Thanks Frog, MTF and IHTS...

Thanks for reading and understanding. I don't know, MTF...my T reminds me a lot of yours. It's like I get something from him, but I don't believe in it, because it's not consistent enough, and because I have to keep trying to run my own therapy...or something like that. If I could figure it all out what I need from him and then articulate it as he wants me to. If I could figure out how to do my own therapy, then why would I be paying him hundereds a month to meet with me? If I was that self-motivated to heal, then I would be doing a lot of reading and journaling IRL...MTF, I do not want to trigger you, or hurt you, so I say the rest carefull. I have too many girlfriends. I have many friends, lots of connections, and almost it is crazy the number of people that I should get together with on a regular babis, but I try everything I can to avoid them. My heart sinks when I realize I have got to see this one or that one...don't ask me how this is true, it doesn't really make sense to me. But the reality is that these multiple friendships and connections do nothing at all to alleviate my inner lonliness, which is always my companion. So I guess, I am a helper, so lots of people like me.... a lot. But I still feel very alone. I wonder what is the answer.

IHTS:

You and I have a similar setup, in that I wasn't seen (as important or having needs I guess) by my family. Then in school I was seen as a troublemaker and rather severely punished for it, stuck in the basement at my desk alone for months so as not to pollute the rest of the kids and stuff like that. Finally I was taken out of school kept home and left alone much of the time. So I can really relate to this:

quote:

It is taking a lot of work to claim my right to be in this world functioning and create a space for me.

However, I find I am not really creating such a place for myself, not even in therapy. Hm well, I guess I must be waiting for someone else to welcome me, and show me that path, but that is not happening in a consistently meaningful way in therapy. Well, as you say, re-creating old patterns...well, like that my therapist is not really available to me, lives thousands of miles away, doesn't speak English as his first language, and I will never see him "in person." And that my T doesn't really "see" me either...in that my problems are not seen as important enough to warrant a stronger level of support for me than he seems able or willing to offer.(He is an extremely busy kind of person, lots of clients, and so on-I couldn't meet with him weekly, even if I *could* afford it. I can't help thinking, why have I done this to myself? I really MUST have unconsciously re-created the same situation I had growing up, without realizing it. Now I really feel unable to give up on "making it work." But maybe that is exactly what I have to do...give up...? But it is just agonizingly painful, and puts me into a very bad and dysfunctional state. I really am stuck badly, and do not know what to do. I wish I could reach out to my T with some of this...but he is not available until next week, and there are just other things to discuss at that point since it will have been two months since I saw him, and now it seems a break is impending. Yes, the break is ultimately self-inflicted, yet I find it significant that he suggested it to me, with no particular emphasis or care, about what I do. How can meeting with someone to establish connection, be helpful if the person I am meeting with doesn't really care one way or the other about connecting with ME? Long ago he confirmed in an email that he really wouldn't care or notice if I were to die...his response was something like "you need to look at that, you also wouldn't care if I died because it is not ****** the man that you think about, but Dr.*** that you need something from." I just never got past that, and other, massively triggery, *I don't really care personally about you, I just care about you as a paying client-type stuff* stuff he's said to me. Talk about walking over hot coals.

He will not be happy if I change the agenda away from my "tangible goals" to all of this floaty emotional stuff. Or, perhaps maybe he just won't care at all what I do, as long as I pay my bill to him. God...I am really alone with it. gah. But Thanks so very much for listening... Just so's you know, any input is welcome...

BB

Hey Beebs,

I just want to say that if you do decide to part ways with your T, you are doing something GOOD for yourself. You're doing what you couldn't do in childhood and taking yourself out of a situation that you know and can feel isn't good for you. In this context, what you are doing is anything but giving up. Completely the opposite, in fact, in my opinion.

I know it's easy to say and immensely harder to do, but try not to blame yourself for what isn't going right in your therapy. I find myself frustrated with your T, hearing that he has himself so booked up that he probably could not even work with you a little earlier even if you needed it. But, BB, however this ends up, it sounds to me like your therapy with this T has been very good and very beneficial for you, because, if nothing else, it has helped you clarify what you so desperately want (and deserve) from a T. It seems like there's simply an element of incompatibility between what you want and the way your T conducts therapy.

Anyway, I hope none of what I wrote makes you feel worse or more stuck...all that matters in the end is how you feel about the situation, and of course whatever you decide I will fully support!

Big hugs,
K

To be fair, those were my words, not his...he just kind of confirmed them in a really round-about, philosophical kind of way...

Gah...if I give up T with him I really think that I will die.

He's done so much good for me. I won't be going to another T, because I know I will end up with same problems.

Thanks you so much for input. Sheesh I am a bit of a mess.

oh, draggers...I wish that were true, more than I can say... I am very confused. Transference feelings have gotten really really bad again lately. So it's the old I don't know what is true and what isn't true. Thank you so much for you support, and caring...

Love,

BB

Kashley, thank you so much for you response...it's really helpful to see it from another perspective outside of myself...and thank you for the support no matter what I ultimately decide. How are things with T for you these days? Are you still all foggy? Do you feel you can make it between session? How are things with your mum going? (Well, only answer if you want to, I'm not trying to force)

BB

quote:

BB...... This isnt about giving up.This is about moving on in a more positive way and trying to get some more of your needs met..this is about growth and healing.......ok its going to be painful.

Thanks for this draggers...this is really insightful. I have to think on it. I think I keep wishing my T would be the T I need. Or that I could see that he is the T I need, I just need to ask for more maybe...oh, if I asked for more, I wonder what would happen?

BB

it is nice to see you draggers...how are you doing?

BB

(sorry so many posts in a row)

Hi BB, you are so kind to ask about me. I sincerely hope that none of what I write makes you feel worse. Please tell me if it does, and I won't hesitate to delete.

I just got back from a pretty dramatic session...I have had trouble lately with some intrusive thoughts (...the kind that get you hospitalized)...and I guess it really worries my T, because I've expressed to her how physically impossible it seems to be for me to reach out and call her in a time of need. My T took some proactive measures today. Honestly, I'm still a little overwhelmed by it, and it has yet to sink in. But that's only because I'm so shocked that my T would do these things for me. I've also only asked my T for an earlier appointment once before, but I asked again today. To my surprise, it was actually a little easier. I'm meeting with my T again on Monday.

I really haven't had anything come up with my mom lately, either with her or in therapy, because I'm just trying to deal with these random surges of feelings that are coming up between sessions. It's all so confusing.

Aw Kashley. It is so good that you have such a supportive T. What kind of proactive measures has she taken? No it doesn't make me feel badly, in the way you are worrying about. (But thanks for worrying about me that is sweet) Really, I am glad that you have a supportive T, who is there and when you need her. To be honest, I often feel sad that the level of support doesn't feel available to me, yet, I can't get triggered- in the sense that it makes me happy that others have a level of support that they need. So, it's kind of relief, that others have that. It feels good to know. I was reflecting lately, that if my T terminated me solely because he needed more time with his kids, that would be actually, quite ok, somehow. It's weird. It's like, the world and it's lacks is what is deeply bothering me.
Well, Kashley, it sounds like you are really getting into the tough stuff now, and that you have someone who can help you with it. I know those overwhelming feelings after sessions, when we havn't been able to express ourself, can be so devastating to deal with. Please take care of yourself, and know, deeply that you are precious and unique. Thank you for your kindness to me in the middle of your own deep pain. And tell me more if you are able.

Love,

BB

Hey BB, just a little theory of mine, but maybe it doesn't trigger you because you know that you can get that for yourself? Perhaps it gives you some hope that the support you want really IS out there.

I told my T today about a day earlier in the week that I felt very close to doing something stupid. I feel so confused lately, especially because I described the impulse I had as coming from some completely different person. But it has really done a number on how much I trust myself in my ability to keep from doing something, because that impulse came and went so seemingly randomly that I just don't know if and when it may happen again. At the very end of the session, I said that I wasn't sure I would be able to pick up the phone if I was in a bad spot. I had thought about using medication, and I need a refill, and I told her that it's a bit of a catch, because going off of it wouldn't be good, either. She said that I could go to the pharmacy everyday and get my meds for that day until I was through this period. She knows me and how intimidated I would be doing that, so she then said that she had an hour until her next appointment, and she would go with me to the pharmacy and talk to the pharmacist with me about arranging something like that. Which is exactly what she did.

I don't know... I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm a little in shock that these things seem to be necessary.

Wow, Kashley...I think that is great....she sounds brilliant. It seems like she has found the way to show that she cares for you in a totally appropriate way, without crossing any therapeutic boundaries. Well, she is your Dr. and she came with you to help fill your prescription...that is really great. I can understand your sense of shock...well, I had something similar once, when my T recently gave me his phone number (well, to call if I wanted to cancel, in fact, but still) just that he gave me his number meant a lot. And actually when I remember I think he did that one other time, too,and I am remembering the feelings of shock associated with that, for me..."surely this isn't neccessary for ME???" and combined with some fear that it might be neccessary, confusion that "extra" care would be offered to me...yeah, I can understand that you would be feeling the way you are. But I think it's important to realize that it doesn't mean there is something "wrong" with you in the sense that you aren't going crazy or something, kwim? My t helped me a lot by telling me this over and over...even at one point he "upped" my dx and was very clear with me that there was nothing "wrong" with me, etc...but that the dx just had to be there, and etc. I guess the thing I've always struggled with a lot, is the in T there is something inherent in it that makes me feel "sick." And feeling like that can make things a lot worse for me in really subtle ways, or even tend to lead into a kind of victim mentality that isn't conducive towards healing...(this is all just for me, I'm not insinuating that I think it's your experience too, but it could be) so I always deeply appreciated those efferts to normalize my issues, even though another part of me "wants" to be sick, to be needy, to be taken care of. I'm glad to hear that your T was there for you in such a kind and personal way. You deserve that kind of care and looking after your needs, without "worrying" about it. ((((((Kashley)))))))

Hey there draggers, if you are still reading this nice volume of war and peace I am creating...I am sorry that you are in your words, "bloody awful-but still smiling." Well, I guess, it is good you are smiling, maybe? I don't know, sometimes, maybe neccessary, but wish you could also let some of it out, someway. I know how hard that is. You are funny, but I still feel bad that you are in such troubles and feeling so low it's just a incredibly hard time for you. If you feel safe enough, I wish I could ask more, yet, I do not want to push you either! I know that might scare you, and I don't want to do that! So, many hugs draggers, for you...((((((draggers))))) and let me know how you are doing if you can... (details girl, I want details... ) just kidding around with you, draggers, no pressure.

Love,

BB

Hey Beebs,

quote:

so I always deeply appreciated those efferts to normalize my issues, even though another part of me "wants" to be sick, to be needy, to be taken care of.

I understand this completely...it's a hard thing to deal with, because it leads to this endless push/pull of wanting to feel care, but feeling as if we have to be a victim to receive it, and then (for me), feeling guilty about the whole thing! Which only leads to backing off from my T before it starts all over again.

quote:

I'm glad to hear that your T was there for you in such a kind and personal way. You deserve that kind of care and looking after your needs, without "worrying" about it.

You are so sweet, BB. I've spent a lot of time since my session being almost consumed with this need to apologize to my T for being a trouble and being the way I am.

How are you today, BB?