Hey Meta,

Technically, in attachment theory there are four categories of attachment styles: secure, anxious/ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized/fearful-avoidant. The difference between disorganized and ordinary avoidant is that straight-up avoidants aren't at all aware of their attachment needs. That is, they don't feel needy. Whereas those who are disorganized (fearful-avoidant) are aware of wanting to connect with people, and feel needy, but they also don't want to attach because it terrifies them.

Even when you are already attached to a T, it can be terrifying to think or talk about that attachment. Sometimes you have to take it in baby steps. It's OK to tell your T that talking about it is still too triggering for you. I've had to tell mine she wasn't allowed to talk about caring about me because I found it too dysregulating. I'm coming to terms with it very, very slowly.

I hope that helps.

Hey BLT -

Thanks so much for your post. I found a lot of comfort in you saying that you had to tell your therapist that s/he couldn't talk about caring for you because it was disregulating. YES! Scary! Upsetting! Yes!

But I guess my real question is - "Does the fact that I'm having feelings about NOT wanting to attach, or does the fact that her physically moving closer scared the bejezus out of me MEAN that I am attaching to her?"

Is it possible that I'm not attaching to her (I don't feel that much connection to her in between visits, etc) but I was still freaked out by this stuff?

*And yes, I am aware that my hyper-fixation on whether or not I am attaching to my T is worth some looking at. UGH. *

MMM, i agree. i have read here where some people have their T sit NEXT to them! i think i would just about have a heart attack if my T ever came that close to me! seriously! like, how does the relationship even get to that point?!? i doubt that answers your question. for me, it feels like physical closeness is just too much, and i was not physically abused. i don't know where that comes from, but i know the intensity of the feeling. can't give you any advice, but maybe some comfort knowing you're not the only one out there with those feelings. incidentally, i do believe i'm attached to me T. the thought of therapy coming to a close and never seeing him again rather freaks me out. but i still fight it, and i really don't like it, either ... being attached to something i know to be short-term. seems rather illusory to me ...

hyper-fixation ... yep ...

Hmm, I'm not sure that being afraid of getting attached, or of being closer, necessarily means you are attaching. But I doubt it means you aren't, either. What do you think?

Hey Doors -

Thanks for your post. I am grateful that you can empathize with my feelings. I tell you, I am so bothered by the stuff that's been happening lately. I guess I need to talk to my T about it - how it's freaking me out that I'm getting freaked out.

**Note to self. Hey, self. You get pretty freaked out about your feelings. You get pretty freaked out about having them, about what they look like, about feeling them. (See your other post.)

BLT - Aha. Nice transition to what you said. Thanks for asking me what I thought. Your post was pretty perfect - you told me I wasn't necessarily attaching, but that I wasn't not. So that kinda calmed me down. And then you asked me what I thought. Just reading your post sorta unlocked me, I think.

So. What do I think...

I think that I am afraid of my feelings. I think that 90% of my work is just that - I have my feelings, and if I could just deal with them it would be one thing. But instead, I have this other layer on top that is a layer of my feelings ABOUT my feelings.

I think I hate my feelings and my needs.

I think that I have just discovered, or perhaps am experiencing a real sensitivity around, avoidance. I think for a while I was working on the insecure part of my disorganized attachment, and I thought that was really *me*, but now I'm working on the avoidant part of me, some.

I think my little person is terrified of getting close to anyone, for good reason.

I think my little person feels like we have plenty of "OMG, I'm so strung out over this person" already, thank you very much.

I think that I might not be attaching to my therapist (yet); it doesn't feel like attachment. It feels like fear and panic and terror that that's even a possibility. So, I'm feeling afraid of something like attachment happening without my control. And I'm feeling afraid and upset about how afraid of it I am.

I am upset about how upset I am, because it means the bad stuff is true.

Oh, wait - that's my other post.

I like these thoughts of yours, Meta. Another possibility is that PART of you is getting attached, and another part of you is running away the other direction, or freaking out about the fact that the other part is getting attached. Just like some parts of you have feelings, and other parts of you have feelings about THOSE feelings.

To me, the only way to start untangling the mess is just to try accepting every part, starting with whatever is "up" the most.

Hey there BLT -

There you go again, figuring my stuff out faster than me. I hadn't considered this idea - that different parts of me were having such different feelings. That sounds pretty obvious now, but it makes such sense. My T has me picture myself as my adult self me, holding on one hip the insecure needy part of my disorganized attachment, and on the other hip my avoidant part. It makes total sense that parts of me are having different feelings.

Untangling. Oh my, yes. YES. Thanks for all the support, BLT. Seriously.