Got no answer for you Luc, I just hate them, for me a sign of weakness, I know they are not, but that is how I feel. He says just let them go, WHAT!!

Hugs to you.....

((((( Luci )))))) Hey give yourself massive pats on the back for starting your own thread. Whatever else is not going well in therapy at the moment, that's a positive result. Well done you

That aside, I'm really sorry you're struggling so much with tears in therapy. If you've read my thread on tears in session you'll know that I'm the last person to have anything useful or helpful to say about this, and I'm so far back in my own ability to cry that I'm yet at the point you are, where the tears are threatening all the time and you feel like they will destroy you if you go into them.

For what it's worth I've read that this is a hugely common fear - my own T keeps saying that, 'you think you will be overwhelmed with feelings and go crazy or psychotic again' and I think, huh no I don't recognize that myself, but I can see how that might be a very real fear. And it sounds like that's what you are experiencing now.

I gather your T is a psychoT so she's not going to be into the touchy feely type of hugging and making things nice and cosy and safe for you is she? I know you've got a lot of faith in and positive feelings for her - is there any way you could ask her to make it safer for you, give you real assurances that she will be there to help put you back together if you do fall apart?

Just throwing out random thoughts here, I really have no idea how to help as I haven't gotten that close to letting the tears out.

I'm sure there are others here who are old hands at coping with overwhelming tears and maybe they have more concrete suggestions for self soothing and keeping afloat during such times.

All the best to you ((((( Luci ))))

LL

Aw Luci, I empathise with you. I too wish I could simply spit things out, but then I guess if it were that simple I might not be in therapy. My T likewise thinks it is the faer of expressing the emotion that holds m back, that ther never was a safe enough place to do that, so I learnt not to. It's a big task to suddenly unlearn a behaviour and trust someone. I find it almost impossible to cry, if I do it's literally for a few seconds and then I pull myself back from it. It does feel too scary I know and it's not the emotions in session that bother me, it's how I will feel afterwards back home.

Sorry I can't be more helpful Luc apart from to say all credit to you for talking to her about it and expressing to her how it feels I did talk to T about it and we have a 'crying strategy' so I know what she would do if I did, I just need to do it now

I hope things sort themselves and you can release tiny bits of what is choking you inside maybe in tiny bits rather than all ast once.

starfishy

First of all, yay for starting your own thread!

I wanted to send hugs.

I wish I had something useful to contribute, but alas. I have never been able to cry in therapy. There are things I feel badly about, but the feeling never show up in session in a way that would move me to tears. It's like I intellectualize it all. . . or I feel I don't deserve whatever empathy and support T would offer while I cried so I just don't go there. I don't know.

I wish I could cry in therapy. I think it would be a step forward-- emotional sponataneity, being able to experience a range of feeling states with my T, etc. And sometimes I think just having a good cry about everything would make me feel better, but it seems unlikely to happen yet. Maybe someday.

Be patient with yourself and gentle, okay? I hope this works out for you soon. Also hope you keep posting.

Aw, Luc...if only you knew how much I relate to this.

I had a very emotional session with my T this week and even though I'm able to cry now, I can't "let loose." I told T this week that I felt like I was going to explode with emotion and that I just want to let it out, but I'm too terrified to do that. Back a long time ago when we first started discussing tears and how hard it is for me to cry, she proposed that we find little ways to let things out just a bit at a time. Just a tear at a time. And that's how it's had to be for me. At first it was only a few tears, even though I had so much going on inside me. I've gradually been able to let more out, and with a bit more intensity, to the point where it helps me, even if it's just temporary.

One thing that has helped is to find ways to feel safer to the point where you can feel more comfortable (as much as is possible) when you cry. Last time, having a blanket wrapped tightly around me helped, because it seemed like it helped contain everything when I felt like I couldn't. I don't know if that would help you or not, but it definitely made me feel a bit safer.

Sorry if none of that is helpful - big hugs to you. Like I told Lampers...it was probably about a year with my T before I could really cry. I know it's frustrating. Just try to be as patient with yourself as possible. You'll get to the point, someday, where you can feel some relief.

Hi Luc,

Want to chime in on how nice it is to see you start a thread. I'm more like you but less tears, I think. What Dragonfly said really brought it home for me.

quote:

but also we had this HUGE fear that T might not comfort us and we would be sitting there trying to hold it all together again on our own.

My T won't use touch and I can't stand the thought of him just sitting there staring at me while I fall apart. On the other hand, if he occupied himself with something so I didn't feel the staring, I'd probably be bent out of shape. Honestly, I do think physical contact is the way to go because IMVHO eye contact is much too threatening when I (or anyone really?) feel THAT vulnerable. The touch lets them know you are there without the intensity of the eye contact and I'm sure there are benefits too to the nervous system.

It must be hard, though, for T to keep bringing it up. It would make me feel like I have to focus on it which would stifle the feelings even more probably.

quote:

My T won't use touch and I can't stand the thought of him just sitting there staring at me while I fall apart.

It's funny. I used to worry about this, too. But after the actual experience of crying and T just sitting there...I actually think there are positive aspects to it. To just sit with someone who is crying and not need to comfort them kind of sends the message that tears and the feelings that go along with them are OK and normal. It kind of reminds me of a story about Marsha Linehan (who invented DBT) that she went on a meditation retreat, and she cried for a week straight when she started. And every day she would have a consultation with her Zen teacher, and she would go in and just start crying, and every day he just said "keep going" and ended the consultation. Finally she finished crying and then she stayed and learned mindfulness and it helped her be a happier person. She said this experience taught her something really important about accepting feelings as they are, and she went back and used what she learned to improve DBT and add the mindfulness and radical acceptance pieces. So sometimes we can feel ashamed of our tears and project that onto our T's to think they are disgusted by us crying, but the truth is if someone stays with you and lets you cry, they are probably giving you the gift of acceptance. Just something to think about.

quote:

My T won't use touch and I can't stand the thought of him just sitting there staring at me while I fall apart. On the other hand, if he occupied himself with something so I didn't feel the staring, I'd probably be bent out of shape. Honestly, I do think physical contact is the way to go because IMVHO eye contact is much too threatening when I (or anyone really?) feel THAT vulnerable. The touch lets them know you are there without the intensity of the eye contact and I'm sure there are benefits too to the nervous system.

This is relevant for me Liese and I hadn't realised it until I read your words.

I too have issues with all this. Sitting there upset, feeling emotion, wanting/needing to cry, someone watching me. It brings up bad emotions about being watched. My T does use touch - hugging when we finish a session to finalise it, but not skin contact - but she never touches me when I cry and we have never discussed it. I am wondering whether this might help.

I have been on the other foot. My T has cried in session - I didn't know what to do then either.

When I see ChildT - I actually cry a lot more with her, yet I am comfortable with both T's. The difference is that we sit at a table and I feel protected by the table between us. Sitting next to or opposite T makes me feel much more vulnerable and weak and I think I need to be on the defence all the time and this makes crying and being real much more harder.

I have also told T's that i am scared that if they hug me when I cry that I will really let go and cry a lot and the thought of that terrifies me. Losing control in front of someone - showing someone deep emotions.

It is a very complex issue for me.
Somedays

BLT, i think that is beautiful!

i get the wanting/needing touch while in a melt-down. maybe it helps make you feel like you're not so alone. and it's the human thing to do, after all. if you see somebody in distress your natural instinct is to acknowledge them and try to make them feel better. that's in real life. i don't think therapy is necessarily real life and, of course, i realize that different people have different needs in therapy so i hope i don't piss anybody off here. but i do like the lesson of being with your feelings, accepting them even though they may not always feel "good". i think ultimately we ARE alone in this great big world and we need to take care of ourselves, not look for somebody else to try to make us feel better. also, quickly, i'd have to wonder how much of the comfort from T would be about Ts stuff ie. trying to "make" the client feel better, etc. when i think so much of the lesson in therapy is to teach people to be more self-sufficient, etc. again, i know everybody's story is different and i hope i'm not being offensive to anybody. just my two cents. i'm in a time crunch right now so can't elaborate, but i like the mindfulness and radical acceptance message.

gentle hugs to all

Hi,

With my old T I never cried, apart from the day he told me he was leaving!
Now after 1 year with my new T I often cry. She notices immediatly my eyes start to water and asks gently what is making me cry. She sits opposite me and usually takes a tissue from the box and hands it to me. She then continues to talk gently and says it's good that I feel safe to cry with her.
After a session where I have been upset or paticularly anxious when it is time to leave she says 'Can I give you a hug'. I found this dificult at first and just stood looking confused, and not knowing wether to say yes or no. Now it feels good and I really feel her caring.
Last time I was very upset she came and sat next to me and put her arm around me and rubbed my shoulder.

I think it has really helped me feel closer to her and I feel better after letting the tears come.



Starlight

Lucina,

I cope with tears a lot like you do unfortunately. I cry almost every session and T will ask me what I was thinking or what happened. When I get more upset I hold my breath and I can't talk at all. I leave feeling exhausted. My T told me that I needed to learn that I could talk and cry at the same time, that I needed to experience that to know that it wouldn't destroy me. For me it has taken time. I have been seeing my T for over four years. I spend more time crying but still talking now (compared to two years ago when crying often lead to feeling choked and stuck) but it still happens occasionally. I think it just took me trying over and over again to keep talking. It takes way too long but I haven't found any way to speed things up.

hugs

Thank you all for your replies, I've just finished a night shift so will come back later to post more x really need my bed right now

Luc

BLT

quote:

To just sit with someone who is crying and not need to comfort them kind of sends the message that tears and the feelings that go along with them are OK and normal.

You make a very good point. I love the Marsha Linehan story. The answer is probably a very individual thing. I don't have a choice in my case so hopefully I'll come to appreciate the positive aspects you talked about. Or not, right? Who says you have to cry in therapy?

Sorry for the hijack Lucina ...