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Help!! (New to this board, breaking out of major boundary crossing I believe)

P pinkyMember
I'm new here, a 34 yr old mom to 3 kids.


In 2009 began seeing someone for counseling and then in Feb. 2010 I was admitted to the hospital as I was awaiting back surgery. The entire 3 months I was in there, she came daily with her daughter (who was/is the same age as me) and I quickly drew away from my family.

Long story short, I ended up staying with them after my surgery and have been with them ever since. Within a few months I got a tattoo with her daughter, then I changed my name to take their last name about 8 months after "moving in".

I feel like I was dead in my skin, now looking back. I could never call her "mom" even though she called me her daughter and her daughter called me her sister.

I got in to an awesome counselor in the fall of 2011 and FINALLY a year ago I began talking about the feelings about the dynamics here. (They feel controlling and I have conformed to them completely)

Fast forward to April 2013, I began breaking away emotionally and physically FINALLY improved greatly.

They both "need" me to NEED them and I stopped doing that, and got much better as months went by.

In October 2013 I emailed her (I'll call her T, since she was my therapist for a few months prior to all of this) and told her I couldn't carry the daughter and sister roles anymore as I was working through my own issues in counseling etc.

Then everything went downhill from there as they both just ignore my kids and I now (we are at this point in the same house) and her daughter is obviously discontent with me for "dissolving" the family as she puts it.

Last week I emailed them both (I cant talk to them face to face, I dont get anywhere because neither of them will ever admit they are wrong) and said the kids and I cannot keep living with them and so I would like to stay in the house and have them move out, but if they don't wish to move then I will.


My question/dilemma is this: Altho I don't want to be vindictive etc the truth is I have now spend hours upon hours in counseling unraveling my mind from the corruption caused by the dynamics here. Now I am afraid I will have to move and I think it's best for my kids to stay here.

I'm pretty sure she breached her ethics way back in 2010 and NONE of this should have happened.


I made contact back with my family just before Christmas and they all think I was controlled by her etc which I'm not disagreeing with. It has just been a really screwed up situation because she wanted me to be her daughter and her daughters sister.

I'm in the process of also legally changing my name BACK to what it was prior to 2011.


Anyone have any helpful suggestions for me or direction? I am in counseling currently and she is worth the $100/hour but the fact that I have now spend thousands because of the person who USED to be my T....there must be something I can do to get help with this??

My blog is @ http://www.madebythehearth.blogspot.ca which tells alot more of my story.
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Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Pinky,
Welcome Welcome to the forum. My reaction to reading your post was followed by

In my opinion, she completely violated professional boundaries just by visiting with her daughter at the hospital let alone moving you in and making you part of her family. May I ask what her credentials are and if she is still a practicing therapist?

If she is still practicing I would really urge you to make a complaint about her to the licensing board as she is dangerous to her clients. I also think you might have a case for malpractice against her which would allow you to recover some of the cost of healing. She took a vulnerable patient who came to her for help and then used you to meet her and her daughter's needs. It's abusive in nature since the power dynamic in therapy leans towards the therapist and holding the boundaries are always their responsibility.

You'll probably need to consult a lawyer who handles therapy malpractice suits to see if you have a case, I have no idea how difficult it is to win. But short of actually having sex with a patient, this is about as egregious as it gets. I am sorry that you were so betrayed by someone whom you went to for help.

AG

PS That was not a boundary crossing but a boundary violation.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Pinky,
I don't know where you live but in the US, most of the major organizations code of ethics include something along the line of there needing to be two years between the end the therapy and the beginning of another type of relationship and that it is NOT ethical to end therapy just to begin the waiting period. I shudder to think what this woman has done to you and is doing to other clients. I think you feel violated because you were, I am glad you are seeking out help to deal with the fallout.

Sorry, just saw Vancouver as your location, not sure if this applies in Canada, but more than likely it does.
P pinkyMember
I'm in BC Canada...I've read the code of ethics for Canadian counseling and I'm clear that she breached a few of them.

My confusion has come when I remember what she said about how she was my advocate, not my therapist.

I'm so thankful I am changing my name BACK to what it was..I just can't believe I did that but my current counselor says it is all part of conforming and people pleasing etc etc...


Complicated!!!!!
MallardMallardMember
Pinky,

This sounds like a very serious boundary violation to me.

Regarding her role as 'advocate' it would not be ethical really for one's therapist to stop being a therapist one day and become an advocate the next, so she is still on shaky ethical ground in my opinion. It smacks to me of your ex-T trying to cover her own back.

Also, your ex-T couldn't simply choose to name herself your advocate, there would need to be mutual agreement on that role - and usually a period of time between the end of one type of relationship and the start of another. Some regulatory bodies say 2 years, some say never. An advocate's role sounds very different to how your T has conducted herself.

Are you currently living in your ex-T's house with your children?

The other thing I would say is that if you are considering taking legal action, I'd be very careful with your computer security, passwords etc. It's best you maintain a good level of privacy while you decide what you want to do.

I'm sorry you have had such a rough time of it.
P pinkyMember
Hi all,

Thanks for the responses and support.

Since October's email to her I had to start making LOTS of changes/undoing lots of things that had been changed since 2010.

-my own bank account (I got her name put on mine in 2011 because I was going back for another surgery and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time...thankfully I can now see the big picture)


-my own vehicle (we shared 2 and after getting my email she demanded the 1 back within a month, I thankfully got my own vehicle 2 weeks later)

- getting kitchen items together- I got rid of all of my kitchen stuff and so thankfully I have got alot now. The thought of starting over was overwhelming at times but I feel MUCH better now since I've been able to assemble alot of what I need.

- name change (it's getting sent in today after I get fingerprinted)

- tattoo consultation Tuesday to get this covered up- her daughter an I got matching ones, I didn't pick it and I actually would not have chosen it but it apparently meant we were sisters forever (I shudder now to think about that)

- Got my cell unlocked to hook it up on a different carrier if she cuts it off once getting my email tomorrow about how I'm not paying the extra $ for rent... I needed that lined up because you guessed it- my cell is on her account as of the fall of 2010 (i pay my portion each month)


So I have been needing to sort of "prepare" things so that I wasn't without a vehicle, cell phone, etc etc etc...way too many changes happened and I am thankful to be undoing them all now.

But it all costs $ ... so aside from stressing out about that factor I have simply put it into order of priority...tho I do know that moving out as soon as i "saw the light" would have been the best, it was NOT possible if I wanted to maintain what sanity I had left.

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