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18 replies

Here Goes...

T tasMember
So, I went to therapy today because the Therapist said that the Saturday appointment was contingent upon me coming today...and that if I didn't come today that he would not allow me to touch base with him as well...if I didn't come I wouldn't have another appointment with him and I wouldn't be able to touch base with him during this time...

So, I went today...I did call and say I wasn't coming but that was because I was so embarrassed by how I spoke to him that I didn't want to face him...He told me I had to face him sooner or later...which is true and I understand that...so I went in...

I apologized...He did most of the talking...He stated that he wasn't going to allow me to touch base with him anymore...and further, he had given away the Saturday appointment to someone else because he stated he didn't know I was coming in...

I told him I would let him know by 11 am if I was coming in and I did...he knew that if I came in today that I would be coming in Saturday...we had scheduled this appointment two weeks ago...and changed our meeting time from Wednesday to Saturday due to my class schedule...

I had done really well during the meeting today, not crying...maintaining my cool...and then he tells me he scheduled someone else because he didn't know if I was coming in...I got so upset with him...I told him he did this on purpose to make me cry...that he tricked me...

He said that wasn't his intention...I told him that he said if I came in today...that we would keep our appt for Saturday...but he knew when I came in that touching base and our appointment for Saturday was already off the table...he didn't tell me...he let me come in anyway, as uncomfortable as it was...I kept saying, "You did this on purpose...you wanted this to happen..."

He called and left a voice mail after I left him a message saying I simply couldn't believe what he did today. He said he wasn't trying to trick me and that, that was the furthest thing from his mind...He said he hoped we could move forward but honestly, I truly don't know if I can...he intentionally gave the appointment away and he should have waited until he heard at 11 a.m. He could have let that client know today, if I didn't come in...

I can't seem to shake that he did this purposefully and he wanted this to happen. It was nothing for him to put someone else in the place that we had scheduled two weeks ago...

He said he is sorry that I am hurt over this but hopes we can move forward...I think it's just words...and more words...

I don't like being tricked or a sudden rule change that I am supposed to just be okay with...

Anyway, session was crap today. Crap. Hope everyone else is having a better week.

T.
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B bltMember
Sorry TAS, that sounds miserable and disappointing. But I have to agree with your T here. I don't think he was trying to trick you and change the rules on purpose. I know you have a nasty case of negative transference and it's not your fault, but what I see over and over in your posts is you are looking for a reason to find fault in him, to fight with him, and to assume he doesn't have your best interests at heart. The advice is just the same, which is to keep going back and trying to work it out. But I know it's really hard!
L lieseMember
(((TAS)))

I don't think he was trying to trick you either BUT I can see how it would be really difficult to trust him after this, after he told you these other things were contingent upon you coming in today?? Is it yesterday now already?

Anyway, I think he owes you a satisfactory explanation as to why he told you one thing over the phone and another in person. It would seem to me that he'd have to prove himself that he isn't pushing you away. I think he's going to have to do a bit more work in terms of helping you to "move forward".

Just my opinion but I'd have a hard time with this one too - although I do know you are having the negative transference issues - this one would throw a wrench in there for me.

I don't think a T should just give away a scheduled appointment without checking with that person someone first.

T tasMember
Thank you for the replies. The negative transference has been very difficult. I keep thinking if I had positive transference, it would be so much easier...but I am sure it wouldn't be...

So, I called him and told him I was still coming in at 1 pm and he would have to gently tell his other client that he made a scheduling mistake. (Left a voicemail)

I am waiting to hear back. I do feel that he tricked me, purposefully. When I came into the office, we had an agreement. If I came in, I would see him Saturday and I could still keep touching base. I feel that he ambushed me and knew that he was taking those things away. He could have let me know before I came in and paid money for him to do what he did. But, he didn't.

So, he is going to have to deal with his choice. I am going in Saturday and I will be waiting just like his other client. I want to hear what he is going to say. Maybe it seems mean, but he made the choice to do what he did and he expects me to just be okay with it. I am not. I do think he did this purposefully.

Thank you for the replies...
T.
L lieseMember
((((TAS))))

I could be way off base here but I think it's SO great that you asserted yourself in this situation. If he truly told you the appointment was yours if you went in yesterday, then it was HIS mistake. Why should you be the one to lose the appointment because he screwed up and/or why should he not in the very least apologize for screwing up? (did he apologize? did I miss something?)

What will happen next though? Either he will cancel with the other person or insist that your spot has been given away and he can't change that.

What will you do in either scenario? If he reschedules with the other person, will that help you trust him more that he didn't do it intentionally or will there still be some lingering doubt? And, if so, how can he help you overcome that?

It seems to me that if he refuses to move the other perosn, even if his intent is NOT to push you away, it might have that effect anyway. It would be hard NOT to feel rejected in that scenario.

I've had a ton of negative transference. What my T ultimately had to do was to really make it safe for me to reach out to him as almost anything would make me feel rejected. I am an extreme case in that way.

Aside from the rejection issues, so much of this is also about empowerment. By changing the appointment and the outside contact stuff without at last seeking input from you first, he was acting unilaterally. If feeling powerless is an issue you struggle with, it could have the effect of amplifying that dynamic. It also serves to infantilize you as he seems to know what's best for you more than you do: no outside contact. No discussion there. You were just told of his decision.

I'm not trying to make more problems here than you already have with the negative transference - just that I see some valid issues here.

From everything else you've said about your T, he sounds incredibly caring (even though you doubt it) and very good. I'm sure there are T's who do this kind of thing all the time but giving away a scheduled appointment without consultation isn't right on a number a levels. Same goes for unilaterally changing rules of contact without discussion.

Good luck. Let us know what happens.

Hug two
Last edited by liese
sdsdMember
Tas. He has given you another appt, which is great. OF course you should go as he has done what you wanted.

I have been wondering.... If you changed T's - would you be as ? defensive or combatant ? not sure of the word - with another T? would you be happier with a female T, a different T? Is it just this T that annoys you or T's in general?

You seem to spend 90% of your energy in being defensive / protecting yourself etc rather than working WITH your T. You keep turning up to your appointments and clearly want some help - but never seem to work with HIM in a relationship.

If you really think that you aren't going to be able to work with your T - maybe look for another, or look into doing group therapy or equine therapy or something a bit different rather than 1 on 1? I just wish you weren't struggling so much.

Somedays
T tasMember
I hope the following answers some questions...we all at some level have experience transference and I can honestly say that I had no idea when I began therapy that there was even such a thing...so when the negative transference began...let's just say...it's been very difficult to deal with.

Now, I did go today because I went partially with the intent of speaking to him about changing therapists. I did explain to him that I couldn't keep doing this to him...because it's not fair to him and I certainly don't like what I am experiencing.

I told him that maybe I should find another therapist...I know that I CAN NOT see a female therapist. Too many issues from my past involving a female.

So, he stated that this would occur even if I saw someone else. I don't want to start all over with someone else and I do realize a lot of this has to do with my own perceptions and how I view life in general.

I must say I did see three different therapists when the negative transference was so difficult that I thought, "I just have to go..." The first one was too syrupy...the second...his office was so messy and you could write your name in the dust on one of the tables in his office...and the other, I just knew it wasn't going to work...he was a Christian counselor (no offense)...

If he really wanted to get rid of me, he had his opportunity today. I told him I was really trying. I had no idea when I started this that the negative transference would even come to the forefront.

I don't mean to misspeak, but at least if I had positive transference...I would at least like going to therapy Smiler

I know the problem is not him...and when you find yourself consistently dealing with your own transference issues...and you are baffled as to why you do what you do...it is not an easy road.

Thank you guys for your encouragement...I really appreciate it. I think someone should write a book on negative transference for those who struggle with it and how not to let it become the focus of therapy. It can derail one from the original reason why they came to therapy.

T.
closeddoorscloseddoorsMember
((( TAS )))
i think if people haven't experienced negative transference, it can be very difficult to understand. it IS a difficult thing to experience. it's NOT intentional and there is no magical button that you can press to turn it off, even though you may wish for such a thing. i hope to get back here to write more, but can't right now. i just happened to pop in for a minute and saw your post and i wanted to tell you that i think you're doing some awesome work, and i think your T is, too!!! hey! maybe you could write that book! i'd buy it!!! Smiler
L lieseMember
((((TAS)))

It's so great you went and had a good session. Sounds like you are starting to believe that he's not trying to get rid of you. Maybe that's a sign that you are starting to build some new positive feelings and hopefully they were counterbalance the negative feelings? I love CD's suggesting that you write the book on negative transference.

greeneyesgreeneyesMember
Transference is very tricky to manage nd negative transference is especially difficult. For what its worth I had a huge negative transference with my T for about 25 sessions last year and the only way I found to get over to was to set It aside and try and do some work. My T knew that me setting it aside in no way condoned his actions or meant I was any less angry or rageful. Hang in there!
avoidantavoidantMember
((((TAS))))

Sorry, I meant to chip in on your thread on Friday. I've had a big issue with positive transference over the past year, and if the intensity of your negative transference is the same; and from what you say I think it is; then I can only imagine how hard it has been for you.

quote:
I keep thinking if I had positive transference, it would be so much easier...but I am sure it wouldn't be...


I'm not so sure about that. I absolutely look forward to each and every session with T and will knowingly forgive her anything. I still see her as that paragon of perfection who can do no wrong. It IS hard, yes; but I'm sure that working with -ve transference must be harder still, and the very fact that you are still there working at it shows great strength. I have a feeling that I might have given up a long time if I were in your shoes, so all credit to you.

As CD says:-

quote:
. it's NOT intentional and there is no magical button that you can press to turn it off, even though you may wish for such a thing


Absolutely. NO transference is intentional, and we simply have to keep working on it.

Keep hanging in there TAS.
deeplyrooteddeeplyrootedMember
Hi TAS,
I don't think we have met so I will tell you I spent years in negative transference with my former T and it was hellish. I didn't understand why I couldn't fully trust her or why I felt the way I did. I may not explain this very well but for me I had to learn to follow those negative feelings back to the first time I felt that pain in childhood. Then to focus those hurt feelings on the original person who triggered them and make the current pain about the first offense. I was not very good at it because my T didn't help me tease apart my negative feelings about her and make them about what happened in the past. The negative feelings continued to be about my relationship with her. I figured out that I would not have been triggered by something she did if I didn't already have a wound in that area that needed healing. Gosh, I hope that makes sense. I could give you an example from my own experience but I don't have the time right now. I hope you are able to come to some resolution with you T. If you work well together, it might be really worth the effort.

deeplyrooted

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