Hi All -
I survived the week, so far, of my T's vacation. As some of you may know, our last meeting before she left was quite hellish for me. Two hours of crying, and being told that my tears were a "habit", and that we were not on the same page, and what did I want from her, and much more. I felt shamed, and scolded, like a child. (and she thinks I'm immature, hhhmmmm....)
This week was very difficult, as my attachment to her is so very strong, yet I was so very, very hurt by our last meeting. I tried very hard not to reach out to her, instead coming here. Thank you all for your lovely care and support.
I did end up texting her a total of 3 times, and got pretty generic responses. I won't complain though, at least she responded right?
Anyway - she will now be back this week, and I have nothing set up with her at this time. I'm scared. I know some of you have advised me to get a new T, or at least consult with someone else. I don't have any insurance, or any money for that matter. I have a huge current bill with this T, that I would love to prove to her that I can pay off. I don't know what to do.
The attachment isn't going to go away, even if the logical thing to do is to move on. I can't lose her right now. I am so very raw. I just wish she would see that. I honestly don't think she realizes how much I need this attachment, or how much she hurt me.
She has made me feel ashamed of this, which really hurts the most.
I am so afraid right now, of her return, as I don't know what is next for us. Should I stay or should I go? I want her to want me to stay, and not just because I owe her money. I want her to care about me, want her to care that I succeed, no matter how long it takes.
Besides the loss/deaths of my husband, my mother, my son's father, in recent years, I have also just recently, in the last month or so, lost my very best friend. My son has moved out of the house, and two cats have gone as well. (one died, the other went with son)
This weekend my dear neighbors next door moved to the other side of the country.
I cannot take losing amy more people I love right now. Seriously this is just too much..I am scared she is going to fire me. I feel she has already given me an ultimatum.
I am so scared about this next week, and the weeks to come. What will happen with us? Is it over already>? I feel I've already begun the grieving process for yet another relationship.....and I cant keep doing this. It is creating a bigger and bigger hole in my heart.
How do I move on from here? What do I do now?
GG