Hi Open Windows, and welcome to the forums! Thanks for introducing yourself and all of your kind words. I'm really glad the site has been so helpful. Its a great community and I hope you like being a part of it. I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

AG

Hello Open Windows, and welcome!

I am glad that you find "our" site so helpful. Shrinklady really has a lot going here and the sense of community has been extremely helpful for all of us and I for one and exceedingly grateful to her for her hard work and dedication to found this site and keep it running like she does.

I am always happy to finally meet one of the lurkers cause we all know you're out there anyay.

I hope to hear from you again as you become more comfortable.
JM

I have also been lurking for a few days. My transference was "killing" me and I happened upon this site while searching for info. I was stunned to see that other people have the same feelings that I have. And, to see that I just might be normal! I see my T 2x's a week, and my last two sessions were unbelievably amazing because I felt so much more confident. I even cried a little. That is BIG for me!

Thanks Shrinklady, and everyone else, for helping me to have a major breakthrough!

Hello and welcome Puppy Lover. Glad you decided to say hello too and that you now feel normal. And if not we always say "At least we're in good company!" I know that is exactly how I felt when I first found this website. I think I cried tears of relief as I read all the posts on transference. It really does seem to help in therapy too because it gives you a sense that you're ok and this is all good and you can surrender yourself to it. It made quite a difference in my therapy too.

Thanks for posting and hope you keep coming back.
JM

Thanks for the welcome AG and JM. It really is good to be here. I'm going to post about my transference in a minute.

Puppy Lover, I'm glad you posted too. I know what you mean about feeling normal and more confident after reading this board. I thought I was going crazy, and now, like JM says, if I am crazy I'm in good company and there is hope that things will get better. Any other lurkers out there that want to say 'hi'?

Welcome Puppy Lover and Open Windows

I found this site not too long ago when I was looking for information on transference. Not only did I find info on transference, but found good company in relating to my thoughts.

This is a great site to read,share, and learn and I am so grateful for finding it.

Looking forward to sharing with both of you.

Kats

Thank you to all of you for being so welcoming!

As I read all of today's new posts, I am shocked and comforted that I could have written any one of them. The knowledge that other people are feeling and experiencing the same things that I am, and I thought I was so crazy, is so calming for me. It also opens a door for me to think that I might have the courage to be more honest with my T. I know that she would not be surprised or disgusted by anything I tell her, but I still fear that. I still have such a strong need to please her, not disappoint her, do therapy "right" for her. I am taking baby steps, but it is so hard. Letting go of control over myself is so frightening to me. My T knows most of this.

I am so glad that I decided to post to all of you. Your bravery to share your stories is admirable!

HI,
I'm samy. And I not know much about transference actually. But I just saying hello.

Samy

Hello Samy, and thank you so much for the welcome.

Welcome Open Windows and Puppy Lover. This is just a wonderful site to talk, get support and comfort and feel that you are not alone in your suffering and your struggles in Therapy. We also love to hear success stories...even the tiny little steps of success should be celebrated. Therapy can be frightening at times and just having a place to talk about that and find out that others feel the same way is incredibly comforting.

As you have probably read, I too, struggle with transference issues with my male T. We have had our ups and downs and bumps in the road but I think each "bump" makes our relationship stronger. As, with OW, my T was first my child's T and because I was also having my own issues I asked him to see me. He was hesitant at first because he was already seeing a family member but it has worked out amazingly well. I was very drawn to him and felt safe with him which is something VERY rare for me. I also think he understood that I would not go elsewhere for help and so he agreed. Although, in the beginning it seemed I only had situational anxiety and treatment would be fairly brief (a few months?) it has turned into something much more complicated that neither of us anticipated and so here we are almost a year later.

I do hope both of you will keep posting and drawing support from those of us here who are all in different phases of our therapy journeys.

True North

OW and PL,

It's good to hear from folks who've been just reading, for me. I know there are a lot of them, and I always wonder what they're thinking about it all.

Glad to meet each of you; it makes the internets seem much less lonely.

Thanks True North and Wynne. Even though I have been going to therapy for 2 years, I am just beginning to really deal with the transference issues. When I first started, it was also for something that I thought was situational, but now my own issues have come up with a vengeance. I am having a very difficult time understanding why I have such strong feelings for a woman that I pay to talk to me twice a week. Even so, I think of her constantly and make decisions according to how I think she would want me to. Whoa!!!! Big revelation here! In saying this just now, I realize that I have done that all my life with my mom and now that she has passed away, I still do it. Hmm.... probably a discussion I should have with my T. Just don't know if I can get up the guts to tell her that I think of her all the time. It just sounds too perverted and wrong to me. She knows about my transference, but saying some of this stuff to her face is just too risky for me at this time.

That's why reading all of your posts is helping me so much. Even though I feel great shame for having these feelings, I am comforted to know that they are not unique to just me.

PL

Thank you True North and Wynne.

Wynne, we are thinking that you all are so wonderful for sharing your experiences that we use to be able to get through the day. When we're having a bad day and think no one understands, we come here and just read. We learn from your successes and your difficulties. We wish we could give back even half of what you've given us. We're not sure we can verbalize what we're going through half as well as you, so we don't. We're afraid to share our innermost thoughts even anonymously because that would make us more vulnerable. We're afraid to post because what if you all really do think we're crazy, or that no one will want to respond to our post? We start posting more than once and then chicken out because we're not sure our issues are that important that you would want to read them. We don't really think we'll be rejected, because you are all so warm and welcoming, but what if we were?

OK, maybe that's just my own self and what I was thinking while lurking.

I am glad I posted, I feel like I've taken an important step.

quote:

I am comforted to know that they are not unique to just me.

Me too!

quote:

We're afraid to share our innermost thoughts even anonymously because that would make us more vulnerable.

There is something to be said about anonymity, though take it from me it can still feel quite humiliating to take that sort of leap. Yet, at the same time it also feels very liberating. We can learn from you too. There is no seniority here.

I am glad that more people are posting and I really wish we had a way of knowing how many Therapists were reading and if it affects the way they view their work now? Especially those who have spent little time on the couch themselves. (just in case MY T is reading)

PL,

Thank you for sharing your experience with your T; it's not perverted and wrong at all, and I say that with utmost confidence and minimal experience.

OW, that was awesome. Even if it's just you, and bits of me rather hope it isn't.

quote:

Originally posted by puppy lover:
I am having a very difficult time understanding why I have such strong feelings for a woman that I pay to talk to me twice a week. Even so, I think of her constantly and make decisions according to how I think she would want me to.
PL

I could have written that puppy lover, except that I don't pay her. We are lucky enough to have this free service through our school district. But still, it's her job to listen to me.

True North - I'm sure my son's T didn't know what she was getting herself into when she told me to call or email her anytime because I needed as much support as I could get! She is a family therapist with any agency that believes in treating the whole family, so there was no hesitation on her part to have sessions with all of us together, individually, or as a couple. Like you, I felt very drawn to her, which is also very rare for me, from the beginning even before I really confided in her.

JM - It would be interesting to know how many therapist were reading and what their thoughts are on all of this. I'm still not sure what my son's T's thoughts are and I really wish I did.

Wynne, thank you. I'm pretty sure it's not just me.

OW

quote:

We're afraid to post because what if you all really do think we're crazy, or that no one will want to respond to our post? We start posting more than once and then chicken out because we're not sure our issues are that important that you would want to read them. We don't really think we'll be rejected, because you are all so warm and welcoming, but what if we were?

Everyone feels like that in the beginning, and as JM pointed out, sometimes you can still feel that way even if you've been posting for awhile. I know I do sometimes. The fear is completely understandable. But the amazing thing is and you'll see it more the longer you're here is that EVERY person brings a unique perspective and experience that adds to the collective wisdom. The combination of having a safe place to discuss these issues, with people who really understand the way you feel, each of whom can see something or offer something becomes an incredibly powerful tool to help in your healing. I really know that posting here has made a huge difference in my life and my healing. So post away!! Trust me if there's any way to look stupid posting, I've pretty much already covered it.
No worries, it's a strange but true fact considering we all have never met, but you are among friends and kindred spirits here.

AG

JM

LOL!!!!!! Thanks for the hearty laugh!

PL

quote:

...I really wish we had a way of knowing how many Therapists were reading...

At first the idea of T's lurking made me a little mad but then most of us have Googled our T's (or possibly worse) so I guess it is kind of fair.

quote:

most of us have Googled our T's

Heh. I've been on hiring committees that task a person to Google/Facebook/etc candidates, so I feel no pity here. It's out there, it's who you are online, it's part of The Show. We don't use pseudonyms on these boards for nothin'!

And I kinda hope therapists are reading; they're folks, too, and if they learn things here, that's awesome. We could be Their Client (generic). They're supposed to be continually learning about, y'know, not only cutting-edge stuff but also connecting to human experience and remembering what it's like to be in therapy the first time.

...

I just realized that if my T ever visited this forum she would know me by any one of my posts, possibly even by my pseudonym. No possibility of anonymity with her anymore, she knows way too much.

I am sure that my T would have me picked out in an instant. I can hear her now, "I will have you know I've spent plenty of time on the couch!"

Are you kidding, one look at the length of my posts would totally give me away.

Actually River, that's why whenever I talk about this site and the people on it, I just say its a forum for people in therapy but I have NEVER, NEVER mentioned the name.

Sorry, Shrinklady! But I'm sure you'll understand. I'll recommend it to anyone else in the world.

AG

quote:

No possibility of anonymity with her anymore, she knows way too much.

Yeah, my T knows too much too. That's the only reason I keep her on the payroll!

Good points from all of you!

I was seriously going to tell my T about this web site tomorrow because all of you are so open and have many of the same thoughts and feelings I have. Now after thinking it through, I won't be telling her. I am hoping that I will be able to be as honest as all of you, and I know I couldn't do that if I thought she was reading it. I also want to be more open and honest with her, but in my own time.

PL

I'm a little odd maybe... I've come to the conclusion that I sort of hope my son's T comes back and reads this and recognizes that it's me. But I guess I'm also nervous about it too.

I'm afraid to let her know everything I'm feeling, but I want her to know everything I'm feeling. Thinking about it I guess it's part of my problem with boundaries. I have trouble opening up to people but when I do it's like the floodgates opening and I want them to know everything.

Now, I just wish I could find the forum where's she's posting to her therapist friends and tells all about me. (Not that she is, it would just be way interesting to me to read that, and possibly humiliating at the same time!)

OW

PL and OW,
It's probably one of the scariest things you'll ever do, opening up to your therapist about your feelings, especially about them, but its an important part of the healing process. Experiencing a relationship in which ALL of your feelings are welcome, accepted and understood is really powerful and something we should all have been able to have as kids. And talking about your feelings to your T is what allows both of you to look at what you're doing and why you're doing it, your unconscious relationship patterns. Once you figure that out, you can figure out what you want to change. I've found out that as I have moved through this, I've found a lot of lies that I've believed for a long time that in many ways were holding me captive. Breaking those has been very freeing.

And you don't have to do it all at once. The first major thing I talked to my T about was when I went to him and talked about being attracted to him. I was terrified and sure he would tell me we couldn't work together (I was only seeing him for marital counseling with my husband at the time; ironically, telling him how I felt led almost directly to me working with him individually.) Instead of banishing me, he was incredibly gentle, understanding and accepting, so much so that I stopped feeling like such an idiot. He saw it as a healthy developement that I was being drawn to a good connection. Having that experience made it just a little bit easier to go talk to him the next time. Over time, you become capable of sharing more because of your past experiences with your T.

But just in case, I made it sound like this gradual easy progression. It wasn't. It was really scary, very chaotic, and could be very painful (mainly, for me, because I was facing some emotions I had avoided for a LONG time). I was quivering sopping mess for both of it. But its how the healing happened.

So I would really urge you, when you're ready (that's important, you know best when that is), to open up as much as you can to your T. In the end, its how the work gets done.

AG

AG -

I really WANT to tell my son's T everything. I have been afraid to say much since I sent the really emotional emails and she didn't respond. We haven't really talked in too much detail about it since then.

Everything inside me tells me to tell her everything but a few things are stopping me.

1. My T (my T, not my son's) has told me it will be too confusing for me to address my issues with more than one counselor. In our second session she asked me if I was still talking to my son's T about issues other than my son, and I said I wasn't (because I was avoiding it at all costs at the time). So as much as I think I need to, I don't want to upset my T by addressing this more with my son's T. And what if she's right and it messes me up even more?

2. I have been a bit nervous about opening up with my son's T since I sent those overly emotional emails she wasn't sure how to respond to. It has been brought up briefly, but nothing of any substance. While she's a family therapist she deals mostly with kids and said she has only had one other experience with transference, and I'm not sure how deep it went. I'm afraid I may scare her off, especially since she will not be professionally bound to accept all my craziness after she no longer sees my son.

3. I'm also still pathetically hopeful that we can actually be friends (She told me there's a no contact rule for two years before that could happen and she has said she would enjoy being my friend had we met under different circumstances, leaving the possibility open in my mind that it could happen.) I've read about the balance of power being off because the therapist knows all your baggage but you don't know any of theirs and that's a reason friendships aren't recommended, and telling her all would definitely throw the balance of knowledge way off skew, even more than it is now.

In reality 2 years is a long time and I'm pretty sure if there was no contact and no reason to get back into contact, it would not work out the way I hope now so I may as well lay it all out there so I can move things along. I am really feel the need to lay it all out there with my son's T and deal with it with my current T. Is that possible?

OW,
I'm really sorry, when I was writing that post, I wasn't keeping in mind that your transference was happening with your son's T not yours. But I think you're handling it well. And I agree, that laying it all out for your own T, being honest about all your feelings, will allow you to work through it. The important thing is that someone can hear, accept and understand all your feelings. I'm not sure what effect it has working it through with a person who's not the object of your feelings but I believe it can be done. There's another member Sprinting Gal who is in similar situation with a medical doctor but it is working it through with her therapist. She would probably have some good advice for you or will at least understand just what you're dealing with.

AG

No need to be sorry, AG. I have a hard time keeping it straight while I'm writing my posts, so how can I expect everyone else to keep it straight!

I am still struggling with whether or not to talk to my son's T. I really want to clear the air so to speak before I have to say goodbye. I don't have many positive feelings when I think about her now, just sadness, loneliness and regret. Maybe I'm just hoping she will say something I can hold on to. What do you think?

I talk to my T on Thursday and I'm thinking this will be a topic of conversation. I gave her my journal last week and the majority of the journal was devoted to my son's T.

AG

Your advice is so true. Reading all of the posts here helped me to gather up some courage and bite the bullet. My T knows about my transference issues as I have alluded to them before. She even used the word transference, but we really didn't go too far into it. Well, I decided that today was my big chance and that I would be really ticked off at myself if I didn't take advantage of it. For the past few days the feelings have become so intense that I felt like I was going crazy. The physical pain is so unbearable. I know that all of you understand this.

So, when I went in and she asked me how I was, I told her I was on the edge of exploding. I then told her that I just had to say something before I lost my nerve. I then told her how I was feeling and how I didn't understand it and how it was consuming my life. She asked me to explain more. I told her that I just felt like I wanted to be with her all the time. I couldn't believe that came out of my mouth!!! The look on her face was so soft, understanding, kind and yes, happy. I told her that I just wanted to be understood and comforted without using any words. We talked about this for the whole session and I am so glad I brought it up. I have a lot of relief now, but I know this isn't over. I know I have just touched the tip of the iceberg with her, but at least the door is open a crack.

I know that reading everyone's posts here and realizing that many other people have the same feelings, gave me the little push I needed to cross over the line. I see her again on Thursday and I don't know if I will be able to open up a little more, but I know my brain got a good dose of rewiring today.

PL

PL, I am so happy for you. It sounds like your T gave you a very warm acceptance and that she will allow you to gage your readiness to talk about your feelings. My T is very gentle that way too. It really helps to be able to see the softness in their face like you mentioned when you pour your heart out like that. Eventhough little may be said at a time, a lot is said through facial expressions and attunement. This is the sort of stuff that we need to hold on to and try to recall during times of uncertainty. The more we experience these positive emotions the more they will resonate within us and the more permanent they become.

That's really wonderful.
JM

Thanks JM. I'll try to keep that image of her face with me when my nerves take over again.

PL

PL,
That's really awesome that you took the chance and shared your feelings with your T. And she responded so perfectly. I remember what an incredible relief it was the first time I told my T. By the end of the session, I was so relieved and exhausted, I felt like I could sleep for a week.

And you're right, they'll be other hard sessions, but each time you'll have the last time that it went well to help you overcome the fear again and open up to her. And that's how you'll heal.

Thank you for sharing this with us, I'm really very happy for you.

AG

Wow, PL, what a great response from your T! It took a lot of courage for you to bite the bullet and I'm so glad it turned out the way it did.

Savor the positive!

OW

Hi OW... I just wanted to pop in here and say it was incredibly courageous of you to give your journal to your T. NO ONE reads my journal, especially my T so I admire you for doing that. I do hope it gives your T the insight she needs to best help you with this dilemma.

TN

Hi PL... Good for you!! I'm so glad you talked to your T about this very sensitive issue that drives us all so crazy. And I'm glad you felt such relief after telling her. I think that you will find that bringing this into the open will allow your relationship to go to an even more intimate and deep level. If you don't talk about the transference and it's there in the room with you then it makes therapy so much more difficult. It's just another secret you will have to keep and therapy is about being open and honest.

I well remember my "transference conversation" with my T. I was so nervous I was shaking but it was worth it. Because after his initial defensiveness he was wonderful and our subsequent sessions were amazing. Because he admitted to me that he had no experience with transference I loaned him my copy of In Session (have you read it?).

I feel that we are working through this together and with each hurdle I feel closer to him and more able to reveal things that have been buried for many years. It's not a straight path but establishing that honest relationship is a big step in the right direction.

TN

Thank you to all of you for your positive thoughts. I feel so much relief from having revealed the little bit that I did to her, but I also feel relief because all of you have validated my feelings. Even though she responded so well to what I was saying, I still have that little voice in my head telling me now that I am crazy, ridiculous, oversensitive, and my feelings are not important. So, can you tell why I am going to therapy? Little by little I will tell that voice to go away.

TN - I have read "In Session" but it was quite a while ago, before I was knee deep in my transference. I think I will pick it up again. It will probably have more meaning to me now.

PL