I was the chair of the organizing committee for an event on saturday celebrating the 100th anniversary of the kids' school opening. It has taken a huge amount of time and energy over the last 8 months. Last week the teacher and the principal made some unilateral changes to the event and things got very difficult. I spent both my sessions talking about it which was great but felt like I was avoiding the huge issue of whether I should take a break from therapy and my feelings about my therapist and his incredible ability to avoid disclosing about himself.

Short story - I gave him a card with the therapy tales comic Trust http://talesoftherapy.wordpres...st-therapy-tales-62/ and I told him how much giving it to him meant to me because I have had the card in my journal for years and I never thought I would feel that much trust in him. He told me understood why it meant a lot to me. I talked about how much I trusted him. He talked about how trust was variable and sometimes I didn't trust him. After I realized he said nothing about him. No the card touches me. No I appreciate the work you've done. No I find our work together valuable.

After my event I really wanted to tell him about it and I felt sad I couldn't. then I felt terrible because I can't talk to him until wednesday, our relationship isn't real etc. so I emailed him and talked to him this morning and he couldn't help. He thinks I feel sad because I am adding a lot of layers to the pain of not being able to connect. I think the situation is painful and I don't know how to live with that pain. So I sent him the following email

"sorry I called you

I was hoping that if I could explain to you what was so painful then you could help me with how awful I feel.

I think this is the situation. I wish I could talk to you before wednesday and you don't have time until then. I am sad over that. I am hurt because I think if you cared more about me you would find the time to talk to me. That may not be true but I feel like it is. I have an ongoing problem of thinking that I and my feelings matter to you. Things like this seem like proof of that or at least proof that I don't matter enough.

I don't think I am adding to the pain that exists in the situation. Perhaps I am less able to manage the pain of what is "normal" about wanting to connect with someone who is unavailable. I think therapy might just be an ongoing wound which doesn't stop hurting because I trust you more or I've shared more of what hurts me constantly and maybe it hurts worse because there is so much more to miss. I don't know.

I think there are lots of other layers like how much easier it is for me to talk when I'm dealing with a present day situation like the the 100th celebration with fewer triggers to my past and how much more "right" those sessions feel in one way and like I've wasted them in another; the fear that we won't be able to talk about this on wednesday either; the fear that you don't know if this will get any better because maybe I am incapable of living with the pain of a therapeutic relationship because for so much of the time I feel rejected; or that you will be angry at my feelings.

I don't think it is the layers that are making me want to quit therapy. I think it is just the current pain and my belief that it is going to hurt whenever I stop seeing you and I would rather start the really big grieving over not seeing you at all than keep having the continual grieving over not being able to see you now."

Anyone have any advice about this. I feel like I want like therapy is just poking at the wound in me and I don't see how it could help anymore. I trust him. I know he cares. It isn't enough.