Hi Quilter... I would definitely ask for a termination session because I would want the closure. I was terminated forcefully... actually abandoned by my T of 3 years and I didn't really get a term session and I have no closure and it's been hellish to live with that.

What I don't understand is why she wants to terminate with you. You say to her "it's too hard and I can't do it"... do you think you could do it with a different T? What I'm asking is....are you struggling because of something she is doing or because of something inside of yourself that won't allow you to move forward? Have you tried discussing with her why you feel it's too hard? Does she make you feel safe in there? It could take upwards of a year just to settle in and feel safe enough within the relationship before you start to tell her the things that brought you to therapy in the first place. Does she stress the importance of building the relationship?

It's hard for me to offer much advice without knowing more about your dynamic with her.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this topic. It's really hard. Maybe consult T can give you some clarity on the issues.

TN

Yes, you definitely need a termination session at the very least to get some answers to your questions and to get some closure. I know how hard it can be to not dissociate when you are hearing painful news. It helps if you repeat the things she says to you, sort of helps me stay present when I do that.

I really hope you get some answers and are able to walk away with a better understanding of what went wrong.

(((((Quilter))))

Hey, it’s so good to “see” you and I am glad you posted and shared. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. I really have no idea how to handle stuff like this. I have been in a similar situation – so I can tell you what I did and how I handled it. It may not be a good way to go about it, but I can say that you are certainly not alone in the pain and confusion you are feeling.

When my old T terminated – it was confusing nd unclear too. She didn’t really ever terminate, and didn’t really ever reschedule. In the mix of it, she did offer an appointment, and I was lost as to what it’s purpose was. As the appointment came near, I freaked out... I panicked and in the end, I called my T and then like you, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t handle it. So the appointment was canceled and I didn’t hear back. For some time, even as I moved on to a new T, I longed to meet with my old T to have some sense about what the heck even happened or anything. At the same time, it was awful to even try to imagine meeting with her and handling whatever she said and facing the situation again. In the end, I made my decision to not ask her to reschedule that unknown session again. I wasn’t sure about my old T, I wasn’t sure about my new T, all I was really sure of is that it was too much to handle for me to meet with her. For awhile, I thought maybe in time. Now, I could meet with her again. I’m in that place where it might actually be helpful and bring some sense of closure. (Yet ironically I don’t feel like I need too or want too – go fig.) In the end, I think one of the most helpful things was the support of my new T and the support of everyone here.

Having the termination session is probably a very good idea. Maybe if it is too hard right now, wait some time until you are in a little better place. Yet at the same time, it can be hard to get to that place without more clarity from your old T. At the same time, it might be too hard to even receive that clarity on your own. If the new T is suggesting to meet with the old T again, that would be a good thing to take into consideration, especially if your T now is a good fit for you and someone you could lean on at least for support and to help process through things. If you are not yet so sure about your T now being a support for sorting through ending the relationship with the old T, then maybe wait a little amount of time before you meet with old T to get some support around it…?

I’m not sure… but I know this process is tough. I'm so sorry you are hurting. It’s gonna get easier. Hang in there.

lots of hugs,
~jane

I am sorry you are going through this. I would consider carefully and use the new T that you have had an initial session with, for guidance and support as you work out what to do.
From what you have written, there is a major dissonance going on between this present T and you - this can be something that you work through fruitfully or it can be a sign that it is time for you to work more fruitfully with someone else.
Whatever you decided I would suggest using this new T for support and you work through it and also I would suggest that you have at least one or two sessions to 'end well' with the present T, IF you choose to end.
I feel for you. Along with TN - I have been terminated and it was horrendous. It is now five months later and it does not hurt so much.

I knew that posting here would make me feel a little better! Thanks everyone for your responses. Here is a little more info. in response to your questions. I will respond to each individually because it is a lot.
Springgreen- My reservations about Consult T... she has just one review written about her online and it is horrible... sounds like someone was really mad at her like I am mad at my t. right now. Then I mentioned her to an acquaintance who works in the mental health field around here so has heard about different t.'s and she said, "Oh, I heard (consult t.) was a quack." She didn't have specifics to back this up so she could just be randomly saying this based on what I told her about the online review, but this plus online review is enough to make me unsure.
TN- I have tried discussing with her why it feels like it is too hard and she pretty much just validates my feelings but says she can't/won't be the voice of authority that I want that says things will get easier. That I have to find it inside myself (and I'm trying but I can't find the strength myself yet, that's why I'm going to a Dr. to help!!) She doesn't focus on the relationship and although there is transference stuff going on on my side, I do not feel like I connected to her (just to the idea of her). She makes me really nervous.
Ladygrey- I love your idea about repeating things as I am dissociating. I really want to try this! I hope it helps!
Janedoe-It makes me feel so much better to hear about your very similar experience. I do really want to know what happened and I want to talk to her so badly, but I just can't do it. I think that I have to cancel my appointment for this week and lean on new T. for awhile for support and ideas and then maybe in a bit I can go back to old T to have the closure she is offering.
Monte- love the response... just bitter enough to feed into my anger You are right- I don't want to fund her "comfortable lifestyle" anymore!
Sadly- I agree with the idea using the new T. for support around this.
Blanketgirl- Though it is interesting to hear that you and your t. had the same conversation and worked through it. I am sure that we could work through it too, but I think this is a good place to leave and works out because the scheduling stuff (and insurance stuff because she's out of network) is driving me crazy. (would have been fine if our relationship was going smoothly, but just one more thing to worry about now that it is not.

Everyone- seems like everyone is suggesting a termination session, which I am being offered but I just can't imagine it would be productive. Have any of you who had a termination or an ending with their t. had success getting their feelings out in ways other than having a closing session? Like maybe I should try a phone call again? Or I have about 14 drafted letters that I wrote to her- should I send one? For my own personal closure, I just want to say what I need to say about how I am feeling and how much she hurt me (more than I even want to figure out what happened).
Thanks again for everyone's help!!