TN, please consider that you are having emotional flashbacks. There is no good evidence right now to indicate that anything is going on besides bad weather. You have not convinced your T that you are worthless. He is stressed out after having to cancel his appointments for the second time this week. What you need to do is come up with a plan to soothe yourself and cope with your distress for the time being.

Thanks BLT but that is the problem. I don't know how to soothe and cope with this distress. I'm trying to get to my numb place. But I have my bosses dumping all kinds of complicated work issues on my desk and I can't focus or get my brain to work well enough to handle this plus soothe myself. Self regulating has never been my strong point.

Thanks
TN

Self-regulating has never been my strong point, either, TN.. So I can relate as can many others, I'm sure.

In the past couple weeks I have struggled with a similar feeling of almost panic and overwhelm because I did not know how to handle everything I was feeling. I was resorting to some bad coping skills but tried to utilize good ones, too.

I actually ended up drowning myself in work. I helped coworkers get their work done, too, so that I would have something to concentrate on. It was somewhat complicated work that, when I took some deep breaths, allowed me to tune out everything else and power through.

I have nearly just left work part way through the day in order to have some time and space to myself. I never did out of fear of retribution from my boss, but I have ended up just sitting in my car, listening to music, and allowing the feelings to come up because it was too tiring to try to continuously keep them at bay.

Just remember that it's ok to not be ok. Keep reaching out here and share what you're feeling and know that you are heard. Watch some funny videos or something that might be good distractions to help trigger that numbness, if that's what you need right now. I find that I'm able to numb out if I find the "right" distraction.

Love and hugs to you.

(((TN))) I'm so sorry. Two cancellations in one week is brutal. I think almost anyone of us would be disintegrating, and dissociating to cope with it. I know your T loves you and this cancellation has nothing to do with you. He's attached to you. Hurting you would hurt him. But it's so hard when you can't hear from him in person or have a good.amount of time to calm down on the phone. If he sounded funny, I would bet it is stress on his end. He knows he has had to cancel on people who need him, and on a very special person who was already struggling with the previous cancellation. Plus, he has lost almost half his income for the week, though I'm sure he's prepared for that sort of thing living in an area that snows. This is not to say you need to worry about him or take care of his feelings or his are more important. It's only that I don't think you have pushed him away. He cares for you. I hope you get to talk to him today and see him tomorrow. (((hugs)))

Dear True north .

Be strong , I am sure he is not ok with calling again to cancell .

((TN))I'm also very sorry to hear about your 2 cancellations in one week, that is very difficult to deal with. I can understand your feeling extremely vulnerable and stressed out. I'm trying to think if I were the T, and had to call all my Clients that I care about for the 2nd time this week to cancel, I would be super stressed and angry at myself for having to do this the 2nd time. He really has to be thinking of you and the rest of the Clients that are depending on him, and that would be creating a lot of anxiety for him as well. Its has to be a frustrating situation that affects both T and Clients. I'm sure he cares a lot about you, and is aware how this affects his Clients, but is kind of stuck in a tough situation with the bad weather. I really hope you can text or talk with him today, and get a gentle reply.

It's been a rough week for you I'm sorry for the cancellations you've had to endure.

I do hope you attempt to call him - I know it's not the same as meeting in the office. But hopefully you can hear in his voice that this is not the same as what happened with oldT.

I'm really sorry - I hope this weather soon passes and you can get back to your sessions.

You can do this TN. This is just a once off thing and things will get back on track.

(((TN))) 2 cancellations must be dreadful in a week when you have built yourself up to seeing him. But I think the others are right, in a different way it would hurt him too, knowing the distress everyone would feel as a result. I guess he has to cancel if he feels it's not safe or comfortable for his clients to be there (even if you would move heaven and earth to get there )

Hope you can hear back and be reassured and start the countdown to next week more settled.

fishy

TN, My T's kid was sick for a week and I was cancelled. It was horribly painful and I understand where you are at.

I wonder if you could text him first and say...
T, I am trying to soothe myself and take good care of me. The weather and the need for cancellation is making me feel xxxx. It would be helpful for me to hear your calming voice. Can you call me?

Does something like that feel okay to do?

You are all so wonderful and I thank you for the helpful advice and reminders of my very good relationship with my T and also how much he cares about me. I wanted to reply last night but we lost our power so I had no internet access.

T finally responded to my urgent texts and told me that they were delayed to him because of issues with his provider due to weather. He texted me that I could call him anytime. So I told him I'd speak to him at lunchtime so I would have some privacy. I ran out to sit in my car and before I could dial him he called me. He was very nice and did not seem angry. He seemed concerned and we chatted for 20 minutes. He explained a few things... like how he called me last hoping power would be restored and if he sounded gruff it was because he hated making the call to me knowing I would feel hurt. He said these kinds of weeks are very difficult for therapuetic relationships. Yeah no kidding lol. I told him that the adult part of me understood that his schedule was in chaos due to storm related issues but the child was really scared. I told him that I felt abandoned and I struggled all week to hold it together until Thursday and then the cancellation just pushed me over the edge and I fell apart, crying huddled in the ladies room at work.

So he asked me a lot of questions about how this all felt and what the triggers were and reassured me that we are fine and have a strong relationship but that I have to stop pushing him away and making him disappear because that does not help me at all. And in fact, makes things worse for me. Then he said he was glad he had scheduled me for Friday. He assured me that I was important to him and he cares about me. So I asked "what if you have no power again on Friday?" he said he would come in and meet with me even if the office was freezing and to wear my fur coat lol. That made me feel better. So last night I drove by his building and saw that there were lights on! Yay! I texted him to tell him and he replied that was great news and thanks for telling him.

So.... I see him in two hours! I feel like I've crawled a thousand miles and fought two wars to get to this point. On top of everything... last night we lost OUR power. Thankfully it was on this morning again. It was one cold night.

I will write to you all indivudually later. Draggers, thanks for reminding me about the staircase and what a lovely T I have. I needed that. Thank you all again. Your replies really helped.

TN

TN, So happy... so very, very happy for you!

((TN)) I'm super happy for you. Your T really is awesome.

Your T really seems to go above and beyond, and I'm glad he came through. You must be relieved but what an ordeal to have gone through in the meantime. Its such a roller coaster ride. Having had similar experiences with the ups and downs of therapy, I just wondered what makes you persevere? Your trust and hope in your T or something else? Do you ever get charged for his extra time in texting or talking? For me, depending on how I'm feeling, if I'm feeling otherwise secure in my life, sometimes I just want to ditch the whole thing and focus on other things (yoga and church).