Just a message to say 'hi' and sorry for not being here as often as I was.
I think things have been changing a lot and studying is taking up a lot of my thoughts and energy, so I'm sorry that I haven't been on here for such a long time.
Things seem to be changing in different and weird ways. Ultimately, I'm not sure where I am in my head space right now. I think I'm trying to let out my anger and I think I have worked out that I'm am in complete control of myself because I'm scared to let go and feel what might be underneath.
I'm socializing with friends better because I feel that I can't rely on my parents these days, though it might change later...
But mainly, I'm sorry for being a selfish communicator. I am a VERY selfish communicator and I feel guilty for that. I am better than before. I've got so used to living in my own world that I just retreat into it and forget what I've invested in. Suddenly, given the moment and phase of my life, I phase things in and out without thinking and things don't last either. I have two close friends from school but that's because they have insisted on keeping contact and now that I'm better at socializin gand keeping promises, I am working on building stronger bonds too.
I've got a psychiatric assessment in about two weeks which I look forward to. *trigger* I have engaged in a bit of self harm because anxiety levels seem to be on the rise at times and I can't handle them.
It's both a positive but also difficult period. I think the more I'm learning to let go, perhaps the more chaos I feel and the more unsure I am as a result which is maybe why I feel I am dissociating. I'm not sure if its dissociation but I get days where I am so not with it...where I'm walking down the road (like today) and my mental energy is so low and I feel so much in a trance that I just want to walk back home and go to sleep.
Anywho, thats the heads up. I hope you are all okay? I'm going to work harder on being more present here even if my mind wants to close down. It's such a strong emotional pull when my mind wants to wonder elsewhere and forget what I invested time in with the past but I need to learn to be more constant. It's hard when impulsivity is at the heart of my personality it seems.
Let me know how you all are? Or I hope you are okay?
Thanks for reading guys. I'll try to make it on here at least a few times a week, even if I'm not in the mindframe but if I don't, I hope you won't mind. It can really be hard sometimes to be consistent...when you learn self-sufficiency at such a young age, I think it is hard for some of us to think of others empathetically when we go through a lot. Well for me its monumentally hard sometimes, or at least half the time. ((love and hugs to all
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