Affinity,
Totally on the fly so this is shorter than I'd like, but these all sound like really, really normal feelings for a trauma victim to experience in therapy. I commend your courage in taking the dream into therapy and being brave enough to explore it's deeper meaning.

I know the pain and turmoil are off the charts and barely tolerable and the longing literally feels like its going to kill you. But it won't. Just keep talking about the feelings. There really not as much about your T as you think they are, they're about what you desperately needed and did not receive from your parents. You have really good reasons to so deeply fear intimacy based on your previous experiences of moving close in relationship.

I'm going to pass on a piece of advice from my T I have found helpful on a lot of occasions:" instead of being upset with yourself for having these feelings, how about trying to accept it's how you feel and use those feelings to understand yourself? Because of the deep shame left behind by abuse, we tend to split off and hate important parts of ourselves that NEED to be heard and owned. Doing the (admittedly, incredibly difficult) work of integration is what eases the pain.

AG

PS I realize this answer sucks as what I really want when I feel the way you do is someone to just make the pain and confusion stop!

(((AG)))

Thanks for the reply.