Hi BeeBee!

Good to see you back! You've been missed around here. Sorry about your struggles with your T and therapy. I understand the confusion about what to do and not really being one to do a lot of talking in your T's presence. I'm a lot the same. I would much rather write her letters, but that doesn't get me very far either. I wish I had some great piece of advice for you, but I don't. I just wanted to welcome you back and let you know you're not alone with your dilemmas. And I get the part about this being the only place you can really express stuff. It's the same thing for me too. Feel free to vent away!

Big hugs, Beebee!!
MTF

Hey, MTF, draggers! I missed you both! Thanks for replys. How are things going with you, MTF? I haven't been able to see any thread of yours, yet? If you feel up to it, I'd love to know how things are going with you...if it is not too painful or hard to write of to me, of course.

draggers, I read your whole sad story, and feel so bad about the way things happened. But I am very glad you are getting on with your new T. That is so great! I totally understand what you mean, about worrying about their feelings. I do that with my T, too and even when he says I should not, and that it isn't authentic, I just do. arg. It's so good that you are literally excited about the future!! I am so inspired that you could be not wrecked by this...I feel completely wrecked by even the thought of a break from my T, I so wish that I could be as brave as you about it. Well, I cannot imagine really actually looking for a new T, however did you find the gumption? maybe, I will just try meds for now. I see my family doc in a week, maybe she can prescribe. I hate to cave in to meds, since I siad I never would again, but I do not know what else to do, since taking a break from T really seems to make a lot of sense, but the idea is killing me. I can't seem to make much headway in T, though. I think I get somewhere and then I come sliding back down again.

I missed you guys, so much! Good to "see" you!

Love,

BB

Hello BB great to see you back! Hope you are able to get on here more often, it would be good to hear how things go for you.

Am rushing off at the moment, so will be back later to post more about what you've said - in the meantime big hugs for you ((((( Blackbird )))))

LL

Hi BlackBird- it`s nice to meet you, i dont know if we "met"?

Its very honest and great i think, that you feel free to not post/answer everyone- its really good that you feel that you dont HAVE to do that- because that sounds bourdening. No guilty feelings! (so- dont feel committed to answer this reply either

I have to say, i found it somehow heartbraking to read your story BB.. i dont really know you and your T-story, but your poster made me think/feel..-"gosh- spare yourself from the pain- dont quit!!" For me it doesnt sounds like your T wants you to have a break (have you heard from him again btw??) perhaps he just tryin to let you know that the option is there and its up to you to decide wether or not therapy-break would be good to you? I get the impression that you kind of think you have to take the break- in order to not upset your T with you "silence" (?) or with what you describe as your "inability to find my voice"..

What keeps you from telling your T that you dont really wanna take the break? (Because i assume you really dont?)
Do you think the break will make it impossible to get back again?

Sorry for asking if this is to touchy stuff.. I am a bit confused myself and i really try to understand the dynamics- in this "suggestion" and what the break are suppose to make good... and most of all if this suggestion really are yours (in a deep level) or if it comes from you T, if so, why?

Since you obviously manage to write about stuff and are used to email your T- maybe you could go ahead and write about this to him? I mean if you havent already done it, or you doubt your T knows about your dilemma on this..I think you have to let him know whats going on within your head right now, and give him the opportunity to clearify evt. misunderstandings.

You wondered if you wanted to start with a new T- that you would not get so attached to..hmm.. For me the attachment is alfa-omega, and i would encourage everyone to actually become attached to their T.. Thats my gut-asnwer but hey- i dont know..maybe it will work out for you to do that..But dont let the fear-voice within you decide this BB.- I guess you`ll find that answer somewhere in your heart

Ok- sorry if this was more disturbing than helpful, my questions are really just good-intended, and i truly hope you find out what to do, and that you find some peace with your final descition. Good luck BB- and feel free to keep post or not, dont feel obligaded to answer my questions either.

All the best for you.

Hey, BB!

I probably don't have anything to say that will be helpful to you (especially considering my drug-induced head fog from a persistent cold!), but the way I see it, it's not your fault if you're still having trouble talking in therapy. Your T should be making every effort to make the environment safe for you to talk, and suggesting that you take a break is the complete opposite. I don't know, BB...it seems like there's a wall between you and your T that just won't come down.

Do you think that it would be easier or harder for you to speak if you had a T that you weren't attached to? I think that with attachment comes a deeper level of trust required to share painful thoughts and feelings, so I don't know if good therapy is possible if you don't have both (attachment and trust, that is).

Great to see you back, BB!

BB I’ve been thinking about your post off and on all day, and remembering your other posts about the grief you’ve been having with this T.

quote:

Sometimes it feels like my T is playing with me.

Going to say something that is probably out of keeping with being supportive, but seriously I think you have a very bad therapist there. He may not be playing with you (that would be unlikely, unless he’s into some sort of power/control thing) but I have serious doubts about his competence as a T and his commitment to your healing. Of course I’m basing this only on what I’ve gleaned about him from your posts - but I really do get the impression that he’s not helping you at all - any changes you’ve made are because YOU have done all this work by yourself - it doesn’t sound as if he’s involved in your therapy at all or even has any idea of what your therapy is all about.

I’m sorry if this is hurtful - I keep thinking of all the pain and misery and fear you’ve been going through with this T, and even though you have an attachment to him, it doesn’t sound as if he is able to use that attachment to help heal you. Maybe that you only see him once a month (or did you bring that down to once a fortnight?) makes it difficult for both you and he to make any progress in your therapy?

It sounds as if no matter what you choose to do, to stay or to take this long break, this therapist isn’t helping you. Would it be such a bad idea to at least check out another T or two, maybe ones you could see face to face, just to get a sense of other options?

Whatever you decide, I really hope that it gives you some sense of moving forward out of the bad place you’re in

LL

Hi BeeBee, it's great to see you back here.

I don't have much to say lately and I'm in a head fog of pain and panic along with physically being sick from my hospitalizations. Just want to wish you well and hope that it all works out.

I can say that in MY case with my T I never had a problem talking to him or telling him things. I always had things to discuss and try to anaylze with him and I had no fear of going to deep places or even to sit with him and grieve my past losses. I always sought more understanding of the issues and of my behaviors. I did not really shy away from much at all and it was my strong attachment and the connection we had that was the foundation for all of this. Unfortunately, in my case, being so open did me in because it seems that I overwhelm even Ts with my toxic waste. As soon as he knew the real me he ran from me and broke all his promises not to abandon me and to see this through with me.

I am seeing "D" now who is female. I have NO attachment or connection with her. I don't care if I ever see her again or not. I don't care what she thinks of me nor do I have any desire for her to be proud of me or not. She is just some woman I chat with about my T and the grief I feel over losing that relationship. I don't know if I will stay to work on anything else. I'm not willing to trust anyone else at this point. Don't know if I ever will. The funny thing is that when I met my T I knew that I WANTED to trust him. There was something about him that connected me to him in some way and I kept working the trust issue because I wanted so badly to trust someone and he seemed like the person. Guess I have really bad judgement about people.

I hope you can work things out with your T. Do your best to be open and ask the questions you need answers to.

Hug
TN

Wow...it is so great to hear from all of you. I've really missed you guys...in answer to your questions, Frog, you are absolutely right, my T has done nothing but suggest a break, since I am struggling so much in talking, and in wrestling with the therapy relationship. He doesn't care one way or the other what I do, the ball is entirely in my court. That is where I begin to have all these struggles, right there, where the ball is in my court, and especially, where he doesn't care one way or the other, which option I choose. :It just hurts so much that he doesn't havean opinion one way or the other what would be best for me to do at this point, and that he doesn't care which thing I do, break or stay. I would rather he was trying to get rid of me, than complete indifference to seeing me or not. (and that's where I wonder if a break or quitting makes sense for me...am I just stubbornly looking for something out of therapy that is not really available there?) This is a very confusing questions for me, since my T does care. I did email my T that a break is a very painful thing for me right now, and that I am not sure at all about it. His problem with me is that I am never sure whether therapy is helping me or not, I'm no longer clear about my goals and tend to wax philosophical instead, and he doesn't seem to think he is helping me much, which, I believe, he find disconcerting. Initially I did very well and made big improvements. He's just suggested a break as another option, that I may be able to better evaluate what I need from him, and whether he is helping me or not. And he said we need to prepare that, which made me feel, at least he cares about me. It IS a valid question. The idea of a break makes sense in my situation. It's like I am using therapy with him to try, alleviate so terrible, inner lonliness, and maybe, I just need to be lonely and face such a terrible pain, alone? Just because I don't wnat to do it, and my heart is breaking into bits at the idea, doesn't mean it isn't the best thing to do if I am not progressing to his or my satisfaction, or, if therapy is something that I am possibly using to avoid some great pain that is unavoidable anyway? The only problem here is that, I do need some guidance and help badly in my life, after all. But it is a very painful and confusing decision, so many different factors, emotions, and my brain just shuts it all off so I can't think straight about any of it anymore...that's where I wish he could help me straighten out my thinking, untangle it. He doesn't seem to understand this request. I am not able to be clear enough in my speech, and requests, so that isn't really his fault, it's mine. No, your questions are very much appreciated, Frog...you have a wonderful way of getting me to see and look at the problem. I have to wonder if I am just being stubborn and denying myself his care for some reason, yet, the reality is that I have grown less and less able to speak to him and open up, as I have got more and more attached. His focus has always been, to get me to ask for what I need. But I do not know for sure what I need, and that seems to really frustrate this whole process. And that I am really looking just for him to care for me, not keeping the relationship about my therpay, not keeping things in my court, instead of trying always to somehow please him or belong to him which is impossible. I am not sure if I am growing or not. I can see both sides. It just really hurts that he can't seem to understand me, or that I am unable to make myself understood by him. He says that he "really wishes he could help me." I know he is sincere, but all I can hear is the "I really wish..." part...to me, that is him gently saying, that he *can't* really help me...though he insists and reiterates, that as long as I want to I can still see him, or come back, that he would never just give up on me, that in all his long carreer he has never given up on a client. But it just feels so frustrating that he seems to think, that whatever my problem is, can't really be helped. Maybe he doesn't really think that? I am most likely "unhelpable" by therapy, maybe? Don't ask me why...I do not know why.

Kashley, it is good to see you, too...the thing is, that wall between me and my T has come down often enough for me to keep really longing for that to happen again. (and again!) I wish I could make that happen, I just don't know what I am doing wrong. I do it in all relationships, it seems, though to outsiders, all is perfectly normal with me and you would never guess that I am struggling so much inside. Kashley, thank you for asking. I think for some reason as I became more and more attached to my T, the harder and harder it got to speak. I am experinecing now the same thing with my SD, the fear and dread of asking for his help, the fear and dread of his rejection, and my seemingly involuntary pulling away that feels like it just happens even though I don't want it to. arg. What to do? I feel like there is a veil between me and the rest of life, humanity. Like I am not really "here," after all. If that makes any sense.

LL, I really really, appreciate your comments, but I don't entirely agree. I agree with you for a lot of what you say, though. But, there is certainly something my T is trying to teach me, here, I just am not getting the lesson. and there is something I need to get across to him, but I am continually unsuccessful at doing it. I think he is firmly committed to his clients, me among them, but that he doesn't understand me and
it is very difficult
for me to give up on trying to get him to understand me.(by email ) I feel like if I could just feel that at least, he really gets me- even if he can't help with the problem, I could at least rest about the decision to break or leave or stay, or wahtever, kwim?
TN-- hugs for you, what you are going through, so terribly difficult, the grief is just unspeakable. I am so sorry about the way all this nightmare has transpired. Good for you, for talking to D about what has happened to your beloved T. Hopefully it can at least provide a little bit of release to at least be understood and comforted in your pain, a little bit. Do you feel like there is some hope for you to eventually meet with your T again, at least for a bit? Or is that hope just making things worse? I am sorry if it's on your other thread, I have not has a chance to go and see if there is an update there, so I am just wondering this, and will he still see your boy? I hope your surgery is healing well, after your last hospitalization.. I have been thinking of you often, TN, and sending many thoughts, and I hope it is ok, I said prayers for you. thank you for responding to my post in the middle of your own pain. That is very, very kind of you, TN. And your good advice, well, I will try to be open, if I get the chance again to speak to him. I still haven't heard from him regarding the "session to discuss the potential break." I really, really do not want to continue to pester with emails, I need to learn not to email him, it's just so desperate- so I guess it is just a waiting game at this point. The moment he opens the door on me to email him a tiny crack, I start pouring them into his inbox, and that is something that needs to stop, I guess. I have to go...sorry, this is so long- I will talk to you all soon...

xx,

BB

Hi there Beebs - so good to see you back, and I'm sorry this is rolling out for you in such a difficult way. I know this is complex and I don't know that I have much that is helpful to say, but when I read your first post I just thought - hold on - he is saying you don't have to have a break, do what YOU need, and it really sounds like you don't want a break, yet you are having a break....

It seemed familiar to me, like what I call 'thinking in the other's head' - I do it a lot, get totally tuned in to the other person and become unable to speak/act/identify or endorse my own needs. For me it's a way of protecting myself from the hurts others might give me, or of tuning out my own scary feelings. So I make the worst criticism of myself, for example, in case it's what someone else is thinking. Or I choose what I think the other person wants so they can't get mad. Problem is it doesn't really protect me. It just leaves me hurt and unsatisfied anyway. Sometimes I have the feeling that my true self is much rougher, less 'with it' and equipped and much less likeable than the self I am most of the time.

Anyway, I find myself imagining the scene of your next session, where BB kicks off the session by saying 'I was wrong, I DON'T want to have a break, it's the last thing I want, I just want to stay really close to you and have you help me with all this pain - I'm just not sure if that's possible or allowed. I was so hurt that you didn't email back with a time for this session, I thought you had forgotten me and that you would never get in touch again, that I'd lost you, it was awful....' and so on....

I'm just imagining.... I'm sure it would be different in your words Bebe, I hope you don't mind me thinking this way.... I'm just wishing you total freedom of speech - I'm waving a magic wand here for you so that you might have it....

xxxJ

BB (BeeBee?

I`ll think i am just gonna sign up under Jones`reply here.. I have the same "imagining" as Jones, and when i read your poster, i cant help my self reading "between the lines" that it is obvious that you DO wanna/need to continue therapy.. Tell me if i am of the road here, but somehow I got the sense that there are to wills (?) witin you- fighting- and making a conflict in you..you seem to feel that you have to take on the hardest task- the lonely/heartbreaking choice in order to help yourself- but i think thats you being very harsh on yourself and i wish you would free yourself from that burden- that you HAVE to do all this by yourself.. You dont have to do this by yourself!
I donno BB. I guess i put my self in your shoes- and therefor relates to you and keep givin you advices i would wanted myself.. if you know what i mean..

ps: and btw- i do think its comes across clearly that your T DOES cares about you..so much that he is willing to "set you free" if that`s what YOU want. Its a lot of caring and loving in that i think

Wow...so much to think about in your posts...unfortunately, I don't have the time right now, but I will be abck!

Love,

Beebs (new favorite nickname! ala Jones!)

Finding some time to post tonight...ahhhh...

Jones, thanks, and thanks...I get what you say, thinking in the other's head...the thing is, although he really does make it clear to me, that T is about me getting what I need, and that is what I pay for, yet I have revealed a lot of this very inner turmoil to him (via email, of course, groan) and I really think he gets what I'm on about. It's like UV suggested, could it be I'm trying to get him to fill some void rather than heal it...can he even heal it? It's some deep inner lonliness, can it be healed, or must I just "drink the cup" so to speak? Talking about, with him DOES help in that I see more clearly, yet, he can't fix it. You are right, I don't want to break, and you will be proud, I emailed him and did ask for session yet again, to at least discuss the break. (in my own words ) My indecision about the matter is becoming my therapy, and I really groan at this, because I want to talk of other things, namely, the things I originally entered therapy for help with, yet, THIS seems to be at the core of all those other problems. Yet, I think, you are right, it is so simple, all I have to do is ask for a session and he will grant the request, why do I make such a mish-mosh out of it?
Froggy- you hit the nail on the head with the whole idea of thinking I have to do the hardest thing and I have to do it alone, and maybe, it is ok to put that huge burden down...the thing is, I don't KNOW if it is reeeallly ok. I just really don't know. Maybe I am avoiding something by being in therapy. Or maybe I just expect too much of myself, more than I am capable of. I hope the latter is true, because I can't bear the thought of having to be strong enough to carry on without his help. But maybe I am substituting my T for..something else. If that makes sense. It is confusing stuff. I need, get stronger, should do something to grow stronger spiritually maybe, before I try go it alone, I am thinking, now. Yes, it it like there are two parts of me that are constantly fighting it out, with NO referee, boy you are astute I must say. Then I intellectuallize and wonder all this spiritual stuff and scientific stuff starts to course through my mind about..right and left brain and being created being with these two parts of the brain only it feels there is a third part that should be there but is missing in me...or something like that...and I start to think about, the world, and the flesh...good and evil...that this is a battle, we fight for our souls...that science and religion and philosophy are all so much more intimately connected than we realize, and I KNOW this...and I think, maybe too deeply, about all of this kind of thing...and I want to write it down, but I do not really know why...and I drive myself crazy, thinking, and thinking...goofy stuff to some, maybe, I know...well...I could go on and on spouting philoshical/scientific and religious stuff, and get myself all in a froth wondering what is the truth for my own experience of life behind it all, and how, if I could just explain what I am thinking clearly, somehow, everything would make sense to...anyone who I could make understand. And I don't know where all of these thoughts are coming from.
UV, absolutely I desire to be rescued from this state I am in. I want someone to make sense of it for me, explain it, help me calm down, help me stop obsessing, help me figure out the basic stuff of how to put my life together and how to live as I have chosen to live, (be a good wife, parent, etc. and etc...) teach me something...something useful...be with me, accept me, acre for me, protect me from evil, even...to show me how, to care about my life even though it is so little an unimportant, and to believe I matter even when I feel I do not exist, maybe...how to do small, little things as if they mattered deeply, and to believe that these small little things really DO matter deeply...to be held and comforted and told I am not crazy, that I am ok...most of all, for someone to make it simpler, somehow, to see that I am...just little. So many things I want to be rescued from, and taught, UV.
I'm amazed at your insight, each of you. And I hereby give each one of you an honorary doctorate in psychology and counseling! Thank you for sharing those insights with me! Please, tell me more of your thoughts, I would love to hear what each person does think...you know isn't it a lonely world? It is so good to share a little bit with eachother here.

Peace, xx

"Beebs"

Dear Beebs,

Don't have much time, but I do want to respond/reflect a little on what you say here. My experience of that deep inner loneliness, the hole, is that it can be healed. Not healed so that you never feel loneliness or pain again, but so that it doesn't loom like a huge blackness threatening to swallow you all the time. So that loneliness and pain come and go with pleasure and joy and satisfaction and boredom and anger and all the rest - as part of the normal daily experience of being alive, part of the richness of being blessed with these wonderful things called feelings.

I believe that something hidden from us, when we're in the blackness, is the way that the pit is made up of lots of little (and some not so little) darknesses. Each needs attending to if we want to move from the blackness to the kaleidescope. Each needs a different kind of attention. The darkness of being unable to express your needs may be lightened by emailing, so can be a good thing to email your feelings to your T. The darkness of being unable to SPEAK your needs, while looking in the face of another and seeing their acceptance - that one won't be lightened by email, it will sooner or later need speaking and looking. The darkness of being mortal with a finite lifespan will probably always be dark. The darkness of being an *isolated* mortal with a finite lifespan needn't always be dark - we can share, and accompany each other, and lighten each others' ways. Does this make sense? I'm saying yes, there are some pains that we will always bear alone. But if it's overwhelming, I'm willing to bet that there are parts of it that others can help with - and that you can help yourself with by learning to share, accepting your needs, learning to speak and to open yourself up. We never know if it's reeeally okay, because sometimes we get hurt, or we do the wrong thing and hurt others. But realistically - when we're swallowed by the pit, pain is a reality anyway, for ourselves and those who want to love us.

I love how your mind is alive in all this, Beebs. It's a gift you have. Another gift to you, I think, is the way that your therapy is drawn over and over to this question of your indecision. Something very important is happening here, and I bet you are 100% right that this is at the core of all the other problems. Notice how everyone on this board has their own 'style' of having issues with their Ts? The style is about the way we are in the world, it's our uniqueness, our weakness, and in another mask it's our strength, too. For example, I get very angry at my Ts when I feel criticised, when I feel they misunderstand or ignore how HARD I try, what a good girl I am. This is a problem I have in the world, too, feeling like everyone should know how spotless I am. And it's part and parcel of my strength in the world - that I do try to be a good girl, no matter what.

So it's no waste of time to attend to this matter. Treasure it as a big clue to what's going on in your WHOLE life.

Thinking of you.
xxxJ

BB

Well done for e-mailing your T. The very time that we need to ask for help, is usually the very time we do battle with ourselves not to isn't it? For me that is the time when my lonliness is at its height...that I know what I should do, but desperately resist all help and try to go it alone. But I cannot truly ever manage and the world feels like it will surely crash down. So BB, you have done a sensible and brave thing in writing that e-mail. Has he responded yet? Jones, you are right...that darkness can be brightened, if only by a few shades, with sharing and eventually talking. It just takes so much time and perserverence to do the very thing that feels alien to us


Hug dear (((BB)))

starfish

Beebs,

Sooooo glad to see you back!!

I can't possibly say anything that is more enlightened than the wonderful input you have already received. I just want to say that I'm sorry you are in turmoil with your T right now and I hope that everything works out for the best in the end (whatever that may be).

Hugs,

thanks, guys, for all the amazing support you give. UV, yes, sometimes, I wonder if my T is deliberately triggering me by withholding any direction. As I was growing up (and I can't remember if he know this or not) of course my parents did offer me no direction at all, except to warn me away from certain "evils." (such as friends) The rest, where I went, if I wnet to school or not, (even as a small kid) if I played on the railroad track for hours, if I did not come home all day...was entirely up to me. Could he be trying to trigger that for some reason, or is that just crazy thinking?

STRM, thanks for my welcome. I've really missed you, and thank you for chiming in! Now I think, you are past the halfway mark, am I right?

Dear starfishy, my friend, thank you for such encouragement and support. I do hope I have done the right thing. I can't know for sure, but I have heard back from him and will have a session to discuss the break in a couple of weeks. I really hope I will be able to speak. It is funny, I can talk to him when I feel like, whatever, he doesn't care about me or even remember me...but when I feel his care, speaking is impossible. Bit of a bind that.

Jones, I need to think about your reply, it is very thought provoking stuff. I like the image of lots of little darknesses and dealing with each on in a different way as it needs to be dealt with can open up that part of the kaleidoscope..yet, it is a paradox, Jones, this:

quote:

The darkness of being unable to SPEAK your needs, while looking in the face of another and seeing their acceptance - that one won't be lightened by email, it will sooner or later need speaking and looking.

If I am in such a darkness, how can I come out of it, if the way out is to do what cannot be done? I find therapy is one big paradox. And a frustrating one at that. Sometimes I am not so sure that it is even a very good thing. Maybe it's a trap, a net we get ourselves all entangled in and the only way out, is...er... out. But even on the outside of therapy where one can breathe and the air feels a little freer, and I feel less dependent and needy, a bit more empowered.. I find the pain and all the accompanying mechanisms I use to avoid that pains of life, is still with me daily and I do not cope very well. So what is the answer. I am hoping to be able, discuss alll of this with my T and come to a solution, yet, a bit of guidance would be so welcome...I am not sure, UV, you made a valid point. Why can't he find a way to move things a long? Of course it is my fault, I think, I am just "the hopeless client" who can't be helped. But maybe that isn't true. It is hard to see, what the truth here may be. I do believe he acts in my best interests. But sometimes, I wonder if he has the time to really look at what is going on with me and I am just not important enough to him to try to really see me and help. Is that a projection, though? Oh it is all so confusing. I am stuck.

Thanks for letting me talk it out...and thanks for talking back...honestly, I would literally go insane if it weren't for you guys.

Love,

"Beebs"

the other thing I find confusing, is that he had recently 3 or 4 sessions back (which is like 3 or 4 months for me) told me that he had not realized some stuff, about me, got some direction from supervisors, and now realizes some stuff he didn't realize before, somehting about "how wounded" you are. He siad that I come across as very intelligent and competent, but that he realized that underneath it I am much more "helpless" than he had originally thought, and that "I really don't know" what to do in these situations. I didn't really mind being told this. It felt true, though my intellect was rebelling/embarrassed at this helpless stuff. This was after a good session where I was able to speak and ask my questions, about why his way of dealing with me had changed, and he had become much more directive and helpful in the sessions, not that he would make decisions for me, but that he was kinder, less scary, more willing to ask questions, and overall just gentler and more willing to "move things along" if I was having trouble speaking. Hm, so I do not know has he changed back again to the old way, or, is it just the way I am seeing it? Or has he completely forgotten about all of that, I am after all one of many clients, how could he remember me and my situation, what is happening, all the intricacies of my particular situation, when he probably deals with clients who have really bad stuff going on...good grief...and is operating in the old way? Thanks for letting me ramble on...

BB

quote:

Originally posted by blackbird:
the other thing I find confusing, is that he had recently 3 or 4 sessions back (which is like 3 or 4 months for me) told me that he had not realized some stuff, about me, got some direction from supervisors, and now realizes some stuff he didn't realize before, somehting about "how wounded" you are. He siad that I come across as very intelligent and competent, but that he realized that underneath it I am much more "helpless" than he had originally thought, and that "I really don't know" what to do in these situations. I didn't really mind being told this. It felt true, though my intellect was rebelling/embarrassed at this helpless stuff. This was after a good session where I was able to speak and ask my questions, about why his way of dealing with me had changed, and he had become much more directive and helpful in the sessions, not that he would make decisions for me, but that he was kinder, less scary, more willing to ask questions, and overall just gentler and more willing to "move things along" if I was having trouble speaking. Hm, so I do not know has he changed back again to the old way, or, is it just the way I am seeing it? Or has he completely forgotten about all of that, I am after all one of many clients, how could he remember me and my situation, what is happening, all the intricacies of my particular situation, when he probably deals with clients who have really bad stuff going on...good grief...and is operating in the old way? Thanks for letting me ramble on...

BB

I suspect he realized that you probably are having defenses kick in that signify some sort of past events/pattern. In other words, there is a reason that you are freezing and unable to speak. Somehow in the course of interacting with him something is getting triggered in your nervous system that sets all of that into motion. I went through a period of time with my T where this happened every single session and it was the most frustrating thing for both of us. I could hear myself thinking, "say something....anything...please!!", but there I sat frozen and unable to utter a word. It still happens on occasion, but it's easier now. You said that you feel like it is worse now that you are getting attached. Interesting. For me, it was more the opposite and it took a few leaps of faith and me really allowing myself to be vulnerable to push past it. One other thing that I came up with to help in session was flash cards. If I couldn't speak, but could at least show T the flash card that stated what I was feeling then T could know where to go with me. I had ones that said things like, "I'm feeling vulnerable."; "I'm scared"; "You are reminding me of a person from my past"; etc. I don't know if that would help for you or not, but it's a thought.

Perhaps none of this is even remotely helpful, but mostly I want to say that I admire you for continuing on and trying to find a way to make all of this work. It is often such a trial and error experience.

Hi Beebee,

I realised my gaffe when I went back to look at this - of course I wrote about 'being mortal with a finite lifespan' from my atheist perspective, without really thinking that that might look different from a religious perspective. I meant in -this- life, I guess, but substitute in any of the BIG intractable darknesses - like that people hurt each other, or that illness happens, etc. Sorry for wrongfooting that.

quote:

yet, it is a paradox, Jones, this:

quote:
The darkness of being unable to SPEAK your needs, while looking in the face of another and seeing their acceptance - that one won't be lightened by email, it will sooner or later need speaking and looking.


If I am in such a darkness, how can I come out of it, if the way out is to do what cannot be done?

Beebee - this I think is just an excellent question. It IS a paradox, but I don't think it's an intractable one.

I am reminded of words by the poet Rainer Maria Rilke, who wrote "try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign tongue". This might be an enormously frustrating kind of suggestion, when you so desperately want the kind of guidance that you were badly deprived of as a child (that makes me really angry, by the way). But maybe in this way of being - of valuing the paradox and the question as something precious - there may be some relief too.

I too apologise if none of this is any help. In any case, just think of it as an expression of warmth and goodwill in your direction.

xxJ

Enourmously helpful replies, Monte, STRM Jones, all of you, thank you very much. Unfortunately, I do not have the time to respond just now, but I wanted to thank you. I will be back in a day or two. Jones, no gaffe there...I knew what you meant, dearie! And I understand, and appreciate and am not offended by your different perspective...I just think it is really good, that we can talk from opur different perspectives and have so much respect for eathother, and I thank you for the great gift of that respect, very much!

Love,

Beebs Bee Bee, BB, Blackbird...boy this is getting confusing!

Monte...you are right, my T speaks English as second language. Because he barely has any accent at all, I often forget this. Yes, there are many challenges to the situation, including that, and that we meet over the computer, which is certainly not ideal. Someone wise on here once said, that we choose the T we choose in an unconscious desire to resolve our old conflicts. So I chose a T who I will never meet in person and who doesn't even speak my language, I guess. I wonder if my old conflicts can be resolved? Well, I just know I must keep trying. Yeah, I know.. just bleeping find another T, right? One who speaks English and has a bleeping office to go to, you say? What is it in me, that will NOT let me do that? Well, No T will be HIM, that is what the main problem is.

quote:

I remember a pastor saying during church once that he didn't care why our bum was on the pew (sense of duty, obligation, a pious desire too look good etc) just so long as we WERE there...cos God will do the rest. Same with therapy maybe? My T knows I'm there (...was there) for the relationship rather than his words of wisdom, but he continues to counsel me and influence me.

Love this....and thank you for it. Yes, we need not have the purest motives and intentions, if we will let grace in and to do it's work...and thanks God for that! Because I rarely have the best intentions. Yet I do hope to make some progress. I'm sorry that you seem to feel some regret in leaving at this moment. I'm sure your feelings are changing constantly on the issue, and that doesn't really help...but know you are understood here, at least.
Monte, I realte so much to what you said about wanting to impress him, or stand out in some way...and how that freezes you. Yes, for me too. Theree are many reasons that I freeze and this is one of them. I feel like nothing I want to say may be even honest or the truth, so why bother? My motive to impress or to gain his love and admiration is so intense that I can't trust myself when I speak- at all. However, and if there is one thing I desire more than any other, it is honesty...so it gets to be a bit of a bind. Well, if I can let go, than I can be henest, and say, and articulate even, what I am saying just now...and then it is all ok. But mostly, I find myself unable to do that. So I sit, stuck, miserable. Wishing he could help me...but he doesn't. Just sits there. At least he smiles now. That's better than when he was a stone face or even looked crabby and scary.

[QUOTEAs a client that gets frequently bogged in therapy, I too feel like the hopeless client who can't be helped. I think sometimes I don't want to shift, because shifting means letting go of something precious...] [/QUOTE]

Monte, I've thought alot about this, too...and for me, that something precious is the sense itself of being cared for, I think. Once I let him know, really open up...well, I just do not believe that he would care after that. Impossible. So the decion to be open, for me, entails admitting to some things that are not particularly admirable. And I am really sure, that once I do that, he will think less of me. Yet, I also feel a drive to do that...as I have mentioned elsewhere, it is almost a drive to punish myself by making him realize what a creep I really am. which I question. I am not so sure, this will be good, if I do it. I've done it before...with less than satisfactory results. In fact left feeling more creepy than before I "fessed up." It's almost like a person whould have to be so loving that they would have truly no judgement at all about my actions because I can pick up on an interior criticism a mile away, even if the person is trying hard to be non-judmental. I'm sure you can all realte to that. So it gets very confusing for me, too, to speak. Wow...though the inticacies of this will be forgotten by tomorrow, it sure feels good to write them out right now, even if I can't ever speak them out loud!

Maybe this next happens for the rest of you all, too- I always get the sense (and I could be wrong) that my T is just waiting for something. Just sitting there waiting, not going to do anything to make it happen...even if it becomes clear, that it will *never* happen. Even if "it" *has* to happen. Whatever "it" is. And that makes me really kind of despair. Because I can't make "it" happen, either. and I think, somehow, deeply, that he is beginning to think that "it" can't happen for me. either. Maybe that is why he suggests a "break." I know it bothers him to take money...and he is always on about "what are getting from this, what are your goals" and so on. He has a product and heck, he's ethical...he wants to deliver said product, and preferable, on time, by golly! Well, how long shall we sit...and wait for "it" whatever "it" is do you think? And, as seems to be his concern, "waste my money" so to speak? Thanks for the response Monte...btw- do you have any superglue handy? These dang feathers keep falling out...

STRM-

quote:

I went through a period of time with my T where this happened every single session and it was the most frustrating thing for both of us. I could hear myself thinking, "say something....anything...please!!", but there I sat frozen and unable to utter a word.

Yes, my thoughts exactly. I even think, well, maybe it would be ok to just discuss the weather. I even said that once, in jest, and he responded in all seriouness, as if he hadn't even gotten my joke... "oh, we can talk about the weather, if you want..." which just shut me up even more. What the heck is going on, here? Especially since I really do want to talk about just ordinary stuff or everyday life with him. STRM, it is I who admire you, for finding tools that work for you and not being afraid to USE them. Wow, I love the flashcard idea, but I would be too scared to try it. Oh, what if he laughed at me, or yelled at me, or whatever...of I would be doing that to myself, I guess. STRM, can I just say, that I admire you very much indeed? and yes, your response was very helpful...and very supportive, and I thank you for it. (((((STRM))))

Jones...as I said, no gaffe..I really appreciate your thoughtful response. I'd like to pose a question...what if, nothing is in fact intractable? What if darknesses can become light? What if there was a way? Big philosophical question that, but it is the kind of thing I enjoy pondering... as well. I don't think you could wrongfoot anything if you tried, Jones. You are much too heartfelt to ever wrongfoot. That you are around, makes me feel happy.
The quote by Rilke is not frustrating, rather, it is comforting...the idea of finding joy in mystery, is something that is very hope-giving. And so much of life is just simply a mystery, isn't it? I think that therapy presents such a mystery for many of us and that is ultimately why we stay...it's like trying to put a puzzle together, well you get a piece and then a piece, and it just doesn't stop, it's an endless puzzle...but the desire to complete it never really goes away. groan. sorry for waxing all philosophical...I'll get off my little soapbox now. Posting has made me feel better for a bit, and I am glad there can be some relif in that...!

I miss my T. As usual.

BeeBee

BB

I read what you say and so understand your confusion....therapy Is confusing - there are rules that are unwritten and no guidebook to really show us what to do or what is expected of us. We have to learn by getting it very wrong sometimes - or occasionally getting it very right!

I think I have moved forwards the most when I have made myself the most vulnerable, said the things I was fearful of saying, spoken my deepest darkest thoughts/memories....and just occasionally (!) my feelings if I could. Like STRMS with her flashcards, I sometimes make a deal with myself before I go in that says that if I am thinking something important when there's a silence, then I will say it. I tell T that's what I'm going to do beforehand (my disclaimer maybe!!), but it helps to get it said.

quote:

maybe it would be ok to just discuss the weather. I even said that once, in jest, and he responded in all seriouness, as if he hadn't even gotten my joke... "oh, we can talk about the weather, if you want..." which just shut me up even more

Aw Beebs I get that...I know my T would sit and talk about the weather if I said that's what I wanted to...she would say that muust be important for me at the time so would go with it.. But I know also that she wouldn't talk about the weather if she thought I was doing it to avoid discussing something else Darn, how come they can tell this stuff....? Maybe your T is just waiting for you to discuss the storm that hangs above you, rather than the spots of rain we had last week??

Oh and BB, don't worry about those moulting feathers...they've just fallen out to let the stronger shinier ones come through

starfish

Oh, BB (I am particularly fond of "Beebs," though )...

It is all so hard. I particularly identified with this:

quote:

he is always on about "what are getting from this, what are your goals" and so on.

You too??? Well, my T doesn't repeat it a lot, but we had a session where I just said that I didn't know why I even started therapy, I don't know what compelled me to first seek help. My T asked me if I knew what I wanted out of it, and I just kept saying that I didn't know. I think I do know, but I'm too afraid to fess up to what I want, because it feels like such a forbidden thing. Even though all it is, is the care of someone else. It feels like such a selfish thing to want that I feel as if admitting that would be to also throw away that something "precious," and it seems too risky. It is at the times when I feel like the only answer I can give to my T is something that admits how much I want her to care and I want to feel her care, that I find it hardest to speak.

Anyway, as far as the money thing, well perhaps your T thinks that particular appeal would help propel you into some spontaneous enlightenment about what your goals are in therapy. My T told me that it would be beneficial to be able to identify my goals so that we could both aim for the same place and we could limit conflicts that could arise from incompatible goals. I said that I've been in therapy for a year, and I still don't even know why I started, let alone what I want from it, and she said that you have to figure it out from an emotional place, not cognitive. Maybe, BB, if you can figure out what you want in the end, you can figure out what you need now.

Oh, BB, I have no idea if any of that's at all helpful. I suppose my brain is a little foggy!

quote:

Oh and BB, don't worry about those moulting feathers...they've just fallen out to let the stronger shinier ones come through

Love this!!! Sit tight, Beebs...your new feathers will break through before too long.

Hey BB - Nice to see you back!

Smiley

thanks, Smiley...it is really great to see you, too. How are you doing today?

BB

oh, and hi Starfish and Kashley...I just scrolled up and noticed you replied...I will be back when I have a chance.

xx

Warning, massive post....OK, so I think I'm settling down a bit. Yesterday I did some stuff. today I went out with the kids by myself, which may sound pathetic, but for me is always something I am proud of, that I could handle it and make the decisions involved in having an outing without spacing out. I think I am starting to reconcile myself to the fact that my T probably doesn't really feel capable of handling my problems that originate in some floaty, terrified, inarticualte emotional place. He's always on about tangible goals and stuff...I'm thinking he just wants me to tell him what my daily struggles are, and deal with those.... I'm a bit scared, because I met again with my SD, who operates very differently than my T does. He is very directive in the meetings, asks me really hard questions point blank. I seem to spend most of my time with him in tears. Which he says is a good thing, healing. I get so scared. Last tiem I met him, I did almost pass out while we spoke. I mean, that is exaggeration probably, yet I got very dizzy and head rushes, and nearly fell asleep. This happens sometimes with my T, too, but not so strongly. I think it's some kind of really powerful anxiety or fear reaction, I'm not sure why it happens, since we aren't discussing anything that most people would probably consider very intense. weird. But my SD always wants to get into emotional stuff. He keeps checking all the time, how do you feel? His questions are always helpful. IDK...I guess I feel perhaps I need to let him deal with emotional stuff, and just use my T for behavior type changes I need help making, since my T doesn't really seem to understnad me at all. I feel sad about that. Actually really really sad, but I don't let myself feel it much anymore. Well, I will work on tangible goals with him, since that is clearly what he wants to do. My SD, doesn't even let me TALK about goals. Just asks gently about my past, and stuff like that. that's weird. I love my SD, but not like I love my T. I really long for my T, to understnad me, to want to know me, to care for me. Why? I just feel sad about my T. I wish he could care enough, to really understand. I guess, I need to do more, is it this CBT people talk about on here- with him? Think, hard, what do I want to change and then ask his help to change it, is that what CBT is...sometimes maybe that is what I need to do, anyway, because if I can become a better person, maybe a better self-image will follow. Idk...Idk anything!

Starfish I just wanted to comment on a couple of things.

quote:

I read what you say and so understand your confusion....therapy Is confusing - there are rules that are unwritten and no guidebook to really show us what to do or what is expected of us. We have to learn by getting it very wrong sometimes - or occasionally getting it very right!

My problem is that I do not function well in no-man's land, where I do not know what is allowed, what isn't, what I am supposed to be concerned about, what my real concerns are as opposed to someone else's, and so on. I feel like I just need some kind of starting base, some ground rules, or someone just to help me get started talking, so that I know what is normal and ok to talk about. I think my T just wants me to realize that it's ok to talk about anything, but I simply can't function that way. I absolutely need some kind of guidance and direction into the process and what I'm doing, and he will not bite. I guess he probably thinks I'm able to do it, but I don't know...I can talk about it, understand it, and all the rest, and even see the benefit of being muscled into a position where I'm forced to either figure out and then ask for what I need (ick)or just be silent and don't ask... but there is just something in me that WILL NOT ALLOW IT. Don't ask me what. I can do by email no problem. Just not face to face.

quote:

But I know also that she wouldn't talk about the weather if she thought I was doing it to avoid discussing something else

I've asked my T to "call me on stuff" like this, or to tell me when I do something wrong, if he picks up on it, but he either doesn't pick up on stuff like this at the time, and I am usually in such a panicy fame of mind that I doubt I would either. I really need this kind of thing from him. Well, he just won't consistently deliver, I've asked and asked.I really need somebody to reflect back to me what I'm doing so that I can see it...and that just doesn't seem to happen, at least not in a way that I remember/process. sigh. idk, maybe it IS happening, and I just forgot. Thanks for your kindness to me, Starfishy..and your funny comment about my "feathers " unfortunely I have several bald spots at the moment and no sign of new growth that I am aware of.

So Kashley, yeah, I can think about what I want out of therapy, well I have a mile long list...but when the time comes and I am face to face with my T... that list just goes out the window and all I can think is, totally unacceptable- "all I want is for you to tell me you care, to be kind to me, hold me (impossible in my case, even if he would which I doubt) and teach me, show me you remember who I am and what I am dealing with and that YOU wnat to help me find the answers" Well, Actually, I don't even think that, to be honest. What I think goes more like this: (cue static) "schhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...." Well, so much for my tangible goals that he wants me to have. the thing that bothers me, is that there is something more going on here, then I have the ability to figure out. I know it, I sense it, and I know it is something in me that is probably pretty pivotal stuff that needs to change...but instead of trying to figure out what I'm getting at here, all he does is focus on tangible goals, getting needs met, and so on, and probably in all sincerity thinks that I am just resisting asking for help...I know there is more to it than that...there is something that is sropping me, and that I want him to stop judging me as a resisting client, and look at what it is that is making me resist...or something like that. Well, I can't just overcome this without understanding it first, or something like that...oh, he drives me crazy, why won't he help? why? I just don't know...what it is.

[QUOTE]Like STRMS with her flashcards, I sometimes make a deal with myself before I go in that says that if I am thinking something important when there's a silence, then I will say it. I tell T that's what I'm going to do beforehand (my disclaimer maybe!!), but it helps to get it said.

My problem with this, SF is that I can't really connect with it, so even if I said it, it wouldn't impact stuff for me very much. Unless he was able to take it and do something with it...but he doesn't seem to, really, at least as I can remember.

But, Wow, that's pretty good. Maybe I will try this, Starfish...well. maybe.

The other thing I'm thinking, is that today I sent T an email because I realized suddenly that I need some help with something, very specific, kind of tangible problem. My T likes those. So, I was rather surprised, my T responded pretty favourable to my request for help with this problem, and siad we talk about it when we meet next week. ok, so that is cool, even though that session has been set aside to talk about impending break, I guess I can fit this in there somehow, if I can talk, please God. But what I don't really understand, is that I know that when the time comes, he will still say: (cue deep voice) "what do you want to focus on today, BB?" And I will panic and freeze. Why is it so, freaking unbelievable hard to just say, "Oh, hello, T, today I would like to focus on..." Why? Why, why, why?

I was just thinking maybe it's because I have these massive breaks in between, most of the time, and it just gets too hard again. It's been since mid July since I saw him. Now he suggests as one of many "options" that I "may find helpful" that I take a break. Next week we meet to discuss a break, instead of...like...how my summer went, how am I doing, what next in T? What the heck? I think my T hates me. I just realized...I have no idea what he is doing. Is he toying with me? Sorry to go on and on. I think the break is a good idea tonight. Tomorrow I'm sure to feel completely different. Actually in about 30 seconds I will. ugh.

I just realized from posting that after a significant break, my T suggested I take a break. what the?? obviously he is not pleased with me.

I'm posting and I can't shut up!

To be fair, this was suggested after a fair bit of "therapy angst" on my part....

all delivered by email, of course.

Hm, maybe just a bad habit, that is a thought, Monts...I'll think on that a bit. Yeah, lack of continuity, that is a good way to put it. Problem is, whenever I go all freaky on him, he pulls back, too...starts suggesting breaks and stuff like that, saying if I'm not getting anything out of it I should consider that and so on..when I wish he would just say, you are always welcome here, even if you don't understand why you are here, or something like that. idk.

Thanks for the input Monts...it means a lot to me right now...I've been really struggling since that SD session, just trying to figure out what my problem is!

xx

Feather-face

plus, I'm not sure, in fact I do NOT think that connection, however much I might want it, is what I am supposed to be going for with him. I don't think he would like that.

This is turning into an online journal...So please don't feel any worries about not reading or responding, because I really do understand how impossible it is to read and write to everybody.
But I just need a place to put all this down. Here among friends seems like the best place right now. I don't want to be totally alone with it anymore. I'd rather write reams to my T, but he won't be able to read it. I don't know...why don't I write in a private journal...it's like I have this really intense need to share it. I need to vent. Please don't read any firther if you don't want to hear me complaining and being a big weenie. So I had another weird fight with my dh last night. I can say the most outrageous things to him, and he will just sit there, nodding sagely. Sometimes he even absent-mindedly agrees with me. Wonder why I always go and try to bait him. why do I fall back into following these old patterns...it is clear that our relationship has no meaning or connection. He is perfectly happy, as long as I hide my unhappiness. If I let it show, then we begin to have problems. Just be quiet and be happy, BB. Something has to change. I will have to get counseling for us, I guess, but I just can't see being able to talk to both of them there. I think I will croak! Man, is there any way out of this mess? I feel so trapped...trapped in my life, trapped in therapy too. What therapy?? Isn't this supposed to help the situation? Why do I have such a big problem with it? Why do I feel so hugely guilty for needing more sessions that T is willing to offer me? We've tried and tried to go every two weeks. It just never works out. Why does it make me so massively sad that T wants to work on tangible goals and me learn to ask for what I need, and that I should already be everything that I'm not and want to be, take care of myself, etc. Gosh. I really am starting to give up I think. Gosh and had my boy's first neurology appointment today and my kids were SO out of control all the whole time. Then we waited two freaking hours for him to pee in the dumb little bag, allwhile they were going nuts, and he ver would, so finally we left amidst the worlds largest temper tantrum because I didn't give him a lollypop, since he wasn't listening to me, even though they took his blood. so I felt (still feel) bad and did'n't know what to do. So we have to go back tomorrow take more blood, and try again. (Of course when we got home the little baggy was full, arg, after waiting all that time. And we have to back and back and back for more testing and more testing I swear this kid has see every pedatic specialist that exists, but there is nothing wrong with him. I don't get it. Why do I keep doing this, when he is normal healthy(for the most part) little kid who has a few little issues? why do I have to see every Dr on the planet? He's adorable, happy, and normal! geez. I never thought I would, but I think I just can't keep hoping anymore. Ok, this is getting too weepy...I think I'd better take a little breather. I feel really out of control lately. arg. I wish I had somebody to talk to. But it's my own fault that I don't because I can't talk like this when it's to a real person. sheesh. I better go. I'll be normal tomorrow.
bye all.

BB

(((BEEBEE)))

i read all of it. Keep talking, girl- whatever you need to do that helps you a bit. I think i relate to much to your stuff right now to be able to say anything else useful. WE ARE A HUGE SECRET FAMILY with similar strugglings i guess. Its a lot of comfort in that i think. You`re not alone and your monologe is very welcome and i dont know how you are when you`re "normal" a you wrote- but i am becoming a fan of this BB as well. thats for sure.
Heads up BB. Take care- and please come back.

BB- we must have been replied on each others tread at the same time! I know you have all these strugglings now- so i just wanted to say that it is very generous of you to take time and reply on my tread! Thank you.

And it's generous of you, too, Frog...



Hope you're feeling better.

BB

Hi BB,

Sorry you're struggling so much right now. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you, but I'm really lacking in that department these days. I do agree with Monte that taking a break really isn't the best thing for therapy, though. The fact that you say that your T wouldn't like you to have a connection with him has me a bit concerned. I know you have an attachment to your T, but have you considered finding a different T to work with? I'm just saying this because (and don't take this the wrong way, please) a lot of what you describe in your 'journaling' sounds like some things I could write myself and for me I need a T that will work with me and my attachment issues. I didn't realize before therapy that I had deep attachment wounds, but boy do I. And a lot of the inner loneliness you have talked about, and the empty relationship you have with your DH, and I'm assuming here that like me you don't have a lot of close girl friends, or like me maybe you don't even have one close girl friend!, I don't know. But I NEED to work through my attachment issues before I work on the CBT stuff with my T. That will follow, but the relationship stuff has to come first, and if a T isn't willing to 'go there' with a client who needs that sort of help, they're not worth staying with. Just my 2 cents, FWIW.

I wish I could help you feel better and sort things out. Therapy is tough, isn't it? It brings up all sorts of issues I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would ever have to face in my lifetime. Hahahahahahaha!!!

Keep posting, BB. I also get the need to just vent and get it out. I don't keep a journal IRL, although I KNOW I 'should'. I will someday regret that I haven't, but this place works for me for now. Hang in there, BB. Take care!

Hugs,
MTF

BB,

I haven't read all posted in this thread yet, but read some and think I get the gist of what is going on for you....I am sorry things are this hard!

My initial thought was.....I wonder if this is a replay in your life somehow of how it was relating in your family? Sometimes we go through re-enactments of early situations with our therapists....its like the situation is saying "Here it is in your face, here is another opportunity to repair it!".....and I wonder if situations like this might keep appearing until it is seen and addressed.

I have had that happen, so wondered if this dynamic might be happening for you too.

FOr me, I wasn't seen by my mom, dad, family. I was not seen at school or remembered (the no problem kid), I was lost and was not seen in the mental health system (the one who falls through the cracks big time), lost and not heard or truly seen by my doctors therapists who didn't recognize what was going on for quite a while.....until it became so obvious it couldn't be ignored any longer. It was my early attachment injury repeating itself down through the years. It is taking a lot of work to claim my right to be in this world functioning and create a space for me.

Just a thought.

IHTS