I used to see a T. I like her, but there were lots of problems along the way, especially in the last year or so of the therapy. She used to shedule appointments in a random kind of way - not same times\days etc. I found this hard, but eventually asked for a regular time. I got Monday morning 9.45am. It was ok for a bit and I was working on some really tough stuff... then it was the christmas break (she likes to take a few weeks off over the holiday). I saw her mid-december, session was intense and I was not really ok. Then later I got an email saying that she had opened her post and been offered work at a school on Mondays, so she was cancelling all my appointments... and suggested a few random days/times instead. My daughter was only 2 and I had booked and paid for nursery to cover the sessions. The daycare only had mornings - which the T knew, but all her suggested replacement appointments were different afternoons (and not weekly). I was really in bits.
It got kind of sorted in that she moved another client (which I felt guilty about then) so I could see her wednesdays. we didnt work through what happened - she is keen to focus on what works and move on from any problems. I wasn't ok. Then her partner got ill. really ill. she had to keep cancelling appointments. It was awful and I felt guilty as I knew they were very poorly. this went on for months. eventually things improved. we didn't talk about this either though - despite that she knew I was upset by it. I was feeling very stuck and upset. It ended in a rupture. she was rejecting and afterwards said it (rejection) was what I could expect due to her being angry with me. I asked why she was angry, but she said it wasn't for me to know that - that it was her job to deal with it. I still dont know
she says she isn't angry now.she knows a lot about me. she can be really kind. but working things out with her is so so difficult. I admitted that I dont feel safe with her, and she suggested I sort out all my dissociative parts and get a consensus about how to work. and that any who dont like this can be put away in a safe place during counselling. I have no idea how to even start with working with dissociative parts of myself - let alone get a consensus - should I be able to just do that? and I want a therapy place that feels safe for all parts - not have to lock some up. I have said this to her. I feel confused, and like I must be a failure somehow. I would hope the end point of therapy was somehow being able to manage the dissociation etc? Not a requirement for making an appointment?
I'm seeing a different T as most of you know. This is way less confusing. The t is pretty attuned in sessions, but still puts me out at the end completely in bits. She just doesn't do grounding - and I'm not in a state to ask for it. I am not allowed any contact between sessions once a week. It's kind of limited.
I feel attached to the first T. but it is confusing because I can't work through the problems we have had. she doesn't want to - she wants to look at what works, not what hasn't. Only I'm really traumatized by some of what she said and did.
I dont really want to be attached to her - I have tried not to be. It's now 16mths since the rupture. I'm really messed up. And I spend all my time blaming myself. It must be me.
I know I should just accept the t I've got, until they/the t decide it's over. It's all so scary.
Help?
