgivable. I keep trying to approach every relationship, including my relationship with God, with such purity of motivation and sacrifice of identity...and that doesn't work if we're trying to come in spirit and in truth. Something I wrote to my T when I felt I was actually "getting" it last week:
I feel safe approaching Jesus from just where I'm at and surrendering all pretense of "pure" motivations, realizing that everyone who has ever come to Him has carried their brokenness to the cross. People seek Him because they need something that no one else can provide (healing, understanding, forgiveness, ultimately The Way). Everyone who approaches does so with expectation, with either an expressed or implied question or request...and no one has ever succeeded in doing it in the manner of preparedness to which I keep (unconsciously) aspiring without even recognizing. It is impossible. I'm broken, needy, immature, selfish...and so what? A good "so what?" If Jesus (or anyone) chooses to meet, love, care for and carry me in that reality, why am I struggling against it?

Basically, what I'm saying here is perhaps you're struggling with trying to be who you think you should be or who you project others believe you should be or even how God says He designed us to be (but we know we cannot). But if you take a good look at God, He has always demonstrated interest in who we ARE, rather than who we should be. Those who tried to approach on the basis of "should be" were unable to draw near. It's who we ARE that must approach him to be loved, to be washed, to be made whole. And if we are trying to deny who we are, we are denying Him the opportunity to bring healing to those parts of us we cannot ourselves accept, and denying ourselves access to what our journey with Him has to offer by leaving those parts stranded on the side of the road.

I really struggle with this, because I want to present to Him only those things I can consider to be sufficient from my broken, human perspective. I abuse the "less perfect" parts rather than submit the reality of myself to Him...and that is not coming in spirit and truth. My T is working with me to let go of that stubborn part of me that desperately wants to be sufficient, to qualify for Christ's sacrifice. As T reminds me, it is our disqualification (and here I think he means embracing the truth of our brokenness, selfishness, inability to come to Him on any other terms than total grace) that IS our qualification. Please do not hear judgment here, because I often hear it as T telling me just another way I am failing. It is meant to be liberation.

Approaching God in the truth of your need for individual therapy may not mean that you ultimately don't end up, in faith, sacrificing it. But what that sacrifice will mean and how it will play out in your journey for growth and healing may be very different if you allow yourself to feel, accept and share the burden of your need...and to mourn that "death" of your own plans. God is totally OK with you needing your T, and He is also OK with you being hurt or angry about the idea of surrendering that need. But if you just do what is "right" without really exploring those feelings, how will the true Counselor come and comfort your soul? For all you know, He has for you to be right where you are for now (and that is something to prayerfully consider). But wherever God means for you to be for the time being, I'm sure He does not intend you to suffer in fear of acknowledging to yourself or expressing to Him and others what is really within your heart. It feels like failure, I know, but it is actually the opposite. It is the truth that sets us free, not our ability to perform or conform of our own effort, which is probably why that statement was given to the Pharisees, who created rigid boundaries to avoid sin at the cost of hardening their hearts toward the message of grace. I REALLY struggle with this, as I said, so maybe this doesn't relate to you and I'm projecting my own issues. But, I'm hoping there is something in there you can relate to and I'm not just making things worse...still praying!

Thanks for your deep thoughts- I appreciate all the input. There certainly is a lot to ponder in what you wrote.

I guess I don't really feel this particular switch in my therapy so much as a big spiritual sacrifice- type thingy though, like I'm a martyr for my marriage or something- if I'm honest- it's more something that I'm trying to explore and see where it goes...I'm not so selfless that I would give up my individual therapy in favour of marriage counseling if I didn't somehow feel capable of doing that for a time. My T is the catalys in being able to make this decision. He never makes decisions for me or tells me what to do, but in this case he has kind of put his foot down and said that this is *really* neccessary. And I am grateful for that, since it *is* so impossible for me. And if I thought it was a permanent solution and I wouldn't get to meet my T alone again ever- you can bet that I'd be digging my heels in and fighting it more. I guess I've wondered about the possibility of falling in love with my spouse. We have a pretty damaged relationship. We can talk but there is no respect or intimate love between us. I wondered if my T could somehow bring that about for us, so that life isn't so intolerable without my T. I wonder how it would be to have the kind of relationship with my spouse where he is a grown up and someone that I can trust with my person...who will not use me to gratify his own needs for acceptance, but in needing acceptance from me will be able also to give it..something like that. There is some kind of big huge boundary issue between my spouse and I, that makes it *impossible* for me to have any respect at all for him, and that hurts in me. It's hard to explain. And I notice a powerful tendency in myself to say "screw my H- I just want my T, I like him better, I'll let him fill my needs" That's what I'm trying to deal with inside, I guess, without disregarding the very real and powerful and neccessary relationship that I have with my T. But it's just really difficult. I feel like I promised my H something and I owe it to him to give it my best shot regardless of how screwed up he is and I am, or regardless...of circumstances and strong feelings that I have for my T. Bottom line- my T is the only one I trust to help sort out my marriage problems, but because of transference and the rage I feel towards my spuse at times, it's sticky and confusing to go there. I'm thinking I just need to ride the next couple of months out, and see where we end up- but I've already sent 2!!! emails to my T since Tuesday, and can't help feeling like he must be utterly disgusted with me. I always have some life-or-death crisis it seems. I find myself in the situation of being a de facto therapist to a lot of people- for some reason people seem to approach me that way in my real life, and that puts me in some sticky situations as well, that I'm not always equipped to handle. I don't know. I guess I'm just blathering on right now. sorry about that, I didn't really address anything you said I don't think, maybe I just need more time to process it...

peace,

BB

BB - No worries. I don't even know much about your spirituality, so I couldn't say if it would connect to you. For all I know, that was as much about me writing something I still need to accept, although the intent was to share something that might b e helpful.

I understand your dilemma about H and T. I actually have a really good relationship with H, considering I what I thought was going to happen a year ago. But H can be so detached and judgmental when it comes to my feelings that while I don't have any sort of erotic transference with my T, I sometimes get those, "Why did I have to choose ANOTHER person who doesn't value or validate my feelings instead of someone more like Dr. ...?" And lately, H has been trying to spend more time with me (which he used to outright call me needy for asking for), and I don't want it. I'd rather write a journal entry and share it with my T. I force myself, sometimes painfully, to share with H everything going on with me in therapy (he does not do the same), because I worry about the damage to our emotional intimacy as I start to need T more. And, if I let it go too far, I worry it will become the other sort of transference, which I had with some teachers/mentors/counselors as a teen. Anyway, I guess I'm saying I relate to those feelings, especially if H is still wounding you. It's one thing to agree to do the work to keep your marriage alive, but quite another thing to ask yourself to risk loving, to risk vulnerability, again when that person is often not even trying to realize or accomplish their part of the equation. I know you think your T is disgusted, but I highly doubt it. It sounds to me like he cares for and gets you! I bet (and hope) kindness, encouragement and guidance is what you will receive when you hear back.

BB,

I just wanted to say that it is so good to see you back around here! I'm sorry to hear about your SD and T issues. I'm a bit short on words at the moment, but wanted to say it was good to have you here. ((hugs))

beebee!!!
good to see you!
will come back to write more later - super zonked, but wanted to say hi!
~jd

((BB))

It is good to see you posting again. I'm sorry your SD is leaving. I wish you luck with your marital therapy and your continuing but changing relationship with your T.

di

STRMS, JD- incognito!! How are you my friends? Thanks for the welcome...that's really kind of you.

Yakusoku- just wanted to comment on one thing you said:

"And lately, H has been trying to spend more time with me (which he used to outright call me needy for asking for), and I don't want it."

I went through similar transformation. At the beginning of our marriage, I was very, very needy, and my h tried his best, but I could tell he was kind of disgusted with me. Now the tables have completely turned. Weird. He is the needy one, and I feel yucky about that, and I just feel completely empty, like I couldn't care less about him or this marriage- except on an intellectual, *this is the right thing to do* level. I feel close to him in a friendshippy way at times, but there is absolutely nothing between us in terms of spousal love. Which infuriates him. sigh. T gets all of this and is trying to help...it's interesting to me, because in first session I felt like a fly on the wall, and I was totally in intellectual mode most of the time, just laughing at the oddness of hearing my h argue with my T over basic things like boudaries and common respect. He thinks my T is crazy and a complete idiot, for saying things like "you shouldn't just hug her if she doesn't want a hug just because you do- you should *ask* for a hug, since you are the one who wants it" My h thinks this kind of thing is ridiculous and childish. I'm not feeling the love from him, or for him if the truth be told. I hope your situation works out...like you, I used to share *everything* that was going on with me in therapy with my h, even the transference because that is mostly paternal feelings. Now I don't tell him anything anymore. I do share about my spiritual direction because that tends to be less intimate, and more intellectual in terms of routing out some of the negative self-beliefs- but that is something I recently discovered that I'd better not do, or he will use that against me in a kinda unconscious covert way to try and get what he wants without having to change his own way of relating, and keep his basic view of himself as the problem-free person in the marriage.. yuck. I wonder if I'm as selfish as he is and I just can't see it? I'm sure when the time comes my T will be alerting me to that, too- and I dread it, because for some reason I can't take the slightest criticism even though I know positively I'm a jerk.

where is love?

BB

BB - I'm really lucky my marriage is in as good of shape as it is. But, I think part of that so far has been my innate dissociation of the hurt of last year's trauma, which I had to do in order to function and still be Mommy to my toddler. T has said recently the wound seems to be rising to the surface, and it seems like as a result, it is taking real effort to be there for H. We still have a very close friendship (which was necessary for me, because my isolation makes him just about my only close friend). I still trust him immensely, all things considered, because he is the type who is almost always brutally honest. But I just don't want to be close.

I want to hold myself back and keep part of me for myself, which is something I have never done in my life (with anyone). I am starting to get involved in other activities and thinking about taking classes just for fun and doing stuff for me I haven't done in years. Taking joy in sacrificing is one of the ways I learned to be OK under some pretty ridiculous demands as a child. At the same time, H was the only one who I ever felt I could even show I HAD needs, even if he was a jerk about them.

And then this trauma happened (and it's so hard to make anyone understand about it without saying it, but I fear the story would be way too triggering for people even though it involves a medical condition). And through that trauma, I realized some hurtful stuff about our whole relationship and I can't look at him the same. I should have realized it before, but he has been my only partner EVER, so I really had no basis for comparison.

I guess I want to want to be close to him (the same way I feel about God, my parents, etc. at times). But I don't feel like I can relate to H with tenderness anymore, because the safety isn't there. I feel like I've moved him over to the classification of people who I can only interact with on the terms of expecting and accepting being taken advantage of. It's not on purpose and I don't want to see him this way. However, instead of feeling good about giving/sacrificing to him, it makes me feel so heavy. I almost have to put myself into a victim/masochistic mentality to accept being with him, especially in intimacy.

I have talked a little bit to him about this, as much as I could do so without being brutal, but I don't think he gets it clearly. And, lately I just keep hurting him with it and I'm really starting to hate myself for that. The worst part is several times a day, I am switching from idealizing him (because he really has been so much better to me than any of my close relationships) and completely devaluing him for hurting me so badly, some of which he had absolutely no control over...

Ugh, as if my parental issues weren't problematic enough. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent and relating to me. It makes getting close to T so much scarier, because if he bails or screws up some how, H would be my go to guy to help me through that...and I'm not able to let him be that right now.

PS - Of course, when I initially went to reply to this thread, H wanted to spend time together and all I wanted was to write about how I was feeling and go take a nap...but I watched show and snuggled him like he asked and went to nap after that instead. I feel so guilty that I found it to be a draining experience, like, "How long do I have to do this so I can meet enough of his needs that I have permission to go meet my own?"

Hi, Yak, sorry it took me awhile to get back. It just sounds to me like you are starting to have some boundaries and it isn't sitting well with you, you don't know how to express those needs to your h without feeling guilty- maybe. But I don't know. Anyway, I encourage you, keep talking to your T. Especially about the worry about having to take on a victim mentality in order to be able to relate. I deal with that in the intimacy department too, and I've never had the courage to really talk about it with my T. Instead I've given up on intimacy for that and for so many other reasons, not least of which are confusion related. I hope you soon find some resolution.

BB

Yeah, I worry about what it's doing to me. Don't know if you read that I had an experience that felt like a flashback without an actual memory, and I felt like I was being assaulted and H didn't seem familiar to me. Haven't felt safe in bed since then. Did admit to H and kind of vaguely to T, because I don't know where boundaries on discussing intimacy are yet. Thanks for the support, though. Will work through it eventually, I suppose. I feel uncomfortable even sleeping in my bed right now, because his sleep disorder means I sometimes get woken up with by that sort of behavior without him knowing/remembering.

I would move to the couch, if it were me. Probably terrible advice.

I do not think most T's have any boundary on discussing intimacy issues, Yak- it's what they do. I don't think there is anything that you "can't say" to a T about intimacy issues. It is central to the process and they have heard it all. Don't worry. If you have the courage to say it, then by all means- say it! They can't help you if you don't let them see the wound.

I have my oldest sister sleeping in my living room right now with my infant nephew (she's pregnant and her boyfriend and his mom just assaulted her). We actually haven't had a living room to ourselves for about 80% of the last year, due to friends/family staying with us.

When the incident happened last year (and can't describe, because it would be a super-trigger for some people, but I'll just say I found out something had happened and didn't know what to think), I slept in the living room for over a month. Then our friend moved into our living room, so I slept on the floor in our room. H kept asking when I was coming back into our bed, so I felt rushed and did. He did the same with getting intimate again, and of course he didn't mean to pressure me and of course my natural desire is to reconcile/make him happy. Anyway, I think it would be very hurtful to him if I moved out of our bed again.

I did talk to him more about it last night, to explain I wasn't ready to be intimate right now. He seemed so distraught. He's wondering if something happened while we were dating (because of his condition) that I don't remember. But, I really had a sense of not even thinking I was with H while it was happening. Ugh, I feel horrible that it's hurting him too and I don't want to reject him anymore than is necessary.

I don't know about the intimacy stuff. That is actually my T's area of expertise, which is why he's treating H. But I just don't know where he stands on discussing this stuff with female clients. I guess, rather than risk being told, "No, I can't discuss this with you!" I'd rather he spell out what things should are OK. Otherwise, it will be too hard for me to even talk about. It's hard enough as it is. The best I can do is detach and intellectualize it. Ugh, re-experiencing now as I write about it.

Sorry to hear all of that, Yaku. You are a better person than me. My anger at my husband in that area is so deep that I could care less if I hurt him or not with my rejection of him. I'm not a very nice person I guess.
I *still* don't think that there are "no go" area in T. No T worth their salt would ever say, "No I can't discuss this with you" when it comes to intimacy issues. If he did say that, when this is clearly something that is central to your relationship and problems- then he wouldn't be much of a T, and you should find someone that you can freely discuss all of the issues with. I find it extremely dificult to talk about sex issues with my T (or even here if truth be told) however, it simply must be done if I want to heal. However- that being said, I would not pressure yourself to do it right away, only, give yourself permission to do that when you feel safe and when you feel ready, otherwise it may end counter-productive. Go slow, build the trust first, then slowly you will begin to be able to talk with him about the things that you need so badly to talk about him with.

BB

Thanks for the encouragement. I don't think it makes you unkind! It just means you're in touch with how you feel about things. My inability to say no to H is more of my usual boundary issues. It's actually a sign of my brokenness and inability to connect with my hurt/angry emotions. Plus, I don't know about your situation or know your H, so you probably have a completely different dynamic going on there. I think you're very nice!

I feel like I want to discuss it with T, because it was so scary and T feels safe, but just having my usual needing explicit permission and guidelines thing. Like I can give him anything in writing and if he picks from it something that we should discuss, then I feel validated that the topic is OK to have thoughts or feelings about. It's a real problem with me and I know where it comes from, but still no luck getting rid of it.

I have the same issue. My T handles this by forcing me to pick what we discuss in session, which I find most difficult. He won't let it go though. He insists that I pick the topic. I can't stand it, and it's really stopped up my progress I tend to think. I need some kind of guideline to know what is ok, also, otherwise I feel like I am floating out in space with no anchor and no sense of who I am. I *need* someone to connect with that floaty place, and teach me who I am or give me some ideas. No one will. Maybe no one can.

BB

Ps- you are earlier on than me in the process. I have only recently started to dare connect with the anger inside. Don't push it. It will come when it's ready.

Yeah, best I have gotten is my anger connecting with me...and that hasn't been too safe. It's my need to achieve though. T told me to stop shutting out my feelings and by the third session, I had several pages about how I thought and felt about the incident. And then I kind of fell apart. I don't think he anticipated at all how my on-off switch works. And I will tear myself apart trying to achieve something I've been asked to do.