I know I don’t need medication (However, I am taking homeopathic remedies for severe depression and feelings of separate from the world, anger, injustice, etc) and my T believes that my trauma therapy will enable me to become fully integrated and for the first time in my life to be truly functional and undisrupted by these intrusive ego states. MAN! Do I look forward to that!!! I can hear myself crying “Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty I am free at last!”
I’ve mentioned elsewhere on forum that this has been one of the most emotionally cleansing weeks I’ve ever had. I had two sessions this week, the first was on Wednesday where my T and I broached my feelings of despair after a phone call with her last Saturday that left me feeling re-traumatized. By the time I was sitting in front of her I was experiencing a protruding anger with her and anyone else within eye shot. This was one a few recent discoveries of someone (an ego state) I call Mr. Angry and he had some things to say to my T if need be, and he waited nearby as I expressed myself and she listened compassionately and understandably. She apologized for what she admits was an error on her part for her reaction to a particular need that I expressed over vm and which she was returning my call for last Saturday morning. She didn’t use the term, but I think counter transference would be the appropriate terminology. In short, my constant hunger to fill my childish needs against my belief “that it will never be enough” compounded with her own issue that “no matter what she does it is never enough” finally reached a clashing point. I have felt the conflict for a long time and never knew how to express it and I even wondered if this was her issue entering into the arena. FINALLY, after the phone call she was forced to question her response to me herself and she was able to see that she was indeed reacting to me from her own background and beliefs. This is her issue. So we talked it out and Mr. Angry was able to stay in the background as I was able to express my hurt and even my determination that if this is the turn our relationship has made and if it is unrecoverable, then despite how painfully devastating it would be, I would have no choice but to terminate and find another T who can handle my emotions the way they need to be handled. She agreed and said that she is happy that I am willing to do that for myself and that my expressions are very reasonable and adult like and that she would welcome me to do that and not to remain in a relationship that is re-traumatizing no matter what relationship that is. But she also expressed her belief that we could work through this and by her sincere admissions of fault and humble apologies, I could sense that we would work through this breech too. I think it she was truly unaware of her counter transference for some time and hopefully now she can work to keep it out of the room. And I am happy to be able to experience the unhindered warmth and attunement from my beloved T once again.
My next appointment was yesterday where I found the same warm, inviting response. We discussed more of my feelings about how I finally realize that my longing for her or anyone else to ever replace my mother will never be fulfilled. The floodgates of grief overwhelmed me as expressed myself in few words but with groans that are just as significant. The words will still come as will more tears. Meanwhile, I protested the fact that it is unfair that I will feel that from someone else and that I have to be the one to fill that void. I ranted for a relatively short time, but the exposure was huge and she symbolically held me through it all. She caught every tear and heard every groan and she stayed with me through it all. I wept bitterly over having to do all this for myself just as I have my entire life and how angry I am that no one will ever be able to do this for me. She remained so still and rapt toward me. I could see in her eyes that she hurts for me, but at the same time I know she is relieved that we are finally accessing the deepest of grief. She was absolutely wonderful through the process, knowing just how much and just how little to say to keep me flowing, but she also knew when to gently help me wind down. We have made such a shift in our closeness and attunement. I am deeply touched by her unlike ever before and I feel that so much of this relationship truly is requitable. I believe she loves me very deeply.
She even took the time to draw a diagram on a piece of paper for me. Oh I felt like an ardent student fully engrossed in her adored mentor. She showed me the difference between a self and its DID alters, and where I fit into the continuum with my ego states and also what it looks like for people who are fully integrated. To illustrate DID she drew several individual little circles inside a large circle which represented the self as the separate little circles represent different alters. My diagram had the larger circle representing myself and the little circles joined together in a chainlike form, distinct but in contact through the next ego in the chain. In an integrated person, which is what is typical for most of the population and which she says I can become, all of the circles representing ego states interlock with each other in more of a cluster. I thought it was very interesting, but what touched me most is that she took the time to show me. I am still grinning. I asked her if I could have that (Lord knows why) and she said "Of course!" It was neat we were both sitting at the edge of our seats as she drew on the coffee table somewhat between but at the side of us, of which we at times both rest our feet on. I am thinking of hanging it on my refrigerator.
It was a great session and I feel fairly calm and confident that I will get through this next week ok. If not you know where I’ll be.
Thanks for listening. I sure hope this wasn’t too extensive and boring.
JM
These wild and random thoughts have a reason and a purpose. Then on the other hand I am still questioning the integrity of it all. Which leads me to your reaction to this:
