thank you that was very nice of you to say. And thank you for responding; I dont feel so left alone now!

Longing is such lovely feeling at times. Yet it can really make you crazy when you dont seem to recongnize it as just a longing.. Maybe "Needy" is the word i`m looking for. I FEEL so NEEDY when my T is away, yet just frustrated and often angry at him, when my T actually sitting there in front of me, with his all warm and gentle presence.

Welcom Frog!! I agree - your English is fine. I hope you find this place to be helpful and supportive.

Um.....I feel needy even when my T is not gone, just being out of her office is far enough away for me.

Very nice to "meet" both of you! Feel lucky to have your welcome words. Hope my "slang" will be cool in here - Norwegain slang is quite unusual in here I guess oh yeah.. same here. Needy also when He`s sitting right there in front of me as well.

Hi Frog and welcome,

I hate feeling needy, it's really tough for me because I want to be so independent but realise that I need my T to make me better. So I doo constant battles with that one.

Oh and no more apologies about your English - it's just fine, honest. I am amazed and impressed at anybody writing so fluently in another language

starfish

Hi Frog, thanks for welcoming me on my thread. Here's my welcome to you!

I get excited about seeing my T too - that is until about 10 minutes before the session - when excitement turns to dread!

The excitement is really due to the fantasy figure I've created out of him in my head - I like to imagine he's in love with me (!). Then the shame and dread kick in when I realise that I'm about to be 'seen' by him and that he will be disgusted by me.

Shame has stopped me from developing a good connection with him so I don't long for him. I worry about forming an attachment that results in those kind of feelings. It would feel to me that it is giving him power over me and leaving me with none. However, I have read that we need to become dependent on our Ts in order to heal?

Are you happy to have formed this attachment with your therapist? Do you think it is therapeutic?

S x

starfish and SMB- thanks..

ah..where to begin..right now- at this very moment- i am actually sitting with my phone- looking over ALL the text messages i`ve sent with my T. 90% of them, type "may you come 11, in sted of 12?" ish! So not romantic at all.. :/
i know what i do right now is just somehow to feel closer to him.. cope with the longings (its been 6 weeks soon, since last time. His on vacation!)

I so get your point..I ALSO NEED TO FEEL INDEPENDENT! (It`s been my idenity- my safety "thing": I manage alone!") AND that makes a BIG conflict in me, as i realize i also have needs.. Needs that parts of me think that only my therapist can meet, and cover up for. Therefor allways this frustration: "Why dont you meet all my needs?- why just sit there in silence..?" hm.. yeah.. Feeling like im being punished in a way. But: What are your needs really? Do you people manage to put that in words? Is it clear to you?

SMB: The exciited feeling is as much bad as good.. Yes, before session its just..bad, really heartbeat and totally not in touch with my own feelings.. Just too overwhelmed by the tought of beeing seen by him/and see him.

I am wondering if I can relate to your shame... I think in many ways i dont have developed a safe attachment with my T. It`s been over a year now, and i slowly learn to understand that he`s not a "magic man" and not someone i should love, because his perfect or anything.. And slowly, very slowly- I relaxe more there with him, talk more freely, f.ex now i do dear to tell him that i am angry at him, feel in love with him (no! Wrong;- i wrote that to him actually) etc. Could`NOT done that for a year ago..
But you are right: To become dependent on your T (the good way-) will help you heal..(it so often hard, it hurts, and is frustrating. But - really- how could it be different? Healing wounds are a hurting project. sometimes. and lovely sometimes! Generally speaking..haha!) What you consider to be "a good forming and attachment" will perheaps be clearer to you as the process developes?? I keep working on mine..
What kind of attachment do you think you have with your T at this point?

quote:

Originally posted by Frog:
What kind of attachment do you think you have with your T at this point?

I am not sure to be honest! All I know is that I want him to love and want me sexually. However I don't love him and when I'm in the room with him I don't want him sexually either! I think it's because I feel disgusting when I'm with him - maybe I think his love and desire would prove that he doesn't find me disgusting? I don't know, but I've felt this way about lots of men. I wish I didn't care what he/they thought - and in fact the main issue for me in therapy is learning to accept myself. Sorry if that didn't answer the question!

I'm glad you are learning to relax and talk more freely with him. That is something I would like to learn!

S x

Good to meet you, Frog! Welcome to the forums! I agree with everyone else, you express yourself very well! I am glad you decided to join in, and I look forward to getting to know you better.

The attachment to my current individual T feels very stable and secure. She is not specially trained in attachment, but she is wonderfully accepting of whatever feelings I need to talk about. She never shies away from any subject and is not judgmental. She has helped me so much and I'm forever grateful to her. I just met with her today, and we realized it's almost been a year! It doesn't seem possible that it's been that long, but it has.

It felt a little wobbly with her in the beginning, but I think that was because of a bad termination with the T I had right before I found her. With the former T, I attempted several times to discuss my attachment to him, but it was never identified exactly, or even very well understood, which was the reason for the termination. If I had to guess, I would say it was an anxious or ambivalent attachment, based on all the fear I experienced during the eight months that I saw him.

My husband and I are also working with a couples T. We've only met with him five times so far, but he is already helping us, largely through his understanding of attachment issues. But his focus isn't on either one of our attachments to him, and I don't expect it to be (although I will admit, I've already "tried him on" emotionally as a potentially fabulous dad...but I really do not want to "go there" again, and he certainly doesn't encourage it). He has helped us look at how we developed our attachment style with our parents, and then at how our attachment styles work (or don't work) with each other. Basically we both developed "avoidant" attachment styles, where we learned that our needs for connection would not get met, so when we need to connect, we isolate ourselves even more in order to stay "safe". So since we met over 11 years ago, I've been wondering why we always feel "out of step" with each other. The therapy with this T is already starting to make a difference and I'm looking forward to learning and changing more!

I'm glad you have been able to start talking about your attachment to your T! How does he respond? Has he helped other patients with attachment to himself? Just wondering...he sounds open and supportive, which is good.

[On a completely unrelated note...what is "Norwegian slang"? Will you give an example? My husband is three-quarters Norwegian but he has not taught me any slang. I'd love to impress him with some. ]

Peace,
SG

Welcome Frog! I will post more later, but wanted to say that I'm glad you found us.

Yes, welcome Frog from a really, really new newbie!

I can't really comment on everything you're talking about relating to your therapist as I'm waiting for my first session, but I know all about the needy/independent 'thing' - it makes no sense to me...!

Thanks for your responses! I been away

Strummergirl:
Hi, sorry late respond! Thank you for your words. I am glad to hear that your T helps both of you. Couples therapy is really something I dont know a lot about- Its very interesting!

You seem to have a great understanding of different types of attatchments- I dont think I have quite the same knowlidge at this - naming them the "right" type etc. But i do know that my attatchment with my T is, first of all very STRONG- probably father-transference type (?) but also deeply ambivalent (dont wanna need him, need to fell independent)sometimes erotic-transeference, yet extreemly vonerable(?) of beeing rejected etc. BIG seperation axiety etc.. Does this make sense to you? Do you have a name for this?

Yes- to answer you question- I have spoked with my T about this. I wrote him a letter where i describe this attachment. I told him (vagely) that i feel in love with him. (after 6 sessions?) The first time i told him, he responded telling me that my feelings were normal, good and nessisary to develope a safe attachment, and that he felt amused (not right word? "flattered" is the word he used!) and humbled to hear me tell him. He also made it clear that my feelings were genuin- and that he wanted us to work on, and understand them. That I had to help him with that. (i dont really manage that part!) Yet, he NEVER told me what this words made HIM FEEL! Not untill- before vacation- the second time I admitted!(!) that i still feel in love with him- he responded (a bit nervous and stressed) that HE in a way loved me- like the way the fathers/mothers love and care for their childeren. He held a loong - intellectual speach about all this- (he is a bit shy, and i think i finds it hard to be personal with me, a bit avvoiding talking about all this)
He is very trained in this, I know, because he is an old man, worked with long-term psychotherapy for 40 years, and written a lot of books about "psychotherapy and love". (oh, yeah- I read them all! Haha)I also heard him on the radio talking about the "love-feelings that developes in the therapeutic relation!"- (i downloaded the file, and listen to it on my I-pod all the time, when i need to hear his warm voice! Its my secret! )

was that an answer?

again, thanks for your respond and your story. Good luck with your learning& changing!

ps: Norwegian slang- LOL- i made that up, its just a english that is influenced(?) by the norwegian grammar. You can allways tell your husband:

"Kjære mannen min, jeg elsker deg- blir du imponert nå?"

Welcome Frog! I apologize for not welcoming you sooner.