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24 replies

Hey there -

smileysmileyMember
Hi to anyone who remembers me. I'm sorry I haven't been of much help to anyone here in a while. I've kind of been out there somewhere. While I have tried to keep up with everyone, I've had trouble concentrating for any length of time. I'll explain.

I had been dealing with alot of flashbacks and they were freaking me out. On top of that I've had issues with my partner, money crunches, and just plain everyday things that just pile up and finally explode. Then my world dropped, both of my bosses were fired. wow - after almost 20 years of working with them, poof they're gone. It was and still is terrible. My stress level has gone through the roof, I am fearing for my job, and I am really losing it.

I have been trying to talk myself into believing that I do a very good job here and that I always give 110%. In the end it really doesn't matter - if they want you gone, you're gone. I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose my job. It will be over for me. I can't even afford to go one day without a paycheck.

I finally "let go" over the weekend - only for a few moments mind you - I just sobbed and sobbed for a whopping 2 minutes and then was able to take control and pull myself together. I hate when I lose control. It seemed like an eternity.

Anyway, I am really freaking out over everything right now. It is taking everything I've got to just keep myself from pulling the trigger.

I don't want anyone to think they need to answer this, I totally understand if no one does. I just thank you for listening to my stupid little crap.
Original Post

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Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi Smiley,
It's not stupid little crap at all. Losing your two bosses after 20 years of working together is a pretty major loss, of course you're reeling. And to be threatened with the loss of your livelihood on top of it, just puts the stress meter through the roof. Actually to be very honest, your plate would be full to the point of overflowing just handling flashbacks on top of normal life. And you did a good thing letting yourself lose control and crying for two minutes (may I say I'd be delighted if I could manage to keep my crying down to two minutes? Smiler) It's important to allow yourself to acknowledge your (very justifiable and reasonable) feelings so that you don't end up acting them out. I'm really sorry for everything you're dealing with and hope that you can get some relief soon. In the meantime, I'm glad you're posting. And please don't worry about not responding, we've all been there, in places where all of our resources are directed towards what we need to deal with and there's not much left over. I'm getting there myself. It was really good to hear from you Smiley.

AG
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Smiley!! I've missed you...I thought your post had disappeared on my computer, because it was gone...but now it is back. I don't know what happened. It is so good to see you posting!
AG is right, it is not at all stuped little crap you are dealing with. It is huge and overwhelming, and I really feel for the place you are in right now. I'm so sorry about the flashbacks...I understand that those can be extremely exhausting and terrifying to deal with? And then to lose your two bosses after working so long with them, it is just awful. Add to that troubles with finances and all the rest of the struggles you are having, and it is really overwhelming...I'm glad you've reached out here for some support, that is so great. I hope you will feel free to vent and pour out your heart as you feel you may need so badly to do. It is ok, we will not judge you or think you are "not giving enough." Not at all. this forum is a place to come when our troubles are everwhelming and we desperately need to know there is another out there who cares. And when some are able, they "give", and when some need to "take" we take...and all of it is good, ok, and shouldn't give one any sense of guilt, one way or the other. Really.
thanks for letting us know where you are, and reaching out...I've been thinking and wondering where have you gone, so it is good to see you, although I am sorry that things are so hard right now. Frowner

Many comforting hugs,

BB
smileysmileyMember
Thank you AG,BB,DF! You guys are wonderful. The last two weeks that have piled on to the others has been really tough. I'm really feeling very depressed and just tired. I feel like I just keep getting dumped on. I am functioning but it is getting harder and harder to keep that smiley face on. I'm trying to talk to myself and say it will all be ok but I'm not believing it.

Doom and gloom is all I can see right now. What a shit place to be. I don't even have the extra energy to try and pull myself up. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I truly want to just give up and cash it in. I am so tired of the struggle and the pain of life. Why can't I just have some "right" things happen? Why do I always have crap dumped on me and why does it devastate me so? I don't know what is wrong with my head that I can't find something that I truly want to live for.

I'm sorry, the pity of me.

Thank you all for being there.

Smiley Frowner
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Aw, Smiley, I am so sorry about the depression adn all the pain...it is just so hard. I relate to the sense of feeling like what is there to live for? It's crazy how depression can cause such a downward spiral, and things pile up b ecause of it and get worse and worse...it doesn't seem fair, and it feels like there is no way out.Are you still in therapy? I hope so much, you can find some relief, and begin, slowly, to pick up the pieces. I just feel for you so badly because I also am in such a place, hardly able at all to run my days or leave the house. Well, I will make a pact with you, ok? If you will do one little job that seems overwhelming (but too overwhelming) today, so will I...well, would that help a tiny bit? Let me know what you think of this "pact." If you like the idea, I will tell what I picked, and then we can check back to see how it worked out?

BB
smileysmileyMember
Thanks DF and BB. I'm trying.

Now DF - There is no way I can let anyone see the distress I'm in, beyond my T. I don't even let her know alot of the time. It seems like such a weakness and a vulnerability to me that I can't even fathom it. Trusting someone else to help me or just be there for me has never been a good thing for me. I guess that's why I usually can't talk or write - especially when it is so close to the surface. I know that probably makes no sense whatsoever, but I learned early on that the only person I can truly trust is me and most of the time I don't even trust that.

BB - What could I do? The only thing I need to do is go to my second job. I have been trying to think of a way to not go but I really hate to do that. So I guess that would be my thing for today - just getting myself to the second job.

smiley
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Wow, that is a good one! Let me know how it goes. I am going to try to get the laundry caught up. I'll let you know how I do. Oh, I realte so much to what you are saying...yester day a friend called me up, and as usual it was me listen to her troubles which is always more easy somehow...then she asked how are you doing, and I said "fine, good." (Which is a lie of course) and she said, No, I really want to know, tell me how you are? It was awful because I almost completely lost it right then and there, and that would NOT have been ok. Frowner What am I supposed to say to this very together, wealthy, highly functioning person? That my house is a complete disaster zone, my marriage is non-existent, and that all I can wnat to do is sleep? It's hard to open up even in T as well, isn't it, but at least you know the T will hopefully not judge. Ugh, I hope this doesn't make you feel worse.

Thinking of you today, and rooting for you to manage somehow, get to your second job.

BB

ps-sometimes having friends isn't all it's cracked up to be, until one is ready fro the friendships. Guess I am not ready
smileysmileyMember
Laundry BB!! I don't mind doing laundry actually. I will try to get to work tonight. I may not be able to get back here until Monday so I hope things go well for you also. Good luck with the laundry. I actually can read the message on my phone but I won't be able to answer unless I can get to my computer at home - which seems to be tough because my partner already has the "list" for the weekend written down in stone! If I'm lucky I will have a few minutes to myself and then I can check in. I'm rooting for you BB you can do it!

smiley
blackbirdblackbirdMember
You can do this Smiley!!! You are doing waaaaay more than I am...I'm impressed. I do not know how you do it...you are a really good person not to give up. I'm asking myself, will it help my situation to give up on my housework...?

I'm on my third load....also threw some papers away and made lunch..why is this soooooo hard?

many comforting hugs for you,

BB
starfishstarfishMember
smiley, BB

Thoughts and hugs to you both....sending the laundry faries too over your way if they're free. It's never ending isn't it?

BB I am sorry that you feel so thrown when a friend asked how you were, we can normally bank on people not ever really asking can't we? Or asking and not wanting to know the real answer Frowner

quote:
What am I supposed to say to this very together, wealthy, highly functioning person? That my house is a complete disaster zone, my marriage is non-existent, and that all I can wnat to do is sleep?


Aw BB, smiley too, I wish I could come and help you, take care of your house a bit and let you catch up on some sleep. Can you try to tell T how you feel? Sometimes chores feel overwhelming, and sleep comes too much or not enough, and relationships struggle when our mood is low...it becomes this horrid viscious loop doesn't it? Sometimes admitting to it feeling like that is the first step forward....(((BB, smiley)))


starfish



starfish
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Starfishy! Thanks for the laundry fairies!! Smiley, I'm sure you can use some of those too! Well, I actually did it, I only have two loads left...and I actually made dinner. Today has been an unusual day. How was yours Smiley?

Well, if you didn't manage to go to your second job, please don't worry about that...I just want to send some support, because I know so much how completely overwhelming and scary life can be...and I'm not even dealing with flashbacks like you and Starfishy. Hugs for you both.

Beebs
starfishstarfishMember
oh I'll send them any time...they've just put the second load on here, so as long as they're back over for the ironing later I don't mind! Big Grin

quote:
I know so much how completely overwhelming and scary life can be...and I'm not even dealing with flashbacks like you and Starfishy. Hugs for you both.



Dearest BB, thank you for your understanding but it doesn't matter what you're dealing with, your stuff is every bit as big and as scary at times as mine I'm very sure....just different Smiler Plus you have small kiddies at home .....oh go on, keep the fairies for the weekend...

starfish
smileysmileyMember
Hi BB and all -

The car cost me 240 but it should be ok for a while now. (rap,rap,rap on wood) I'm doing ok for now. Just going through the day and trying to make it to the next. I don't have a t session this week and not liking that too much. I know my t thinks it best we meet every other but I can't stand it. I do have contact with her if I need to but I try not to be a pain. Anyway, the depression is still there and I'm still feeling dark but for now it's not black - so I guess that's a step up.

Thanks for asking.

Smiley
smileysmileyMember
It's ok BB - we can't always do everything we try to. I wouldn't know what it would be like to not do paperwork - I'd love to try it some time though. I did a little paperwork - not much. Didn't feel like really digging in ya know? I'm getting ready to leave here and go home and get ready for the second job. The fun just never ends. Talk to you tomorrow. I hope you feel a little better.
smileysmileyMember
Starfish thank you for the offer. Unfortunately this mound of paper on my desk can only be done by me. It's just that one thing leads to another and before I know it I've got 10 different things going on.

I'm actually feeling a bit better this morning. I had lunch on Monday with this man I have known for a long time. (business) Anyway, he assured me that if I did lose my job here, that he would make a few phone calls and I would be "gobbled up" right away. That made me feel good. He isn't the type to BS about business so I think I can trust him that way.

They are still playing around here. I'm supposed to be going on a business trip in October, and they keep saying, "let's wait on this a little". It's like the guy doesn't want to send me because he knows he wants me fired. I'm trying to stay cool about it but it really worries me.

Anyway, I'm about ready to start my day here and hopefully I can stay out of sight and out of mind!

Smiley

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