Hi MH,

Okay, give us the details. How long are you going to go in between texts? Maybe you could start small and then expand rather than set your goal too high to start with?

This week I am on the same mission. I am staying away from texting, calling, and emailing T unless the world crumbles down around me. It's not going to be easy, and I hope to distract myself the best I can. I have ONE week to go.... Good Luck Mad Hatter...it's a big challenge, I know.

--Brokes

Well, I was planning on going cold turkey, all at once. I kinda want to prove a point, that I can do it, and that T really doesn't have as much power over me as she thinks she does. Because right now she is holding all the cards.

I am no help with this, other than empathy. My T is in an inexplicable place of actively encouraging texting just to check on the connection and being incredibly consistent and kind with all his replies, dang him. I guess he's figuring that it will eventually lead to me knowing, in a deep, internalized, every part sort of way, that the connection still exists outside of the few hours I am physically in his presence and that reassurance will eventually disipate the need to check in for non-crisis reasons...but I wonder whether that is the case and how long that will take. Sometimes, it is very tender to connect with him like this...other times, utterly humiliating and way too vulnerable for me to be toward any single person. MH, is she still on about how she will randomly take texting away some day? If so, that alone would probably give me the motivation needed to do so myself. Still angry when I imagine that sort of planned ambush.

Oh MH,

Cold turkey sounds really hard. IMO. I would fail that one and then I'd wind up feeling even more powerless in the end. What about rewarding yourself for every 2 hours or 4 hours, whatever you choose, that you can go without texting T? And then expanding from there?

I don't know if I'm much help with this, but I'm mad at my T right now and resolved not to call because I want to prove to myself that I don't need her. I don't care what she thinks, this is for me, and I'm sticking with it.

So far, my anger and sense of wounded dignity have been enough to make keeping my resolve doable, if not easy. Don't know if those are the best motivators, but they are working.

Instead of texting your T, can you text (or phone or email) someone else? Maybe that will help.

As for reasons to keep to your commitment....that's so personal....probably only you can determine that.

My T doesn't allow text, email or phone calls (if I call her voicemail she does not call back, and if I require an answer to a question (in the voicemail I leave her), she has her office manager call me with the answer). I actually do feel like I need her at times, right now, but not nearly as much as I did last year when I began therapy. But I now have some friends I email when I feel the need, so I guess that is good, as I know that is what she wants, me to find my own support system. I'm actually feeling depressed again and she is encouraging me to go to a Friday evening peer group for depression (she knows a client in the group and says it is welcoming and supportive) (just have to find child care)....

Anyway....that's my best advice, to "replace" with some other support system (and like Yaku said, if she is saying she is taking texting away in the future, you doing it yourself on your own terms would be far better for you). And, don't forget to reward yourself. Good luck.

I think you'll quit texting your T when you have outgrown compulsions to text your T.

Your superego is being harsh. That can backfire.



I have all the freedom i want when it comes to texting my T, but it's interesting to have seen over the past 2 years how texting behaviors change as I change-recently, blossom and grow...and glow.



My advice is to try not to control it so much. Maybe bad advice, but still my advice.

Good luck MH!!

Yaku, its just like that for me too. Despite my T threatening to take texting away awhile back, lately she has very much been encouraging it. In fact, I tried to quit texting abt 6 weeks ago, and my T came out and said I was ending it far earlier than she had planned, that she would only cut off texting if it were in my best interests. She said I was initiating the very thing that I feared, just so I could be in control of it, and that it would be better if I just trusted her and didn't stop texting.

So with her encouragement, I began to text again. I also noticed at this time that she began to be super consistent about responding in a timely manner. So I began to let down my guard and let go of some of the panic about her abandoning texting. Things have been fairly smooth in the past month. That is, until last Wednesday when she undid everything again.

T intiated a text to me Wednesday morning, not in response to anything from me. It always startles me when she does that, because its been rare in the past for her to initiate contact. I think maybe she was worried that she hadn't heard from me for a day. She wrote "thinking of you this morning and hope your day is light." It was a nice message, and I wrote a few texts back to her over the next hour, but then she never responded the rest of the day (remember, she has made a habit of responding quickly, so thats what I've come to expect). So I got paranoid like I sometimes do, and began to worry that I had written something wrong or bad in my texts that was the reason she wasn't writing back. This, apparently, is where I made my big mistake. About 6:30pm I texted her and was too honest about my anxiety, that I feared she was shunning me. She wrote back that I was going to have to "do better with this" because if I couldn't handle not getting a response from her then she might have to change the texting rules. WTF? I admit one time that I'm struggling and all of a sudden she's back to threatening me with taking texting away again? Just last week, last month, it was supposedly good for me to text. I was taken aback and responded angrily. I told her to stop holding this threat over my head and just do it and get it over with already, that I couldn't take it anymore. She responded with "why don't you just cope and then we don't have to change anything." Bob Newhart was sounding all too familiar about this point. She was basically saying "Just STOP it!" and then everything will be peachy. So I wrote (yes it was snotty) that sounds logical, why don't I also just stop having a host of symptoms associated with my diagnosis and cure myself, because then I wouldn't need to bother her at all! At which point she said she was sorry but she was too tired to continue and said goodnight. And I responded that she needn't be sorry because I had no further reason to talk to her. And that's the last message I texted her. So now I have gotten through more than 48 hours without texting at this point in time.

I did see T for a few seconds yesterday when I dropped off my daughter for an appointment. T came out to my car and initiated a hug, which I didn't refuse, but I didn't say much to her either. She just wanted to know when she would see me again (i.e., probably wanting to know if I had canceled future appointments out of anger, which I haven't done this time).

So now Liese, you can see that it is my pride and trying to save myself from more hurt which is why I want to quit cold turkey. Because texting T is like a drug to me, and if I get a taste then I just want more. So abstinence seems to be the answer, because it matters too much to me, which is why T has great power over me every time she does or does not respond.

HIC, I totally get what you are feeling right now. I have to say that anger has worked only temporarily for me in the past because eventually the emotion fades and another takes its place. But I am starting to feel more than just anger about this. I am starting to truly fear that T is going to keep hurting me and I'm never going to be completely safe from that.

Ninn, it is true that support from other people can help me temporarily put the pain of no contact, and the pain of being at the mercy of T, in the background, but it always seems to be like more of a distractor than a cure. So when the party ends and I am left to myself, the pain comes rushing back and takes over. Maybe with time...maybe only if I quit seeing T though, because every time I see her it stirs up more feelings again. But what other choice do I have than to turn to others for support? It is better than nothing, right? I don't know. It doesn't make sense, but maybe I WANT to suffer alone.

UV, you are correct that I still have the compulsions! Is it a superego thing to want to quit though? My motivation is selfish, to protect myself, not to make T's life any easier. But I am suffering because it isn't happening naturally.

Does anyone think that my T is the one with the control issues? I am pretty sure that when I see her next she is going to tell me I should be texting, just because she wants to be able to take it away from me, I think. She doesn't like me seizing control of that potential punisher.

Jeez, MH. Something is wrong there.

I mean, my T encourages me to text. He always has, since around this time last year, when he suggested maybe just checking in on a daily basis and let him know how I'm doing until now. But, the difference between your T and my T is that:

1. He has never threatened to take texting away. He has framed it as something that will be temporary, but not because he'll take it away, but an additional level of support that would naturally subside. And, all of that was pre-diagnosis, such that I have the feeling that he wouldn't even discuss that as a remotely approaching probability, but something that is a long way off.

2. While he has not always been able to be consistent in his responses, he has never once responded negatively to my anxiety or pain over a lack of response, a response that triggered me, or an untimely response. If I am in pain or stressed out, he simply says he is sorry. It doesn't change the reality that he won't always respond perfectly just the way I like, but he is sorry when it hurts me. The only time my T has ever said anything confrontational with regards to texts was to counter some projections about him not really caring and he said he didn't think that was reflected in any of his behavior to me or the thoughts of his heart or some such thing. And, he was right in that case, so I apologized.

I can feel safe about the fact that T wants us to be texting one another this weekend, so certain parts can practice experiencing connection at a distance (my assumption of his intention) and with H away, because he has been consistent with his boundaries. Granted, his boundaries are much vaster than many other Ts, but they haven't changed. Also, he doesn't make my reactions to connecting about him, which it feels to me your T is doing. If my T did not understand I needed a response or was delayed in giving me one and it made me anxious, he wouldn't take it personally or get frustated. He would say he was sorry that I experienced that anxiety, that it wasn't intended, and help me move along.

I'm not trying to say my T is perfect, because he has his own set of flaws (um, scheduling, session times, etc.), but I keep seeing this pattern with your T where she implores you to trust her, to depend on her maybe more than you would be naturally inclined to allow yourself or at a faster pace than you are ready for...and then sets these little landmines that sabotage that trust. I don't think any of this is really your problem. First, she needs to be patient with whatever level of trust you have now and at whatever pace you feel comfortable moving. Second, she just needs to respond in a consistent, caring, yet neutral, way. If she apologized that you were anxious, explained that there was nothing broken in the relationship, I anticipate the anxiety about texting would have gone away. Instead, she escalated it by threatening the very thing that was making you anxious. I don't understand her approach at all.

Sigh, I don't think I'm being helpful here. I know when I have cut off texting with T for long periods, journaling extra has helped. In my case, it was never because I was mad at T, but just because some parts were reacting badly to the vulnerability of it. I think if I were mad at my T (like I would be at yours right now), that would make it easier for me to dig in, get stubborn and want to "win." But, then again, when winning means taking something away from yourself that is sometimes a helpful, supportive, good experience...well, it's sad that you have to do that. I do definitely understand with the all on or all off mentality, though. The only way I seem to be able to avoid texting on a regular basis is to turn off all my vulnerability to my T and only engage him with the most detached, protective, unrelational parts of myself. I know a lot of this is very personal to myself and my connection with my T and don't know how applicable it would be. Sorry if I went a little overboard there. Hopefully, you feel validated and not further triggered. Validated is what I was aiming for.

Wow MH that would be a big red flag to me, to have a T threaten to withdraw a contact option unless I ‘behaved’. And yeah it would feel like a control issue on her part AND as if she’s retaining the texting for use as some sort of punishment/leverage.

I also hate the tone of her last text to you – it was so dismissive and belittling. Better to have been therapisty about it and say something like, it would be better to continue discussing this in session…

I don’t blame you for wanting to not text at all just so you get to feel like YOU have some control over the seemingly arbitrary and punitive dictates of your T about it, and stopping altogether seems the only way to get out of this spiral of hurt. Even though you’re having to deny yourself something that really matters to you. The trouble is, would stopping cold turkey like this make you feel any better about any of it? If it were me, I’d be seething with resentment. As DF said, it’s a real bind you’re in.

So about the only way out of it that I can see, is for you to really hash this texting option out with T. I don’t think her blowing hot and cold over it is helping you one bit, and if you’re now at the point where you feel your only option is to stop altogether anyway maybe a really open discussion about what texting means to you, and to her, and a firm agreement about the expectations and boundaries around it (for both of you) might just help stop this awful situation happening again. And reconnect you.

I hope you’re getting through the time until next session ok, texting or no texting. (((( MH ))))


LL

Rightio Madhatter - your T has totally pissed me off.

I think she is trying to control the situation and she is PLAYING with you. You proved to her really well when you were in control of the restricted texting - you did it well and then she gave it back to you and encouraged you to text. You did it as it felt wonderful - as it does to us when have that beautiful connection. THEN she took it away again - but on HER terms.

For god's sake - therapy is hard enough for us without T's doing this.

What makes me more suspicious was when she came down to you and initiated a hug. And THEN enquired about your next session.

Ok rant over.

When I am trying to limit myself - giving myself personal challenges - I have to replace it in some way - I email / text / whatever to feel a connection and so I don't feel alone or that I am about to die or my attached people aren't dying or abandoning me... so - I do other things - I write more, I email some people on the list here who i am close to, I post more on the forum, I look at pictures of my T, i re-read emails that T's have sent before.

would it help if every time you had an urge to text - that you write that exact text in a word document and every time you want to text - add it to the document?


If my T did this with me - I would be seething with anger. It wouldn't be nice.

Mad Hatter,

Grrrr, how can your T expect you to keep to your supposed boudaries when she keeps changing the rules and the goalposts? It's almost childish of her, like ''it's not going the way I want it to , so I'm going to rewrite the rule book'. I feel for you. Personally I don't think Ts should actively encourage contact of any sort unless they know that they can respond to it - otherwise the fallout on the client is awful. I am really sorry that this is happening to you (((MH)))

starfishy

MH,

I'm sorry that the texting issue is a problem again. I understand the confusion around the inconsistency. I think it would be good to have a very open dialogue about what the rules are for texting. I think having it in writing would be good as well so that you know what to expect and can refer to it and she knows what she agreed to. I would want to know things like this:

1) How often can you text?
2) During what hours?
3) What time response can you expect?
4) Are there any rules about the content of texts?
5) If she isn't going to be able to respond in the time agreed upon can she send a quick response letting you know she is unavailable? Or perhaps if she knows she will be unable to respond all day (say she's going to be somewhere she has to turn her phone off) could she let you know that ahead of time? Maybe she could send a quick text saying she'll be away from her phone for the next 8 hours for example.

I also wonder if it would help you to write down what you would like to text her instead of sending it. Maybe keep a log throughout the day and then later come back to it and see what still applies and what may have been from a more emotional place.

What I've suggested may or may not fit and please feel free to toss any or all of it if it doesn't. I do see this as a control issue and it seems like it might be somewhat on both sides. She tells you to cope, but has she worked with you on skills to do so?

I recently starting working in a DBT workbook and there is a ton of useful information in there about coping skills, communication, distress tolerance etc. It might not fit for you, but I thought I'd toss out the idea in case you are interested.

(((hugs)))) I'm sorry this is causing so much distress for you.

quote:

If she apologized that you were anxious, explained that there was nothing broken in the relationship, I anticipate the anxiety about texting would have gone away. Instead, she escalated it by threatening the very thing that was making you anxious.

Yes, thankyou Yaku for articulating it this way. It was exactly what I was thinking at the time but I didn't say it very well here. My whole aim in texting her at 6:30pm was to relieve my anxiety, hoping that she would respond and reassure me. If so, I would have been fine again. But her response just made it worse. I really want her to "get" this but in the past she hasn't seemed to understand when I try to point this out. Please don't think you aren't being helpful. I think your reply to me was quite perceptive!

quote:

I really wish your T could just set up a 'I'll write you back in 24hrs policy' or something

Hi DF, I think my T actually has something like this in mind. She probably wants to make a rule like that she will never respond to my daytime texts until after 7pm. And if that didn't work then her next step would be to say that she will never respond at all except to address it during session time. She says I should stop making her out to be this person who gleefully wants to punish because she gets no enjoyment at all out of making restrictions. I don't know whether that's true, because she seems to create scenarios which trigger my reactions when a smart T could figure out how to avoid it through reassurance (like Yaku's T). Whether its true or not, her logic is that restricting the texting would be for the purpose of reducing my anxiety because then I wouldn't be expecting anything from her and she couldn't disappoint me. I think you are right that I am in a bind, because I am going to be hurting either way if things continue the same pattern. I really think I was starting to text her a bit less frequently before this last incident because my sense of security was growing. So if only she could be consistent in her responses, I do believe I would eventually grow out of it naturally.

quote:

I don’t blame you for wanting to not text at all just so you get to feel like YOU have some control over the seemingly arbitrary and punitive dictates of your T about it

LL, thanks for understanding my control issues. My T says my need for control is a bad thing, that I need to allow her to have the control or else I will never trust her. That seems so unnatural...and just plain stupid actually! I think the trust has to come FIRST, not the control. AFTER I trust her (and this requires some consistency on her part and no more threatening, IMO) only then would I have an inclination to give up control. She seems to be doing it in reverse order. I just hope that an open discussion about it won't backfire on me.

Yes, I think I will get through the rest of this weekend because I have bigger things to occupy my mind. My mother and sister have invited themselves over for a weekend stay, and they'll be arriving this afternoon. And its my daughter's birthday on Sunday, and she's having a party today too. And my house is not guest-presentable right now, so I really should get offline soon and start getting busy.

quote:

What makes me more suspicious was when she came down to you and initiated a hug. And THEN enquired about your next session.

Hey Somedays, you caught that too, huh. It did feel slightly manipulative. I used to never think this would happen to me, but I am slightly afraid in the back of my mind that T is getting more emotionally involved than she can handle. I've always wanted to win her love, but maybe that is affecting her ability to keep from taking things personally (though she never admits that). T is more freely offering hugs and saying she loves me lately than she ever used to do. It has felt great this past month, until Wednesday when I was jolted back to reality, that she still has the power to hurt me.

quote:

Personally I don't think Ts should actively encourage contact of any sort unless they know that they can respond to it - otherwise the fallout on the client is awful.

Hi Starryfish, yes, I think part of her motivation to change the texting is that she feels guilty inside when she fails me, and she doesn't like feeling bad about that so she puts it back on me to make herself feel better. IDK, just a theory.

quote:

I think having it in writing would be good as well so that you know what to expect and can refer to it and she knows what she agreed to.

Thanks for the ideas, STRM. I think if I am going to have another discussion about texting with her, which seems inevitable, then I ought to come armed with some questions like you suggested. We have talked about some of those things informally, but to have it in writing might be good for both of us. For one thing, she might feel less pressure to bend a rule and respond when she really shouldn't. But also, if she doesn't stick to the agreement then she can't put it all on me when I get upset.

We haven't really worked much on coping skills. A long time ago (more than a year ago) she printed off some pages from a book with ideas for ways to cope when I want to SI. We talked about it for a session or two. But other than that and her occasionally suggesting that I find other people to spend time with when I am feeling needy (which admittedly I bristled at the time because I took it as a rejection that she was trying to get rid of me) then we haven't talked about HOW to cope. I do have this poor attitude that coping means just putting up with pain and not complaining about it. But I don't think the subject is T's strong point or she wouldn't be telling me to "just stop it."

Oh MH,

It sounds so difficult. I'm sorry your T can't be consistent with this. Can you talk to her about the text she initiated and both agree on a set of rules to follow? I completely understand the anger you are feeling. It just doesn't sound like it is doing the healing that maybe she intended?

xoxo

Liese

(((MH)))

I'm sorry that your T is being so punishing. I can only imagine how much fear and pain it causes in you. When I first read this thread I couldn't respond right away because I was too angry. I don't text my T but I have a very similar relationship with emails. We have had a few different problems (missing emails, miscommunications) but whenever I've told him I'm anxious and worried because he hasn't responded he has always answered as that he was sorry I was upset and explained what happened from his perspective. I occasionally think it would have been better if I had never started emailing him but he has never threatened to stop responding or allowing emails. That kind of unilateral decision would feel awful to me.

I think you need to talk to her more about texting and I hope it helps. Thinking of you,

quote:

We haven't really worked much on coping skills.

This should be the foundation of the therapy. She can't very well expect you to know how to cope if you've never been taught. It is very difficult to get into attachment and trauma work without a set of coping skills in place.

Like I said earlier, I've been using the DBT workbook and have found many helpful things in there. It may or may not be something you would like to try, but I'll link to it just in case.

DBT Book

76+ hours and counting. The past 12 hours haven't been hard. I've been far too busy and distracted to be miserable over not texting. Riding this wave as long as I can before I get hit hard with emotion again. I kind of like this moment of feeling distant and numb from T. I'm toying with the idea of taking a break from sessions, maybe for the rest of the month, to get some perspective. I write this knowing full well that its unlikely this detached moment will last that long though. I'll probably plunge into desperation again soon enough. But for the moment at least, I am not hurting much.

Thank you Liese and igncognito for thinking of me. It is interesting for me to learn that many of you have not had a T threaten to take something like this away from you when you haven been distressed over a delay in contact. When I do have to face T again, I know this texting subject is going to come up, and I'm scared a bit what direction it will take, so I'm trying not to think about that right now in my detached mode.

STRM, I bookmarked your link and peeked inside the book. It looks like something I should invest in, but at the same time I felt rather distressed just reading the sneak preview. I am so impossible that I don't even want to THINK about coping. Anger, denial, dissociation, self-harm, isolation, all those are techniques I would have to learn to replace. Sounds like REALLY hard work! For now I'm going to *think* about getting the workbook. Following its advice is a whole other commitment however. Seems like it would require nerves of steel!

98 hours. I'm hurting. Wanting to give in. I hate that I have allowed myself to get attached to T and make myself so vulnerable to wanting something I have no control over. I hate how young and immature I become. Why couldn't she just be mean All the time so I would never have learned to let feelings develop for her? Why do I have to feel these yearnings for her presence, love, and attention that never stay away for very long? Eventually, if I don't give in, will the pain go away for good? Can anyone tell me that?

Oh, MH...I did this with my T and I think it ended up breaking something...it broke my dependency on him, to some extent- and things were just not the same after that. Did I feel better? It's really hard to say. I felt more adult. But I experienced a real sense of loss. It really is like kicking a drug or alcohol problem, at least it was for me. I was addicted to the rush of outside contact and wishing to feel special to my T. I think the pain started a long time before when I recognized that I would never be special to him...it was *why* I stopped. I need to end the pain. There was no other way. I think your response to stopping will be very individual to you...and I honor your decision to try it, because it a recognition from deep within that something has to change, and so you are making a change happen, even though agonizing.

I strongly encourage you to keep trying. You will not know what will happen if you *don't* give in...but you do know what will happen if you do give in. and giving in hasn't worked...who knows, maybe not giving in will push things in the direction you need? So, so hard MH. (((((((MH)))))

You will do what you think is best...the real question is, is your heart ready to let go of this, or is your head forcing your heart to stop before it is ready?

Beebs

ps...really only you can know the answer...but I can't say that it will make the pain stop. It might just make you better able to bear and tolerate the pain. and make the pain slowly diminish in it's intensity and frequency.

quote:

T intiated a text to me Wednesday morning, not in response to anything from me. It always startles me when she does that, because its been rare in the past for her to initiate contact. I think maybe she was worried that she hadn't heard from me for a day. She wrote "thinking of you this morning and hope your day is light." It was a nice message, and I wrote a few texts back to her over the next hour, but then she never responded the rest of the day (remember, she has made a habit of responding quickly, so thats what I've come to expect). So I got paranoid like I sometimes do, and began to worry that I had written something wrong or bad in my texts that was the reason she wasn't writing back.

MH,

I understand the need to cut back, though I would be careful it doesn't turn into proving a point or making T feel like you don't need her, but is instead simply to break what feels like an unhealthy habit to you. I have found myself digging myself into a hole and generating a lot of anxiety when I've tried to decrease texting with the idea of proving a point to T or doing it a rebelious way.

My take on what you wrote above is that your T texted you seemingly out of the blue because perhaps she knew she had a busy day and wouldn't be available to respond to a text she anticipated you'd be sending later in the day. So that was probably her way of showing that she cared and acting proactively. I am guessing that she was feeling frustrated later when you were upset she didn't text back. Might have felt to her like her earlier efforts in the day were unappreciated. I'm not suggesting that you are unappreciative...just sort of looking at it from her angle and thinking that she was feeling frustrated that even though she cares and tried to do something to show you that she does, it didn't get through to you.

I really do agree with the others though that your T needs to keep firmer boundaries. I think her reaction to your anxiety was inappropriate...telling you she is going to have to reconsider the texting rules sounds a lot like a threat to me. That is not healthy or something a T should be doing. She needs to be more patient with you...she's a T for goshsake! That's what she gets paid to do!!!!! Instead of threatening, she should be saying, "I can see that this is distressing for you when I don't reply right away. I'd like to explore that in our next session and learn more about where this is stemming from and how I can help you better manage those feelings of anxiety"....or something like that. She need to use this as an opportunity to help you...not judge you or punish you.

anyway, back to your no texting goal. What if you leave your cell phone at home during the day? Is that a possibility?

UPDATE FOLLOWING MY SESSION TODAY:

I went to session today and of course T brought up the texting issue right away, saying I had been rather silent and she had missed hearing from me over the wknd. I have felt so deflated inside that I didn't feel like arguing about it. So I told her I had just been really busy (which was definitely true but NOT the reason I hadn't texted, and she knew it). It didn't work to try to avoid the subject; we ended up talking it over for 45 minutes.

My head is kinda fuzzy so I can't recall everything, but basically her story is that she feels she made a mistake to initiate contact last Wednesday, and that that is what threw me for a loop, so she has decided she must not do that anymore because apparently I am not ready to handle it. So basically I feel like, yeah, it was my fault that what I texted T that day did drive her to this conclusion. I rather liked that she had texted me first, but I went and screwed it up.


T still thinks I should text her . She just doesn't want to be responsible for me going into a bad place when she doesn't respond as soon as I think she should. She asked, how would I feel when I spoke to one of my children if they reacted to my greeting by becoming emotionally distraught, having a miserable day, or having SI/SU thoughts? She said if I loved them, I would stop greeting them (or stop whatever behavior was triggering to them) in order to avoid sending them to that bad place. T insisted repeatedly that any rules she places on texting are never meant as punishments but are only with my best interests in mind. She has said this many times before as well. I just have a hard time believing it sometimes when it hurts so much.

I don't feel like giving in just yet. I am going to see her for another session in about 36 hours and I figure I can make it that long. But later on this week I will probably be tempted to resume texting because I'm going out of state for several days to see my sister and her family and I'm going to be out of my comfort zone and wanting support to get through it. I just know that once I start, the potential for harm resumes along with the potential for support.

Beebs, you are right that I am addicted to the rush of outside contact. When I don't get my "T fix" then I do have a tendency to throw a fit about it while I go through withdrawal. I can't say, like you, that I will never be special to my T though. This may sound contradictory to say since I also accuse her of wanting to punish me, but a lot of the time I DO feel special to my T, especially in the past few months. She HAS said she loves me, more than once. She HAS held me and expressed her worries about me. And today near the end of my session I moved across the rug over to the chair where she was sitting and sat on the floor with my head resting against her knees, just because I wanted to be physically closer to her before I had to say goodbye again, and she responded by gently stroking my hair for several minutes. It's these gestures which help me trust that I DO matter to T. Those moments temporarily alleviate the pain. If I never ever had that, the pain would definitely be worse.

LG, I tried over and over to communicate to T how her warning to possibly "change up" texting came across as a threat, and she just won't agree that that's what it was. She says she is still going to respond to my texts during the weekdays, but she won't initiate them to me anymore, and she wants me to trust her that nothing between us has changed just because she doesn't get back to me for several hours. I appreciate the idea you put out about leaving my cell phone home during the day. I could do that, but I can also think of very good reasons why I shouldn't. I like to have it with me so that if my kids (or their teachers at daycare or school) need to contact me during the day that they can get ahold of me. There always seems to be some mini emergency going on with my kids! I suppose I could try to will myself not to text T during the day though, instead of this cold turkey ban on all contact.

MH I just don’t get your T. I can see why she’d say it was a mistake on her part to initiate texting you that day because she seems to feel that had she not done it, things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did. But it does seem grossly unfair to say it was a mistake when it’s exactly the sort of contact you’re needing.

It does sound that she is thinking of your best interests, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s getting it right.

I really do not like her analogy using your children. I’d guess that no you WOULDN’T stop contacting them, you’d do even more to try and get close to them to help them. So I think that was a specious analogy.

It’s clear that she’s not withdrawing the option to text totally. It’s HER responses that she’s withdrawing. Maybe that’s a good and clear enough boundary if that’s what she meant, that you can text as much and as often as you like, but that she won’t respond? Could you handle that? If she really stuck to it and didn’t reply at all, based on her being clear about that, then your feelings would be much clearer and you wouldn’t get mired in the grey area of her responding sometimes, inconsistently and arbitrarily and thus getting confused about you can and can’t expect.

Ah, I just read that you said she would still respond to your texts during weekdays. So the boundary is still not really clear at all. Still leaves it all open for you to text, not get a response in the time you would expect one and the whole thing escalates again.

MH can I ask what you think would be the ideal solution to what’s going on with the texting? Do you think you could cope with T responding to your texts during weekdays, but not necessarily immediately or even within a reasonable amount of time? Or would it be better if she didn’t respond at all?

I hope you can sort some more of this out next session, or at least find a place where you are ok with the whole texting issue (fwiw it seems to me that the stuff coming up about texting might actually reflect a more general issue and that the work you’re doing now on the texting situation, actually addresses other things too... don’t know if you agree with that though?)

Hugs to you ((((((( MH ))))))

LL