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6 replies

Holding Pattern

riverriverMember
I feel like I am holding my breath. I've made it through 4 days and have 3 to go. If I don't think too much about anything for very long I might just make it. This is how it feels anyway. Like there is this pending doom lurking just outside of my vision waiting for me to let my guard down. I guess this is why it feels like I am holding my breath in between sessions because if I breath then I relax and if I relax then I think and if I think then I will feel and I've had enough of that this week already. I had an especially hard 24hrs about which I still can't think of a good description for or I would have mentioned it earlier. In order to continue with life I have settled into a semi-depression so that I can function and get things done and put a good face on. You know the one. The face that is just pleasant enough that nobody asks you if there is something wrong but not so pleasant that it is obvious you're faking it. If people ask me how I am doing or if there is something wrong I feel guilty lying to them but I've tried being more truthful and it just kind of freaks people out. Anyway, I am rambling. I've got about 10 minutes before hubby gets home and my daughter for once isn't hanging on me. It is hard to have her glued to my side all of the time but I totally understand where she is coming from and I want to give her as secure of an attachment as I can. It makes me feel a little better doing that for her. It isn't all day because I work full time but when we are home I just try to be really attuned to her. (The T lingo is really starting to rub off on me it seems.) My own longing for safety and attachment are probably almost as keen as hers. I really don't want her to have to go through this as an adult. It is just way too painful. I know she'll have her own issues to deal with but I guess I don't want her to have this one if I can help it. (Don't worry, I am not obsessing over this and going overboard although it sounds a little like that. Probably because I am describing the feelings more than the actual actions. I do try to maintain balance and no she doesn't get my attention every single time she wants it, that is just not possible.) So here is my rant for the week. I didn't want to be the only one without a rant-post. My rant isn't anger so much as melancholy. I suck at anger and have no idea how to express it and "get it out" ya'll are much better "ranters" so maybe if I keep reading I will learn. (My daughter loves to say "patience my young padawan" cracks me up every time. Her and my hubby are huge Star Wars fans.) See, I'm feeling better already. Wow, there really is something to this ranting thing! Smiler
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wynnewynneMember
River,

I don't know; sounds like a pretty good rant to me! I particularly liked reading,
quote:
if I breath then I relax and if I relax then I think and if I think then I will feel and I've had enough of that this week already.


'Cause this 'therapy' and 'feeling' stuff is just exhausting, my world, and I feel like I get this. The first three days after therapy are just ridiculously tiring, emotionally.

Like, you know when you have a really big/new/hard workout, and one of the things you feel the next day is, "omgoodness I didn't know _could_ be sore there?" I feel like that after therapy. "Oh, wow, new levels of hurt and exhaustion. *sarcastic voice* So happy I'm feeling more now!"

Anyways, not to get too off the point. Nice rant! And if anything in here doesn't apply, well... get mad and lemme know about it#. :P


#small disclaimer: i haven't slept in a while. i have a feeling i'm using humor inappropriately here. i should probably have slept on it before replying to you, if i can, but i just really felt like i could relate to what you said about being tired of feeling.
riverriverMember
Wynne,

Don't worry, none of your humor was inappropriate. I particularly enjoyed this line:

quote:
"Oh, wow, new levels of hurt and exhaustion. *sarcastic voice* So happy I'm feeling more now!"


I pretty much just said this exact thing to my T on the phone tonight - sarcasm and all. I figured why just rant to you guys when I could be an equal-opportunity ranter and include her in on the fun. After my earlier post I'm thinking that since she welcomes this whole transference nightmare as a valuable part of therapy then I'll have to call her more often just to survive it. Well, we'll see how long my resolve lasts.

Thanks for the reply Wynne and don't worry too much about being sarcastic, I could have majored in sarcasm in college. Wink
I incognitoMember
River,

Your post resonates so much with me. I feel exactly the same way. There is so much going on inside me I can't seem to think about any of it. I tried to write a letter to my T and it just seems wishy-washy and whiny. I can't rant at all.

It sounds like you are doing a good job with your daughter. I like to remember kids don't need a perfect parent just a good enough one.
katskatsMember
Wynne,

I can really relate to this emotional stuff being hard work. I usually get so worked up after therapy I can't stand it. I use to go on drinking binges after therapy just to numb the feelings. Since rehab I now have to deal with the emotions and I find it really hard. I really do wonder sometimes is this all worth it, but then I will have an aha moment and it makes sense.
wynnewynneMember
incognito,

quote:
I tried to write a letter to my T and it just seems wishy-washy and whiny.


I totally understand being worried about this. But you know that the Ts majored in wishy-washy in college and have chosen it as their actual profession, right? They eat this stuff up - which I of course resent them for, thinking as you do that it's all whiny wishy-washy touchy-feely hurty-helpy depressy happy... um. Stuff.

And River, many thanks for your reassurance. I sort-of feel like that sometimes, too - like, if they want me to be all vulnerable and have needs, then they'd better pick up at 11pm on a Friday night. ...Not that I call Tfella; as far as I know he's not accessible by phone. <---hypocrite
riverriverMember
I agree Wynne, all that wishy-washy-feely-fuzzy stuff that we are always trying to just get rid of fascinates the T's to no end. They are like archeologists sometimes and love finding an emotion that has been buried for decades and brushing off the dirt one minute particle at a time. Unfortunately we are the "dig site" so we don't find it quite so interesting or exciting since we've been living with this sh1t for years.

Katskill, every time I go to therapy I almost have to convince myself it is worth it. Although I have that irresistible pull to see my T I also have an almost equal dread of how I usually feel the following 24 hrs or so after a session. Sometimes I promise myself a reward. I love to knit so usually it is either a yarn or pattern purchase or some self-indulgent knitting time when I should be doing chores.

Also I have been at therapy long enough now that I have seen lasting improvements and have felt the healing of many hurts. It is kind of like having gone up a flight of stairs and at the landing I can see how far up I am now and feel that I have actually made it somewhere.

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