Hi there guys, just joined here a few minutes ago after finding this place on the internet after looking for a counseling forum.

Basically, I'm writing here right now in the hope that someone... anyone... would hear me out with what I'm going through right now, hopefully easing out even some of the pain I'm feeling right now.

Before anything else, I'd like to admit first that most of what I'm experiencing right now is a direct result of what recent decisions I have made in my life, and also a result of me undergoing the process of me digging myself out of the pit I unwittingly put myself in.

I'm having a lot of problems with my self-esteem and confidence, which is so shot right now that I can swear it's practically not there anymore. The way I am now, I think I'm absolutely worthless in anything I do. I find myself in constant despair over my future, and increasingly isolated, without anyone there to support me, to turn to, or to care about me even.
It gets so bad at times that sometimes thoughts of dying are the only things that can calm me down, though the very thought also does bother me when it does arise.

Like I mentioned earlier, a huge chunk of what I'm going through right now is a direct result of the recent decisions I have made in my life.
I'm a licensed RN, but the thing is, I'd rather not practice the profession. Don't get me wrong, I hold it in very high esteem, and I absolutely get that this profession would put me really well off for the rest of my life, but I don't really feel that this career is the right one for me.

After saying all this, I bet you guys would ask... why then did I become a RN in the first place then if I didn't want to become one after all?
First of all, I believe my personality isn't really suited for this sort of career where you have to cater and give support to every whim and ailment of every human being given to your care, which I admit was something I had clearly overlooked back when I had to select a course of study when I was about to enter college at the age of 15 (I was accelerated a few grades and ended up going to college earlier than most of my peers).

I went throughout college studying for Nursing only because of the idea of financial gain and stability, and the egging on of my family about how rewarding it would be in the end. At first I thought as well that I wanted this to be my lifelong career as well, but it became more apparent to me as my studies went on that this wasn't really my true calling.
In the end however though, I just put off my misgivings about it because I thought my negative feelings about it would go away with time, and that I couldn't really afford the extra time, money, and disappointment from my family that would come with switching of courses.

I eventually graduated and achieved my licenses for practice relatively fast, and started working immediately. However, about 3 months into my job, I slowly started to fully realize that Nursing really wasn't my calling, as I began questioning myself what the hell I was doing in the hospital, and I started appearing at work listless and depressed. This scared me the most, because I knew that this sort of mental status reflects on how you do your work, something which I couldn't really afford as well when dealing with really sick or disabled people.
Eventually, I told myself that I had to get out of it while I still could at my young age, and pursue another career that would have more meaning to me.

After quitting that job, I decided to move on forward and never look back again. I consider that decision I made to be the bravest and the first real risky one I have ever made in my life, as all I've ever done before was play it safe and just walk along the path others have already set up for me. At first, I thought it myself crazy for actually going through with it, but the results were immediate as I felt a general feeling of elation at the thought that I was finally going to be able to decide for myself what I wanted to do for a career.

Unfortunately though, my family only saw that decision as a really insane and reckless decision, and nothing else. I can't really blame them for thinking that, since I initially thought that way also, but I knew what I was getting into, and was prepared to take responsibility for it.
Since then, almost everyone in my family has subjected me to tirades of belittlement and disparaging comments, something which continues to this day, and something which has effectively devastated me inside.

I was expecting the strong resistance to my decision from my family to begin with, but I feel right now that I'm needlessly being kicked while I'm still literally at the lowest point of my life right now, where I'm working menial jobs right now to try to save up to try to get back into school and put myself in a better position of my choosing.

I'm getting treated right now as a failed investment by my family because I effectively couldn't contribute a meaningful income to the household anymore after quitting my nursing job. After being treated as the golden boy of the family for much of my life as the first born with an exciting future, I feel like such a bust and a disappointment now compared to my brothers, who are getting explicit reminders now from my parents not to tread down the "path of insecurity" as I did.
I also keep getting peppered with comments like "Look at your cousin working as a nurse right now, he makes 40 dollars an hour, is living on his own, and all you're making right now is minimum wage".

Getting treated as such has demoralized me already so much already. It gets no better also at my current job right now, where I get ridiculed and belittled constantly by the very person training me there. It seems that everywhere I turn now, someone right there is against me, waiting for their chance to pin me back to the ground and spit at me.
The very family that I'd be very happy to get any smidge of emotional support whatsoever in spite of their disappointment offers me no such thing. I'd tell them about it, but all I'd get in reply is "You should've thought about that before you did what you did".
I feel like I'm such an eyesore now on my own family, and would gladly disown myself from it if it would make them happy again about all of this. It just pains me to no end with how this is going.

Anyway, that's my story. Admittedly, typing all that here has helped me quell some of the pain I'm feeling right now, since I'm essentially simulating the feeling of directly telling my situation to someone right now. I know this may not fix anything, but I just wanted to somehow put this out there to anyone who would listen. My support group as of now is pretty non-existent, since most of my really close friends have already moved away, and I'm usually a person who keeps to myself at work or in public, so joining this forum does it for me right now.

Hopefully, I'll be able to find some kind persons here in this community to share stories with, or share some advice with as well. Thanks all for having me here.