Thank you all for your replies, it helps me to accept my own feelings.
Somedays,
Thanks for saying you would be affected too. I really understand about the plant, I would feel that way also. I do realize the other person might now realize what they were doing, and I cannot know without talking to them, but please trust me, it does not take a rocket scientist to observe that most of the stuff on the table are gifts from clients. I have mentioned something new on the table (yes, I notice ANY changes in the office environment) and my T has commented if it is something he got himself. But I take your point. One of the things my T was pointing out was that it was ok I was feeling that way and expressing it.
And you’re also right, there is something incredibly intimate, and vulnerable, about this object. It just feels intrusive to me.
RE,
Thanks for your compassion and understanding. I do agree that my T is in bad spot (but I know him well enough to know he’s working through it with both of us.
) I understand your fears about removal. T and I once discussed it (I also have a counted cross stitch I designed and made for him hanging next to his desk. ) and he has told me that there is not room for everything he has been given over the years, but even when he needs to remove something it is treated with respect and care. My best guess is that as long as I am an active climate, my stuff will stay put.
But what you said does help in that I think part of me was bothered that my T allowed something to be placed in there, but I didn’t think through how it would have felt is he had stopped the other person; it would look like he was favoring me. And I will grant that he was allowing me the perfect freedom to do what I wanted. I told him I needed to think about it.
((Draggers))
quote:
Though i wouldnt be placing it anywhere...i'd be lobbing it!!the bloomin cheek of it....ok i would PLACE it next to the trash can.
Thank you Draggers, that totally cracked me up, and pretty much captured the feelings. Think they would get the hint?
I don’t really want to do that, but it is how I am feeling. MINE MINE MINE. It’s so lovely feeling like your average 3 year old is more mature than me right now.
TAS,
Not offended at all, I don’t openly ask for feedback unless I am prepared to hear anything.
I think you made a very important point and it reminded me of something that happened when I gave my T the box. When I gave it to him, I really was feeling very secure and had this sense of him having enough to give to all of his clients, so when I gave it to him, I told him that if someday he wanted to pass it along to someone else that would be really cool (evidently I am not as sanguine about the possibility as I’d like to think.
) and he had this great reaction. He actually clutched it to his chest and said they could take a picture of it but it was his. There was also a session during which I noticed the box was closed and commented on it. He told me he didn’t know who closed it and there was a pause. Then he asked “do you want it open?” (it was a highly timely question) and I said “that is the question, isn’t it? I want it open” and I leaned forward and opened it up. He broke out in this big grin and said “thanks for waiting for me to ask, it is mine now.”
AND you are also right that the meaning between us is not changed. That box is only a symbol of the mystery that holds the stars apart. that we carry each other in our hearts, a connection which transcends time and space and will exist long after that box and stone have turned to dust.
But dammnit! It’s my symbol, go get your own! Just keepin’ it honest, here.
Thanks for this, it was very helpful.
((Cogs))
You’re right, the most my T has ever said about anything that has appeared on that table is something very neutral along the lines of “yes that’s new.” He would never talk about another client’s feelings aside from an abstract example. And it seems churlish to complain, since I do love having it there and am very aware that its in plain sight for any other clients. The truth is, and I told my T this, I do not want to share him. I know that I have to, and in my better moments know that I do NOT matter less because he cares for other people (I mean I certainly have other relationships which are as important to me). Love is NOT zero-sum game, we always have as much as we need. I know this desire comes from a young part of me that longs to be special and cherished. Its not really even about my T, but the poor man bears the brunt of it.
I love the idea of your monkey, but don’t think you should worry about it. Your T knew what he was doing and I have to believe that if it was something from another client, he would not have offered it unless it knew it was going to be ok with them. I mean, I don’t think my T said, “hey do you want to put something in the heart box?”
quote:
I am almost imagining a repetive loop, you take it out and put it beside the heart box, other client puts it back in during their session, you take it out,...and so on and so on.
I had the same thought Cogs.
And had to laugh at how farcical it would be. I haven’t decided if I want to do anything, I really just felt a need to express how I felt, but if I was going to do something, I would take it out for my sessions, then put it back. Since that’s when I do get him to myself.
Ah yes, isn’t grist fun?! Thank you.
Becca,
There’s a thought, I could provide another heart box.
I just can’t help worrying about how they would be affected, especially since it was more than likely perfectly innocent. If they struggle the way I do with wanting T to themselves, and have a similar history, it might be very painful. I don’t want to put someone through that.
As for bravery, it took me like two months to bring it up.
And I only said something because it wasn’t going away. I think its more an indication of how deeply I trust my T. Thank you for responding.
OK my feelings are that the box is incredibly meaninful to me (it literally took me weeks of searching to find the right heart box because I wanted one appropriate to give to a man, It’s silverwith edge beading and lion’s paw feet. I actually ordered it from someone in London on ebay. And don’t get me started about how much time I spent picking out the stone heart and deciding on the type and color of stone. And I don’t like that someone else felt free to just plop something else down inside that. I’m not sure I care what their intention was, it just feels intrusive and I don’t like having to see it there. I think I may eve be jealous of their freedom to just do what they wanted and NOT get tied up in knots worrying about the person who put it there originally. Not sure what, if anything, I want to do about it, but its how I’m feeling.
Thanks for the feedback, I do like the idea of providing a whole bunch of hearts.
Hi curious,
Thanks for making an exception for me! I really appreicate your honesty about how you feel about the picture (random weird fact: I cannot stand butterflies and all the therapy related sayings around them. Gag me!) I relate to feeling like a selfish jerk, but after hearing everyone’s responses, it seems more like I am just having a normal human reaction. It really does help to know other people would feel this way. Giving myself room for my own feelings has always been a bit of an uphill battle for me.
Thanks again.
RM,
I think if my therapist had put it in, he would have told me. The fact that he’s not saying much about it tells me its another client. He also talked as if there was another person and he wouldn’t do that unless there was. But I do agree that the other person wouldn’t know the significance. I can see my T mentioning the poem (he brought it up to me the first time) and talking about how it symbolizes connection to another client, but not speaking of me specifically. I can also understand how someone hearing that might want to put something in there. I mean, I get how much it means to me to see my heart in there (or have my T’s heart in mine, depending on that day’s perspective). I really do think it’s wrong of me to presume ill intent. I think my feelings around that have a lot more to do with the fact that there wasn’t nearly enough care and attention to go around in my family growing up, so I think that my siblings and I could feel like it was a competition and that seeing someone else get cared for could feel threatening. The truth now is that my T is perfectly capable of, and does, care for both myself and the other client. I just want to know he likes me better.
I promise if I do anything or talk about it more, I’ll update. Thank you all again for taking the time to respond, this has really helped me. I was struggling with whether to post about it; I am glad that I decided to.
AG