I m f***ed up...i realize it but I don’t think I realize it enough!

let me start by confessing about the many wrong things that I’ve done in my life (the past few years)...about 6 years ago I met this guy online we fell in love we met, we liked each other so much we stayed together for about 3 years living separated he was somewhere in the Midwest and I was in the east coast I couldn’t bare the distance between us and he was always busy with either school or work and so was I so it was impossible to meet often or even once a year so I decided to do something about it and move to him ( in the Midwest) I lied to my parents about being given a scholarship in one of the schools there and they fell for it and trusted me and let me go.'

When I went there I went to live with him my parents would have never approved it because we weren’t officially married (we didn’t have a formal wedding) so they thought that I was living in a dorm! so I stayed there and finally registered for school and found a job everything was fine, one day I got pregnant and I couldn’t tell my parents about it so I went and got rid of it (I had an abortion).

My fiancé at the time didn’t want me to get rid of the pregnancy he said we will tell them and take full responsibility for our actions but I didn’t want to lose the trust that my parents gave me and I did the stupid thing! A few months later I started messing around in one of the online chat rooms...

I used to work night shift so I was always bored and I had a plenty of time to waste, I was taking online classes at the time nothing heavy so I spent long hours in the chat room to the point where I chatted there every single day including weekends and for long hours. (It was fun! I made friends there, we used to laugh, listen to music, exchange ideas…etc) and there I met one guy which I sympathized with, he had serious problems (I helped him with money, I sent him about 5000 dollars to help him pay for his medical expenses and other immigration legal fees ) and then I met another (second) guy which seduced me (he was living in France) and whom I fell in love with and with whom I started a relationship and (a double life) I adopted a different personality with him .

I never told him I was engaged or I lived with somebody he always thought I was single and that I had nobody in my life and he loved me so much and so did I (maybe not in the same way, but I loved talking to him, spending so much time with him either on the internet or the phone, I loved the excitement...etc) and we developed a very advanced level of intimacy we even made love on the phone ( what we call cybersex) and him too had financial problems so I helped him with money a few times.

[me and my fiancé barely had sex at the time, he was never horny and when he was it was always a quickie 3 minutes max I never orgasmed never felt anything with him) He started noticing that I changed and that I was less and less involved in the relationship with him day after day. I was too careful to delete the chat history, pictures, delete my text messages, calls...etc but I guess we can never be too careful he managed to catch me three times in a period of two years either by reading my emails, or text messages or finding out some way! and every time it hurt him so much and broke his heart apart but I used to deny every time (which was a stupid thing to do because he had a strong evidence each and every time and which he still has until today) I ended up admitting after each time and I said that I was sorry and that I was weak and I couldn’t control myself and that I will never do it again and I assured him that I was not involved with this guy emotionally it was only a flirt thing and it will go away I NEVER ADMITTED ABOUT THE CYBER SEX PART .

He managed to believe me and forgive me but never forgot or got over it, he was always spying on me and every time he found something suspicious, I refused to give him my passwords or let him mess with my phone...

After the last time I got caught I went back to my country for a month during the summer and my fiancé stayed here in the States and I had still not stopped talking to the guy I was cheating with and I ended meeting him and even having SEX with him my fiancé (husband) had no idea that I was planning to meet the guy or that I was still talking to him and he still doesn’t know anything about it..

Now it’s been over with that guy for a few months already. shortly after I got involved with somebody else which I think I m seriously in love with he is more of my type! ! We have been together for almost 7 months now we never met, we talk on the phone and we chat everyday he is also in another country he doesn’t know about me being engaged or that I was living with a guy at the time we started talking.

I found it impossible to do the same thing with this new one as I had done with the first one because I stopped working at night and my fiancé is almost at home every time I’m home. So its impossible for me to communicate freely, I found an excuse that my father is sick and that I have to support my family so I moved back to my parent’s house (which up until now still don’t know that I was living with my fiancé) they love him dearly and cant wait for us to finish school and get married officially.

Now I find it hard to pretend, my fiancé has noticed that I don’t call him anymore, I never do, he always calls and when he calls I always manage to get off the phone as quickly as I can. I feel bad for doing this I told him that I was not right for him and that I still haven’t changed and that he deserves better. He doesn’t want to get it I told him every excuse possible to make him dump me but he tells me he loves me and he is not gonna quit trying until i change and he doesn’t want to waste the six years that we spent together like that.

I went to the Midwest this past week to take my exams cause I’m taking my classes remotely from the east coast and I had to go to his place because he wouldn’t let me go to a hotel, and during the time I spent there he didn’t stop asking me to change and to get back in track and help him fix the relationship he even found an email that I sent to this guy that I’m with now and he pretended that he didnt see it and he also thought that I did it on purpose so he would leave me he thinks I FAKED IT.


Bottom line… now I find myself with debts, graduation delay, a lack of motivation to do anything, guilt, regret, confusion, disgust… you name it!


I FEEL HORRIBLE, I WANT TO BREAK UP WITH MY FIANCE YET I KNOW HE IS THE BEST ONE FOR ME HE ALWAYS CARED FOR ME, NEVER HURT ME OR CHEATED ON ME. HE WAS ALAWAYS THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM ALWAYS THERE TO SUPPORT ME AND FORGIVE MY MISTAKES.


But I think I fell out love with him, I like him I do care for him but not like (romantically) maybe just as a friend or something… Why is it that I’m going after what I don’t need? The boyfriend I’m with now makes my life so complicated he is very hard to deal with but I love him…


I feel like I work hard for things that I end up letting go… like my fiancé whom I left my parents for and went across the coast to and the guy whom I didn’t even know and helped with 5000 dollars and did let him go as soon as I found the second one and whom I also helped financially I did let him go as soon as I found this third one and I just don’t want to make the mistake with this last one which I know and feel like he is not the right one I’m putting too much into the relationship which I’m probably going to end pretty soon.

i focus on him more than i focus with my school or family or even myself
Confessions
I feel depressed, stupid, worthless, ashamed of my actions and so many other ways (negative). I’m a very smart person (used to be) im still a successful person at work and at school i come from a very good household I don’t understand how could I be making all these bad decisions what’s getting into me??? What’s wrong with me??
And by the way no body besides my fiancé knows about my issues! I MEAN REALLY NOBODY I’m a role model for a lot of my friends, and I’m the child whose parents are proud of and the friend who listens and advises to her friends and help them and yet i seem to be the one with SERIOUS ISSUES and a sister who watches over her siblings and the daughter whom her parents count on her with everything but IF THEY ONLY KNEW THE REALITY OF THINGS!


I’m not asking you to help me with anything… just write your comments and I promise to not take anything personal
I know I’m a coldblooded bitch!